What Makes a Good Life? This Study on 26,000 Regrets Will Guide You for the Rest of Your Life

Today, you and I are talking about a global study about regret. [music] What we discovered is that around the world people seem to have the same four kinds of regrets. Foundation regrets, if only I'd done the work. Boldness regrets, if only I'd taken the chance. Moral regrets, if only I'd done the right thing. Connection regrets, if only I'd reached out. So, these four regrets are telling us what makes a good life. Daniel Pink is one of the most influential thinkers of our time. He's a multiple New York Times best-selling author. His TED Talk has been viewed more than 12 million times. [music] Daniel Pink led one of the largest studies ever conducted on the topic of regret. And what he discovered is extraordinary. No one's taught us this. This is the thing. Somehow we've been taught the idea that you should be positive all the time and never be negative and always look forward and never look back. And that's bad advice. And you don't want to have the conversation where 10 years from now you have to tell the you of 2036, "Hey, I blew it." What you should be doing is saying regret is part of the human experience. It's a signal. It's a knock at the door. Answer the door. [music] See what it has to tell you. And in a systematic way, approach it, draw a lesson from it, and you're going to be better off. Why do we regret the things we didn't do rather than the things we did? >> Everybody has regret. And you have a choice. You can ignore your regrets, or you can wallow in [music] your regrets, or you can confront your regrets. And when we do that in a kind way toward ourselves, it makes us better. We get more out of life. We deepen our relationships. We find a greater sense of meaning. And we don't waste our precious time on this planet. Hey, it's Mel. And before we get into this episode, my team was showing me 57% of you who watch the Mel Robbins podcast here on YouTube are not subscribed yet. Could you do me a quick favor? Just hit subscribe so that you don't miss any of the episodes that we post here on YouTube. It lets me know you're enjoying the guests and the content that we're bringing you because I want to make sure you don't miss a thing and I'm so glad you're here for this episode cuz this is a really good one. All right, let's dive in. Dan Pink, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. >> Thank you. Thank you. It's great to be with you. It's so great to see you. So, I have here in my hands a huge stack of regrets. >> That is a huge stack. >> What we pulled our global audience. Yeah. I want to read some of these to you. >> Okay. Uh here we go. I'm just turning to a page. Not talking to my father before he passed. >> Mhm. We weren't on speaking terms for over 2 years. >> Mhm. Quitting my career due to burnout instead of asking my family for help. >> Okay. Uh oh, not being more patient with my kids Okay. when they were younger. Why was I always rushing? Not standing up for myself or listening to myself. Allowing others to influence my choices. >> Mhm. Not prioritizing my children. Choosing a relationship over my kids. >> Oops. Not believing in myself when I was younger. Not going to medical school. I regret not realizing my worth and allowing disrespect because of it. Wishing I did better in high school. Dating the wrong man and I always sort of knew it. I didn't have therapy sooner. The career I loved I wanted to pursue. I didn't. It just goes on and on and on. And where I want to start is if I take everything to heart that you are about to share with us, >> Yeah. that you have researched regarding regret, what it can teach us, how might my life change? Well, first of all, you're going to know what to do with that kind of emotion. You're going to take that emotion which feels bad. You're going to be able to take that negative sentiment and turn it into something positive. And when you do that, you do some other things. You actually understand what you value in life. You actually find more meaning in life. But wait, there's more. For some of those, there's actually some evidence out there in the research that says that you can become better at your job. You can become a better negotiator. You can become a better problem solver. You can become a better thinker. So, uh the the key here is to look those regrets in the eye, not to flinch from them, not to ignore [clears throat] them, not to wallow in them, but to look them in the eye. And those that pile there, Mel. Yes, it is This is heavy, Dan. But you know what? It's heavy, but it's also positive. Let me tell you why. Because what we think is we think that And this is how I got into this topic. We think that nobody wants to talk about regrets. Yep. That's proof that that's wrong. People do want to talk about regrets. >> Everybody, I think, wants to talk about regrets. We quietly carry them with us. And I just want to hover on something that you just said, that we can't avoid it, we can't run from it, we need to face it, and that there is something that regret is trying to teach us about how we should be living our life. And I love that, but when I read something like marrying my first husband after he cheated on me, I really regret that. Not talking to my mother, and then she died. You know, just all this wishing I should have. Can you really flip this weight and turn it into something that makes your life better? Yes, you can. Regret clarifies what we value and points us how to do better in the future. This emotion that these people are expressing here Yes. >> is is one of the most common emotions that human beings have. Regret. >> It yes, it is ubiquitous in the human experience. All right? People talk about say, "Oh, I don't have any regrets, everything happens for a reason." That's utter BS. The only people who don't have regrets are little kids because their brains haven't developed the cognitive capacity to do it, people with certain kinds of neurodegenerative disorders, and sociopaths. Otherwise, everybody has regrets. Okay? So, the question is why? Why would something that makes us feel so bad be so widespread. And the answer is cuz it's useful. If we treat it right, and here's the problem. Here's the Here's the Here's the heart of it. No one ever told us how to do that. So, what happens is is that we basically plug our ears and say, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, no regrets." Or we get buried by it. What we want to do is just chill out. Look at it. Think about it. Stare it in the eye. And when we do that, it's transformative. I believe you, and when you read these, you feel the weight letting my best friend and I drift apart, not taking chances, playing secure, not staying longer and holding my dying grandma's hands, securing financial freedom for my future, wishing I got a lump in my breasts checked out sooner instead of feeling like I was just overthinking it, staying in a relationship longer than I wanted, not having more kids, and my husband rubs my face in it. And I want you as you're listening to Dan or you're watching right now to think about some regret that you have, and we're going to get into these frameworks and this research. And I want you to be selfish right now. I want you to really hold on to that regret that you've not wanted to talk about, you try to push off in the past, and I want you to use this conversation to set yourself free. Dan, what made you want to lean into and do the biggest research project ever done on regrets? Cuz I had regrets. Really? Yeah. Uh and and I had a moment This is I I I've lived, you know, six decades without epiphanies except for one case. One time where it sort of I felt like the universe was opening up to me, and that was a few years ago at my elder daughter's college graduation. >> Okay. So, it's a long day. She's graduating from college, and I'm sort of having an out-of-body experience. I'm watching her in the cap and gown, and and I started thinking about my own college experience, which was actually quite positive, but I had some regrets. Mhm. Um I wish I were kinder to people, big time. I wish I had taken more risks. I actually wish I'd worked a little harder. And so, it sort of stuck with me, came back to Washington, where I live, and I knew that nobody wanted to talk about regret, and I was like very sheepishly said, "Yeah, you know what? I just went to Sophia's graduation, and I was thinking about my own college, and you know, I kind of regret this, I kind of regret that." And I realized that everybody wanted to talk about it, that once I sort of let loose, they let loose, and you ended up having these very rich, generative conversations that people were bottling these things up. And so, to make a long story longer, I actually was