Scarlett Johansson Takes The Colbert Questionert

[music] [applause and cheering] >> Hey everybody, we're back here with Scarlett Johansson. I don't have to tell you guys, you know who that is. Now Scarlett, you you've been on the show many times now. I'm always happy when you stop by. >> I'd love to be here. >> From the second show to the 1,700 and something or other show, you've always been a wonderful guest. But even even the times I've gotten to talk to you, however long we've talked, the problem is is that it's very hard to get to know someone. And you're absolutely fascinating. And there's some of my guests who I actually like to learn a lot more about. And so we've created something called the Colbert Questionnaire. Okay. And the Colbert Questionnaire is designed by psychobiologists in order to drill straight into your psyche and open you up like a book, as it were, for the world to read, so you are fully known. Do you have the courage to be fully known, Scarlett Johansson? When you put it like that. >> [laughter] >> Um sure, why not? >> [cheering] [applause and music] >> Scarlett Johansson, what is the best sandwich? >> [laughter] >> That's tough. >> Yeah, well. The best sandwich? >> Well. Um the Blimpie Best. Tell me. Talk to me. >> The Blimpie Best is sort of like first of all it's it's it's a perfect delicious fluffy bun that is a particular Blimpie sandwich taste. >> Are you Are you a spokesmodel for Blimpie? >> [laughter] >> No? >> Um >> You will be after this. >> Well, they I don't I haven't seen a lot of them around, so clearly not. But but I could be. I'd happily be. >> Sure. What's on there? Is it meats, veggies? What are we talking? >> of like an Italian sandwich. Like it's got all the you know, the mortadella, salami. I mean, you know, that stuff. >> What are we talking about? >> like onion. It's a very stinky sandwich. I mean, I wouldn't I wouldn't eat it like if you were going to have you know, romantic lunch with somebody. Those romantic lunches. >> [laughter] >> A candlelit lunch. With a hero. A lot of candles. All right, with a hero. Okay. What is your first concert you went to? Uh oh, my first concert was Cypress Hill. Oh. Yeah. You know Cypress Hill? Have you come down yet? I'm still buzzing from it, man. I am. Yeah. I remember they I I think it Go alone? Uh no, I went I must have gone with a friend. I don't remember. Cuz I was so high. No, but I remember They it was at like I think it was at Roseland and they I remember they rolled this huge blunt that was like [clears throat] this big. It was like the size of a Blimpie Best. And and they threw it and they smoked it on stage all the all the members of the band and then they passed it around the whole Roseland. Those were the days, man. Wow, and it wasn't even legal at the time. Wow. >> [applause] >> Roseland used to be right by our place. Used to be right around the corner. Used to be right around the corner. >> Yeah. Um what is the scariest animal? The scariest animal is Oh god, the scariest animal? Like there's there's like I don't I hate cockroaches. Like I really really really really hate them. Wow. A lot. >> That could could be cockroach. It can It is. >> Like you open up A CABINET AND RIGHT in your face. [laughter] You know what I'm talking about, right? Like New York cockroaches like German cockroaches or like the the the palmetto bugs like the water bugs. >> Those are nightmare animals. >> we would lash them together and power our bikes with them. They would drive our bikes around the neighborhood. So disgusting. Not only do you have a disgusting like water cockroach looking thing, but it can fly? >> Oh, yeah. And it's aggressive. It like it goes for you. >> As a kid we would bang on the cabinets before we would open a cabinet in case there was a cockroach in there, so they would go away and not go straight for your face. >> an That is an insect from hell. >> Yeah. Crawl in your ears and lay eggs. >> No, they don't. >> [cheering] >> No. No, no, no. At least once in your life that happens. Okay. >> Oh, no. Scientists say that that's true. >> No, it's not. >> It is. No, it's not. You're lucky. >> 40. That's too young probably. You probably >> when I'm older? Much when you're older. Oh god, then I won't notice. >> Right, cuz you're deaf in your ears. That's how they know. That's how most old people go deaf. It's from It's from cockroaches. >> Larvae? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's sad. It's true. Yeah, that's science. Yeah. >> to be done. Saw that on Planet Earth. Apples or oranges? Like to eat? It's Oh my god. It's Joaquin Phoenix all over again. >> [laughter] >> What does that mean? >> He was absolutely dumbfounded by the question apples or oranges. He was like, "What? What What?" >> Oh, he loves fruit. This is known to me now. And he refuses to choose between fruits. He asked me what time of day it was. Right? Didn't he say what time of day are we talking here? That makes perfect sense to me. >> Okay. Apples >> not make sense to you? >> Just answer the question, Senator. I'm [laughter] sorry. You're like legal counsel before. Answer this. It will be provided. Apples or oranges? Got to pick one. Oh man, that's tough. Well, it's the Colbert Questionnaire. That's how we learn to know people. >> What kind of orange is it? Navel. I'll choose I'll accept Valencia as well, but no tangerines. That's not an orange. That's a tangerine. >> I'm You'd be surprised the people try to get away with with the Colbert Questionnaire. What kind What kind of apple is it? What kind of apple? Let's say Let's say it's not like a tart baking apple. Let's say it's a it's a it's a Fuji. >> would pick a tart baking apple? Weird people. Uh a Fuji. I like a Fuji. >> Okay. >> [laughter] >> I think I think I'll choose an apple. >> Great. Great. >> [applause] >> Am I being timed? Well, you are being timed. Yeah. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph? Yes, I did. Do you remember who? It was Patrick Stewart. I asked That's a good one. >> [cheering] >> When? I was on I was on my first flight. I was I was actually publicizing The Horse Whisperer and I was on my first flight to London and I was on British Airways first class and I was like, "Oh my god." It was amazing. I was a kid. Yeah, it was big a big deal. I felt like the queen of England. And Patrick Stewart was on in the cabin and I was just I I was >> you were. Yeah, of course I was there and of course I was and so Yeah, I was I had to I had to ask him and I I remember he wrote um "Sweet dreams, Patrick Stewart" because we're all going to sleep cuz it was a you know, transatlantic flight. Yeah, so that was >> still have it? I I guess it must be somewhere. Wow, how do you think Patrick feels about that? You're watching. Happen to know he watches most nights, so wow. Okay. No, on behalf of him I'm I'm I'm >> [laughter] >> I know I've got it somewhere. What do you think happens when we die? The hallmark of the Colbert Questionnaire is rapid tonal shifts. What do you think happens when we die? What do I think happens when we die? >> Yes. I don't know. I guess we just like rejoin the matrix, I think. Okay. I dig it. Yeah. I dig it, daddy-o. >> [applause] >> So I'll see you there. I'll see you there, exactly. [laughter] I'll see you in the mainframe, baby. Favorite action movie? Uh Terminator 2. Oh, quality. >> [applause] >> Quality. Window or aisle? Window. That's my spot. >> [cheering] >> Some people like the aisle cuz they don't like to go past. I like the aisle. Why? >> Cuz I have to go up go to the bathroom. I don't want to say "Excuse me, excuse me." Yeah, but then the cart is like right by your head all the time. Right, so you can "Excuse me, cocktails." Next. "Excuse me." Yeah. Very important. Yeah, okay. >> You sit in the aisle, I'll get I'll get the drinks. I'm going to take the aisle seat next time. Okay. >> You take the window. >> [clears throat] >> Claustrophobic. Where are we going on this trip, by the way? I like this. I'm free in June. >> [laughter] [cheering] [applause] >> Favorite smell? Favorite smell? That's a perfectly lovely question. Oh, you know what my favorite smell is? I have a 4-year-old son and the top of his head Oh, it's so my favorite smell. >> your youngest? >> Yes. Yeah. >> He's That's a good smell. >> Oh, wonderful. >> Like a little warm roll, but a little A little little salty, a little salty. >> Exactly. Especially right I like it actually before the fontanelle closes. You know, really cuz it's really When when when you can just smell brain, it's great. Is that what that salty smell is? >> I think it's brain. It's baby brain. Least favorite smell? Uh hot garbage. Yeah. Yeah. You grew up in New York, right? [laughter] You know hot garbage. I do. I know it well. What is your earliest memory? Oh, my earliest memory I think I remember I remember I have a twin brother and my earliest memory is of my twin brother. I remember being with my twin brother like in a playpen. Um and I just remember him there. Yeah, that's my earliest memory. >> think he knows that's your earliest memory? >> We've talked about this before. >> that his earliest memory, too? Uh he he thinks it is his earliest memory, too, but we're not sure if we've just given each other memory. Yeah. Um, but guilty. >> him into having that as the earliest memory. >> I'm the first I was first born, so. Oh, really? You're right ahead. You're right. Three Three most important minutes of my life. >> Girls are very advanced at that age. Um, cats or dogs? Well, that's a tough question. Do people answer that? They do. People answer that question. >> What did Joaquin Phoenix say? Oh, that was impossible. I think he wanted to know where we were for that one. >> [laughter] >> I think I said we were on like Big Sur or something like that. Northern California. >> Did you say a dog then? >> I think he said dog, yeah, cuz it was like midday or something like that. Just rained. The sun was about to go down or something like that, yeah. >> Oh, that's tough. Cats or dogs? Cats or dogs? Do you have both? Um, I have had them in the past. >> no pets right now? >> I have two goldfish. I have goldfish. Oh, goldfish. >> Yeah, I have goldfish. I love I love them a lot. >> Sure. Um What are their names? Jingles and Bubbles. Okay. That was a test, by the way. >> [laughter] >> Okay. I would say Oh, that's tough. I I don't know. I mean, I I do I love them both. I guess Oh, I don't know. Ah. You think it's Alex have goldfish? Will you? Yeah. Okay. I I love my goldfish. I've never accept I've never accepted a fish before. >> you will. I will for you. >> Oh, thank you. >> [applause] >> The question is off. Now everyone's going to want goldfish. Now everyone's I don't know. You have to choose. >> them have it. You said it was special for just now. Okay, it was only for Scarlett Johansson. Okay. You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life, and you don't have to listen to it continually, but when you go to listen to music, this is the song. What is it? What a nightmare. Only one song? >> Yes. Oh, no. It's got to be like an easy listening song. Really? Like elevator music? The entire band is like judging me silently, right? >> [laughter] >> Um Maybe Could it be Harvest Moon, maybe? I don't know. I'm trying to >> Neil Young, you know? >> Yeah, maybe Maybe it would be. I think I could listen to that for a while. Yeah. When you want to do Harvest Moon? Yeah. [applause] Oh, this Harvest Moon. That seems pleasant. >> What number am I thinking of? 12? No. >> [laughter] >> Scarlett Johansson, describe the rest of your life in five words. Oh my Wait. Oh my. You know, you [laughter] can start over. You can start over. >> The rest of my life in five words? >> Describe the rest of your life in five words. >> Like a sentence? Just five words. It doesn't have to make sense. It can be five random words. Or unassociated. Oh my god. She lived for more years. Congratulations, Scarlett. You are known. Scarlett Johansson, everybody. The director of Eleanor the Great. We'll be right back. >> [music] [cheering]