The Cheat Code for Controlling Conflict

I want you to first envision someone with a super strong frame here again. >> And you can see them on YouTube and people refer to these people as Karens. >> Show me which one of you is going to be a gentleman. Show me. >> That's the ultimate frame control because what do cops do when they encounter a Karen? >> They answer her questions. They explain what's going on. >> Ma'am, sit down in the car. >> No. No. >> She demands something and they start trying to explain themselves. >> Officer, did you just say what I said? You didn't because you don't care. See, you don't care about people. >> They jump into her frame automatically. >> Every meltdown, manipulation, blow up. It was never the worst. >> 2 minutes late. That's what your sign says. 30 minutes or it's free. >> It was never about what actually happened. >> Where's your manager? >> When you see someone freak out like that, their brain's reacting to danger and it's ego danger. There's an ego threat. >> You told me to leave. give you a diagnostic tool that lets you see exactly what's happening with that in real time. And once you see it, you're going to know exactly how to deal with it instantly, instantly in the moment. Here's the ego triangle. The model breaks down three core ego threats that cause humans to lash out and escalate and manipulate or shut down. So the three sides are identity is who I believe I am, how I need to be seen. Then we have control. This is our my ability to direct what happens next. Then we have safety. This is my sense of security status or my place in the tribe might be being threatened. So when one of those things gets activated, the brain goes full limbic mode. Logic gets completely bypassed. The behavior changes very quickly. But if you have two or more triggered at once, which is what usually happens in these big freakout videos that you see on YouTube, that's when composure pretty much turns into combat. This model explains narcissists, entitled people, power games, manipulation, but it gives you the tools to diffuse it in real time. Identity is essentially this is who I think I am. Do not threaten that. So identity threats are the most common and they're the most misread. This identity piece of the triangle that deals with a person's self-concept. This is our internal story. Who we believe we are, what we deserve, how other people should treat me. When that's threatened, people protect identity at all costs. They lie, they attack, they play the victim, they posture, and they don't do any of this to deceive. It's all survival. Because to the ego, identity equals safety. And that's a big deal. The subcategories of identity are a self-concept breakdown. This is not who I am. They get defensive when their behavior doesn't match self-image. There's narrative violation. You're ruining my story. Narrative violation. They have the internal script. I'm a good parent. I'm always the victim. I'm smarter than everybody. Something feels like an attacker that challenges that. Then we have a reputation threat. This is don't make me look bad. It's the social version of identity when somebody's embarrassed or exposed in front of other people. And the victimhood or moral superiority. I am the one who's been wronged, not you. Think about an argument you had with maybe a spouse, maybe a an ex, maybe a kid, where the argument was not about the issue. The argument was about which person was wronged. Then we have significance deprivation or how important somebody is. So you're acting like I don't matter. If someone's unseen or unagnowledged, they'll create drama just to reassert their presence. So they do get acknowledged again. They do get seen. If you hear phrases like, "Do not talk to me like that. You don't know who you're talking to. That's not what I meant. I am not the bad guy here. How dare you accuse me of that." That's identity. That's an attack on identity that just happened. Then we have part two of the triangle which is control. And control just says I need to feel like I have power and predictability. This side of the ego is about agency. It's our ability to influence what happens next. Avoid being helpless, exposed, or someone dictating what we're supposed to do. This is where we get reactants, right? So control is survival to the ego. Survival. So if that's taken away, even for a minute, the human animal jumps out to react because their mind is screaming, I'm not in charge and I can't handle that. So the categories of the control are a loss of perceived autonomy. This is the don't tell me what to do. Even if it's polite, direction can feel like a little power grab for some people. So the key here isn't control, it's perceived control. And the other one is the frame hijacking. don't try to rewrite what just happened. So if their version of reality is being overruled, they resist pretty hard. Then we have a public power disruption. This is like them saying, "Yeah, you just made me look like I'm not in charge here." Then we have the control deficit carryover. This is the biggest one you see on these internet videos and people freaking out in public. Control deficit carryover. This is I have no power in my life, so I'm going to take it right here. This explains the road rage stuff. the entitlement, the bullying, the Karen videos. It's people who feel powerless in the rest of their life. They're and they're overcorrecting in the one place they feel they can maybe take charge. And then we have an uncertainty collapse. If I can't predict what's next, I feel super unsafe. So, the brain hates that unpredictability. And especially to this person where their ego is tied into it. In this side of the triangle, this is where you're going to hear, "You're not listening to me. You're twisting my words around. I