How to be confident (even if you’re not) | Montana von Fliss | TEDxBellevueWomen

Transcriber: Cristina Muñoz

Reviewer: Raúl Higareda Picture this, you’re going on a boat trip, and you get on board with your family,

and you got your bags, and the captain comes out

to greet you and says, “Hi, Um... My name is

Montana... Von Fliss. Uh, so... I’ll be your captain

for this journey... (Exhales) So, uh... (Laughter) Oh, boy... Let’s just have

a great trip. Sorry.” (Laughter) Nope. Get me off of this boat. (Laughter) What we want in that moment

is for the captain to walk out and say, “Hi, my name is Montana Von Fleiss,

I’ll be your captain for this journey. Let’s have a great trip.” The point is, when you are the speaker,

you are the captain for that journey, and how you show up really matters. For the last 17 years, I’ve coached thousands

of speakers all over the world, from big tech companies to small startups, and everyone, from new hires

to CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, want to know,

how do you show up and look confident? So I’d like to share my top five tips

for how to be confident, even if you’re not. So let's break it down. What was the difference

between those two captains? What did you see? What did you hear? And not just, “One seemed nervous,

one seemed confident.” But what was I doing differently

to make you think that? Different volume, different words,

certainly different body language. But the truth is,

I wasn’t feeling particularly confident. I was just making certain physical

and vocal choices to make you think that. You can do that too. Anyone can do this. So, what are those

confident-looking choices? Number one. Turn up the energy and speak up. When you speak up,

even just a little bit, it reads as confident,

and you don’t have to shout. Think about it this way.

On a scale of 1 to 10, aim for a 5. Yes, it goes to 11, (Laughter) but you can just aim for a five.

I’m here at a five right now. I can bring it back down to a three here.

Nervous captain was here. And we bring it back up to a five, and it sounds prepared,

positive, and confident. So turn up the energy and speak up. Number two. Pause... like a boss. (Laughter) Nervous speakers

tend to talk really fast, right? And when they do have a pause, they fill it in

with verbal filler, likes and ums. However, if you try to speak more slowly,

it just sounds like this, right? And that's not better. So instead, make strategic pauses. Pause in transition. Pause for emphasis. Pause... like a boss. (Laughter) Number three. Superhero stance. Imagine you are a superhero.

You can do it from your chair. How would a superhero sit? Yes. Let that change

your posture. I see you. Yes. Let that bring a smile to your face

and have some better eye contact. All of that reads as confident, and pretending to be a superhero

is just a super quick way to have confident-looking body language. Now, this one also goes to 11. (Laughter) But you can just aim for a five,

and that will be great. Tuck in that cape and go save the day. And you can stand in superhero backstage

to boost your confidence, but I’m saying

bring that superhero stance on stage so that your audience

sees you as confident. And if you need an easy shortcut,

just make the shape. Just make the shape of a confident person. The audience cannot read your mind. They don’t know how you’re feeling, so just make the shape

and they will go with it. Like, if you came over

to my house for dinner and I opened up the door

and I was like, “Hi, come on in, we’re having chicken.” (Laughter) You’d be like, “Oh, is this a bad time?” (Laughter) You know, you’ve got to make

the shape of a good host. Make the smile shape, right? Instead of crossed arm shape, open up. “Hi, welcome. Come on in.” If you’re not sure if you’re making

confident-looking choices, you can just video yourself

and watch it back. I feel like I just saw you say,

“Um, not doing that one.” (Laughter) I know most people don’t like

to watch themselves, I get it. But wouldn’t you rather... make that adjustment

before you’re in front of your audience? Yes. Videoing yourself is

a great way to check in to see that you’re doing the techniques, but also to see

that it’s still authentically you, your version of confident captain. Now, how can you do

all of these things on performance day? Number four. Practice with purpose. So, make yourself a rehearsal schedule. Put it in your calendar. You can give yourself a little treat

when you do a run through. And make it practice with purpose

by giving yourself a specific goal or layering in one new

confident captain technique each day. If it’s a week before your event, aim to run it all the way through

at least once a day. If you have no time for a run through,

just take the opening and closing, and run that three times

in a row from anywhere. When you’re in the shower,

when you’re walking your dog, when you’re making a meal for your kids. I know my kids are very used to me walking

around the house talking to myself. Whatever you need to do

to get in those repetitions. And don’t be afraid of over practice. Don't let that stop you. You can just let go of your verbatim

script if it’s starting to sound robotic. And you can still use

bullet point speaker notes to remind yourself

of what you would like to say and to invite you to say it a little bit

differently each time to keep it fresh. And let me be clear, by practice, I mean

standing up, saying it out loud, imagining your audience

and inviting them in, clicking through your slides, doing it as much

like it will be on the day, whether it’s virtual or in person. And I know it might feel a little funny

saying it out loud to yourself, but think about

when you learn a new sport, or when you practice

a musical instrument. If you had a piano concert on Friday,

and you got new music on Monday, would you only read your music every day and then play it for the very first time

