جلسات #مع_نفسي 27 ... قبول الضعف – كيف أقبل ضعفي؟ ولماذا؟ ولكني أخشى التقاعس واليأس إذا قبلت ضعفي؟

Dr Abdul Rahman: Hello. The Host: Hello. Dr Abdul Rahman: What was the last thing we discussed? The Host: Previously, we discussed about reading myself

the specific reading, after which there was a question at the end,

that we could not ask.. Dr Abdul Rahman: Which is? The Host: Which is: I read myself but discovered it has

many problems and complications! Dr Abdul Rahman: Yes. The Host: What is the next step? Dr Abdul Rahman: Alright, first thing

-and this will take us back to general reading- is that you understand you are not a god,

did we not say that? and you are not a god then it is expected

that when I dive internally, what will I find? Complications Remember when we said that the self

is composed of a body and a soul? The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: Alright, we come to the body,

this skin in front of you, if you were to remove it, will the view

beneath it be acceptable to you? The Host: Of course not. Dr Abdul Rahman: What are horror movies based on?

Based on removing the skin only, and you see an unpleasant thing underneath,

alright, when a person is afflicted -Allah forbid- with burns,

the look of him would be ugly, why? Because it shows something internal that

we do not want to see, Allah is covering us with this skin,

and such is with the soul, we have things internally

that if we were to actually observe, we would see unpleasant things,

that’s our nature We are not gods!

We are humans. This will take me to an important topic

which I think is a term we repeated -Allah knows- more than one time till now

which is: “Accepting Weakness” To accept that I am a creation

and therefore not perfect, I am not perfect, not a god, not an angel. Meaning that when I read myself,

I found that I have weaknesses, I found that I have -for example-

a weakness in this aspect, a certain desire that I couldn’t control,

a certain sin, shortcoming in a certain aspect. The danger lies in not accepting these weaknesses! Alright, in the case of not accepting my weakness,

What will happen? I will fall into a calamity

which is hating myself, and praying that

“may Allah burn this self let me start afresh to remain a pure sinless angel” Then I do another mistake,

and hate myself again, then I wish somewhat unrealistically

that I go back to how it was- The Host: and after that he will develop depression

which eventually leads to suicide! Dr Abdul Rahman: Of course! And I reject myself

and compare myself to others and what not. One of the things that I remember we talked about:

one of the harmful inputs in this situation, "Anime”, Japanese cartoons, Korean shows,

Manga, the unrealistic ideas of Hollywood movies and shows that make me hate my reality

and even hate looking in the mirror! Even though I am the real one,

and the other picture is the illusion. So what is required from me?

To accept my weakness It is natural for someone to ask:

What does it mean to accept weakness? What does it mean to accept my weakness?

Does it mean that, by accepting my weakness, then I am content with this weakness?

Acceptance is the antonym of rejection! Linguistically, acceptance is the antonym of rejection, and the phrase “accepting my weakness” means to acknowledge that this self has a weakness

and so I hold its hand and help direct it. Whereas in the case I reject myself from the start,

How will I help myself? How will I hold my hand? To summarise it is required to accept

this weakness as a reality. I don’t own another self!

Am I going to buy a “Self” from the store for example? Can I get another “Self”?

I only have this one! Meaning that I accept it for what it is.

I nourish my strengths, and discipline my weaknesses That is what makes you human.

Remember when we said: “Your Perfection lies in your imperfection”? The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: This means that part of your perfection

is to always strive to improve your imperfections. The question that often arises:

If I were to accept my weakness, does it insinuate that I should accept

my weakness as is and not purify it? No,

which is why I tell people, If you wanted to accept your weakness,

there are 2 things you need to always remember First: You are the best creation. The Host: Best creation. Dr Abdul Rahman: Best form,

{We have certainly created man in the best of stature} (95:4) What’s the meaning of “Best stature”? A fit body? Of course not! Then what about those born with

a hole in their heart or amputees or what not? Are they not in the best form?

What do the following verses say? {We have certainly created man in the best of stature;

Then We return him to the lowest of the low} The Host: {to the lowest of the low ˹in Hell˺} Dr Abdul Rahman: {Except for those who believe

and do righteous deeds…} (95:4-6) Which means that the best stature

applies to those who believe and do good. That is the best stature.

It’s not having a doll like appearance, it’s not about being fit and slim,

or looking like a Hollywood actor or a hero in a movie. It is not about having

blue or green eyes, no! Best form is not about becoming

one of those that dress extravagantly That is not it! Best stature is to be from those

who believe and do good. We mentioned bringing up 2 things:

That we are in the best stature, but it is also possible that I am lacking

in certain things that others will make up for. How? Some people want to be

perfect in all aspects, If you were perfect in everything,

what would you need others for? The Host: Nothing, you won’t need them Dr Abdul Rahman: If you were perfect, would you

be sitting in front of me? No! If I were perfect would I need someone

to help me complete my role in this life? Of course not! Which means that I am lacking

and you complete me, and you’re lacking and I complete you.

and that is something I say to my patients in order to shatter the arrogance

and pride in them, Some of them would seem like

they’re saying "What brought me here” I say to them immediately: "Look, Allah has utilised me for you and

He utilised you for me” So the aspect “Utilised me for you” The Host: Allah said so [in the Quran]. Dr Abdul Rahman: Exactly, we are utilised for each other.