working on an entirely different book at the time. And so, I I took this other book, put it aside, spent a month like just doing the basic research on regret, spent another month writing an entirely new book proposal, which I sent to my very surprised editor, who thought I was working on this one book, and said, "Hey, I think I want to write I think I want to write this book." Now, there's also a personal side side of this. Not only was the the impulse me, but also there's a stage of life thing going on here. You know, I am 61 years old. I am in the, to use a golf term, the back nine of life. All right? I got more of my life behind me than ahead. So, there's more to look back and regret, but also there's a sense of urgency going forward. And so, this is not a book I would have written when I was 31. But, at this stage of my life, there's something about it that felt kind of inevitable, because I'm at the perfect point, because I got a lot of room to look back, but, knock wood, room to look forward and do better. I love this. First of all, he's the perfect guy to talk about this, because even in the example that you just sort of dropped in there about sitting at a graduation, and automatically time shrinks. >> Yes. You start to look at time through a different lens. I'm sure as you were listening, you were thinking back to moments in your past where you wish you wouldn't have wasted time, or you wish you would have been kinder, or you wish I felt the same thing about college. I drank too much, I didn't like take advantage of the opportunity, I didn't seek help for the mental health issues cuz I didn't know what they were. Like just the way I treated people, on and on and on and on. I also loved and I want to make sure you caught it, whether you're in your 20s or your 60s or 70s or 40s, we're going to benefit from what Dan's talking about, which is there's something funny about what happens when you get older. The aperture of what you're looking ahead at suddenly comes into focus, and all of the crap that you put up with, the things you wasted time on, also come into focus, and you say, "Well, if I only have 10 years or 20, or heck, you know, even another 50, I want to do it differently." And so if I'm hearing you correctly, the first thing to really embrace is that as much as regret may be crushing you, or you're dragging it around like a 20-year-old suitcase, that it has something to teach you that can put more life into the years ahead. Absolutely. Open the suitcase cuz there's a gift inside. You're freaked out by that suitcase that you've been but open it up. It's less menacing than you think. And that's true at any stage of our lives. So, let's start with what the heck is regret? And what's the difference between something you regret versus something that you kind of feel sad about and kind of wish didn't happen? Or are those the same things? They're not the same thing. So, what regret is the it regret is a terrible feeling. It's a feeling. This is really important. It's an emotion. It's a feeling we have when we look backward and wish we had done something differently, wish we hadn't done something, wish we had done something in a different way. All right, so we look backward and we think about a decision or an action, and it makes us feel bad. Right? That's what regret is. Now, it is very different from other kinds of emotions. So, you can have an emotion like disappointment. Um if you wish something didn't happen. So, um uh I was I was on a trip uh last week, and they were on the East Coast, there was a massive snowstorm, and I basically had to leave early, and um I can't regret that. I didn't make it snow, you know? But, I can be disappointed. And so, so regret has to have agency. It's something that you did. You can't regret something someone else did. It's It's all about agency. That's why it feels so bad, because we know deep down it's your fault. It's on you. That's why it feels so bad. And so, um but what's that that bad feeling is a signal. It's data. It's information. It is It's a knock at the door. Conk conk conk conk conk conk conk conk. Okay, so what do we do when there's a knock on the door? You can say, "I don't hear anything." >> [laughter] >> All right? What the What knock? All right? Or, you can say, "Oh my god, a knock on the door." And you can dive under the couch. Or, you can say, "Huh, I wonder who's there?" Clink. Oh, it's a regret. "What do you got to tell me?" And so, that's how we have to start That's how we have to start thinking about it. The other thing that comes out in these regrets though, Mel, which is interesting, is people sort of between the lines, you almost hear them saying or feeling that there's something wrong with them because they have that this regret. And that's that's that is that's a huge mistake, because everybody has regrets. Everybody has regrets. It doesn't make you bad. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you broken. It makes you human. I want to just talk first about this research that you did, because you've done the biggest research study on regrets, 26,000 regrets, 134 countries. What shocked you the most when you dug into the research? >> Yeah, we started something called the World Regret Survey where we invited people around the world to submit their big regret. We as you say we have a very very large database of regret and I think the most surprising thing about it is how much they sound exactly like the regrets that you got and exactly like the regrets that other people got. It's It's the universal like if I were to block out all the fields except for the regret and say to you Mel where's this from? This one of these regrets is from Milwaukee. Another one is from Copenhagen and this one is from Taipei. Which is which? You wouldn't know. You wouldn't know. >> [snorts] >> If I say um uh I had a chance to take a really challenging demanding job but I didn't believe in myself and I regret um I regret not taking the shot and I say to you is this person a man or a woman? You don't know. And so it's the universality of it that surprised me the most. And what were some other things that popped up to you other than the fact that we all live with and feel burdened by regret and none of us have been taught how to flip regret as a very universal experience being human into something that can change our lives for the better. I'll give you one um small example of this which is that similar to your pile right there. As I mentioned I wanted to give people anonymity cuz I felt like they were going to be more uh forthright about it all. And but I also said if you're interested in doing a follow-up interview um leave your email address. I figured we'd get maybe 5% of people. We had nearly a third of people leave their email address and say yeah, it's like not only do I want to tell you a complete stranger my big regret but here is my email address so you can talk to me some more about it. Why did that surprise you so much? Because there is this kind of yearning to unburden yourself, to make sense of it, to talk about it, to to you know to I like your metaphor to to open up that suitcase and actually see what's in it. And when people do open that up, the act of opening it makes it less menacing. You know, given that you are the director of the world's largest study and database on regret, is regret for teaching? What is it for exactly? It it it is for understanding what we care about and telling us how to do better in the future. You know, this is not only research that I've done. Social psychologists and neuroscientists and other cognitive scientists have been studying regret for 60 years. And they found again regret is one of the most ubiquitous emotions that human beings have, but we also have data showing that when you actually systematically interrogate your regrets, think about your regrets, um try to learn from your regrets, it makes you better at stuff. Mhm. I mean at the very least and we have all kinds of evidence from negotiation. You go into a negotiation session, right? Um they people come out, the the researchers say, "Tell me what you regret doing or not doing in that negotiation." So they invite the bad uh emotion, then they go to a next negotiation, they do better. And so so this is actually regret is actually a tool and it goes back to the idea that negative emotions have a purpose. They're there for a reason and if we try to extinguish them, forget about them, we're making a colossal mistake. And we and I don't think we would do with other negative emotions. >> What you know, cuz I don't like feeling sad. I don't like feeling frustrated or pissed off or disappointed. I definitely do not like feeling regret No. >> Nobody does. I don't like feeling >> supposed to like it. You're supposed to learn from