at the concert on Friday? No way. And yet,

I see speakers do this all the time. Give yourself a chance. Practice helps everything. And it can really boost your confidence

to practice with purpose by layering in

one new technique each day. Okay, those first four techniques,

they’re all about how to appear confident, regardless of how you’re feeling. I’ve got one more technique for you,

and it’s a big one. But this is the real gem. It's the one that makes

all the others shine. This is number five, the silent sentence. This is about

what you choose to tell yourself. I’ve been a professional actor

since I was a kid, and I have always loved

going on stage as an actor, as a speaker, as an emcee. And, at the same time,

I have often been not just nervous, sometimes downright terrified

to step on a stage. I’m shaking, I’m sweating, and I’m like, “What was I thinking?

Why do I do this to myself?” And all these unhelpful voices flood in. And I just tried to make it stop,

push it away. And of course that never worked. And I kept going on stage

because I love it. And years later,

when I became a speaker coach, I got asked to do

all these professional presentations, and they went well, but I still had no way to deal

with that massive anxiety. And I was like, “What can I do?” And I thought, “Well,

what am I telling myself?” “What if you mess up?

You better be perfect.” I realized I was giving myself

an impossible instruction to be perfect. And that really was not working. But what would work?

What would be a better message? And to figure that out,

I had to go back to square one. Like, what do I want? Why did I say yes to this speaking gig? What is my deeper purpose here? And I realized at the heart of it, I just want to help my audience

to the best of my ability. And when I said that,

I noticed everything change. And that's where I found

my first silent sentence. I want to help my audience

to the best of my ability. When I said it, even silently to myself,

it acted like this override switch. Like I might still be

shaking and sweating, but now I have this higher goal,

this deeper purpose, and everything aligned to that. And that became my highest priority. I want to help you. And now, that thought

replaced those unhelpful thoughts and everything went better

in my performance. And I was like, “Yes, it worked. Yay!” And then I was like, “Wait,

how do I do this every time? Especially when the stakes are high.” And it dawned on me, if I’m writing and crafting

the words I say out loud, why not write and craft

the words I say silently to myself? Put it in the script.

It’s the silent part of the script. So now, every time I rehearse, every time I walk onto a stage, every time I join a virtual meeting, I say the following,

new and evolved silent sentence, “I invite you to be here with me

while I am here with you so that I can make this easier for you.” Now, that invitation

to myself to be present, that’s my definition of stage presence, being present. And that invitation to the audience

to be my partner, that reminds me,

these are friends, not foes. And I am choosing to be here. And now I’m not just making

the shape of a good host. I really am a good host because

I am genuinely welcoming you to my world. Now, how do you go about

finding your silent sentence? What do you want? What's your deeper purpose? You could be like me,

and you might just want to help people. Or it could be something more specific. For example, you might want

at least one person in your audience to walk out and take a CPR class. Or maybe you’re just super excited

to have this experience or share with them some cool solution

you have for their problem. You get to fill in the blank

and decide what you want to accomplish. And this is not about graduating

to some higher level of being where you never again feel nervous. Yeah, I know I haven't. I was feeling it pretty big

about 15 minutes ago (Laughter) while getting ready

to walk on this stage. And I am, and probably always will be

a recovering perfectionist. That is a well-worn pathway in my brain. It is there, it exists,

it cannot be erased. But now I have this other pathway. And when big moments

like this come up, I get to choose. And that's what I was doing

back there in the wings. I was choosing to gently insist

on repeating my silent sentence to set myself up for success. What we tell ourselves really matters. We follow

our own instructions all day long. Our whole selves are always listening. So when you notice

something isn’t going well, or you’re fearing something

might not go well in the future, use this checklist. What am I telling myself? What's being broadcast? Then replace that with a better sentence to help set you up

for where you’d like to go. And most importantly,

put it in the script and practice it. Practice it just as much

as the words you say out loud. So if you’re running your intro

in the shower three times in a row, it would go silent bit, out loud bit,

silent, out loud, silent, out loud, until it is inextricably linked and it is just a part of your process, and it is repeatable and reliable. And then it’s just there

for you when you need it. Now, I want to leave you

with this final thought. When you’re at home and you’re practicing

some of these techniques, like turn up the energy and speak up, pause like a boss, superhero stance, practice with purpose,

and your silent sentence, please know that it might feel

uncomfortable at first because it’s new and that is normal. But think back to when I was demonstrating

the nervous captain at the top. How did that make you feel? And then when the confident captain

came out, “Oh, what a relief. Now I can just sit back

and enjoy the ride.” Remember that feeling of safety

you had as an audience member and bring that into

your next rehearsal. You can give that gift to your audience. Reach outside your comfort zone

to make your audience feel safe by making the choices

of a confident captain. And who knows? You might even have fun. Have a great trip. (Cheers and applause)