So first to understand accepting weakness: I should learn 2 things:

that I am in best stature and that there are others

who could make up for my imperfections and that's why there are Quranic verses and

hadiths that I recommend everyone to take as a package -and to Allah belongs the best attributes-

in order to understand accepting weakness First: {We have certainly created man in the best of stature} Second: {We have honoured the children of Adam} (17:70) Third: You are in the best of stature and blessed, but! {Allah does not charge a soul except

[with that within] its capacity} (2:286) Because when we take in more than we can handle

and mess up… then we can’t stand ourselves nor accept it, but this is your problem!

Allah did not order you to do all this!! The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: Four: {...Allah does not charge a soul except

[according to] what He has given it....} (65:7) which means you were given, you just have to learn what

you were given so you can utilise it. Five: {He has succeeded who purifies it} (91:9)

So that you don’t say: “Dr. said ‘Accepting weakness’” Yes!

But there is purification You accept your weakness

and seek to improve this weakness, whereas you cannot say “Because I am weak

and Allah created me weak then I should stay weak”

Of course not! That is unacceptable! Other than that, remember:

“if you had not sinned Allah would have removed you

and brought a people who sin, then ask Allah’s pardon

and are forgiven." Meaning that it’s instilled within you

the tendency to make mistakes! “Acts of everyone will be facilitated

in that which has been created for him” Someone will do something,

and you will do another thing. Here I am going to quote an individual

whom some disagree with, that is Sayyid Qutb, there is a booklet that I would

recommend everyone to read by the name (Joys of the Spirit), he mentions

something very beautiful and he says: "I no longer fear death

even if it comes unexpected, I have taken much from this life,

meaning that I have given”, Observe the meaning, “I have taken much from this life,

meaning that I have given” "I do not mean in the sense that

someone gave me something, but my joy from what I gave was not less

than the joy of those that were given”, Of course he explains it with another word,

and says: “Sometimes it is difficult to differentiate

between giving and receiving, because they mean the same thing

in the spiritual world”, In the materialistic world, if I were

to hand you something and you took it, in the materialistic world, you have to

replace the thing you took away from me! The Host: Correct. Dr Abdul Rahman: But in the spiritual world,

extending my hand out to you, regardless of whether you took it or not,

thanked me or not, cursed me simply by extending my hand,

in the spiritual world I get rewarded for it. The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: Let’s continue and see what he said.

Look at the amount of self-acceptance: “I no longer fear death,

even if it comes unexpected there are so many things I want to

accomplish in life if I get more time, but I will have no regrets if I couldn't do them”

Look at the degree of self-acceptance: "Others will accomplish it,

it won’t die if it is worthy of living because Him [Allah] Who cares

for this world won’t let a good idea die” How can the self-acceptance of a man

like this ever be scratched? A man that accepts himself to this degree..

He finishes off by saying: "I no longer fear death

even if it comes this very moment, I have done what I was able to do. I regret my mistakes

and leave them in the hands of Allah” The pinnacle of self-acceptance,

this is the response! This is the response to people who say:

“Accepting weakness entails not working” The person who said those words

left behind writings, and all this heritage, etc. He was imprisoned in a 1.5 m2 cell

and produced the book (In the Shade of the Qur'an) So the son of Adam has no excuse.

Ibn-Tayyimah was imprisoned in Citadel of Damascus and produced (The Collection of Fatwas)

and so many others. It’s not correct to claim that accepting your weakness

means to be complacent with it and not purify it! The Host: So accepting weakness does not mean

approving of it! Dr Abdul Rahman: No it doesn't mean I approve of my weakness,

but that I understand myself, and that this is of its nature

and I have to accept it as it is. The Host: Is it possible that accepting my weakness

will cause me some sort of despair? Dr Abdul Rahman: Alright. The Host: I would despair because I am a weak individual. Dr Abdul Rahman: This is correct only in one case:

When you take your standards from others. But when you take your standards

from the One Who calls you “The Best stature” The Host: What would be the difference? Dr Abdul Rahman: The One Who created you says

that He accepts you as you are “Come to Me as you are” that is why I say to those

who follow the illusion of perfection that want everything to be perfect

I tell them this: Come to the doorsteps of His mercy

and wallow in your imperfections. Our Lord tells you: just come as you are,

I will accept you as you are. We are the problem, there are some of us

who have this invisible arrogance “No, I don’t want to come to you like others,

I want to come to you with my deeds The forgiveness committee

is for the ignorant and sinful, but I have to come to you flawless”

No dear, even if you go to Him with the best of deeds

you will still need His mercy. The Host: Okay, what stops a person

from accepting their weakness? Dr Abdul Rahman: More than one thing.