it. What the hell Okay, so what is the point of a negative emotion? Okay, just like like like let's there. >> Okay. You know what? You don't like Okay, here we go. Here we go. [laughter] Here's what we're going to do. We're going to do a little experiment here then. Okay? You don't like you you don't like your negative emotions, okay? Okay. You don't like feeling sad. Do you like feeling grief? >> Well, no, but I >> Okay. Keep Talk to me. Do you like Do you like Do you like being >> Well, I don't like feeling grief, but if I don't feel grief, then I'm not like like that's part of loving somebody that's gone, I guess. Oh, there you go. How about that? All right. So So, I could get I could say we could say we could bring in like, you know, some neuroscientist down the road at MIT and say, "We're going to give you a magic pill and it's going to extinguish your ability to feel grief. Would you want that?" I don't think so. >> think you would. >> thought about that, actually. >> I don't think you would cuz cuz grief is that grief feels terrible. Grief is a terrible emotion, right? It makes you feel bad. But, it's there because it reminds us that we love and why we love. Let's take fear, another negative emotion. I don't like being scared, but you know what? I don't want that MIT magic pill. Say, "Oh, take this pill and you never feel fear the rest of your life." You know what's going to happen? I'm going to be in a burning building and everyone else is going to get out cuz I'm not scared. These negative emotions are there for a reason. They're adaptive. They helped us evolve. Now, you don't want a lot of negative emotions. >> No. All right? But, you want some. You want more Lots and lots of positive emotions. You want to feel love and awe and excitement and growth, and you want to have a lot of those. And you actually want a decent amount of regret because regret helps you learn. Well, I'll give you one that can prove this. Like, I was ridiculously irresponsible with money. Uh-huh. Yeah, we You and I went to college when you would check in to uh registration and there were tables with credit card companies just passing them out, and I just spent money. And then I developed a habit where I just spent money that I didn't have and I entered my marriage with like $20,000 in secret credit card debt that I couldn't pay off. Yeah. Like and it became this thing that I deeply regret >> Yeah. and when I listen to you now, I'm realizing I hid in shame and embarrassment for probably 20 years through my 20s and 30s and continued to make stupid decisions which ultimately led me to being in a situation where my husband and I were $800,000 in debt in our early 40s with liens on the house. That was so painful that it fundamentally altered the way I approach money because I didn't want to feel that bad anymore. There you go. >> But I dragged it around for probably two to three decades, Dan, before I unpacked that and said, "Okay, it's gotten painful enough. I can let it get worse before it gets better." I mean, uh we can analogize to going to the doctor. You know, do you do you do you say, "Oh, I got a I've had a really bad headache for 3 weeks." Or do you wait till you're 2 years from now when you're doubled over and can't breathe? No, you address it then because that's cuz like a headache a headache is a signal, "Hey, something's off." We have a lot of regrets, you know, in the database that are that are very much that are very much like that and and I think that part of it in in your case and in the case of these other folks is that when we don't talk about our regrets, when we don't share them, when we don't actively try to make sense of them we feel like we're the only one. And we're not. That's the thing. Remember, it's it's it's universal. Can you talk to the person listening who just heard you say we feel like we're the only one and it's they're saying to themself "But the thing that I did is really bad, Dan." Mhm. Like I I I I this is I am a horrible person. What does your data say and what do you want to say to them? >> Okay, so what I want to say to them is practice self-compassion. Okay, this is this is actually a there's a powerful strain of research on the need to be compassionate to ourselves. This is not some kind of gooey, woo-woo kind of thing. Essentially, here's what I would tell you. Treat yourself with kindness rather than contempt. The way we talk to ourselves internally, "You idiot, you" you know, swearing at ourselves internally, is lacerating and mean-spirited. Don't do that. There's no evidence that >> Easier said than done. >> What would you say to a friend in that situation? And said would you say, "You freaking idiot, you're a You don't know what you're doing. You're a terrible person." You wouldn't say that. >> [laughter] >> I mean, it's it's preposterous. You wouldn't say that to a friend. So, so treat yourself with kindness rather than contempt. Um treat yourself the way you would treat a a a friend. Second thing is what often happens is that when we make a mistake, when we screw up, when we do something that feels shameful, we think that it constitutes the full measure of our life. And it's not. It's a moment in your life. It's not the full measure of your life. If you think about this timeline, it's like, okay, during this period you messed up, but this rest of the stuff you're a decent person. >> in the movie. Yeah, it's a scene. It's a scene in a decade-long movie, and it doesn't fully it doesn't fully define you. >> Unless you keep replaying the scene. Yeah, exactly. Unless >> Is that the biggest mistake we're making? >> Unless you keep rewinding and watching that scene over and over and over again. >> I'm just going to keep on dragging around the suitcase I cheated, I squandered my finances, I was a jerk to people, I was unkind, I I I I was too if I just showed up earlier, I regret not showing up earlier or picking up the phone because then the person died. I've been dragging this or I just keep replaying the scene. Is that the biggest mistake that we're making? Is wallowing in it and replaying it? >> Absolutely. We make two different sort of different kinds of mistakes. We ignore it or we wallow in it. And both are really bad. What we should be doing is like, oh wow, this feels crappy. What is this regret telling me? And if we [snorts] treat our cell you know, the other thing that I would say with a little bit of tough love on this Yes. >> is Hit me. Let's go. You got to like any of these regrets? I mean, I'll I'll be a compassionate person, but You don't have to be. >> you're not that special. I mean you know, it's like you tell me about give me one of these regrets. It's like, oh wow, you're the really only person in the world who's squandered their money. Oh wow, you're the only person in the world who's cheated on their It's like, I got like you're not that special. Like it's part of the human experience. You're a human being and it it's not like you're like you know, the narcissists believe they're singularly excellent, but some of these people are almost reverse narcissists feeling like they're singularly bad. It's like, you're not that special. You're a human being who's living an experience and at a moment you have a scene where things went off the rails. All right, that feels terrible. I get it. Treat yourself with kindness rather than contempt. Uh treat yourself like you would a a friend and recognize it's a moment in your life rather than the full measure of your life. And when we do that we can begin to make sense of our regret and we can begin to draw lessons from it. I love that because it doesn't it it certainly defines how you handled yourself in that moment. But if you really are willing to use the research that you're about to unpack with us you can allow it to teach you to become who you want to become in the future. I'd love to hear more about this huge research study rather that you did [clears throat] on regret. Dan, what's the most common type of regret that you found when you dug into the research? Well, what we what what we discovered is that around the world people seem to have the same four kinds of regrets. >> fall in buckets. >> Right. So there are four there are four categories all over the world. Foundation regrets, if only I'd done the work. Uh boldness regrets, if only I'd taken the chance. Moral regrets, if only I'd done the right thing. And connection regrets, if only I'd reached out. The most common regret was a regret of connection. All right? And so, typically the story was this. You had a relationship or should have had a relationship that that was intact and or should have been intact and it comes apart. Usually in undramatic ways. There's very little There's like less drama than you would think. Hey, I have my Hey, I