RAMSHACKLE (PILOT)

VINNIE: Ugh, It’s gotta

be here somewhere! VINNIE: Ugh, It’s gotta

be here somewhere! Is this it? Is this it? We’re looking for beans, not spleens. We’re looking for beans, not spleens. Oh. Oh. I don’t understand,

it was in our bean corner last night! I don’t understand,

it was in our bean corner last night! Maybe you accidentally threw them out? Maybe you accidentally threw them out? Hey, a Scrap never throws out

a perfectly good can of beans Hey, a Scrap never throws out

a perfectly good can of beans Especially not one that’s eight ounces

of pure hickory-smoked bliss. Especially not one that’s eight ounces

of pure hickory-smoked bliss. If we can’t find it by tonight If we can’t find it by tonight We starve. We starve. [MUFFLED CRYING] [MUFFLED CRYING] Stone, stop crying, it's not even noon yet. Stone, stop crying, it's not even noon yet. Uh… that wasn't me. Uh… that wasn't me. [BABY CRYING] [BABY CRYING] The heck? The heck? What is that? What is that? I dunno... some kind of meat? I dunno... some kind of meat? That’s a baby, dummy! That’s a baby, dummy! Well she wasn’t wrong. Well she wasn’t wrong. Aww, did someone abandon you here? Aww, did someone abandon you here? Typical Ramshackle, huh? Typical Ramshackle, huh? [BABY SIGHS] [BABY SIGHS] So now what? So now what? Do we throw it back in the trash? Do we throw it back in the trash? And keep looking for those beans! And keep looking for those beans! What? No! What? No! This baby’s a precious gift from Mother Nature This baby’s a precious gift from Mother Nature And he's all alone in the world

with no one to take care of him. And he's all alone in the world

with no one to take care of him. What about the orphanage? What about the orphanage? Stone what the fuck?! Stone what the fuck?! Everyone knows the orphanage

is no place for a kid. Everyone knows the orphanage

is no place for a kid. How about we just... take him in? How about we just... take him in? Ahh! Ahh! Uh, I don't--

[GASPS] A new member Uh, I don't--

[GASPS] A new member Means a new best friend! Means a new best friend! What should we name him? What should we name him? Hmm, maybe something like... uh... Hmm, maybe something like... uh... Maggot? Maggot? Maggot... Maggot... ‘Cos he looks like one, doesn’t he? ‘Cos he looks like one, doesn’t he? I see it! I see it! Anyway. Anyway. Maggot, how good are you at gambling? Maggot, how good are you at gambling? Any... bank heist, or fraud experience? Any... bank heist, or fraud experience? Oh! We can teach him

the ol’ slick n’ slide! Oh! We can teach him

the ol’ slick n’ slide! Aw yeah! Aw yeah! Agh... Agh... [UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC] [UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC] Ah, the smell of piss and opportunity. Ah, the smell of piss and opportunity. Entertainment square is where

all the Lootbags hang out. Entertainment square is where

all the Lootbags hang out. Look at 'em all Look at 'em all Riching... richily… Riching... richily… Anyway, today Skipp is gonna

show you how we get the money Anyway, today Skipp is gonna

show you how we get the money From their pockets into ours. From their pockets into ours. It’s gonna be trial by fire, buddy. It’s gonna be trial by fire, buddy. I hope you’re ready. I hope you’re ready. You got this! You got this! Now go eat the rich,

frickin’ devour them dude! Now go eat the rich,

frickin’ devour them dude! Vinnie... Vinnie... Do you remember how we didn’t make Do you remember how we didn’t make Enough from pick-pocketing last week Enough from pick-pocketing last week So we had to eat shoes? So we had to eat shoes? Eh, the shoes weren't that bad Eh, the shoes weren't that bad They tasted like all the other shoes I’ve had. They tasted like all the other shoes I’ve had. No, I mean... No, I mean... How the hell are we going to raise a baby How the hell are we going to raise a baby If we can’t even take care of ourselves? If we can’t even take care of ourselves? Hey, you were in Maggot’s shoes too, remember? Hey, you were in Maggot’s shoes too, remember? Me and Skipp found you

