The Marx Brothers - Animal Crackers (1930) - 2026 Refurbished Full Movie

Heat. Heat. [music] [music] [music] [music] Heat. Heat. [music] Heat. Heat. [music] [music] [music] >> [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] >> You must do your best tonight. Be on your toes, men. There's an honored guest tonight. is one of those men who are being fated by the smart 10. >> We'll see that he gets what he deserves. >> Treat him as they do a king in man of royal like a subject to a king. You must be loyal on this object. You must have your heart set. >> We'll do nothing to get on his nerves. >> Again, I mention be on your toes, men. He craves attention. He's one of those men. >> Yes, sir. We will give him just what he deserves. [music] >> Oh, hi. >> Oh, yes, Mrs. Written House. >> I'd like to make a few changes in the assignment of the room. >> Very good. Madam, >> suppose you put Mr. Chandler in [clears throat] the blue suite, and Captain Spalding as guest of honor will have the green duplex with the two bars. >> Two manners? Why yes. I think the captain would like two bars, don't you? >> Well, if he's just returned from Africa, he may need two bars. >> Mr. Rosco W. Chandler. Mrs. Littenhouse. >> Well, >> Mr. Chandler, so nice to see you. >> The famous Bogard, as I have promised. >> Mr. Chandler, how can I ever express my gratitude? >> Oh, she's nothing. nothing. You return from urus with a masterpiece valued at $100,000 and instead of displaying it yourself, you allow me to unveil it at my party in honor of Captain FY. You call that nothing, >> Mrs. House. I uh will you please remove that to the place where it is to be exhibited? >> Very good, sir. >> And uh very careful, please. Mrs. Uten House, do you think that is something? It is nothing compared to what I would like to do for you. You are a very beautiful woman. >> No. No, Mr. Chandler. >> Well, maybe I'm wrong. >> What? >> Please do not go, Mrs. Rittenhouse. I love you. >> I know. But do not take away your hand. I tell you I love you, but >> how? >> Well, uh, if you'll pardon me. >> Have you seen Johnny Parker? I wish you'd get Johnny Parker out of your mind and show more respect to Mr. Chandler. The trouble with you is you don't take these social affairs seriously. >> What would you suggest, Mom? Suicide. >> I would suggest. >> Mrs. Hidden House, Captain Spalding has arrived. >> Did you see me? >> Oh, I'm so glad. [music] My flame Captain Spalding has arrived. >> And now we are to meet him. The famous Captain [music] Spalding, the famous Captain Spalding. The captain has arrived. [music] We greet him with great cheering until he's appearing. The captain has arrived. [music] [screaming] [singing and music] >> Mr. Horatio W. Jammerson, field secretary to Captain Spalding. >> [music] >> I represent the captain who insists on my informing you of these conditions under which he camps here. [music] In one thing, he is very strict. He wants his women young and fit. And as for men, he won't have any trams here. >> As for men, he won't have any. [music] >> The men must all be very old, the women warm, the champagne cold. is under these conditions that he camps here. I'm announcing Captain Jeff. >> He's announcing [singing and music] Jeff. Oh dear. [music] He is coming. [music] [music] >> [music] [music] >> Well, what do I owe you? >> Somehow, some kitta, some noise, some some lasher. >> What? From Africa to here? A $185? It's an outrage. I told you not to take me through Australia. You know, it's all ripped up. You should have come right up to Lincoln Boulevard. Where do you come with that stuff? Turn around the rear end. I want to see your license plates. I don't think you guys are on the square. I'll attend to you later. Don't try to pull that. >> Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you, >> Captain Spalding. Written House Manner is entirely at your disposal. >> Well, I'm certainly grateful for this magnificent wash out. A turnout. And uh now I'd like to say a few words. Hello. I must be going. I cannot say I came to say I must be going. I'm glad I came, but just the same I must be going. La, >> for my sake, you must stay. If [music] you should go away, YOU SPOIL THIS PARTY I AM. >> I'll stay a week or two. I'll stay the summer through. But I am telling you, I must be [music] >> I'll do anything you say. In fact, I'll even say >> good. But I must be going. >> There's something that I'd like to say that he's too modest to relay. The captain is a moral man. Sometimes he finds it try. >> This fact I'll emphasize with stress. I never take a drink unless somebody's buying. >> The captain is a very man. >> If he hears anything obscene, you're naturally repellent. >> I hate a dirty joke. I do unless it's told by someone who knows how to tell it. [music] >> African explorer. >> Can someone call me? >> Hooray. Hooray. Hooray. [music] >> He went into the jungles where all the monkeys throw nuts. If I stay here, I'll go nuts. >> Hooray. Hooray. [music] >> [music] >> very science. >> Hey. Hey. >> I think I'll try and make a hooray. Hooray. [music] [music] >> [music] >> science. >> Hey, hooray. [music] >> My friends, I am highly gratified at this magnificent display of a fusion. And I want you to know [music] My friends, I am highly gratified at this magnificent display of effusion. And I want you to know [music] My friends, I am highly gratified of this magnificent display of the fusion. And I want you to know, hooray for Captain [music] Spalding, the African English hero. Well, somebody's got to do it. >> Captain Spalding, it is indeed a great honor to welcome you to my poor home. >> Oh, it isn't so bad. >> But needless to say, >> wait a minute. I think you're right. It is pretty bad. As a matter of fact, it's one of the frrowsiest looking joints I've ever seen. >> Why, Captain? >> Where did you get your wallpaper? You're letting this place run down. And what's the result? You're not getting the class of people that you used to. Why? You've got people here now that look like you. Now, I'll tell you what we'll do. We put up a sign outside, place on a new management. We set up a 75 cent meal that'll knock their eyes out. After we knock their eyes out, we can charge them anything we want. Now, sign here and give me your check for $1,500. Now, I want to tell you, madam, that with this insurance policy, you have provided for your little one and for your old age, which will be here in a couple of weeks now, if I'm any judge of horse. And now, madam, I feel that the time has come, the walrus says, to speak of. Captain Spalding, you stand before me as one of the bravest men of all time. >> All right, I'll do that. >> In the dark forest of Africa, there has been no danger. You have not dear. >> You mind if I don't smoke? >> Fearlessly you have blazed new trails, storm full of the lion's roar, and the cannibal's tom, >> says you. >> Never once in all those weary months did your footsteps falter. Cowardice is unknown to you. Fear is not in you. >> Uh, pardon me, a caterpillar, CAPTAIN. OH, it must have been the caterpillar that frightened him. Oh dear, this is unfortunate. Don't stand there. GET THE WHISKEY. GET the whiskey. >> DISKI. THAT IS DISKI. >> It's in my little black bag in the right hand corner. >> Senior Emanuel Rebelli. >> [music] [music] >> How do you do? >> How do you do? >> Where's the dining room? >> I'm surprised. >> Say I used to know a fellow look exactly like you by the name of Emanuel Ralli. Are you his brother? >> I am Emanuel Relli. >> You're Emanuel Ralli? >> I am Emanuel Ralli. >> Well, no wonder you look like him. But I still insist there is a resemblance. [laughter] >> He thinks I look alike. Well, if you do, it's a tough break for both of you. >> You are one of the musicians, but you were enough due until tomorrow. >> Couldn't come tomorrow. That's too quick. >> Say you're lucky they didn't come yesterday. >> We were busy yesterday, but we charge just the same. >> This is better than exploring. What do you fellas get an hour? >> Oh, for playing, we get a $10 an hour. >> I see. What do you get for not playing? >> $12 an hour. >> Well, clip me off a piece of that. >> Now, for reheing, we make special rate. That's a $15 an hour. >> That's for rehoising. for rehearsing. >> And what do you get for not rehearsing? >> You couldn't afford it. You see, if we don't rehoist, so we don't play. And if we don't play, that runs into money. >> How much would you want to run into an open manhole? >> Just a cover charge. [laughter] >> Well, drop in sometime. >> Sewer. >> Well, we clean that up pretty well. >> Well, let's see how we stand. >> Flatfooted. Yesterday we didn't call. You remember? Yesterday we didn't call. >> I remember. >> Yeah, that's $300. >> Yesterday you didn't come. That's $300. >> Yeah, that's $300. >> Well, that's reasonable. I can see that. All right. >> Now, today we did come. That's uh >> that's a hundred you owe