might went to college with my friend Mel and we were really tight and then but I haven't seen her for 10 years. I should really give her a call. See how she's doing. Oh, no. It's going to be so awkward and she's not going to care. So, I don't do it. And sometimes it's too late. There's a one woman I interviewed who had a friend who was who was deeply ill and she hemmed and hawed about reaching out to her cuz she thought it was going to be awkward and when she finally did call, the friend had died that morning. That That morning. There are other people who um one woman named Cheryl who I interviewed had this great friend from college actually who she drifted apart from and she for 20 years 25 years and she didn't call her. She wanted to call her but she didn't call her. And what happened next? So, I got kind of frustrated with her because it was a classic example of a of a connection regret. But as I have these interviews, I getting to know this person better and I'm thinking to myself, Cheryl, you know what to do here. And so, finally I get an email maybe 5 days later. I send an email to her Her friend's name was Jen. I send an email to Jen and she was so happy to hear from me and then they ended up having a phone conversation and then they ended up meeting up and now I swear, I get a photograph every 6 months of Hey, I just saw Jen. Here's a photo of us together. And so, you know, that that's that's what happens. And this woman was like living with this regret for 20 years and all she had to do was reach out. And she Once she did, things were better. So, I've got a story like this. So, when you and I were in elementary school and high school, we're talking '70s and early '80s. >> You got it. >> No social media, no cell phones. >> Absolutely not. I went east for college. I grew up in the Midwest. My best friend, Jodie Brickin, stayed in the Midwest, and our two paths separated. >> Okay. And I stayed out east. She moved to Chicago. She then moved out west. We spent the next 20-some years not talking. For no reason. >> Right. For no reason. We just had no cell phones. Like, you know, I didn't even think to follow her because once I got social media, we hadn't talked in like 10 years. Just because we didn't see each other again cuz I moved far away, she moved far away. And then we ended up bumping into each other one summer. Mhm. In I think my mid-40s. >> Mhm. And I immediately was flooded with how much I missed her. And we started making these dates, Dan, that whenever we would both travel for work, we would try to line up our calendars, and then we'd stay in a hotel room together. And she'd be at her business conference, I'd be at mine. It's one of the greatest joys of my life. Just took a second, Dan. It takes a second to reconnect. And what I have found in interviewing people like this is that the relationship restarts almost instantly. Oh my god, we text every week. I talk to her on the phone. We see each other many times a year, even though we live nowhere We live in completely different parts of the country. I'm in Vermont, she's in Arizona. But we He's brought so much joy to And that's how That's how a lot of these relationships come apart. There's like, you know, it's like we think that relationships come apart because there's some kind of explosion. And in this case, and in many cases, just a drift. That was the case with with Cheryl and Jen. That was the case with you and Jodie. It just drifts. And all you have to do reach out. I cannot tell you how much joy it will bring you. If there's somebody on your mind that you're thinking about as I tell you the story of Jody, call them. Text them. Send them this episode and say you just listened to this episode with Mel and Dan, and you were the first person that popped into my mind, and I would have and I just had to reach out to you. I miss you. I just was thinking about you. >> It's a life lesson. When in doubt, reach out. >> When in doubt, reach out. All right, I have two truths and one lie to share with you. I high-five myself in the mirror every morning. I'm an exceptional fly fisherwoman. And I've been a Verizon customer for over a decade. Okay, I lied. All three are true. You know, Verizon isn't as expensive as you think. In fact, if you bring in your AT&T or T-Mobile bill, they'll give you a better deal. That's right, a better deal on the best network with the most ways to save on plans, streaming, and phone deals. Take your AT&T or T-Mobile bill to your local Verizon store today, get your better deal, and start saving for real. And one of the reasons why I and my entire family have been Verizon customers for over a decade, they have the best cell phone coverage everywhere and anywhere. And I travel so much for work. I also live in a rural area. Verizon is always there for me and my family. Based on Root Metrics best overall mobile network performance US second half 2025, all rights reserved. Must provide recent consumer mobile bill in the name of the person redeeming the deal. Additional terms, conditions, and restrictions apply. Why are we so hesitant? Like, why do we wait so long to reconnect, Dan? Okay, because we are Here we go. I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to just drop another nugget of tough love here. Because we think we're more special than we really are, okay? So, here's what I mean by that. All right, we think it's going to be awkward and we think the other side's not going to care. That's the That's the most important thing. And then but if we if you give it the reverse, you would say suppose that my old friend Mel called me after 15 years. Would you say that's really weird? I can't believe she did that? I would say >> Exactly. So, why wouldn't the other person be thrilled? We think somehow our we have we we Yeah, like we're we're entirely different from everybody else. Of course, we'd be thrilled if somebody reached out, but no one else would because we're so special. And so um and so there there is a great degree particularly on connection regrets. And this actually a big lesson for me personally about feelings of awkwardness Hm. as a barrier to doing things. Awkwardness is the most papery of paper tigers. Awkwardness, I mean it. I'm I'm dead serious about >> the papery of paper tigers. >> Well, you say it's it's a paper tiger. It's not a real tiger, it's a paper tiger. But it's really papery. You go and it you go right through it. It's like those things in like those It's like in those those cartoons where somebody comes and sees this giant shadow and the person looks like huge and then you realize it's just a little bitty thing right there. That's That's what that is. So, so so >> So, there's awkwardness in thinking about the reconnection and we overestimate >> am I going to say? It's going to I haven't talked to them. I don't know what they're like. Um we we over index on the words we use and don't realize that simply the warmth and the overture was what matters. There's research on this. Vanessa Bohns at Cornell has done a lot of this research on compliments. It's the same thing with compliments. We don't give enough compliments. And the reason we don't give compliments is we say, "Oh, it's going to be really awkward if I give a compliment because I'm not going to say it right or and the other side's not going to care." When in fact it's not awkward and they do care. So, push past that. So, awkwardness is not cringe is not an excuse. Call it whatever you want, guys. It is not an excuse. Uh so, I think that's the reason why. >> Well, I love this topic and let me tell you why. As you were just talking, and I'm sure as you're listening or watching, you're probably thinking about people that you really miss or you haven't thought of and you just kind of are thinking, "Well, maybe I should reach out." Like, I have a friend that I regret having a falling out with Mhm. in college, right after college. It was due to my mental health issues and I like lied that I It wasn't a lie, it was gossip that I engaged in, and I really regret it. And I It's the awkwardness and the cringe and also this fear of rejection that keeps me from reaching out. And what I'm getting in the middle of this conversation is I need to because I know I value connection. I know I value acceptance. I know I value these things, and I, too, am guilty. We're talking 30-plus years of missing that connection or at least just not ever checking back in. Can Can we Can we unpack this regret of not saying I love you? Yeah. It's very striking to me Yeah. how many people have either never heard one of their parents tell them they love them >> Yeah. or you hear it on the deathbed >> Yeah. or you're waiting for somebody to say it to you. Yeah. Can you talk a little bit about this particular regret because I see it a lot. I