[First] the way they were raised. The Host: How? Dr Abdul Rahman: “Come here son, what did you get

on your test today? “49 out of 50”

“49 out of 50!! You loser!” “Be grateful mom, I got 49 out of 50!” The sort of parenting that makes people

accept nothing but perfection. A lot of parents fall into this trap.

Their words don’t match their intentions. “It’s okay dear, it’s not a big deal, you did well” “How did I do well?” “From the look on your face

I can tell you hate me today” So first, parents who reject weakness. [Second] Constantly drawing comparisons

to fictional stories. Unfortunately some modern preachers

and the stories of Steve Jobs, Bill Gates and others. This talk calls for perfectionism,

and we don’t know the real side of these individuals and how their life was filled with weak moments. From the things that encourage the illusion of perfection

is -unfortunately- exceptional anecdotes “So and so used to perform Qiyam

with one Rak’a all night and would recite the entire Quran!” Go easy on us!

We have youngsters that barely perform Salah or maintain reading Qur’an daily,

and perform one Rak’ah of Witr so mentioning these stories can make them

fall into the illusion of perfection so they can no longer see- Once a youngster came to me saying:

“Doctor, I am not a good person” - Why?

- I am unable to complete my daily Wird (portion of Qur’an reading) - How long is it?

- One Juz’ (20 pages) I said “Why son?

One page is good and a blessing.” - No! Is that possible Doctor?

- Yes it’s possible, what’s the problem? It’s better to recite one page everyday

than to burden yourself by reciting 20 pages one day and spend

the next three days without reading “Consistent even if it’s small” The Host: Doesn’t this call for people

to be lazy and complacent? Dr Abdul Rahman: “Consistent even if it’s small”

We said “consistent even if it’s small” And by the way there is a popular phrase

that has the same meaning of this Hadith: Westerners say: It's easy to get an A

but it's very difficult to keep at A It’s easy to obtain a high result,

but it’s difficult to maintain it. We have this, “all or none” thinking Either I recite the entire Quran

and finish it in one day or I won’t recite anything the next days

“Consistent even if it’s small” The Host: Alright, doctor we mentioned the term

“Illusion of perfection” [perfectionism] several times Dr Abdul Rahman: Yes.

The Host: What does it mean? Dr Abdul Rahman:The illusion of perfection is to have

this illusion that I am a perfect human being that commits no mistakes

I don’t stumble, and I don’t show any signs

of needing other people and I have a certain degree

of invisible arrogance I don’t need anyone

I am “Superman” This is the illusion of perfection I saw a lot of people procrastinating their work,

don’t publish their book, don’t show up in a TV show,

because he wants everything to always be perfect and he procrastinated so much that in the end

he doesn’t produce anything As someone once said:

“Whenever I want to publish this book I would say perhaps it will be better in the morning

and I knew this way it will never be revealed to people” Then when he finally published his book

it became a reference book The Host: Is rejecting your weakness considered

a form of arrogance? Dr Abdul Rahman: Of course,

because when I don’t accept my weakness it’s as if I am saying:

“I am not the one who needs others” What is the definition of arrogance?

Disclaiming truth and despising people I see that I don’t need anyone else. There was an incident with me and my wife

when we were coming back from the states We were leaving the country so we

were trying to donate everything I told me wife: “Let’s give away all of it

to the Islamic Centre nearby” She said: “How about we keep the high chair

and the car seat for our daughters?” I said: “No, we can find it back home.”

So I wrote on Facebook - back when I had a page- “Guys, we are coming back [to Jordan],

if anyone has any items they want give away” My wife said: “What are you doing?”

I said: ”What happened?” She said: “You are asking people

to give away their unwanted items to us?!” I said: “Yes, what’s wrong with that?”

She said: “Abdul Rahman! What will people say? Two doctors asking for second hand items?”

I told her: “YES! What is wrong with that? “Is it because of our status?

What happened to recycling and minimalism, etc?” May Allah grant her good...

I warned her about invisible arrogance, As soon as I said the term

May Allah grant her good, She asked me to keep writing.

I wrote the post and the next day after we landed we had 4 high chairs and 4 car seats

Those who brought it said: Thank you Doctor for asking,

we had them new, still wrapped and unused. And do you know what happened

because of this idea? A volunteer group started a recycling campaign

and people are still giving away their items. What happened?

Because I broke that invisible arrogance inside me; and I don’t have any issue

with using a second hand item- Do I have a financial issue

that prevents me & my wife from buying these items brand new?

Of course not. But I don’t have any issue to use something

that was used by someone else. This is only a part of invisible arrogance! The Host: Alright, now that I've accepted my weakness,

what is the next step? Dr Abdul Rahman: The next step is self-worth,

by purging and cultivation and perhaps we will speak about this

during the next session But please remind me to give you

an example from the life of the companions about accepting weakness,

I would like you to hear it in sha’ Allah. The Host: Alright in sha’ Allah

Thank you Doctor. Dr Abdul Rahman: See you in good health.

The Host: Thanks. Dr Abdul Rahman: You are welcome.