us. >> Hey, I bet I'm going to lose on the deal. Tomorrow we leave. That's worth about >> a million dollars. >> Yeah, that's all right for me. But I GOT A PARTNER. >> WHAT PARTNER? >> The professor. >> [music] [music] [music] >> The gate swung open and a big Newton entered. >> How do you do? >> Goodness. You haven't got chocolate, have you? >> He's got everything. >> Take the professor's hat and coat >> and send for the fumigators. Oh my say, don't you see there a lady's present? What do you think this is? Is it? Put that hat down, will you? >> What do you do there? Get out of here. >> [music] >> A little more to the right. Ah, that's better. Now see that the drape is well hung. The mistress will inspect it before the unveiling. >> Hello. Hi, >> Mrs. White. This is a surprise. >> And how about me, >> Miss Grace? You've grown so in the last year. >> You haven't lost any weight yourself. [laughter] >> No, unfortunately not. >> You know, Hives, it seems strange to find you working here instead of in our own home. Well, after you left the euro, Mrs. Writtenhouse was good enough to make me an offer. >> Lovely. Oh, uh, by the way, hi, what's the secret about the painting? >> No secret. It's Bogards after the hunt. >> The original? >> Most original. >> Be careful. >> Where did she get hold of that, do you suppose? Is it very valuable? >> Is it? It must be worth a fortune. What's this? It looks as if we yield the social honors of the season to Mrs. Written House. Well, isn't there something we can do? We might shoot ourselves. I'd rather shoot Mrs. Writtenhouse. Say, I have an idea. I copied that painting at art school a year ago. Well, what have I? But I still don't get it. I'll go home and get a copy. We'll substitute it for the original. And when she unveils it, what does she have? An imitation. And I must admit, a very poor one. Grace, you're wonderful. That's what I've been telling you. I won't be long. All right. See you later. Oh, hi. Do you still feel there's a strong bond between us? >> Why most certainly, Mrs. Whitehead? >> Strong enough for you to do me a big favor? >> Why? Anything at all? >> Well, suppose I were to ask you to uh take away the Boguard. >> What you Oh, just temporarily, of course. And uh substitute something of my own. >> Well, I should consider it rather an unusual request. >> It is hard, but somehow I still think of you as one of the white heads. [sighs] >> You may count on me. My soul is yours, even though my body may belong to Mrs. Writtenhouse. >> Why? Hi. >> Oh, Mrs. Whitehead. Arabella. May I present Mr. Parker? Oh, of the Massachusetts Parkers. >> Why? No. >> Oh, then the Southern Parkers. Oh, no. The Central Parkers. Uh, you know, the benches and trees. I see. Meow. Oh, I don't like that woman. >> Well, never mind. You come over here and sit down and tell me whom you do like. >> Oh, so that's you gain. >> Now, listen. Do you really love me? >> Why don't you marry me and find out? >> Marry you? >> On what? Last year I sold two paintings, one at 100 and one at 50. Could we live on $150 a year? >> Well, we wouldn't need any money. I've got a charge account in every shop on Fifth Avenue. >> Well, if I had any brains, I'd give up painting and get a regular job. You know, I had a cousin who made $50,000 in Wall Street last year. >> I don't want to marry a cousin. I'm a dumb fool. I want to marry you. >> Say, why don't we get that old bluff Chandler to buy a portrait from you? >> Chandler? What does he know about art? >> Well, the less he knows, the easier it'll be for you to sell him. >> They're right upstairs. You come this way. Go around the other side. Mrs. Riven House. Wow. Oh, Captain Spalding, how are you? >> Tell me, >> are you alone? >> Captain, I don't understand. >> What? You don't understand being alone? Don't give me that innocent stuff or you'll be alone. >> Where? >> A big cluck like you turning cute on me. >> Mrs. Writtenhouse. >> Yes. Oh, pardon, pardon me. You've been affected like this yourself, haven't you? At times? >> No, Captain. >> But you will be, Mrs. Writtenhouse. Ever since I've met you, I've swept you off my feet. Something has been throbbing within me. Oh, it's been beating like the incessant TomTom in the primitive jungle. Something that I must ask you. >> What is it, Captain? >> Would you wash out a pair of socks for me? >> Captain, I'm surprised. Well, it may be a surprise to you, but it's been on my mind for weeks. It's just my way of telling you that I love you. That's all. I love you, Captain of you. I beg your pardon. >> There's never been >> I beg your pardon. Am I intruding? >> Are you intruding? Just when I had her on the 5 yard line. >> I should say you are intruding. I should say you are intruding. Pardon me. I was using the subjunctive instead of the past tense. Yes, we're away past tense. We're living in bungalows now. This is a mechanical age, of course. >> Mrs. Whitehead, you haven't met Captain Spalding, have you? >> Why, no, I haven't. How are you? >> How are you? >> I'm fine, thank you. And how are you? >> And how are you? That leaves you one up. Did anyone ever tell you you had beautiful eyes? >> No. >> Well, you have, and so have you. He shot her a glance as a smile played around his lips. Yes. I don't think I've ever seen four more beautiful eyes in my life. Well, three anyway. You know, you two girls have everything. You're tall and short and slim and stout and blonde and brunette. And that's just the kind of a girl I crave. We three would make an ideal couple. Why? You've got beauty, charm, money. You have got money, haven't you? Because if you haven't, we can quit right now. >> The captain is charming, isn't he? >> I'm fascinated. >> I'm fascinated, too. Right on the arm. Fascinated. Whimwam. If I were Eugene O'Neal, I could tell you what I really think of you two. You know, you're very fortunate the theater guild isn't putting this on, and so is the guild. Pardon me while I have a strange interlude. By you, couple of baboons. What makes you think I'd marry either one of you? Strange how the wind blows tonight. It has a thiny voice that reminds me of poor old Mazdon. How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away. Well, what do you say, girls? What do you say? Will you marry me? >> But, Captain, which one of us? >> Both of you. Let's all get married. This is my party. Party? Party? Here I am talking of parties. I came down here for a party. What happens? Nothing. Not even ice cream. The gods look down and laugh. This would be a better world for children if the parents had to eat the spinach. >> Well, what do you say, girls? What do you say? Uh, are we all going to get married? >> All of us. >> All of us. >> But that's big of me. >> Yes. And it's big of me, too. It's big of all of us. Let's be big for a change. I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody. Not even your grandfather. Think Think think of the honeymoon. Strictly private. I wouldn't let another woman in on this. Well, maybe one or two, but no men. I may not go myself. >> Are you suggesting companionate marriage? >> Well, it's got its advantages. You could live with your folks, and I could live with your folks. And you you could sell full of brushes. Living with your folks. Living with your folks, the beginning of the end. But I have dead yesterday. Shutting out beautiful tomorrows. Hideous stumbling footsteps creaking along the misty coridors of time. And in those corridors, I see figures. Strange figures. Weird figures. Steel 186, Anaconda 74, American Ken 138. >> Well, let's see. Where were we? Oh, yes. Uh, we were about to get married. Well, what do you think? Do you think we really ought to get married? >> I think marriage is a very noble institution. It's the foundation of the American home. >> Yes, but the trouble is you can't enforce it. It was put over on the American people while our boys were over there >> and while our girls were over here. >> You know that I've been waiting at the bottom of these stairs for years for just such a moment as this. >> My captain, where are you going? >> I'm sorry, ladies. I'm sorry, but uh I'm afraid we're going to have to postpone the wedding for a few days. Maybe for a few years. Before I get married, I'm going to sew a couple of wild oats. >> [laughter] >> The captain's so amusing. Isn't he charming? >> So, that's the famous Bogard, eh? It's a great picture, isn't it? >> Oh, you've seen it before. >> Seen it? I spent three days in Paris copying it. >> You did? >> Well, me and a million other young artists. >> Oh, I bet your coffee was better than any of them. >> Well, it wasn't bad at that. I'll show it to you sometime. >> Listen. >> What? Mother's going to unveil it tonight. >> Yeah. >> Suppose suppose when she unveils it, it's not the Bogard at all. Suppose it's yours. >> You mean put my copy in place of the Bogard? >> Exactly. >> Why, Arabella, you're crazy. What good would that do? >> What