didn't tell my mom or dad how they felt or my brother or my sister and then they died. It is the the solution is very very simple. Say it now. Period. Full stop. That's all that it is. And if it feels a little awkward, fine. Push past that awkwardness. The feeling of awkwardness you're experiencing now is nothing compared to the feeling of regret you might feel 5 years from now, 10 years from now. Uh and just and and just say it. And the thing is like this is also learned behavior because once you do it, the next one becomes easier. Once you do that, it becomes easier and easier and easier and easier. Listen. Listen. Listen. This is not natural be Okay. Like like I'm like a I'm like a I'm like a guy in my I'm like a straight white man in my early 60s. It's not natural for me to text a buddy of mine and say, "Hey, I'm thinking of you." All right? That is not That is learned behavior. That is not natural behavior. But you know what? When you do that, the second time, it's not as awkward. And there's not been a single time I've done something like that where someone said, "Ooh, that's weird." Instead, it's the exact opposite. "Oh my god, so nice of you." Fantastic. Get a Hey, that was so nice of you to text. Like what's going on with you? One of the other buckets is foundation regrets. What are those? Your your regret about debt is a foundation regret. Uh small >> Meaning I was like spending too much I was very irresponsible with money. Spent money that I didn't have. Racked up all That's a foundation regret? >> tell you why. Because each individual act of spending was not itself cataclysmic. It's small decisions that you make early in life that accumulate to terrible consequences later on. So, I spent too much and saved too little and now I'm broke. Hugely common regret. I didn't exercise or eat right and now I'm profoundly unhealthy. Did you you smoke one cigarette, it's fine. You do it for 20 years, it's not so fine. And so these are regrets that accumulate and then have terrible consequences. And that's how these things catch up on us. I had a guy who talked about this this guy, lovely guy from Tennessee who had a tough background and but did very well in his career. Um but never saved money cuz he had all he ate out all the time. And he felt good about taking people out to dinner, picking up the check all the time. And you go out to eat, you know, five times a week for 10 years, it's going to add up, man. And so, you know, suddenly he's like, "Oh my god, I'm 40 years old. I have no savings and I'm like living paycheck to paycheck even though I have a good job." So, it's those it's those kinds of things. So, that one time you go out to dinner and treat your friends, it's all cool. It's the accumulation of it all that that really that really does it. So, and again, it it it it it it erodes the foundation of our of our lives. And one of the things about regret is that regret is telling us what constitutes a good life. Mhm. Okay? So, these four regrets are telling us what makes a good life. And one of the things that makes a good life, but I think sometimes get short shrift, is that a good life has some stability. A good life has a foundation to it. A good life is is not precarious. You know, we can talk about self-actualizing and feeling a sense of purpose and meaning and da da da da, but if like you can't pay your rent, your life is less good. So, it sounds like foundational regrets, these things that sneak up on us and then all of a sudden we've fallen off a cliff and our health is terrible, we have no money, we're addicted to alcohol or smoking, we've been a workaholic and never made time for friends and now I've no idea where all our friends are. >> Yeah. That these are kind of like the little daily habits that either lead you to building the foundation of a good life or that have you constantly putting it off for a rainy day. >> You know, in that in that famous fable, you had the the grasshopper who was spending all summer, you know, playing the fiddle and dancing around or you or you had the ant who was assiduously gathering food for the dark winter. And here's the thing, it's like you don't want to live your entire life as an ant. You don't want to always prepare for gloom or doom, but you want to be a little ant-like because your life is going to be better uh if you take responsibility, if you build that foundation. Let's talk about one of the other categories of regrets, which is boldness. What does that mean? Okay, this is a really big category and it spreads throughout all of our lives and I think it tells us something really, really important. Boldness regrets are this, you look back on your life and you have two choices. You play it safe, take the chance. Play it safe, take the chance. Hey, I can study abroad even though I've never been out of the country or I can just go and do my thing for another semester. Um hey, this person is I'm really attracted to. Uh I want to ask him or her out on a date or I can just wimp out and not do it. You know what? I'm so deadened by this job, I can either stay in it and continue the deadening or I can take a risk and start a business. Overwhelmingly, when people don't take the shot, they regret it. Overwhelmingly and it doesn't matter the domain of life. It's like it when we look back on our lives, what what really bumps us out is not taking the chance, not speaking up for something we care about, not standing up for ourselves, not starting that business. I got hundreds of regrets about dating. It's like, oh my god, there was this guy or this gal and I really liked them and that, you know, this 30 years ago and I really wish I'd asked them out on a date. So, um regrets of boldness, if only I'd taken the shot. I'm so happy that you said it was overwhelmingly focused on things that you didn't do because I do believe there's kind of two ways to go through life. You either are going to be saying, "Boy, I wish I had." or "Boy, I'm so glad I did." And as I went through even our own like thousands and thousands, I didn't really see a lot of regrets saying, "I really regret quitting that job and starting the business even though it failed. I really regret, you know, like selling everything and figuring out how to travel full-time. I really regret moving. I I I didn't see really anybody reporting that boldness when it was a decision aligned with something that they yearned for ended up being a regret. >> Amen on that one, man. Can we talk about a common phrase that we saw and I know it showed up profoundly in this massive research study that you did on regrets, which is I wish I'd done the sooner. Yeah. >> So, it's almost like this two-pronged regret where you regretted something and then you have the double regret of wishing once you caught it that you caught it sooner. Yeah. >> What keeps people in this waiting period? Cuz I do feel like there is at least in the I wish I'd gotten out of the relationship center. I wish I would have quit in this I wish I would have gone back to nursing school sooner. I wish I would have that it's almost an admission to yourself that those years you spent talking yourself out of it, you knew the truth all the time. You might have. You might have. Um but sometimes the timing isn't right. I'd give yourself a lot of grace on that. How come? Um because you did something. You took the action. You know? You You took the action. There's an old Chinese proverb, which is, you know, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. Second best time is now. And so, that's what you have You just have to think about it that way. So, if you So, if So, if you stop smoking, that's fantastic. Yeah, maybe you should have stopped 5 years ago, but you didn't. And so, give yourself some grace cuz you did something really hard that is actually valuable for yourself and your family. I really think you got to treat yourself with with with grace and not obsess over doing something sooner. We You know, we we um a lot of us are like kind of risk-averse. And Daniel Kahneman, the great um uh Nobelist, um he has he has research basically distilling to this. Quitting at the right time always feels like quitting too early. That's just the way that it is. Quitting at the right time always feels like quitting too early. I think it's really helpful to hear that when it's time to quit, you're typically not going to feel ready. Exactly. Quitting at the right time always feels like quitting too early. So, if you say, "Oh, this is too early for me to quit." Oh, that might be a signal that's the right time. It's almost how we gain surety in the decision is by kind of knowing, okay, it's time, but you build up a little bit more friction and then just say, "Now it's time." >> Right. Right. >> Here's Here's how I kind of think about it if I'm