don't have to take this. I don't have to stand here and listen to this. And this one escalates super fast because control threats get louder before they get resolved. They have to go up before they can come down cuz I have to feel like I'm in control before I can relax again. So, it's just restoring dominance or the illusion of dominance. A lot of people think they're arguing about a topic with their spouse, a loved one, co-orker, whatever. You're fighting for frame control. You're trying to establish agency and power. And if you try to win that battle, you lose the person. If you feed them back a sense of control, you dissolve the threat completely. Then we have the safety side of this triangle. This is am I still secure, included, and protected right now? So has nothing to do with physical danger. Data safety and social position are the two big things here. And people react fast. They posture, shut down or they try to dominate. These aren't rational. It's just ego survival. So the subcategories of the safety threat side. First we have the status threat and this is you just made me feel small. So this isn't always about rank could be intelligence or IQ, maybe how good someone looks. After that we have a hierarchy disruption. And this is where we have a power imbalance and I'm losing. That's that's kind of what's going on there. And then we have contrasting authority. This is you're outclassing me or you're out hierarchying me. And I can feel that this someone enters the room with more composure, more confidence, more charisma. And it accidentally, not on purpose, accidentally makes other people feel unsafe, socially unsafe. Insecurity activation is probably the final one here. And this is the you just reminded me I am not enough. This is the big silent killer. People can get triggered by your success or how present you are just because it highlights their internal lack. Maybe a a spouse who picks a fight right after a really vulnerable moment. They get vulnerable and super open about something and then pick a fight. That happens to a lot of people. Safety is a the trickiest one because it shows up as like sarcasm, sabotage. They'll show it by changing the tone, flipping the meaning, or pull you off center. If I can pull you off center, I can make myself feel socially safe again. And keep in mind, we're talking about those other people. Um, but if you're honest, you know that we're also talking about you and we're talking about me included. So, chaos kind of starts when you combine a lot of these triggers. if I have identity and control being threatened where basically you're saying I'm not who I believe I am and I can't fix that. So that's kind of a narcissistic rage territory. If I have a control and safety together, this is panic. This is somebody saying I can't direct what's happening and now I don't feel secure. So it's control and safety and those usually go together. If there's identity and safety, this is you just made me feel small and like I don't belong here. It's a shame spiral. That's all it is. But if what if you have all three? This is I don't know who I am. I can't control this. And I don't feel socially safe. So that's the full system failure. All of the three threats. You get all the crazy stuff. If you have an endless argument that never stops that just keeps kind of looping back to the beginning. This is identity and control that you're dealing with. If you have all of a sudden someone storming out or yelling or screaming and it's a sudden spike, that's control and safety. What does a Chihuahua do? It's fear and there's a safety threat, right? I need to bark loud all of a sudden. If you have somebody mocking you or kind of really passive aggressive behavior, this is identity and safety threat. If you have rage and maybe a shutdown and fear in the eyes, you probably have all three of those things. Your job is to see all that clearly. Step one is recognize what shift took place. Step two, diagnose. So, here's how to tell if it's identity threat, sudden defensiveness, justifications, correcting how they're being perceived, they're rewriting something that just happened. they need to be right or innocent or smart or the cute one or the victim. If it's control, it's talking over other people, demanding their turn to speak. So, listen up for you're not hearing me, let me finish. You don't get to decide that they're trying to restore agency. And if we get to the safety piece, this is when somebody's getting sarcastic, they're getting socially weird, there's some subtle distancing going on, they're posturing, passive aggression, they shift to defensiveness or attachment. That's when you hear the must be nice, whatever. Uh, you just don't get it. Your next move should target the exact threat. If identity is threatened, you're going to reflect their self-concept respectfully. Never ever argue about what they are. You always offer clarification instead of correction. You might say something like, you know, I I know that you're not the kind of person who would do that intentionally. Absolutely. Or you might say, I've really apologized. Let me be more clear. I'm not questioning you, just the situation. If it's control that's being threatened, you might say, you know, I'm sorry. Let's back up. Maybe I said something wrong. I I really want to figure this out together with you. What do you need from me right now? You're giving them control, right? It's a little placebo, but it's you're giving them control. And then if it's a safety, you might say something like, "That's a totally fair response." And this stuff gets tense really fast. And I promise you're good. Nobody here is judging you. We're on the same side. Even if we don't see it the same way, I promise you, we're on the same side. And step four, watch