sopping wet from the rain Me and Skipp found you

sopping wet from the rain You looked so dumb. You looked so dumb. Heheh. Heheh. [INHALES] [INHALES] Anyway, Maggot’s part of our crew now. Anyway, Maggot’s part of our crew now. Losers like us... Losers like us... We’re all we’ve got on this bitch of an earth, so... We’re all we’ve got on this bitch of an earth, so... We gotta stick together. We gotta stick together. And, then you just do the worm. And, then you just do the worm. Or, I guess in your case, the maggot! Or, I guess in your case, the maggot! There ya go, nice job! There ya go, nice job! [VOCALIZING] [VOCALIZING] Aw, don’t worry, I believe in you! Aw, don’t worry, I believe in you! And if you ever need help And if you ever need help The three of us will always

be there to back you up The three of us will always

be there to back you up Got it? Got it? Aye! Aye! [CHUCKLES] [CHUCKLES] [SKIPP BEATBOXES] [SKIPP BEATBOXES] Alright, that’s our signal. Alright, that’s our signal. Let's bounce. Let's bounce. Mmm, yeah... Mmm, yeah... I replaced all her playtime

with extra pageant rehearsals I replaced all her playtime

with extra pageant rehearsals so there’s no way Baylee’s

gonna lose this year. so there’s no way Baylee’s

gonna lose this year. (Kachow!) (Kachow!) Ugh, how dreadful! Ugh, how dreadful! Another disgusting Scrap! Another disgusting Scrap! Falling into drugs and homelessness

at such a young age Falling into drugs and homelessness

at such a young age Begging for money to get its next high... Begging for money to get its next high... [VOCALIZING] [VOCALIZING] Baylee! Baylee! A future Sweetheart does

not touch the poor! A future Sweetheart does

not touch the poor! And don’t smile so much,

you’ll ruin your makeup. And don’t smile so much,

you’ll ruin your makeup. Y’know, letting your kid

express themselves Y’know, letting your kid

express themselves is actually quite healthy

for their development. is actually quite healthy

for their development. Hah, as if I’d take parenting advice Hah, as if I’d take parenting advice From a bunch of... From a bunch of... S-S-SCRAPS? S-S-SCRAPS? OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! Polic- [MUFFLED] Polic- [MUFFLED] Skipp! Skipp! I’m sorry, I had to! I’m sorry, I had to! [MUFFLED SCREAMING] [MUFFLED SCREAMING] Shit! Shit! Someone shut this broad up! Someone shut this broad up! Oh... Oh... [ROARING] [ROARING] Wow... Wow... [BURPS] [BURPS] Well, fuck me! Well, fuck me! That’s a true Scrap if I ever saw one! That’s a true Scrap if I ever saw one! You really have a certain You really have a certain 'Jee Nee Says Ka', you know that? 'Jee Nee Says Ka', you know that? Hey... Hey... Uh... Uh... Welcome to the team. Welcome to the team. Ahh! Ahh! Stone... Stone... Maggot, that was amazing! Maggot, that was amazing! You literally ate the rich,

like who even does that! You literally ate the rich,

like who even does that! Alright, I hate to be that guy, but... Alright, I hate to be that guy, but... If we don’t come up

with something else If we don’t come up

with something else We’re probably gonna

have shoes for dinner again. We’re probably gonna

have shoes for dinner again. [COUGHS] [COUGHS] [WIND BLOWS] [WIND BLOWS] Augh... Augh... Die, you stupid piece of paper! Die, you stupid piece of paper! Attacking our fetus friend like that?! Attacking our fetus friend like that?! Just who do you think you are? Just who do you think you are? Oh, hey! Oh, hey! It’s an invite for Ramshackle’s

Next Top Sweetheart. It’s an invite for Ramshackle’s

Next Top Sweetheart. The stupid baby pageant they do every year? The stupid baby pageant they do every year? Yeah, it’s really overrated. Yeah, it’s really overrated. But, the winner gets… But, the winner gets… Ten dollars?! Ten dollars?! That’s enough for groceries,

Vinnie’s rabies shots That’s enough for groceries,

Vinnie’s rabies shots And a new can of beans. And a new can of beans. [VOCALIZING] [VOCALIZING] Dang, you wanna try winning? Dang, you wanna try winning? That’s pretty ballsy. That’s pretty ballsy. It’s a rich people-only event. It’s a rich people-only event. [VOCALIZING] [VOCALIZING] Hm! Hm! I like the way you think,

ya little poop goblin. I like the way you think,

ya little poop goblin. ANNOUNCER:

Welcome to the 35th annual edition ANNOUNCER:

Welcome to the 35th annual edition Of Ramshackle's

Next Top Sweetheart! Of Ramshackle's

Next Top Sweetheart! Where the most perfect and talented infant Where the most perfect and talented infant Will be selected to be the face on every ad! Will be selected to be the face on every ad! Every movie! Every movie! Every cereal box! Every cereal box! A life of fame and celebrity status A life of fame and celebrity status And TEN DOLLARS awaits! And TEN DOLLARS awaits! So which baby will be Ramshackle’s next sweetheart? So which baby will be Ramshackle’s next sweetheart? [VOCALIZING] [VOCALIZING] We’ll find out TODAY! We’ll find out TODAY! ‘Scuse me. Pardon me. ‘Scuse me. Pardon me. Gotta get the best spot for our bougie little boy. Gotta get the best spot for our bougie little boy. ANNOUNCER: Before we get on to the epicest,

most hypest pageant of the year ANNOUNCER: Before we get on to the epicest,

most hypest pageant of the year Let’s have a word from our sponsors! Let’s have a word from our sponsors! Ramshackle’s Next Top Sweetheart Ramshackle’s Next Top Sweetheart Is sponsored by Hick’s Hickory-Smoked Beans. Is sponsored by Hick’s Hickory-Smoked Beans. Get it tonight, or else you’ll STARVE! Get it tonight, or else you’ll STARVE! Alright, we’ve got some

fierce competition this year. Alright, we’ve got some

fierce competition this year. First up is reigning champion Taylee First up is reigning champion Taylee Who can do a backflip,

but only when you’re not looking. Who can do a backflip,

but only when you’re not looking. Honey, your bow is crooked! Honey, your bow is crooked! I’m gonna have to disown you once this is over. I’m gonna have to disown you once this is over. ANNOUNCER: We’ve also got Jayden

from the Brayden family ANNOUNCER: We’ve also got Jayden

from the Brayden family Who can perform telepathy but only with himself. Who can perform telepathy but only with himself. Jayden, don’t you dare tarnish the Brayden name Jayden, don’t you dare tarnish the Brayden name Or else it’s off to the void with you! Or else it’s off to the void with you! Man, these Lootbags are brutal… Man, these Lootbags are brutal… ANNOUNCER:

Next up is… ANNOUNCER:

Next up is… ..Maggot? ..Maggot? A-Am I reading that right? A-Am I reading that right? [INCOHERENT CHEERING] [INCOHERENT CHEERING] You three think you’re going to win? You three think you’re going to win? Let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. Did you also get your baby

to stick to a strict diet Did you also get your baby

to stick to a strict diet And train 82 hours

a day for this pageant? And train 82 hours

a day for this pageant? No…? No…? I didn’t think so. I didn’t think so. Next time you talk about winning Next time you talk about winning You better think twice. You better think twice. ANNOUNCER:

You’re not gonna believe this folks! ANNOUNCER:

You’re not gonna believe this folks! Maggot is doing… Maggot is doing… THE WORM! THE WORM! No… No… THE MAGGOT! THE MAGGOT! YO, THAT’S SICK! YO, THAT’S SICK! Even the judge's minds are blown! Even the judge's minds are blown! Literally! Literally! We all know no one’s gonna top that We all know no one’s gonna top that So who gives a damn

about the rest of the contestants? So who gives a damn

about the rest of the contestants? The winner of the 35th annual edition

of Ramshackle’s Next Top Sweetheart is… The winner of the 35th annual edition

of Ramshackle’s Next Top Sweetheart is… MAGGOT! MAGGOT! [CELEBRATORY MUSIC] [CELEBRATORY MUSIC] [INCOHERENT CHEERING] [INCOHERENT CHEERING] My baby should have won! My baby should have won! Not that flacid potato sack! Not that flacid potato sack! Smile! Smile! Let's get your good side honey! Let's get your good side honey! [CROWD TALKING AND BOOING]

Mr. Maggot, we need you to sign here, here and here. [CROWD TALKING AND BOOING]

Mr. Maggot, we need you to sign here, here and here. They cheated!