good? Listen, they'll unveil it. Chandler will tell everybody how fine it is. They'll all cheer their heads off, and then we'll tell them who really painted it. They'll say, "You're a great artist. You'll get six commissions for painting, and we can be married and divorced in no time." >> Well, that sounds great, but what if they don't like my painting? What then? >> Well, isn't the chance worth taking? >> Ah, I see you're admiring my picture, eh? >> Yes. Yes. >> Your picture? >> Yes, my picture. >> Well, it don't look like you. Hey, wait. Wait. Some place I met you before because your faces are very familiar. >> Well, after all, I'm one of the most well-known men in America. The newspapers will keep on running my photograph. >> You're not Dave Kabibble. Oh, >> nonsense. >> All right. Hey, wait. Hey, if you're not Dave Kibble, who are you >> now? Please. Chandler is my name. Rasco W. Chandler. >> Yeah, but I don't care about the name. You see, some place I met you before because your face is very familiar. Now, wait, let me see. Were you ever in singing? >> Please. >> No. No. Sing. I got it. I got it. Julian, let me alone. >> No. All right. All right. Don't run away. Don't run away. Level away. >> Now listen here. I have never been in these places. I spend most of my time in Europe. >> You're I got it now. I know. You come from Czechoslovakia. >> You are home. I tell you, I've never BEEN THERE. >> HEY. HEY. COME HERE. COME HERE. HEY. >> I TELL YOU THAT. PLEASE GET AWAY FROM ME. WHAT? >> You remember him? Who was he? He come from Czechoslovakia. You are wrong. I tell you. I've told you before. You are mistaken. >> He come from Czechoslovakia and I know who it is. That's AP the fish pedler from Czechoslovakia. >> Ridiculous. I tell you you're wrong. >> Ridiculous. Wait, wait, wait. Do we prove it? He had a bite mark, REMEMBER? >> OH, PLEASE. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING? >> And the arm and the arm and the leg and the foot and here the mustache and there it is. There's the mark. >> Oh, I the fishman. >> I confess I was I was the peddler. Well, how did you get to be Rasco W Chandler? >> Say, how did you get to be an Italian? >> Never mind. Whose confession is this? >> Well, now here, boys, for heaven's sake, don't say anything about this to anybody, and I think we can come to some agreement, some arrangement which will be uh mutually satisfactory. Yes, >> money. >> Shall we say uh $500? >> Pike of $500. >> Well, that is all the cash I have with me. >> $500. Well, all right. I tell you what we do. We'll take your I owe you. >> I have given you my best offer and that is all you will get. >> That's all you give? A the fishman the fish the fishman the fish. Now come here now. Listen here. I have here a check for $5,000. Now I give it to you. Yeah. >> Hey, is it good? >> Well, of course it is good. Who would give me a bad check? >> I would. Hey, see if it's good. >> All right. If you don't want to check, then that is all you will get. >> That's all we get. >> Yes, >> he's a the fish. >> A the fish. A the fishman. A the fish. >> HERE YOU >> MY TIE. WHERE IS MY TIE? I Nothing but a pair of thieves. That's all. >> I get it. The tie. Well, what do you got? The point mark. [laughter] Got my >> Hey. Hey. Where's your tie? >> Well, I did. >> That's a fine way for a millionaire to be running around hoping at the neck. >> Have you got gutters? >> Of course I have got here. Oh, they've taken my gutters, too. >> A likely story. Turning collegiate army, eh? Have you got socks? >> Certainly. Here they are. >> So, you have. You have got socks. They look pretty old to me, too. Who's are they? >> Well, old socks. Let me introduce myself. My name is Spalling. Captain Sping. >> I am Rasco W. Chandler. Well, this is a treat. Your treat. >> You have uh heard about me? >> Yes, I've heard about you for a great many years, Mr. Channon, and I'm getting pretty darn sick of it, too. >> Quite naturally, I have also heard of the great captain spoke. >> Well, that's fine. I've heard of you, and you've heard of me. Now, have you ever heard the one about the two Irishmen? >> Oh, yes. [laughter] >> Well, now that I've got you in hysterics, let's get down to business. My name is Spalding. Captain Spalding. >> I am Rusco W. Chlo. >> And I am Jeffrey T. Spalding. I bet you don't know what the T stands for. >> Uh, Thomas >> Edgar, you were close, though. You were close though, and you still are, I'll bet. Now, this is what I want to talk to you about, Mr. Chandler. How would you like to finance a scientific expedition? >> Well, that is a question. >> Yes, that is a question. You certainly know a question when you see it. I congratulate you, Mr. Chandler. And that brings us right back to where we were. How would you like to finance a scientific expedition? >> Well, is there any particular kind of an expedition you had in mind? Well, I'll tell you. I'm getting along in years now. And there's one thing that I've always wanted to do before I quit. >> What is that? >> Retire. Now, would you be interested in a proposition of that kind? You know, I've always had an idea that my retirement would be the greatest contribution to science that the world has ever known. This is your chance, Mr. Channer, when I think what you have done for this country. And by the way, what have you done for this country? >> Oh, well, I have always tried to do what I could, especially in the world of art. >> Art? Well, I don't know how we drifted around to that, but what is your opinion of art? >> I am very glad you asked me. I withdraw the question. This fellow takes things seriously. It isn't safe to ask him a simple question. Tell me, Mr. Chandler, where are you planning on putting your new opera house? >> Oh, I thought I should like to put it somewhere near Central Park. >> I see. Why don't you put it right in Central Park? >> Could we do that? >> Sure, do it at night when no one is looking. Why don't you put it in the reservoir and get the whole thing over with? Of course, that might interfere with the water supply. But after all, we must remember that art is art. Still, on the other hand, water is water, isn't it? And east is east and west is west. And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, it tastes much more like prunes and rhubarb does. Now, uh, now you tell me what you know. >> Well, I I I would be very glad to give you my opinion. >> Well, that's dandy. I'll ask you for them someday. Remind me, will you? I'll tell you what. Could you come to my office at 10:00 tomorrow morning? If I'm not there, ask for Mr. Jameson. That's my secretary. And if he sees you, I'll discharge him. That's a date now. Saturday at 3. No, you better make it Tuesday. I'm going to Europe Monday. Pardon me. My name is Spalding. I've always wanted to meet you, Mr. Chandler. Tell me, what do you think of the traffic problem? What do you think of the marriage problem? What do you think of at night when you go to bed, you beast? >> Well, I tell you, my dear, >> I'd rather not discuss it any further. Remember, there are children present. >> Well, you see, my dear captain, in the last analysis, it is a question of money. The nickel today is not what it used to be 10 years ago. >> Well, I'll go further now. I'll get off at the depot. The nickel today is not what it was 15 years ago. Do you know what this country needs today? >> What? >> A 7-cent nickel. >> Yes, sir. We've been using the five cine on this country since 1492. Now that's pretty near 100 years. Daylight saving. Now why not give the seven nickel a chance? If that works out, next year we could have an eight cent nickel. Think what that would mean. You could go to a news stand, buy a three- cent newspaper, and get the same nickel back again. One nickel carefully used would last a family a lifetime. >> Captain Spalding, I think that is a wonderful idea. >> You do? Huh? >> Yes. >> Well, then there can't be much to it. Forget about it. >> Well, well, tell me, Captain Chandler. Uh, excuse me. Uh, Spalding is the name. >> Sping. That's right. >> I'm Spalling and you're Chandler. >> Let's have no more of that either, right? >> Bad not being spoing. >> Well, tell me, Captain Sping. >> Uh, Spalding is the name. >> That's right. That's right. I'm I'm Chant. I'm Sping. >> Sping. >> Can I look at a program a minute? I might be the News Weekly for all he knows are coming next week. >> Well, tell me, Captain Spalling, you've been quite a traveler. Uh, what do you think about South America? I'm going there soon, you know. >> Is that so? Where you going? >> Uruguay. >> Well, you go Uruguay and I'll go mine. Say, how long has this been going on? Let's change the subject. Take the foreign situation. Take ainia. I'll tell you. You take ainia and I'll take a hot butterscot Sunday on rye bread. Let's go and see what the boys in the back room. Yes, sir. >> Let's see how yours compares with the original. >> All