جلسات #مع_نفسي 24 ... الزهد النفسي - التعبير - الصدقة النفسية – الحيل النفسية والمُخادعات

Dr Abdul Rahman: Hello. The Host: Hello Doctor. Dr Abdul Rahman: Remind me please of what we mentioned

last time. The Host: Last time you asked me to remind you

about the phrase “What have I to do with the world?” Dr Abdul Rahman: Alright, “What is there between me and the world?”

What’s its origin? The Host: No clue! Dr Abdul Rahman: It’s a hadith from Abdullah Ibn-Masud

may allah be pleased with him, He saw the prophet laying down on a straw mat,

and it left marks on his body. He said: “O Messenger of Allah! If you had told us

we would have provided you with something that would save you this trouble

(to place it underneath him)” The Host: Peace be upon him. Dr Abdul Rahman: Focus on the word: “something”

not a Comfort mat or a water bed or anything else of that sort,

“Something” that provides a sort of protection! So what was his response?

“What is there between myself and the world? This world and I are just like a rider who

stops to rest beneath the shade of a tree then goes and leaves it.” Let’s reflect on

“What is there between myself and the world?”, On the fact that the cotton or sponge

they were going to place under him, if sponge even existed those days, the prophet considered it as worldly,

meaning that he lowered his expectations and raised the bar of possibilities , which is

why he found joy in Tharid (porridge), in hot bread and olive oil. This discussion will lead us to an important concept

in our lives and especially in our Islamic tradition, Zuhd (Asceticism). Asceticism! If asceticism was understood

in the same manner we understood pain and pleasure and raising the bar of possibilities

and lowering expectations we’ll be happy, and if we treat this world like a wayfarer

who stops in the shade of tree for a time we’ll be happy and if we applied what we mentioned before,

about Abdullah Ibn-Abbas I think or about Abdullah Ibn Amr Ibn Al-As

-I forgot- which is: "If you are alive in the morning,

do not expect to be alive till the evening "If you are alive in the evening,

don’t expect to be alive till the morning I think life is much simpler than how exhausting

people make it to be. So if we understood the phrase

“What is there between me and the world?”” and reduce many burdens that we created, and stuff like

furniture, parties, dinner invitations etc, I think that life would be very different,

and we’ll be relieved of the heavy load weighing us down and then we would understand the meaning of the verse:

{Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity} (2:286) We burdened ourselves with more than we can handle. The Host: So our psychological well-being is related to

how much responsibility we take on with furniture for example! Dr Abdul Rahman: and how much we minimise, correct. The Host: So furniture could possibly

affect our psychological well-being? Dr Abdul Rahman: Of course. The Host: How? Dr Abdul Rahman: Can we delay it to when we

talk about purification? Because when we start to talk about it

we will discuss its effects -with furniture, house and phone apps -

on your psychological well-being, we’ll leave this until then In sha’ Allah The Host: Alright. Another question,

we are trying to read ourselves better, right? Dr Abdul Rahman: Correct. The Host: Alright, if I were to realise that I am a creation

and understand pain and pleasure, Does this mean that I have the capability

to read myself or am I just claiming that?! Dr Abdul Rahman: Very nice, we split reading into

2 sections, a section that we covered in 4 to 5 sessions so far,

which were: To learn general reading, that I and everyone else require, Which is what? “creation” meaning that my dad is a creation, so everything

I said about myself applies to my dad,

meaning that my dad is a creation, so everything

I said about myself applies to my dad, my mother, my wife, my kids, my tutor,

my professor at university, and to my doctor. If we understood this, everything we talk

about next, will apply on those people and if we applied these words, then we won't expect from people more

than they have; for example, When a girl comes shocked because

she discovered her dad has sinned, He is a human being, my girl!

“Impossible, Dad isn’t allowed to make mistakes” Who told you that?

Show me the Qur’an that says this. Where are the verses that say

your father can’t make mistakes? No, your father makes mistakes.

It must hurt and she’d think I didn’t want that to happen.- Yes that’s right, I don’t want it

and he doesn’t want it either, but he makes mistakes. When we talk about accepting weakness

we will discuss this further. General reading means to understand

that I am a creation made of a self, that’s a soul and a body and everything we spoke about regarding the needs

and pain and pleasure applies here. This will also require Specific reading, who am I as Abdul Rahman? Now I know that I am a creation, but am I

a copy of someone else? No, I am uniquely myself! This will require us to recall

parts of our previous discussion when we spoke about the introspection booklet,

if you remember The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: We said we would discuss it in detail

later, we are getting close to that now, possibly in the next session I believe,

not in today’s session. What’s the story of specific reading?

How can I read Abdul Rahman after I knew that Abdul Rahman is a creation,

a body and a soul, I need something else before

diving into this part, what is it? Let me ask you, what is the need of all needs? The Host: Need of all needs? Dr Abdul Rahman: Yes, what is the need of all needs? The Host: That’s a difficult question, doctor! Dr Abdul Rahman: The Need of all needs.

Don’t I have needs? The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: These needs require something, what is it?

