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[Music] Connie, you should be pretty proud. After one full day's events with men who in some cases are twice your age, you're in 15th place. >> Oh, look on the bright side. Daddy, you are the 15th best elderly athlete in the entire Chicago area. >> Yeah, Dad. We're all proud the way you nailed that cat. >> I took him on pretty good, didn't I? >> You sure did, killer. Why don't we cut the charade, Dad? You know, we don't ask for much. Just this once. Why don't you dig down deep and show us the man you really are? Make us proud, big guy. Quit. >> You'll always have the cat. >> Yeah, I guess I can't top that. All right, I quit. Can't beat those guys anyway. They got the edge on me. Most of their wives are dead. >> You know, Peg, if you love me, you'd be dead already, too. >> Yeah. If >> all right, but understand this. I was a cinch to win that thing. >> We know you were dead. >> Yeah, Dad. You can do anything. >> I made another joke. Aw, Al, you could really use some encouragement, couldn't you? >> Yes, Peg, I could. >> Good night, honey. It didn't always used to be like this. >> All right, boys. We're down three touchdowns. We don't have a chance, so let's quit. >> Quit. Sorry, coach, but I'm taking over now. Okay, you guys, you give me the ball and get out of my way. Al Bundy doesn't quit. >> Pig, wake up. >> Oh no. Al, are you reliving when you slapped the coach and took over the team? >> Hey, shut up. >> Kids, get in here. I have made a decision. I am going back to the competition tomorrow and I want you there and I want you cheering and this time I want you cheering for me. Al Bundy is not a quitter. >> Now get out. No, not you. This used to be my event, too, baby. [Applause] Well, kids, he proved it to me last night, and I want the whole world to know your father is a quitter. [Applause] Of course, he thinks he did good. Probably because I screamed Al when he jabbed his elbow into my eye. [Applause] [Applause] Wow. [Applause] How am I doing? >> Oh, honey, I can't believe it. You're in second place. Now, there's one more event. The 1500 meter race. Win that and you take it all. Al, we are so proud of you. You're beating all the old men. >> Beating them? I'm killing them. Well, it looks like it's going to be a duel between you and me. It's going to be rough. I'm a long distance man, but I'm going to win this event and take that gold. Means a lot to me. So much I actually considered competing before I was 65 just to get an itch. Pathetic, huh? Well, what kind of an example would that be for the grandkids? So, I train for a whole year, and I'm going to win it fair and square. >> Good luck, honey. You're going to need it against that guy. >> Do you think so? Sure. He does a lot of running, but stamina is my strong point. [Applause] >> Well, no, not with you. With you, stamina is a bad thing. It prolongs the agony. >> Hi, Daddy. You know you're twice as talented as Michael Jackson because he only uses one hand. >> That's great. Now, I won't fall asleep again. Well, I guess I'll try what I learned from my dad when I was a kid. Counting Hooters. [Applause] Two. Four. Six. Eight. Oh, no. Wait. It's twins. >> 12. 14. [Applause] >> Are you going to come inside? >> No. >> Oh, I get it. You want me right here, right now, on the floor. Hell no. >> Well, why'd you walk me to my door then? >> Because it was the only way to get you out of my car. [Applause] >> Uh, Dad, did did you see that? >> No. >> Did you see this? >> No. >> Good. Good night, son. >> Good night, son. Son, >> always remember you've got two hands. >> Thanks, Dad. I'll be needing them. >> Yeah, kids are great. They bring you so much pleasure. That's why a man should always have a dog. Buck boy, bring me my slippers, boy. Ah, that's all right, boy. You don't owe me anything. Just your worthless stinking one step away from being gassed in the dog pound life. All right, back to Hooters. 30 32 34 33 Yeah. [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] All right, pig. >> Hey. Hey, hey, hey, >> hey, hey, hey. You're not my wife. What are you doing with my TV? >> Nothing as bad as you're doing with my butt. >> Now, don't look for trouble, mister. Just shut up and sit down. This stuff ain't worth losing your life over. >> Hey, this is my house. I don't let the bank in here and they own the place. >> Don't you take another step. >> Sick, boy. [Laughter] Why don't you try to be as smart as your dog, buddy? >> I've tried. It doesn't work. [Applause] And this is a really remarkable story about a totally unremarkable man. A ruthless intruder broke into his shabby home in search of loot, but instead found one brave shoe salesman who for all of us finally said no more. And that man is Al the Defender Bundy. [Applause] Heat. [Music] [Applause] Heat.