right, let's >> Oh, I don't see any difference. Well, look closer. Maybe you'll find it's better. >> No, you don't. >> You see my partner? >> No. >> Oh, you Oh, Mr. Rabola. >> Reli. >> Oh, Mr. of her belly. I want you to do something for me. >> I do anything for you. What do you want I should do? >> Do you see that painting? >> You mean this big? >> I want you to take that out of the frame and put this one in its place. >> You want I should take this one down. Put this one upstairs. H. >> Yes, that's it. >> You want I should steal. >> Oh, no. No, it's not stealing. >> Well, then I couldn't do it. No. Oh man. >> Hey, got up. Get up. Come here. That's all you do. Chase the women. Look. Oh, stop. Everybody here plays cards. They don't ask us here. We are a waste all the time. We've been here all day. Hh. How much are we make? We make a nine. The first thing you know, we're going to live on a charity. Then we go to the old lady's home. How do you like that? >> No. No. That's a no good. These people here all got money. Now we got to get us someone to play with us. See, I play anything. Poke. >> I want to speak to you about the music. >> Yeah. How do you do? >> What's the matter with you? I thought it would be nice. Go away from me. What is this? Yes. All right. I just Hey, my dear. I I don't know what >> Hello, professor. Good heavens. What's the matter with his feet? HAVE YOU? I DON'T. GOOD HEAVENS. OH, this is embarrassing. [laughter] >> Oh, I know nothing. You see why? We play all kinds of games. We play blackjack, soccer. That's >> happen. You'll never This is awful. I wouldn't have had this happen for THE WORLD. HEAVEN is terrible. I survived. >> You go this way. >> One, two, three. Boy, get away. Oh dear. Oh, I must get them out. I must get them out here. I'm so frightened. Oh, you see how terribly he looks? >> Look, this is looking so frightened. What can I do? I don't know. I I better get high. No, no. Let me get it. I'm just trying to watch my chance. >> Now you >> Oh, this is terrible. This is disgraceful. [screaming] >> Well, why don't you leave him alone, boss? Now, uh, that this game is over, how about playing some bridge? You play bridge? >> I play bridge a little. >> What do you play for? >> Oh, we just play for small steaks >> and French fried potatoes. >> Step right over there. Hi. >> Very good, mate. >> Are you What in the world be up to? Look at this. The whole house will be absolutely one thing. I just take it away, hide over here. >> Now, how do you want to play? Honest. >> Well, I hope so. You put that right away. It's your own fault. >> Come along now. We prep for partners. >> Oh, he's my partner. That's the only way we play. I'm sorry, but it's against the rules of the game. We have to cut for partners. >> All right, we cut for partners. I got Ace of Spades. He's got Ace of Spades. [laughter] >> That's what you call coincidences. >> Two aces of spades. >> Yeah, he's got thousands of them. >> Well, I suppose that gives him the choice of seats. >> You have the choice of seats. >> Good heaven on her. >> Sit down. I don't know. >> He thought it was contact bridge. Just a minute now. Shuffle the cards. >> Yeah, you got to scramble them up a little bit, you know. Just a moment. I'd like to cut those cards. Hey, add some weather. Um, your bid partner, you pass. >> Miss Deal, >> you pass. I bid one spade. >> I pass. >> Three spades, four spades, one club. >> I don't understand this kind of bidding. Well, you don't have to understand. >> You bid four spades, eh? >> Why, I haven't a spade in my hand. >> All right, we double. >> There's something wrong here. I want you to go over the bidding. >> Oh, hey, she wants to start him off again. The bidding. He bids one. >> One. One. >> That's all right. You find out. >> But we have to know what he's bidding. >> We tell you later. Now, I bid two. Two what? >> Uh, two of the same he bits. Now the bidding's over. See, that's enough bidding. Uh, it's your lead. >> Oh, no. You can't leave that. >> Why not? >> Why, we can't take it. >> Well, what should I leave? >> Let me show you. Ace of spades. That's a very good one. Three of spades. Four of spades. You trumpet. [laughter] Ah, that's what you call a finesse. >> No spades, partner. No spades. Ace of hearts and ace of clubs. Dummy leads. The dummy leads. >> I'm not the dummy. >> Well, you could be. Ace of diamonds. 100 aces. Huh? 200. That's better. Ace of hearts. Add up, boy. Make a big slam. Make a big big slam. Ace of spades. Ace of spades. It's a good he plays a good game. Ace of spades plays a fine game already. >> Ace of spades. >> I refuse to play any longer. You're nothing but a couple of card shots. >> What's the matter, DEAR? MY SHOES ARE GONE. GOOD GRACIOUSLY has your slippers. Come along. Come on. [laughter] Hey, you taking the lady's shoes, eh? Hey, quiet. Hide. Hide. Somebody go. All right. All right. I make a mistake. Get off. Get off. Come on. Hurry up. Come. Hey, hurry. Okay. Come here. You know what we got to do? Hh. We got to take that picture to put this one upstairs with the lady way to no touch. You got everything ready, huh? The shovel, the axe, the dynamite, the pineapples. Where's the flesh? Room for a fight. It's no flesh. The flesh. There's a flesh. Flesh. That's a flesh. Flesh. Yeah, that's a flesh. That's a fish. AND NO ONE WANT THE FISH. NO FISH. FLESH. OH, stop it. This you act crazy. When you go out in the night time, you got to have it. The flesh. That's not flesh. That's a fisk. Flesh. When you want to see somebody, you got to have a flesh. That's a flush. What I going to do with a flush? A flesh? No flits. That's a flitz. What I going to do? What do you got? Huh? That's a What do you call a flutes? All you got is a fish and the fluts and the flits and the fluts and the flits and the fluts and the flits and the fluts and the stop this. Where's the flesh? Huh? Look, when everything is a light and you want to make them a dark, what do you do? Hey, you're crazy. I don't want no blackjack. It's my mistake. I guess when everything is a a dark and you want to make them alive. Yeah, that's a place. That's a place. That's a Hey, that's so good. All right, the storm put the lights out. Now nobody can see what we do. It's a fine. Where's the flesh? Where's the flesh? I don't want the fish. A flesh? No. No fruits. No fruits. That's a matter for you. Eh flesh before the people come and get it. The flesh. What's the matter? You lose it. Well, you got to find it. Look for it. All right. All right. Never mind. Come on. We'll wait without >> Yes, ma'am. I hide. Something hide. Quiet. Quiet. Shut up. Quiet. Shut up. Be quiet. I know where you are. It's all right. >> Oh, Captain Spalding. Captain Spalding, WHERE ARE YOU? >> YEAH. >> OH, CAPTAIN. YES. What's the trouble? >> The storm has put the lights out and you can't see your hand before your face. >> Well, you wouldn't get much enjoyment out of that. >> Well, I don't know what you're going to do, but I'm going to take a nap. Leave me a call for 3:00. >> Make it 3:30. You say you get service around here. Pardon me, Mrs. Written House. Did you lose a fish? >> What? Well, somebody lost it. Will you take it out in the kitchen and have it fried for me? Did you hear that? >> There's somebody over there. I say there's somebody over there. >> Don't be silly. The house is just settling, that's all. Anybody over there? >> I don't see anybody. There you are. If there was anybody over there, we'd see him, wouldn't I? >> Oh, what is it, Captain? What is it? >> You know what I think? I think you got roaches. >> [screaming] >> Yes, you've got roaches. All right. And the biggest one has got asthma. >> Oh, this is terrible. Let us get out of here. >> This can't be the library. This must be the operating room. >> Well, that's we get in the picture. We don't make one sound. Come on. >> Hey, somebody put it on the lights. All right. If we get in the picture though, we may make a one sound. Come on, let's go. Get out of here. What do you want? Oh, the fish. Come on. Come on. Oh, that's some storm, eh? That's a regular tornado. Come on. Let's go this way. I think it's a shortcut. Come on, let's go. California. [music] Oh, Captain Hulk living. And then and then what happened? >> Oh, it was nothing at all. I'd rather not discuss it. >> Oh, but I can't wait to hear the finish. I must kill. >> Well, there I was. There I was in the top of the tree with this rhinoceros pointing his gun straight at me. >> A rhinoceros? >> Yes. >> Oh, Captain, what did you do? >> What could I do? I had to marry his daughter. >> What kind of story do you call that? >> All right, you tell one. And now, my friend, before we start the musical program, Captain Spalding has kindly considered to tell us about his trip to Africa. Captain Spalding. My friends, I'm going to tell you of that great, mysterious, wonderful continent known as Africa. Africa is God's country, and he can have