The need to express them. And this a topic on its own

that could drive a couple to divorce. She has needs that she never expressed before,

he has needs and he never talked about them. When two people are friends

and then suddenly one of them blows up at the other saying, "This is it, we are not friends anymore”

or he suddenly blocks him, He had issues that accumulated

but never expressed them. All these needs we talked about,

all of them need to be expressed. Which leads us to another important topic

that is self-expression! The Host: Does that mean, that every need

I have, I should express it, and not hold it in?! Dr Abdul Rahman: Thoughts and feelings need to be expressed. The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: Expression is a behaviour. Of course, expressing them comes in different ways, which we could cover at a later time.

Whereas yes, any need existing within me, should be expressed. This of course

will take us to the topic of expression, As usual we ask the first question,

which is: what is self expression? The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: What is the source of the word

[in Arabic] “تعبير” (expression)? It comes from the root (عبر) “travelled”,

what’s the definition of “travelled”? Moved from one place to another,

or was carried from one place to another, therefore expression -psychologically-

is carrying your thoughts and feelings from within you to- where?! The Host: To the outside. Dr Abdul Rahman: To the outside. Is that clear? The Host: Clear. Dr Abdul Rahman: Beautiful. Expression requires something else

so that it’s fruitful; Honesty.

Why? If there wasn’t honesty we will get

into a huge issue, deception. The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: Which is lying to yourself, to show

the opposite of what I feel inside leading to hypocrisy.

But first let me say, expression is just carrying something

from point A to B. Similar to a floral fragrance [“عبير” in Arabic]

which is something that travelled. Everything related to the word [تعبير, عبور] “expression”,

means travelling from one place to another. Expression is important, why?

Based on what we discussed, what do you think is the importance of expression? The Host: Since we said it is the need of the need, meaning for me to fulfil my needs

I need to- Dr Abdul Rahman: I need to give it a way out. The Host: Yes! Dr Abdul Rahman: If there was no way out, what would happen? The Host: It will keep pressuring me. Dr Abdul Rahman: It will pile up and will weigh me down,

therefore the need to express is very important for me to relieve myself. Meaning:

The first benefit of expression is relief! The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: Some will say, “Doctor, I expressed myself now what?” Before explaining what comes afterwards,

the fact that you just expressed yourself, “Psssss” Do you know this feeling?-

This alone will impact you psychologically. Let alone when you release this need [by expression]

and see it before your eyes, and begin performing an important task called: “diagnosis”

When you release the need, “what is this?” Is this it? I thought I needed something else.

“Is this what was causing me worry?” You start to diagnose a lost need inside of you,

that you were unaware of. When it came out of you

you understood what it was exactly. Therefore the first benefits of expression

are related to myself, which is relief and diagnosis.

There is another thing related to others, You might find it strange, I call it:

“Charity”, how is it charity? The Host: How? Dr Abdul Rahman: I am charitable to you, by saving you the burden of reading me. I am not wasting your time and tiring you so that you can understand me.

I am giving you myself on a golden platter. I wish couples would do this! I wish the wife puts aside her ego and prestige and

“What would he say” and “My mom said he should be the one to show you love and understanding” This is all nonsense! He is your husband!

If you have a certain need, tell him: "I need this and that”,

“You are not giving me: one, two and three” If the man has a need, don’t assume she will

read your mind and know what it is, she can’t! Be charitable towards her and save her the hardship

of knowing what you want, and just tell her. Going even beyond that,

you provided comfort to the other person, and saved them time and effort

that could’ve led you to problems. Moreover, you taught the other person

something about yourself, that might help them understand more about you

because you humbled yourself and set aside your arrogance! The Host: How? Dr Abdul Rahman: What are the biggest obstacles

that prevent me from expressing myself? It could be embarrassing.

"How will I look in front of you?” “The embarrassment that causes -”

This is arrogance, invisible arrogance! The Host: Embarrassment is a form of arrogance? Dr Abdul Rahman: Invisible arrogance, which is: “What will they think of me

when I stand in front of them and express myself? Will they say “Oh he thinks about this and that”

"We thought you were wiser than this” No, I am not wiser than this! I will give an example,

I call it the story of the Molokhiyya (an egyptian dish). I always narrate it during lectures and workshops. Once, a lady came to me and unfortunately

she reached the divorce stage with her husband, I told her what is the matter, she said:

"He does not love me!” How did you know he doesn't?

“Ask him.” The husband said: “Doctor, the latest argument we had

We were at home and she made me Molokhiyya She asked me: “How is it dear?”

I told her: “Very nice.” She said: “That’s all?”

He said: “Very very nice” She said: “That’s all?” He said: “Yes”.

Then she exploded: “Of course you don’t even love me-” He said: “I thought hard about what I did wrong,

we were perfectly fine 10 minutes ago” I told her: “Can I ask you a question?

What were your expectations when you placed the molokhiyya plate

in front of him?” She said: “Can he step out of the room?”

I told her: “Are you stupid? You want your husband, the closest person to you

on the face of the planet, to leave the room to talk about him

with a stranger! Do you know what he will think about outside?”