trying to extend myself some grace. Is that when we look back on decisions that we've made and then we regret not making them sooner, we forget that we're looking back from our future self. Very good point. >> not have the information that we have as we're looking at the past. Like the what I know about myself and what I'm capable of as a 57-year-old woman is very different than what I knew about myself and the resources and understanding that I had when I was in my 20s, 30s, 40s. And it's not very fair to hold the 57-year-old version of me, who by the way is different because of the things I regret. >> Good point. And hold that knowledge over myself 20 years ago. >> Right. And so, when we scrutinize our past behavior, we have to think about that person, not this person today, but what did that What did What did What did that person know? >> One thing that that really strikes me is how many people talked about how they stayed in relationships too long or stayed in relationships with somebody that was disrespectful or abusive or treating them poorly. And when you are in a relationship where you're being disrespected or worse, abused. >> god, yeah. You don't feel safe. You don't have the perspective that you will be able to leave it, which explains why you hedge on the decision to do so at the time. And so I love that that that piece of this, Dan, to help relieve you of continuing to make yourself wrong for not being ready or able at the time that you now think you should have been. Absolutely right. >> Because of what you know now. And remember that's Yes, and remember regret requires agency. And >> What does that mean? Agency means you have control over what you do. Okay. Right? You know, I can't regret that it's raining outside. Like I can be disappointed if I want to go outside. I can't regret that cuz I don't know but but I don't have I don't have control over that. But if I go outside in the rain and don't bring my umbrella, I can regret that. And there are people in relationships out there who actually don't have agency. And so you can't beat yourself up for not making decisions when you didn't have the agency. It'd be like beating yourself up for it raining outside. So you have to scrutinize the person that you were at that time. Um and and treat that person, again, not better than anybody else, but not worse than anybody else. This is the thing that we This is the mistake that we make. We treat ourselves worse than we treat other people and we shouldn't do that. Let's talk about the big regret of worrying too much about what other people think. >> Oh, Lord have mercy. We have so many of those. >> Let's talk about that. Yeah. Um There are a lot of people who have those kinds of regrets and it is another case where our our view of the world is is distorted. I actually, when I was younger, actually cared what other people thought in a way that was probably not particularly healthy. And then, I actually discovered what people thought about me. And it was this. Nobody was thinking about me. >> [laughter] >> They were thinking about themselves. No one No one No one No one was thinking about me. And it's like Yeah, it's like it's like what's in in social colleges called the spotlight effect. We think that we're constantly in the spotlight. Everybody's watching us. And they're not. So, go do your thing. Mhm. Go do your thing. And the other thing, okay, here we go. I'll give you something else. I'll see you I'll see you and raise you. If they do care, there's a two-word answer. >> [laughter] >> Let them. What you can't control It's been very liberating to to create that theory and use it and recognize how much time and energy I've wasted and how much power I gave away to worrying about what other people were thinking and how that held me back from doing things that I wish I had done sooner. Absolutely. And it's true for most human beings who walk the planet, that it's true of. And if we can get people past that, people are going to act more boldly. They're going to speak up for things that they care about. Why do we regret the things we didn't do rather than the things we did? >> Hugely important question. And this is a big, big deal. We have There's a lot There's a lot of existing research on this. In the architecture of regret, there are two kinds of regrets. There are regrets of action and regrets of inaction. I regret something I did. I regret something I didn't do. Now, um what what you see over and over again is that with action regrets, I regret something I did. If only I had married um Fred instead of Ed, I would be much happier. All right? So, we say we say if if only. So, that's what's called in the literature and upward counterfactual. We think about how things could have been better. If >> the dating one. That's the Well, yeah, that's that's if if that's if I if only I had married if only I had married Fred instead of instead of instead of Ed. But with action regrets, we can do what's called a downward counterfactual. We imagine how things could have turned out worse. And there's some really super cool research on this. But here's what here's where it comes up in the database. Legions of people, all women. Sent saying sent saying, "I shouldn't have married that idiot, but at least I have these two great kids." Mhm. Downward counterfactual. There's a famous piece of research. I love it. They showed photographs of the three medalists on the Olympic medal stand in a number of different situations. Um but they didn't show what medal they got. And they asked people, based on their facial expressions, how happy are they? And so, not surprisingly, the happiest-looking people were the gold medalists. The second happiest people were the bronze medalists. Not the silver medalists. Right? Because the silver medalists were doing an upward counterfactual. "If only I had pedaled 4/10 of a second faster, I'd have the gold." The bronze medalists were doing a downward counterfactual. "At least I have a bronze, not like this schmo who's 4/10 of a second behind me, who's like doesn't get a medal at all." And so, for action regrets, we can at least them. So, I married the wrong person and I regret doing that, but at least >> I have these two great kids. All right? So, it's it makes us feel better. Doesn't make us necessarily do better, but it makes us feel better. With inaction regrets, we can't do that stuff. That's true, cuz then >> it. You didn't it. You can't undo something you didn't do. You know, it's metaphysically impossible. You can't do it. >> Let's say the person who's listening or watching right now is sitting on a big decision. Maybe it's about their career, maybe it's about the next big step in a relationship, maybe it's about a big move. >> Yeah. And they're stuck in that overthinking. Not quite sure what to do in terms of taking this risk or making this decision. What does your research suggest? Yeah. So, if you're if you're thinking about that, you're not sure what to do, you can have imagine having a conversation with someone who you haven't met yet, but who cares deeply about you. And that is the you of 10 years from now. So, 10 years from now, you're >> you're having the a conversation with the you of 2036. Okay. What does that person want you to do? It's pretty freaking clear to me what that what that person's going to want you to do, cuz that's what all the people in your list and all the people in my database want you to do. They want you to build a solid foundation for yourself and for your family. They want you to take that shot. They want you to do the right thing, and they want you to reach out. And it's pretty clear. And so, have that convers- You know what that person 10 years from now wants you to do. And you don't want to have the conversation where 10 years from now, you have to tell the you of 2036, "Hey, I wimped out." >> I blew it. >> I blew it. I chickened out. You don't want to have that conversation. I love that. Um let's move on to the final bucket of regrets that you found in your research. We We have talked about connection, foundation, boldness. The fourth one is moral. What is moral regret? >> a juncture in your life. You have two choices. You can You can take the high road. You can take the low road. And when you take the low road, when you do the wrong thing, most of us most of the time regret it. And in this category, it was a small category, but very very very deeply held. And this is sort of the kind of a the weird thing about this topic of regret is that the more you go into it at least for me the better I feel about human beings because what this suggests to us is that most of us are good. Most of us want to be good and most of us feel shitty when we're not good. I think that like 95% of 98% of us are good people who want to do the right