I spent ten grand on my thing’s spray tan! They cheated!

I spent ten grand on my thing’s spray tan! [CROWD BOOING] [CROWD BOOING] [CRYING] [CRYING] Maggot! Maggot! Oh shit. Oh shit. It’s okay little buddy, we’re here for you. It’s okay little buddy, we’re here for you. Hey, can we just take our money and go? Hey, can we just take our money and go? ANNOUNCER:

Ho ho, no can do. ANNOUNCER:

Ho ho, no can do. That’s just the life of a Sweetheart. That’s just the life of a Sweetheart. We’ve got interviews lined up with

the Grapevine and the Gossip Gazette… We’ve got interviews lined up with

the Grapevine and the Gossip Gazette… Come on, can’t you see that our buddy’s upset? Come on, can’t you see that our buddy’s upset? Please, just chill out! Please, just chill out! You know what? You know what? Screw you Lootbags

and your fancy garbage! Screw you Lootbags

and your fancy garbage! Maybe if ya lived on the streets too you’d... Maybe if ya lived on the streets too you’d... ..I dunno?! ..I dunno?! Empathize with people?! Empathize with people?! [AUDIENCE COUGHS] [AUDIENCE COUGHS] You’re from the streets? You’re from the streets? You’re all... You’re all... SCRAPS?

[CROWD GASPS] SCRAPS?

[CROWD GASPS] Ugh, you're not allowed to be here! Ugh, you're not allowed to be here! Go back to your slums! Go back to your slums! [CROWD CHEERS AND BOOS] [CROWD CHEERS AND BOOS] CROWD:

Poor! Poor! Poor! CROWD:

Poor! Poor! Poor! I want to speak to your... I want to speak to your... Manager... Manager... CROWD:

Manager... Manager... CROWD:

Manager... Manager... Why does this shit always happen to us? Why does this shit always happen to us? It’ll be okay guys. It’ll be okay guys. There’s a reason they call us "Scraps". There’s a reason they call us "Scraps". Skipp, take Maggot and get him somewhere safe. Skipp, take Maggot and get him somewhere safe. Okay! Okay! [UPBEAT PUNK-ROCK MUSIC]

Alright, you want the manager? [UPBEAT PUNK-ROCK MUSIC]

Alright, you want the manager? Well guess what? Well guess what? I AM THE MANAGER! I AM THE MANAGER! ♫ The consequence is clear ♫ ♫ The consequence is clear ♫ ♫ Can you feel it in the air? ♫ ♫ Can you feel it in the air? ♫ ♫ It's time to get what you deserve ♫ ♫ It's time to get what you deserve ♫ ♫ I think that we both know ♫ ♫ I think that we both know ♫ ♫ The way this story goes ♫ ♫ The way this story goes ♫ ♫ It's time for you to see just what we're worth! ♫ ♫ It's time for you to see just what we're worth! ♫ ♫ They make a living showing off

the pretty things they have ♫ ♫ They make a living showing off

the pretty things they have ♫ ♫ They say they'll save us ♫ ♫ They say they'll save us ♫ ♫ But they're holding back a laugh ♫ ♫ But they're holding back a laugh ♫ ♫ We're out here screaming ♫ ♫ We're out here screaming ♫ ♫ Well, at least they marked us on the map ♫ ♫ Well, at least they marked us on the map ♫ ♫ I guess it isn't all that bad... ♫ ♫ I guess it isn't all that bad... ♫ ♫ (Bad, bad, bad) ♫ ♫ (Bad, bad, bad) ♫ ♫ To be a piece of trash! ♫ ♫ To be a piece of trash! ♫ ♫ When it all comes tumbling down ♫ ♫ When it all comes tumbling down ♫ ♫ I'll pick you off the ground ♫ ♫ I'll pick you off the ground ♫ ♫ And tell you it's okay ♫ ♫ And tell you it's okay ♫ ♫ Life can seem unfair ♫ ♫ Life can seem unfair ♫ ♫ But we're not paid to care ♫ ♫ But we're not paid to care ♫ ♫ We're used to sleeping in the rain ♫ ♫ We're used to sleeping in the rain ♫ [GUITAR SOLO] [GUITAR SOLO] Wanna hear some folk indie alternative? Wanna hear some folk indie alternative? [ROARING] [ROARING] No? Okay! No? Okay! [EXPLOSION] [EXPLOSION] ♫ They make a living showing off

the pretty things they have ♫ ♫ They make a living showing off

the pretty things they have ♫ ♫ They say they'll save us ♫ ♫ They say they'll save us ♫ ♫ But they're holding back a laugh ♫ ♫ But they're holding back a laugh ♫ [EXPLOSION]