it. Well, sir, we left New York drunken early on the morning of February 2nd. After 15 days on the water and six on the boat, we finally arrived on the shores of Africa. We had once proceeded 300 miles into the heart of the jungle where I shot a polar bear. This bear was 6'7, a stocking feet and has shoes on. Pardon >> me just a moment, Captain. Just a moment. I always thought that polar bears lived in the frozen north. >> Oh, you did? Well, this bear was anemic and he couldn't stand the cold climate. He was a rich bear and he could afford to go away in the winter. You take care of your animals and I'll take care of mine. frozen north, my eye. From the day of our arrival, we led an act of life. The first morning saw us up at 6:00, breakfasted, and back in bed at 7:00. This was our routine for the first 3 months. We finally got so we were back in bed at 6:30. One morning, I was sitting in front of the cabin smoking some meat when >> smoking some meat. >> Yes. There wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood. As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers. >> Of the biggest. Captain, did you catch six tigers? >> I begged them. I I begged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon. They were the most persistent tigers I've ever seen. The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elks, and knights of Pittheus. Of course, you all know what a moose is. That's big game. The first day, I shot two bucks. That was the biggest game we had. As I say, you all know what a moose is. A moose runs around on the floor and eats cheese and is chased by the cats. The elks on the other hand live up in the hills and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the water hole and you should see them run when they find it is only a water hole. What they're looking for is an alcohol. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas? I don't know. Then we try to remove the tusks. The tusks. That's not so easy to say. Tusks. You try that sometimes. Tusk. >> Oh, simple tusks. >> Pardon me. My name is Spalding. I've always wanted to meet you, Mr. Chandler. >> As I say, we try to remove the tusks, but they were embedded in so finely that we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama, the Tuscaloosa, but uh that's entirely irrelevant to what I was talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks. >> Very electing speech, Captain Sping. Three cheers for Captain Sping. Three cheers for Captain Sping. >> Oh, really? I >> no one asked for the chairs. Put them right where you found them. Now go. >> Go on. Go on. Go on with your chairs. Get up. >> Go on. Go on. Go on. You >> And now, friends, Senor Relli will oblige us at the piano. SORELLI. [applause] >> Senior's voice selection will be Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping with a Male Chorus. >> [music] [music] [music] >> 5 6 [music] 7 8 9 7 15 16 17. Say [music] if you get a song, play it. I can't think of the finish. [music] That's strange. And I can't think of anything else. [music] You know what I think? I think I went past it. Well, if you come around again, jump off. I once kept this up for three days. You wouldn't consider a hush money, would you? [music] I can't get him now. I got to wait for inspiration. It's >> about time. Play the song about Montreal. >> Montreal. I'm a dreamer. Montreal. >> I don't know that. I tell you what I do. I play you one of my own compositions by Victor Hoy. Make it short. [music] >> [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [applause] [music] [music] >> He plays them both well. >> [music] >> man. >> The old red team scored that time. [laughter] >> So did the old blue one. >> What are your thoughts? What are your PS? Let them alone. They may exterminate each other. Absolutely. Come on. The best thing for either of them must go to that once for all Purdue. >> [music] >> I was afraid of that. >> Hey, I thought I had to finish. >> I wish you did. Yours. Play the song about the Irish coropitus. >> Irish corpus. >> My fate is in your hands. >> [music] [music] [music] [music] >> Drive be all >> [music] >> Is there a horse in the house? They've got everything else here. And uh now, Mrs. Written Rotten. >> Mrs. Writtenhouse. >> Yes. Slight error. I have a little surprise for you. The man is here for the piano. >> Oh, Captain. >> No, really. What I meant to say was that uh when I departed from the natives in Africa, I was presented with a little gift. And this gift I'm going to give to you at a very low figure. >> Oh, how wonderful, Captain. Well, now don't be too hasty. Wait to see. >> This is all hand painted. >> The whole thing was done with a white of an egg. >> Well, what is it, Captain? What is it? >> What is it, you ask? This is a hope chest for a guinea pig. >> What is it? This magnificent chest? No, this mag No, this magnificent chest. I now take great pleasure in presenting to you with my compliments. >> Captain, this leaves me speechless. >> Well, see that you remain that way. And now, ladies and gentlemen, >> come outside and say that. >> If we will all adjourn to the library, Mrs. Rittenhouse has another and perhaps a greater surprise for us. >> This way, Captain. >> Mr. House, how do you pay hives? By the week or by the pound? Or by the [music] And now it is my privilege to reveal the masterpiece of France Dubo Gil Bogar. >> No trains will be sold after the magazines leave the depot. >> Off to the hunt. >> [applause] >> There. I told you you were a great artist. Shall we spill the beans now? >> Let's wait a minute. Something might happen. >> Now, I'm sure we'd all appreciate a few words from Mr. Chandler, who will tell us something of the life and work of the artist Bogard. >> And keep it clean. >> Mr. Chandler. [applause] >> My friends, I am quite sure that you're all familiar with Bogar, and this is perhaps his masterpiece. In it, he has achieved a greatness in the handling of color and line. Now, you will see here that I wait, this isn't my my picture. THIS IS A [clears throat] RANK IMITATION. >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MR. CHANDLER? >> WELL, HERE, see for yourself. You are right. It is not the Bogard. >> It certainly isn't. There's a dog missing. >> Oh, Captain Spalding. What shall I do? >> Telephone the dog catches immediately. >> They have taken the original and left me this. >> Leave it to me. I'll throw some light on this subject. >> I'm sorry. >> OH, HI. HI. WHERE ARE YOU? TURN DOWN THE LIGHT. >> MRS. RITTENHOUSE, did you lose that fish again? >> Oh, Captain, I'm so worried. GOOD HEAVEN, THAT ONE IS GONE, TOO. >> OH, this is awful. >> The crooks. THE CROOKS. THEY'RE ESCAPING. FOLLOW ME, MAN. NEVER MIND THE MEN. Just the women. >> Oh, heaven. Oh, >> come on. Right this way. You went out here. [laughter] >> Oh, excitement. >> I've never saw anything so funny in all my life. >> It was great. And there goes our old party. Good old rhymes. Wasn't it funny? >> Oh, very. >> Well, you're not afraid, are you? Hard. >> Oh, no. I'm not afraid. Oh, dear. No. Only. You see? Well, they were talking of having the police here, and I wouldn't want the police to suspect me. >> Why, they wouldn't suspect you. >> Oh, yes, they would. You see, the last time they suspected me, I got four years. >> Hi. All right, Hives. Give me the painting and I'll take care of it. >> Good. >> This will happen. GOOD HEAVENS. IT'S GONE. >> GONE. >> I LEFT IT IN THERE. >> Then there must be thieves at this party. If I'd known that, I never would have come. Wait a minute. That professor. >> The professor. I see. >> Hives. That's the fellow in the wood pile. Now listen. We've got to get that picture away from him. Might I uh suggest uh some of this? Oh, very satisfactory in these cases. A few drops on a handkerchief and the professor will no longer obstruct us. >> You're sure it'll do the trick? >> Oh, absolutely. Would you uh care to try, sir? >> Oh, no thanks, Hives. Let's find the professor. I don't see how the thieves could have gotten away. I wonder who it could have been. >> It's a good thing we substituted yours. Supposing the thieves had gotten away with the bulgard. >> Oh, it'd be all right if they stole mine. >> Oh, darling, I didn't mean that. But what would mother do? Why, it's worth $100,000. How could she have replaced it? >> Oh, I understand. >> But isn't it exciting? Just think, whoever took it was right in the room with us, just like raffles. Oh, isn't it romantic? [music] All the boys I've known [music] used to say I was made of stone. I would always leave them alone in despair. [music] I've been on the pan. I've been called an electric fan. Told I'm even much colder than frigid air. I began to wonder [music] if I was all. I thought so. [music and singing] Tell me, why am I so romantic? [music] When you're near, why am I so [music] romantic? What a feeling when [music] your lips speak mine. That certain something