thing. And when we don't do the right thing, we feel bad about that. 98% of people like want to do the right thing and feel bad with that's good. The those 2% mess things up for everybody else. Uh but um that's what so so more regrets are if only I'd done the right thing. And so if the person who's listening right now is feeling that weight, what's the first step to take in order to free themself of this burden that they've been carrying around? >> So one one thing as I as I as I've mentioned before is to treat yourself with with with kindness rather than contempt. Treat yourself with compassion. You are not the only person who has a moral regret. Every single human being has a moral regret. Um it doesn't mean that you're a shameful, terrible person. It means that you might have done a bad thing. And so it's also a kind of a moment in your life, a scene in your life rather than the full measure of your life. So there are different things that you can do. If you've hurt somebody, all right? If you have cheated somebody, if you have harmed somebody in a way, go make amends. How do you do that if the person isn't here? And you cannot forgive yourself, you play it over, you hold on to the regret about what happened. >> First of all, you can talk about your regret. And the other thing, especially as we get older, we can instruct other people who are younger how to live better than we did. So, let's talk about just how we deal with the regret we haven't dealt with. Let's go through the process based on this research. So, now that we know that we're dealing with whether it's a connection or foundation or boldness or a moral regret, let's look at your research and unpack for us then, how do we actually face a regret that we haven't dealt with yet? >> Okay. So, I look at it as three stages. Inward, outward, forward. >> Inward, outward, forward. >> Right. So, inward. Inward is what Inward is basically how you treat yourself. And as I've mentioned, the we know the way we talk to ourselves in the face of screw-ups is brutal and cruel. Um if you were to sort of implant in my head and like broadcast myself talk out there, if I would do that in a workplace, HR would be intervening immediately. >> you to the seventh floor of a Mass General Brigham right now. Right? He's like, he's nuts. Get him out of here. >> Get This is this is this is this is a madman, the way he's talking to other people. >> Yes. >> So, so so so don't do that, please. And And here's the thing, it's not only because it's not nice, because we have piles of evidence showing that that kind of uh horrifying, lacerating self-criticism doesn't improve your performance. What does improve your performance is self-compassion, which is treating yourself with kindness rather than contempt. Treating yourself the way you would treat a friend. And when And when we do that, okay? So, that's inward. Treat yourself with kindness rather than contempt. Recognize that regrets are part of the human experience, i.e. you're not that special. And um also, and this is I think super important, is that it's a moment in your life. It's not the full measure of your life. And so, when we do that, that opens the way to the second stage with the which is outward. And there's a very, very strong argument here for writing about and talking about our regrets. Why does writing about or talking about your regrets help you? It does a few things. First, it's an unburdening, because we're carrying something and you sort of say, "Oh, I got this heavy backpack on. Let me just put it on the table here." Okay, you're putting it on the table, right? So, but more important than that, and I think this is the really interesting thing. Um, there's a guy at the University of Texas, uh, Jamie Pennebaker, who's done a lot of research on this. If you write about a big regret you have for 15 minutes a day for 3 days, you feel better about it. It's less It's a >> Why do you think that works? Because what you're doing is you're taking something blobby, you're taking this like phantom that is like stalking you and you're saying, "Okay, come here. Sit down here. Let's see what you're really made of." Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Um, and and you're you're converting this blobby thing into concrete words and that helps you make sense of it. It makes it It makes it less menacing. We go from abstract to so much more concrete. >> So, we start with the inward, which is you got to shift your self-talk and one of the ways to really leverage this research is to say, "I'm not the only person who's done this." >> No way. >> And if I can really embrace that I did the best that I could at the time and I'm going to stop beating myself up, that the inward is how you talk to yourself. It's like dropping the sword against yourself. Outward is get it out of your head >> Exactly. and get it on paper or go talk to somebody about it be and that I love the exercise of just 3 days in a row for 15 minutes write about it and suddenly, based on the research, you're going to have this shift where you're like, "Well, okay, but what happens after you write about it?" >> Okay, this is the key. So, the third part is is forward. You got to You got to actually think hard and draw a lesson from it and say, "What does this What is this lesson telling me and what should I do next?" There's some interesting research about self-talk where we're actually more clear-headed when we talk to ourselves in the third person. It's crazy as crazy as it sounds. So, instead of instead of me saying, "What should I do? What should Dan do?" Oh, so use your own name. Yeah, use your own name, right. >> Now, what should you do? Right. And so, but >> Wait, if you should reach out if you're thinking about it. >> but also it also but it but on the lesson it's like, "Okay, what lesson is this teaching Mel?" What lesson is it teaching Mel? All right? And explain it in a sentence. And in most cases people in most cases people know because none of this is I don't think any of this is is super complex. Okay, what should Mel do next? So, what is this in a sentence, what is this teaching Mel, Jose, Fred, Maria, whoever, all right? So, use your name in it. Use use your name. What lesson is this teaching fill in the blank? Okay, what should fill in the blank do next? Okay, so let's go back to I don't know, give me any kind of give me any give me any kind of regret. I am just flipping through a hundred plus pages. Marrying the man who left me and my kids in a terrible divorce. Mm, okay. >> Okay. >> you a couple more. Living with so many limitations. Waiting for a better time to call my best friend, she passed away. >> Duh. I regret living away from my parents and siblings. Not trusting myself. Not taking my small children to see my parents more. Uh, fell in love with a married man, thought he'd leave his wife. Uh, regret not working harder in my 20s. I'm reading through all of these regrets. >> just so so let's >> Pick any one, Dan. >> Okay, so let's take >> all know they're not unique and you're not special and you're not the only idiot. >> let's take the um I didn't call my friend then they passed away. Yeah, and here's Yeah, that's absolutely. There's that one. Letting my best friend and I drift apart. >> Okay, here we go. So, let's take that one. That's an easy one, all right? Um >> I love that. And Dan's like, "That's an easy one." You've been torturing yourself for a decade, but that's an easy one. >> They're all they're all they're all relatively they're all they're not easy. >> They're simple. They're they're simple. And here's the thing, it's much easier for me to look at it from the outside than it is for the person who's who's inhabiting that body and soul and heart to see that. And so, one of the things you want to do is you want to kind of get outside of yourself. This is why this is why the you know, the way we talk to ourselves is is incredibly important. If somebody comes to me saying, "Dan, I need advice. I don't know what I should do." I say, "Well, what would you tell your friend to do in that situation?" You would tell your friend another friend. Pick up the phone, send a text, send an email. Well, you know, every time I go to a funeral, when somebody dies unexpectedly or they die young, I sit at their celebration of life service and I think about how I wish I would have stayed in closer contact. I think about how I wish I would have reached out more and it was attending a number of funerals that made me start this habit where I just have a habit of texting a friend every day. Just randomly. >> A great It's I mean, I think that is a I think that is a great strategy. Now, here's the thing. I think it's great for your friends. I think it's great for you. Of course it is, because I feel like even though I