♫ But they're holding back a laugh ♫ [EXPLOSION]

♫ But they're holding back a laugh ♫ ♫ The tune's repeating ♫ ♫ The tune's repeating ♫ ♫ Now the band is tired of the act ♫ ♫ Now the band is tired of the act ♫ ♫ I guess it isn't all that bad... ♫ ♫ I guess it isn't all that bad... ♫ ♫ (Bad, bad, bad) ♫ ♫ (Bad, bad, bad) ♫ ♫ When you're a piece of trash! ♫ ♫ When you're a piece of trash! ♫ Listen up motherfuckers! Listen up motherfuckers! Maggot’s runnin’ with us now. Maggot’s runnin’ with us now. That means you’ll never get to lay a finger on him. That means you’ll never get to lay a finger on him. Oh... Oh... Maggot...? Maggot...? [ANGELIC HUMMING] [ANGELIC HUMMING] [EXPLOSION] [EXPLOSION] Damn. Damn. They really do grow up fast. They really do grow up fast. Greetings humanity. Greetings humanity. I am a being of divine nature I am a being of divine nature Come to judge the worthiness of man's morality. Come to judge the worthiness of man's morality. I came to you disguised

as a vulnerable infant seeking refuge I came to you disguised

as a vulnerable infant seeking refuge And I leave enlightened. And I leave enlightened. My eyes opened to Ramshackle's true nature My eyes opened to Ramshackle's true nature That which I deem... That which I deem... ..Unworthy. ..Unworthy. You are a town sunken to the depths of depravity You are a town sunken to the depths of depravity Lavishing in its gluttony Lavishing in its gluttony And wearing its greed with pride. And wearing its greed with pride. As for you, my dear benefactors As for you, my dear benefactors Though you too are flawed Though you too are flawed And God forbid you three reproduce And God forbid you three reproduce Your hearts be kind and well-intentioned. Your hearts be kind and well-intentioned. Your bonds of friendship are strong Your bonds of friendship are strong And the time I spent with you three mortals And the time I spent with you three mortals Left me with a deep sense

of belonging and purpose. Left me with a deep sense

of belonging and purpose. As such... As such... The name "Maggot" you have bestowed upon me The name "Maggot" you have bestowed upon me Will always have a warm place in my heart. Will always have a warm place in my heart. For the milk of your kindness For the milk of your kindness I bestow upon you three cents I bestow upon you three cents And an eight ounce can of hickory-smoked beans. And an eight ounce can of hickory-smoked beans. Now, I must depart Now, I must depart For I have completed my mission. For I have completed my mission. Maggot! Maggot! I’m so glad we met! I’m so glad we met! We’ll never forget you! We’ll never forget you! Likewise, Skipp. Likewise, Skipp. Likewise. Likewise. Hey man, once a Scrap always a Scrap! Hey man, once a Scrap always a Scrap! Come visit the Slum Alleys whenever ya pass by! Come visit the Slum Alleys whenever ya pass by! This one’s for you. This one’s for you. Thank you kindly, little ones. Thank you kindly, little ones. Ah, yes. Ah, yes. One final thing to address... One final thing to address... DIVINE JUDGEMENT! DIVINE JUDGEMENT! Farewell, mortals. Farewell, mortals. Live long, and prosper... Live long, and prosper... (Prosper... prosper...) (Prosper... prosper...) [UNINTELLIGIBLE SHOUTING] [UNINTELLIGIBLE SHOUTING] [SIGHS] [SIGHS] I’m really gonna miss the guy. I’m really gonna miss the guy. Yeah! Now I’m stuck with you two idiots again. Yeah! Now I’m stuck with you two idiots again. Hey, didn’t he say something about beans? Hey, didn’t he say something about beans? OHH! OHH! BEANS! BEANS! [INSTRUMENTAL FOLK MUSIC] [INSTRUMENTAL FOLK MUSIC]

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