comes stealing up and down my [music] spine. I don't know what it is to me. [music] You don't know half of them. You do [music] all the boys for me. They just leave me blue. [music and singing] Why am I so romantic with you? [music] Tell me dear, why am I so romantic? [music] When you're near, why am I so [music] romantic? [singing] What a grand feeling [music] when your lips touch mine. That certain something comes [singing] stealing [music] up and down my spine. When we pet in your arms, you hold me. [music] I forget all that my mother told me. >> Other girls for me, [music] they just leave me blue. Lord, why am I [music] so romantic with [singing] you? [music] >> [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] >> Heat. Heat. >> [music] [music] [music] [music] >> Oh, senior rebell. How do you do? >> I've been looking for you all morning. >> I was busy all morning, but you could have had me last night. >> Senior Revel, you've got to put that painting back. >> Painting. Painting. What painting? What do you thought? >> The one you changed last night. You remember? >> Oh, you mean of the pigs? >> Yes. >> Hey, what's tomorrow for you? Of course. You want them downstairs? Anyone off the stairs? Anyone downstairs? Any Come on, make up your mind. Oh, I do thank you for what you've done. But you've got to get that painting back before the police get here. >> Police? >> Yes. >> Come here. >> Yes. >> Wait. I give it to you. You put it back. Come on. Come on. >> Where's the pics? >> What do you mean? Where's the picture? >> I put them in here. So, go on. Somebody take them. You take them. >> Me? >> No. I know. I know. The fish peddler. A be the fish peddler. >> DID MOTHER INVITE A FISH peddler here? I don't know whether she invite but he's here. Come on and we find them. >> Good morning, Mrs. Writtenhouse. >> Good morning, Mr. Jonathan. And how is Captain Spalding this morning? >> Oh, he had a very bad night. He didn't sleep a wink. He went on horseback riding in the middle of the night. >> I'm sorry. >> Yes, I know. >> But we've all been really upset. Good morning, Captain. Did you enjoy your ride? >> What in the world are you looking for? >> I lost my horse. Oh. Yes, he slipped right out from between me. I can't understand it. I had my feet in the syrups, too. >> I don't know. I don't know how he got away. I didn't care about that, but I lost the bit you loan me. >> Never mind. I'll get you another bit. >> Well, that'll be two bits I owe you then. >> Captain, I hope you weren't distressed by last night's unfortunate decree. >> You mean that dinner you served? >> No, the painting that was stolen. >> Was there a painting stolen? I haven't seen a paper in three weeks. Jammerson, as my secretary, why didn't you inform me there was a painting stolen? What do you think I engaged you for? Well, Captain, I didn't know it. >> Well, you should have asked me. I didn't know it. >> Well, I'm sorry. >> You're sorry. You're a contemptable cur. I repeat, s you're a contemptable cur. Oh, if I were a man, you'd resent that. Please keep quiet, will you? I can get along without you. You know, I got along without your father, didn't I? Yes, and your grandfather. Yes, and your uncle. Yes, and your uncle. Yes, and my uncle. Captain, >> I didn't come here to be exonerated. >> A big pardon, Mrs. Writtenhouse. >> Oh, you do, eh? But I'd like to see you crawl out of a rumble seat. >> The police are here, madam. >> Oh, the police. Have them come in. >> Oh, so that's your game, is it? Well, you can't shut me up. Captain, >> now you can talk to my attorneys. Jameson. >> Yes, sir. >> Take it under my lawyers. I'll show you a thing or two or three. Show you a thing or three. Captain, >> sending for the police. Take it under my lawyers. >> Sending for the police, eh? I say take it under my lawyers. >> Well, I am taking it. Uh, read me what you have so far. Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga, care of Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga, and McCormack. Semicolon. >> How do you spell semicolon? >> All right, make it a comma. >> Dear Elsie. No, never mind. Elsie, >> do you want me to scratch Elsie? Well, if you enjoy that sort of thing, it's quite all right with me. However, I'm not interested in your private affairs, Jameson. Begin this way. Let's start all over again. >> Honorable Charles H. Hung. Gentlemen, question mark. >> Do you want that uh in the letter? >> No. Put that in an envelope. Now then in rayors of the fifth inst yours to hand and beg to rep brackets that uh we have gone over the ground carefully and we seem to believe i.e. to it. Eg in lie that uh despite all our precautionary measures which have been involved. Uh we seem to believe that it is hardly necessary for us to proceed unless we uh receive an IPso facto that is not negligible at this moment. Quotes unquing this finds you. I beg to remain. >> Hoping this finds him where? >> Well, let him worry about that. Don't be so inquisitive, Jameson. Sneak. I say hoping this finds you. I beg to remain as of June 9th. Cordly's regards. That's all. Jameson, I'll show you where I get off. Signing for the police. >> Now read me the letter, Jameson. >> Honorable Charles H. Hungadonga. >> Hungadonga. Hong >> Hung. Hungadonga. >> That's it. Hungadonga. >> Care of Hungadonga. Hungadonga. Hungadonga. Then McCormie, >> you've left out a hungadonga. You left out the main one, too. Thought you could slip one over on me, didn't you? E. All right, leave it out and put in a windshield wiper instead. I tell you what you do, Jameson. I tell you what, make it uh make it three windshield wipers and one hungadonga. They won't all be there when the letter arrives anyhow. >> Hungadonga. Hungadonga and McCormick. >> And McCormick. >> Dear Elsie, scratch. >> That won't do, Jameson. That that won't go through the mails. The way you got it, the way you've got the letter, you've got McCorm scratching Elsie. Now, you better turn that around. Have Elsie scratch McCormick. And you better turn McCormack around, too, Jameson, and see what you can do for me. >> Gentlemen, question mark. >> Gentlemen, question mark. Put it on the penultimate, not on the dipic. You want to brush up on your Greek, Jameson? Well, get a Greek and brush up on them. >> Enray yours of the fifth inst. >> I see. Now, uh, you said a lot of things here that I didn't think were important, so I just omitted them. >> Where? >> Oh, Captain. Good gracious. Oh, my >> So, you've just omitted them, eh? You've just omitted the body of the letter. That's all. You've just left out the body of the letter. That's all. Yours not to reason why, Jameson. You've left out the body of the letter. All right. I send it that way and some the body will follow. >> Do you want the body in brackets? >> No, it'll never get there in brackets. Put it in a box. Put it in a box and mark it uh forgilli. >> Mark it what? >> Mark it fragilly. F R A G. Look it up, Jameson. It's in the dictionary. Look under fragile. Look under the table if you don't find it there. Uh, quotes on quotes and quotes. >> That's three quotes. >> Yes, sir. >> Add another quote and make it a gallon. How much is it a gallon, Jameson? >> Regard >> regard. That's a fine letter, Jameson. That's an epic. That's dandy. Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of that letter and throw the original away. And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away. Just send a stamp. Air mail. That's all. You may go, Jameson. I may go, too. >> Mrs. Writtenhouse. >> Yes. >> I'm Inspector Hennessy from headquarters. >> How do you do, Inspector? >> Let me introduce myself. I'm Captain Scotland of Sping Yard. No, I'm Captain Sporing of Scotland Yard. Please don't make the same mistake again. >> I'm glad to know you, Captain. >> Well, I should think you would be. Now, then, Inspector, I think between the two of us, we can solve the mystery of the stolen painting, especially if you go home. >> Inspector, please don't be too hasty about making an arrest. I don't want my guests embarrassed. >> Don't worry, we won't arrest anybody. >> He's lucky if he can stay out of jail himself. >> Mr. Jameson, would you mind taking the inspector and his men to the library and showing them the scene of the crime? >> Certainly, Mrs. Writtenhouse. Right this way, Inspector. >> Come on, boys. >> And Jameson, count the spoons. >> Captain, I didn't know you'd been a detective, too. >> There's a whole lot of things you don't know. >> I suppose that's so. >> You know darn well it's so. Where were you in the night of June 5th, 1774? >> I'm afraid I don't know. >> You bet you don't know. Where was I? >> I don't know. >> Well, I don't know either. And if I did know, I wouldn't tell you. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Take a number from 1 to 10. >> All right. >> All right. What's the number? >> Seven. >> That's right. Seven is right. I could have done it with one hand if I wanted. This is no mystery. I could solve this in 5 minutes if I want to worry. >> Captain, I don't want you to worry. I don't want anything to interfere with your weekend. >> Nothing ever interferes with my weekend. And I'll thank you not to get personal, Mr. Written House. >> Oh, captain. >> Where's my secretary? >> I assure YOU I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND. >> WHERE'S MY SECRET? [laughter] >> CAPTAIN, YOU misunderstood me. >> A more dazzly crack. I've never heard. >> Oh, Captain, please. >> I wish I was back in the jungle where men are monkeys. >> Captain, I'm so sorry, >> Jameson. No. >> Oh, Captain. >> Oh, dear. >> Good morning, Mrs. Writtenhouse. >> Good morning. >> Perfectly charming party. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. It's just full of surprises. >> So glad you're enjoying yourself. >> Oh, hi. Hi. >> Good morning. Some breakfast? >> Breakfast? Nothing. Did you get the painting? >> No, I did not. I watched all night, but the professor did not sleep in his room. >> No. >> Strange. Very strange. >> Good heavens. But what will we do? >> I don't know until we see the professor. You keep an eye on him till I get back with a bottle. >> Don't worry, he'll not get away from me this time. Did you get it? >> Yes, madam. >> Good. Now, I'll go ahead and engage him in conversation. You trail behind, and when the proper time comes, see that he gets it. >> Very good, madam. >> Oh, hello. I've been looking all over for you. Where have you been? What is the matter with this? What have you got there? The morning papers? No, that isn't the one I want. Let me see one of the others. That still isn't the one I want. You know what I want? >> Out. >> Yeah, it's out now. Never mind the birds. Come on up here and sit down. I want Don't you like me? You don't? Well, I like you. I like little boys like you. By the way, how old are you? 5 years old. Well, you're just a baby, aren't you? [laughter] Oh. Oh, isn't that nice? I like that. [laughter] No, no, no. Now, all joking aside, isn't there someone you do like? Isn't there someone you love? Now, think again. Isn't there someone you really and truly love? Is there? Tell me who. Well, that's a horse. You love a horse. [laughter] That's fine. Come on. Lift him up. Lift him up. Come on. He's out. >> Let us get out. >> [music] [music] >> Uh, >> Arabella. >> John, I've been trying to find you. Reveli has lost the painting. >> Well, I've been looking all over for you. I just found a painting out on the terrace. >> Was it the bog? >> No. >> Oh, yours. Shh. >> Well, if it's not yours and it's not the bog, whose is it? Where did it come from? >> Well, don't you see? Someone else came along and substituted it for mine, thinking they were getting away with the original Bogard. >> Somebody swiped my scheme, eh? Say, then Channer never saw your painting after all. >> No. >> For all I know, you may still be a great artist. >> Where is this picture? >> It's up in my room. >> Well, you go get it, and I'll get Captain Sp. He'll get to the bottom of this. And then John found the third painting. >> Well, that's very interesting. Well, fairly interesting, but we just got to keep a sharp lookout. That's all. >> Oh, I've got to find it. Her mother's out $100,000. >> Now, don't worry. Let me work in this case for 24 hours and then we call in somebody else. You think it's a mystery now? Well, you'll see here tomorrow. Remember the Charlie Ross disappearance? I worked in that case for 24 hours and they never did find them. They couldn't find me for 5 years. That's me. Captain Yard of Scotland and Spalding. I always get my women or paintings. Arabella. Arab, can you imagine what's happened? You know that painting I found? >> Yes. >> Well, it's been stolen from my room. >> John, >> there you are. I haven't been on the case 5 minutes and there's another painting gone. I bet it's not even 5 minutes. I bet it's not over three. >> Now they've got my watch. This is going too far. It wasn't going and now it's gone. Then the door to my room is locked, too. >> Well, how could they get in? Who could it have been? >> Wait a minute. I think I've got a clue. No, it's a hair. A red hair. >> The professor. Oh, no. No, it couldn't be. >> Well, he's been picked out this month by the crook of the month club. Anyhow, we'll investigate it. >> You know conductor Hennessy, don't you? >> Inspector. >> Inspector yourself. Now, listen. You know that little redheaded fella, the professor? >> Yes. >> Well, get that gang of flagpole sitters of yours and see if you can find them. All >> right, Captain. Come on, boys. soon get to [music] the bottom of this. You'll see how quick these boys will untie. >> Hey, what the [ __ ] policeman? Didn't take them long to find out. >> That's right. This is it. >> Yeah, this is it. But which one is it? >> That the one that was just taken from my room. >> Oh, we've got that back. Maybe I got my watch back. Now the fab's gone. Well, I I I still got the pocket. Anything I retain now is velvet, except the coat. That's Prince Alvin. >> Well, all the jokes can't be good. You've got to expect that once in a while. >> Say, if we could find the fellow that painted this picture, well, we'd have a pretty good clue. What'd you say? >> I said if we could find the fellow that painted this picture, we'd have a pretty good clue. You just said that. What a dull conversation as you turn out to be. Let me see that a minute. Will you say this a sign Bogard? There's the criminal Bogard. >> No, Bogard is dead. >> BOGARD IS DEAD. THEN IT'S MURDER. Now we've got something. >> What do you got, Cap? >> I got Jackson aces. What do you got? >> That's good. I was bluffing. >> Look at this, Reveli. Isn't there something strikes you very funny about this picture? [laughter] >> Oh, come isn't as funny as all that. Did you ever see a tree like that? >> Tree? That's a spinach. >> That can't be spinach. Where's the egg? >> Well, it could be spinach. Look all the sand laying around there. >> You mean it's an old spinach custom? >> No, it's not that, Ralli. Anything but that. >> No, Gap. That's all right. It's my mistake. You know what that is? That's cold saw. >> Cold saw? >> Yeah, it's a cold slaw. >> Did you ever see a cold slaw like that? >> Sure. Look at this one. >> Now, I don't want any ellipo. Did you ever see anything like that? Did you ever see anything like that? You know what this is? This is a left-handed painting. >> Well, look, there's a signature. >> That's right. It's in the right hand corner. >> That's right. This is either a left-handed painting or a vegetable dinner. Now, if we can find a left-handed person that painted this, we'll have the trial of Mary Dugan with sound. >> Well, I saw that. Goodbye. >> Now, uh you wait here. I'm going to need you. Now, look. We mustn't lose this. This is evidence. Now take it to your room and leave the door open this time. We'll try that. And uh not a word about this to anybody, not even to me. >> We've got to find the left-handed painting. >> Yeah, you're left. >> Now, in a case like this, the choice to do is to find the motive. >> You got to go. >> Now, what could have been the motive of the guys that swiped the bulgard? >> I got it. Robbery. >> Would you mind going out and crossing the boulevard when the lights are against you? See Cap, sit down. You understand? I got an idea how to find this painting. In a case like this that's so mysterious, you got to get at the clues. You got to use the Sherlock Holmes method. Now you go about them like this. You say to yourself, "What happened?" And the answer come back, something was stolen. Then you say to yourself, "What was stolen?" And the answer come back, a painting. >> What are you, a ventriloquist? Now you say to yourself, where was this painting stolen? And the answer come back in this house. Now, so far I'm all right. Huh? >> Well, it's pretty hard to be wrong if you keep answering yourself all the time. >> Now you go a little further and you say to yourself, who stole the painting? This is a very, very important question, Captain. You get the answer you got to the solution to the whole thing. >> Especially if you find the picture. >> Now, you take all of the clues, you put them together. What do you got? Huh? >> A bread pudding. >> No. Here's what we got. Something was stolen. Stolen where? Into this house. Stolen by who? Somebody in the house. Now to find the painting, all they got to do is go to everybody in the house and ask them if they took it. >> You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters. You say you're going to go to everybody in the house and ask them if they took the painting. Suppose nobody in the house took the painting. >> Go to the house next door. >> That's great. Suppose there isn't any house next door? >> Well, then of course we got to build one. Well, now you're talking. What kind of a house you think we ought to put