can't reach out to everybody every single day and I can't I'm not the greatest in getting back on text right away, but I feel like I'm the kind of person who makes a effort to proactively reach out because connection and friendship matters to me. >> Well, have you always done that? No, I've let work and I've let worries and I've let feelings of being like a bad person or beliefs that people maybe don't like me or whatever else keep me from doing that or I've let >> What allowed you to push past it? Sitting at funerals. There you go. >> And feeling like I wish I would have reached out more or like sitting, you know, even even things Dan like and and it's weird because I don't know that I regret it. I may Actually, here's what I'm going to say. I don't regret it now because I've moved through it. So, when my career really began, it was beginning kind of like a phoenix rising from the ashes of financial distress. I often joke that I'm not positively motivated. I need a negative motivation. Like it's pretty amazing how talented you can be when you got problems to solve like paying your bills. And putting food on the table. >> Necessity is a mother. >> Yes, it is. I worked and worked and worked and worked and worked and worked and worked because my highest value was safety and security. And I basically missed out on our daughter's middle school and high school. And at the time I regretted and at the time it was painful to see how much I was missing out on and all the games that I missed. But I've really looked at that period of my life and said to myself, yes and I am so glad I put my head down and got us out of debt and I did what I needed to do. And knowing what the situation was I could have made a different choice, but that would have come with different consequences. And so I can see it fully which relieved me of the burden. And so I used to make myself wrong for having quote let friendships go or not quote being a good friend or not keeping up with friends, but I just look through the last two decades of my life as well you had a lot going on. >> Yeah. And it wasn't your top priority and that's okay. But now you realize that this actually really matters to you and so you got to figure out woman how to insert this in small ways because this is a core value of yours. >> your relationship with that daughter now? My daughter's fantastic. It was good then because dad was staying at home. And so they have a amazing relationship with both of us, but I just felt like I was missing out and I had resentment around it and I felt like I couldn't be everywhere at once. And so I sort of regretted how much I was working. >> you You that way? Why? Cuz you couldn't be everywhere at once. It's that simple. And so, you apply the lesson going forward. And so, now that I'm in a different part of my life, I can and I actually have the the freedom, the bandwidth, the the wherewithal to reach out. You're you you you have to you have to do that. >> You know, Dan, I would just love for you to talk to the person who's listening or watching right now. And if they're thinking of somebody that they care deeply about who is really struggling with regret, what do you want them to do or know? I want you to convey to the person who is struggling with regret that number one, they're not alone. That this is one of the most common experiences that human beings have. And it's telling you something important. And if you just listen to it, you're going to be better off. Uh that it's not something that can bring you down. That when you do it right, it's something that can lift you up. Well, what I love about the fact that you made time to come here today is that one thing you can do is share this conversation with them and let Dan get through to them. Sure. >> With the research. Because I think, you know, it it's one of those things that you sit with alone, but when you hear the research and these frameworks you immediately feel a little lighter. Because here's the thing. No one's taught us this. This is the thing. Somehow we've been taught the idea that you as I said, you should be positive all the time and never be negative and always look forward and never look back. And that's bad advice. That's bad advice. What you should be doing is saying regret is part of the human experience. It's a signal. It's a knock at the door. Answer the door. See what it has to tell you. And in the systematic way, approach it, draw a lesson from it, and you're going to be better off. You're going to find more meaning in life. You're going to be happier in life. And for a lot of stuff on the job, you're going to perform better on the job, too. Whether that job is being a parent Whatever the job is. >> or being married. I don't know if you can do this cuz you poured so much into us today and taught us so much. But if you had to distill everything down about all this this research on regret, Dan Pink, what do you think the single most important takeaway is for the person listening? Regret makes us human, and regret makes us better. Dan Pink, what are your parting words? I thought those are pretty good parting words, [laughter] you know? I was ready to I mean, if this is a handheld mic, I would have dropped it. The parting words are regret is part of the human experience. It's one of the things that makes us human. Everybody has regret, and you have a choice. You can ignore your regrets, or you can wallow in your regrets, or you can confront your regrets. And when we do that in a kind way toward ourselves, it makes us better. We get more out of life. We deepen our relationships. We find a greater sense of meaning, and we don't waste our precious time on this planet. Dan Pink, thank you for all the work you're doing. Thank you for this research. Thank you for making the time to come to Boston. >> pleasure to come to Boston. It was >> And come here and talk to you. >> Well, thank you. And here's what I appreciate about you. I appreciate that you took a topic that most of us don't know how to talk about, that is universal, and you didn't just come in and tell us about it. You gave us a framework to better understand this universal human experience, to put our regrets in these four buckets of boldness, foundation, moral connection, and then based on understanding what we're dealing with, you gave us very specific tools based on the research to set ourselves free from the prison that we put ourselves in. And on behalf of the person that's listening, on behalf of everybody that they will share this with, I want to thank you for the gift of all these tools, and for giving us a way to think about, process, and move through one of the most common and universal experiences that we will have as human beings. Thank you. It's been a joy. Thank you. You're welcome. And thank you. It has been a joy to be here with you. I'm so excited for you and I'm excited for everybody that you share this extraordinary conversation research with. I mean, just imagine how incredible it's going to feel to relieve yourself of the burden of carrying these regrets and instead use the research you just learned about to learn from them, to create a better future, to continue becoming the kind of person that you really want to become. I loved this. I loved being here with you and one more thing. In case nobody else tells you this today, as your friend, I would regret not telling you this. I want you to know that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And one of the reasons why you we just had to talk about this extraordinary research is because everything that we learned today, using regret as a teacher, as a signal to help us make changes that will make our lives better, that is how you create a better life. All righty, I will see you in the very next episode. I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play. All righty, thank you for watching all the way to the end here on YouTube. I loved this. I loved everything that Daniel Pink [music] taught us. I loved that you're generous with this and you are sharing this with people that you care about. This episode is a gift [music] that you can give to people and I know they're going to thank you for it. So, thank you for sharing this. And one more thing, if that subscribe button is lit up, I would really regret if I didn't ask you this. My goal here is that 50% of the people that watch are subscribers of this YouTube channel and right now only 58% of people who watch are subscribers. So, do me a favor. If you love the Mel Robbins podcast, if you love this conversation, [music] hit subscribe. It's the best way that you can say, "Hey Mel, thanks a lot. Hey team Mel Robbins, thank you. And Daniel Pink, thank you for that. That's going to help me so much. 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