How some friendships last — and others don’t - Iseult Gillespie

In a 2008 study, psychologists asked participants

to rate the steepness of a hill. Those who were accompanied

by a good friend judged the hill to be less steep

than people who were alone. This is just one of many ways friendships

can change how we see and move through the world. Friendships can boost

our academic performance, help us deal with setbacks,

and even improve our health. And the relationships we form

in our childhood and teenage years can shape our beliefs, values,

and emotional growth. It's clear that friendships are important, but making and maintaining friends

isn't always easy. Let's start at the beginning. If you struggle with approaching new

people, you are far from alone. In a series of studies, participants had

conversations of varying lengths with strangers. Afterward, they were asked to estimate

how much they thought each stranger liked them. Across the board,

participants rated their own likability much lower than others

had actually rated them. Scientists dubbed this tendency

to underestimate how much others enjoy our company as the “liking gap.” So, before meeting new people, it may be helpful to psych yourself up and remember that others like you

more than you think. You may even want to enter these

conversations assuming that the other person will like you. Known as the “acceptance prophecy,” psychologists find that when people

expect to be well-liked, they often unknowingly come

across as warmer and friendlier. And the more new people you meet,

the more confident you’ll likely feel. In one study, people who talked to just

one new person each day for a week reported feeling less afraid of rejection, more secure in their

conversational skills, and more excited to meet

new people overall. Next, what’s happening when relationships

grow from casual acquaintances to confidants? Psychologists have identified two key

features of more intimate friendships: companionship and closeness. Companionship is defined as the rapport

or understanding that blooms between people with

similar hobbies, interests, or values. Sometimes, just being in the same class

or team is enough to build this connection. And companionship has many benefits— it’s been shown to improve self-esteem

and increase our resilience to stress. Closeness, on the other hand,

looks different for every relationship. It might mean supporting each other

through difficult times or feeling comfortable sharing

your thoughts and feelings. But not every friendship has to get deeply

personal, especially at first. Simply telling a friend about your day

or sharing your interests can help build closeness. While every friendship develops

on its own timeline, consistency can help, which can include sticking to plans,

chatting regularly, and remembering the things that

are important to each other. This holds true even for

long-distance friendships. Chatting and texting can keep these

relationships strong— as long as they remain intimate,

trusting, and consistent. Yet even the closest friendships

hit rough patches. This is especially true

for teenage friendships, when people often navigate different types

of challenges for the first time. For example, there might be a situation

that puts two friends in competition— like applying to the same college. One might betray the other's confidence

or make a hurtful comment. And these relationships can also falter

when one person feels unable or unwilling to support the other

through challenging situations— like breakups, illnesses,

or personal tragedies. The most surefire way to deal

with rifts is to talk about them. These conversations can

be tough and awkward. But if they’re approached

in the right way, they can strengthen friendships

in the long run. Before these difficult conversations, try to remind yourselves

to show up without judgment. Avoid getting too defensive

or making accusations— instead, share how the situation is making

you feel and invite them to do the same. Some friendships naturally come to an end. Others change. Whether new buddies or lifelong pals, all friendships can benefit

from building healthy habits. And it’s never too late

to make a new friend.