up? Huh? >> Well, I tell you, Cap. You see, my idea of a house is something nice and a small and comfortable. >> That's the way I feel about it. I don't want anything elaborate. Just a little place that I can call home and tell the wife I won't be there for dinner. >> I see. You just want a telephone booth. >> No, in that case, I'll get in touch with Chick Sales. >> Now, what do you say? Uh, what do you say, Cap? We build right about here. >> Here? >> Yeah, right about here. >> Oh, I'd like something over here if I could get it. I don't like Junior crossing the tracks on his way to the reform school. I don't like Junior at all, as a matter of fact. >> All right. All right. We got something over there. And believe me, that's a convenient. Oh, that's a very convenient. Well, look, all you got to do is open the door, step outside, and there you are. >> There you are. >> Yeah, >> there you are. Where? >> Outside. >> Well, suppose you want to get back in again. >> You had no right to go out. >> Well, don't do anything until I hear from you, will you? Say, maybe that's the painting down in the cellar. >> That's an old cellar. That's the roof. >> That's the roof down there. >> Yeah. You see, we keep the roof in the basement so when the rain comes, the chimney don't get wet. >> Well, uh, I'm going out and get x-rayed. I'll be back in a little while. I may be wonderful, but I think you're wrong, Rebelli. >> Hey, wait. Don't get him excited. Come here. Now, look. Here's the rooms. >> Those are the rooms. >> Yeah, right. There's the rooms. This is your room. This is my room. And this is the maid's room. >> Oh, I'd have to go through your room. >> [laughter] >> Ah, that's all right. I won't be in it. >> Say, Reveli, you uh you couldn't put the maid in your room, huh? >> What makes you think I couldn't? >> Well, there's going to be a lot of traffic in there. I can see that. >> Well, what do you say? You're ready to sign the lease? >> Well, it's a little premature. I'd like to discuss it with my husband. Could you come back this evening when he's home? >> Hey, you married? >> Why? I've got a girl as big as you are. >> All right, get me one. Don't get vulgar. Reveli Relli, how about the painting? Oh, >> we take care of that. All right. Now, I tell you what my idea is. I think the kitchen should be white outside the green inside of Sice with the >> painting, I say. How about the painting, Relli? >> All right. What do you think I talk? That's a painting. The kitchen white outside the green inside of >> the painting. The painting that was stolen. >> Stolen? >> Don't you remember, Mrs. Written? The house lost a valuable Bogot oil painting worth $100,000. Don't you remember that? >> No. I'm a stranger around here. I don't remember that. Well, what do you think I am? One of the early settlers, Ralli, don't you remember Mrs. Bogard lost a valuable written house oil painting worth $100,000? Don't you remember that? >> No, but I've seen you someplace before. >> Well, I don't know where I was, but I'll stay out of there in the future. Hey, Cap, it come to me like a flesh. [clears throat] This painting wasn't stolen. Huh? You know what happened? This painting, Cap, is a disappear. And yes, it disappear. And you know what make it disappear? You'll never guess, Cap. What do you think of making this painting disappear? Huh? Morts. Morse. Eater. Lefthanded Morts. >> Go away. Go away. I'll be all right in a minute. Left-handed mods ate the painting. Eh, >> the answer to my own solution. >> I wish you were in it. Left-handed mods ate the painting. You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open. >> Hey, I got parachutes. You guys are crazy. >> Come on, let's get down and get the reward. We solved it. You solved it. The credit is all yours. The painting was eaten by a left-handed mo. >> Hey, you know, we did a good day's wife. >> How do you feel? Tired. >> Maybe you ought to lie down for a couple of years, eh? >> Why don't you just lie down until rigger mortar sets in? >> Look, I'll show you how we get the painting. >> Yeah. >> We'll go to court and we'll get out of rid of habius corpus. >> You're going to get rid of what? >> Oh, I should never have started that way. I can see that. I say I say we go to court and we'll get out of rid of habius corpus. >> Yeah, it's a corpus. It's a corpus. >> Didn't you ever see a habius corpus? >> No, but I see habius Irish rose. >> Hey, good morning. >> Good morning, >> Mr. Chandler. Why don't you go down to the beach with the others? I'm sure you'd feel better. >> If I had my boar, I'm sure I would feel better. >> Oh, but we're doing everything we can. >> Mrs. Wittenhouse. Mrs. Writtenhouse, I have it. >> The bug guard? >> Wonderful. My bog guard. I >> Wait, this is not my bog guard. This is a prank imitation. Where did you find it? >> Why in Mr. uh in Mr. Parker's room? Madam >> Parker? One thing is certain. The man who made that stole the boar. >> I find Mr. Parker and ask him to come here. >> Certainly, madam. >> Wait a minute. My men will bring him in. Go out and get Mr. Park. I'll listen. What's the matter with this? >> Well, look at here. You only need to look at it once to see what it is. It is a rank nothing. >> [music] [music] >> What's wrong? >> Without being pulled in, >> Mr. Parker, something very mysterious has occurred, and I'm afraid you're the only one who can explain. >> I'd be only too glad to if I can. >> Nothing mysterious about it. We found this in your room. Now, what have you done to the original Bulgard? Come clean. Come on out with it. >> Really? I think it would be what? >> Well, I have nothing to say except that I don't know where the Bulgard is. >> Well, how is it we found this in your room? Come on, you better come with me. You can take him [music] on my own [singing] home for my own. [singing] [music] >> This program is coming to you from the house of David. He's either got that suit on upside down or there is no law of gravity. Einstein or >> my tie. >> Oh, Captain, what shall I do? They're going to arrest John. >> Who's going to arrest John? >> I am, Captain. >> Oh, you are. E. Well, let me tell you something. The first thing they teach you at Scotland Yard is never to arrest an innocent man. >> But he's not innocent. I'll have to arrest him just the same. By all means, though, nobody will be safe here. >> You can't arrest him. I stole it. >> Annabella, >> don't listen to her, officer. I did it. They're both lying. I did it. I did it with my little hatchet. >> He's a crazy. He's a crazy. I confess I did it. >> Maybe nobody stole the painting. Maybe there was no painting. >> That's right. Maybe there was no painting. I saw it. >> Cut out all the talk. Who stole the painting? >> I I did. >> Good gracious. What in the >> What? You You took the picture. Where is it? Ah, that's a horse. The Bogard. That is my Bogard. >> No. Think of >> No, that isn't your Bogard. >> Don't be ridiculous. I paid $100,000 for this painting. I know what I bought. >> Well, look at the signature. >> John Parker. Somebody changed it. That is my board. That is the Bogard, I tell you. There it is. Ah, but that one that has the color, the depth, the soul of the bogar. Only a master could have produced A PAINTING LIKE THAT. >> JOHN, >> you mean to tell me that you painted that? >> Yes, sir. >> Why? Young man, you're a genius. You're a genius. I commission you to paint a portrait of me immediately. >> Well, you better wait until tomorrow. I'm going to be busy all day. >> Janet, >> you better come with me, young fellow. Don't take him away, officer. He returned the paintings. >> Pardon me. My name is Spalling. I've always wanted to meet you. >> All right, I let him go this time. But I want to give you some advice. You're running around with the wrong kind of people. Do you want to be a crook? Now, why don't you go home? >> He's got no home. >> Go home for a few nights and stay home. Don't you know your poor old mother sits there? Sits there night after night after night waiting to hear your steps on the stairs. Ain't got no stairs. And I can see a little light burning in the burning in the window. >> No, you can't. The gas company turned it off. >> Now, what I'm telling you is for your own And if you listen to me, you can't go wrong. This may go on for years. Now there's just one. >> I can't understand what's delaying that coffee pot. >> Where's the cream? >> Well, you certainly surprised me. >> Me, too. I thought he had more than that. There's no use giving you any advice, Captain. This time, I'm afraid I'll have to take them. Come on here. Come on. Come on. >> You want to have everybody >> Oh, my dear. >> Hey, what's the idea? >> Take on my lawyer. No, don't. Oh, no. Oh, no. No. Not to anybody. Oh. Oh. to think that I've got to go. So young. >> Good. Come on now. Let's get out of here before before they all wake up. HURRY UP. COME ON. COME ON. COME ON. Come on. >> [music] [music]