"What is she telling him?” Please take note of the amount of stupidity and naivety. I told her: “You will speak in his presence,

tell me” She said: “I am scared he will say

‘What is this? Are you this silly?’” I told her: “Tell me, what were you thinking?”

She said: “Honestly, a while ago we were at his mom’s house and she made him molokhiyya.

He told her: “Ohhh mother, just like always your molokhiyya [is the best] -” I told her: “So you placed the molokhiyya

in front of him wanting to hear from him” The Host: The same compliment. Dr Abdul Rahman: "the molokhiyya you make defeats other molokhiyyas

my mom’s cooking is nothing compared to yours” This is what you wanted to hear, right?

She said: “Yes”. I told her: “So are you silly or not?”

I told her: “What would have happened if you simply expressed yourself when you were

at his mom’s place, you could have told him: “Why do I feel you are always really happy

when you eat at your mom’s but I don’t feel you express it the same way when I cook?”

If you expressed yourself we would not have reached this point!” The Host: Correct. Dr Abdul Rahman: This is a simple example. What if I was with my friend and he acted a certain way,

what if I expressed myself right then? Expression is one of the most important things

that will lead us to something I call: “The Fiqh of Now” or “Present-Moment Awareness”.

If I expressed myself in that moment, I won’t suffer from "Displaced feelings”,

what is that? I am annoyed of you right now .

but I did not express myself. A few days later, we are supposed to be enjoying

our time together, however I am not happy, why? Because the feelings from two days ago

are still with me. However if I expressed myself in that moment,

it would have been resolved. Of course some might say: Doctor, what if

I hurt the person by expressing myself right away? etc. We will talk about this in purification.

We will get into details then. What I want to clarify in today’s session

is that as long as you have a need, you have to express that need. What is the need of the need? Expression.

What is an expression? We explained it. Its importance to the self is it provides relief and diagnosis.

And it’s charity for others because I relieve the burden of having them go through

the pain of understanding me All this will provide us comfort and will save us

a lot of time during our communication and will help me and others communicate

in a psychologically healthy way. The Host: We said a lot of people run away from expressing themselves,

because they have a form of arrogance; Embarrassment. Dr Abdul Rahman: Yes. I call it invisible arrogance. The Host: Invisible arrogance, are there other reasons? Dr Abdul Rahman: Mostly because either they are incapable

of expressing themselves, they were never taught to express themselves.

From a young age he was told: “Shush, be quiet, ” “That is shameful, what will people say-” So, he is always silent and is afraid to express himself

to not be misunderstood etc. Either he was not taught or self-expression

was associated with bad reactions, thus developing a negative association,

or that self-expression was equal to others being hurt. So he is afraid of others being hurt

more than hurting himself! The Host: Alright, if someone was impacted as such

when he was a child, people were dealing with him badly,

and he now wants to break the barrier to express himself- Dr Abdul Rahman: We will talk about this during purification in sha’ Allah. The Host: Alright, nice. Dr Abdul Rahman: We will postpone it when we talk about purification. The Host: Alright, is expression related to defence mechanisms? Dr Abdul Rahman: Yes, we will also talk about deceptions and defence mechanisms. But yes you should know that expression

is closely related to defence mechanisms. I can express myself but in a manner

that does not reflect what I truly feel inside. I want to talk to you about something and

give you an unrelated detail. I want to tell you that I love you-for example, Let me end it here with an advice to married couples

and wrap up today’s session. I always tell men: Part of the qawama (men’s guardianship)

is to know that women don’t mean everything they say. Let me say it again, part of men’s guardianship

is to know that women don’t mean everything they say. How? I always say that when the woman tells you:

“I hate you, I hate you.” Read between the lines,

what does she mean? I love you so much to the point

that you are the person I am most attached to on the face of the earth so much that I hate you! The Host: Is that possible?! Dr Abdul Rahman: But she loves abbreviations thus says: “I hate you” The Host: It’s easier if she just said she loves him. Dr Abdul Rahman: But she was not taught that,

and unfortunately was taught wrong that, "Be careful, if you told him you love him

he will go looking for another woman” and so on. If she said “Divorce me”,

read between the lines, “I want to test you and your love

and see how attached you are to me that even if I told you to divorce me

a 100 times you won’t. Divorce me” The Host: The smart man should understand! Dr Abdul Rahman: She summarises all that, and the problem is

she thinks he will read her mind. No, that is why expression will do away with this! The Host: Seems like the next session requires

more time with the topic of expression. Dr Abdul Rahman: No, we will talk about all this during purification- But I just want people to know that expression

is related to defence mechanisms. How is it related and how will we treat it?

This will be during purification- in sha’ Allah. The Host: Insha’Allah. Dr Abdul Rahman: You are welcome anytime.

The Host: Thank you doctor. Dr Abdul Rahman: See you tomorrow insha’Allah.

The Host: Insha’Allah, thank you. Dr Abdul Rahman: May the peace, mercy and blessing of Allah be upon you.

The Host: Upon you too.