for it stacking up. So always address the most activated threat first. Then step five, use the triangle to avoid triggering in the first place. So remember, remove pressure from that corner of the triangle. Speak to what their brain needs to reeregulate itself and avoid arguing with behavior. Speak to the threat underneath the behavior. One of your friends suddenly acts super cold after you say, "Hey, man. I just made 50K today or whatever." You mention a success. They go quiet or make a little sarcastic comment. That's a safety threat. Safety threat. So, it's the comparison triggered insecurity. And you might say something like, "Man, you have been absolutely killing it, too. We have totally different winds and the exact same mission." You might say something like that. reassure them of the safety. A frame is the invisible lens that defines what is happening and who's in charge of the meaning of a situation. Every conversation you've ever had in your life has a frame. It's never ever ever what's being said. It's what's being assumed. Is it a fight or a discussion? Is it blame or solution or is this person trying to help me or dominate me? So, whoever controls the frame will always control the context. So, it's the difference between someone saying you're attacking me versus we're just disagreeing. So, that's very very different. Those are two very different frames. Same situation, very different meaning because the frame is different. So, once the frame shifts, the power dynamic changes big time. And if you don't catch that, you're going to find yourself reacting inside of that other person's version of reality. So, let me go through the 10 things you should permanently delete and never do for the rest of your life in a frame attack. Ever. Never, ever, ever. Number one, never explain yourself under pressure. If you explain under pressure, you are submitting to a frame. Think about the phrase, you know, I I don't think you meant to, but that question is designed to put me in a position of justifying myself, and that's not a role that I'm taking on right now. Number two, never ever argue about your motive. If you're debating your own intent, they have already redefined your identity. So, for this one, think about the phrase, you know, that maybe you didn't intend to, but that comment puts me in a spot where I'm defending what kind of person I am, and I'm I'm not stepping into that box. Number three, never take the bait on character questions. This is the biggest one that you'll hear from narcissists. All of them are traps. 100% of character questions are traps. The goal is not to understand you. It's to label you. Think about the phrase, "Framing me like that forces me to argue about who I am. I can see the play and I'm I'm not stepping into it and I'm not saying you did that on purpose. Always give them the bridge to retreat. Right? So that's why we say maybe you didn't mean to. I don't think you meant to do that. Uh number four, never apologize to deescalate. This is what moms tend to do cuz they prioritize peace over everything, right? Moms want peaceful homes and and peaceful environments. So do dads. A lot of dads do. A false apology is admission of guilt in their frame. In that frame, especially in conflict. A phrase you might do here is, "I totally understand where you're coming from, but that would that would be me apologizing just to make this go away, and I owe you more honesty than that, and I respect us both too much to do that." Number five, never match emotion to prove your point. And this is the one most of us are guilty of. If you match intensity, it feels powerful. It feels good for a minute, but it signals emotional surrender. You have emotionally surrendered to that person's frame. You stay calm. And you might say something like, "If I raise my voice in order to be heard, then I've already given up control here." And that's not how I operate. I will never raise my voice in order to be heard. Number six, never accept their language without precision. Demand precision. If you hear words like disrespect or abuse or betrayal, they hijack the entire frame, the entire story, the whole narrative, unless they are challenged. You might say something like that word or or or those words carry a whole lot of weight. And if I accept them, I'm not speaking for myself. if I'm playing by a script that I didn't write. Or you might say, when you said the word blank, how do you define that? Clarity, demanding that clarity. So any of these attacks, you always go back on to them. You never defend yourself. You never make any response about yourself personally. Number seven is never answer the binary traps. And these are pretty common. These are the yes, no, uh either or kind of questions. And they're they're designed to corner you. and they're not real questions at all, but that's a trap disguised as a question. It's structured so that either answer makes me wrong and and I don't step into boxes like that. You're just saying, I don't I don't do that. I don't do those things. Number eight, never ever ever try to win through logic alone. Logic dominance does not resolve emotional framing. So, you might say something like, "If I decide to use facts here, I'm missing that this isn't about facts. It's about blank. And I totally see that. You might even say the word control. It's about control or it's about you feeling this. Number nine, never argue their feelings are wrong. So, you're going to end up defending your impact instead of holding what your ground is. And here's the a golden phrase I want you to burn into your mind. That line pushes me to take responsibility for how you feel instead of what I did. And I don't want that role in this situation. Number 10, never try to fix the person midconlict. This is what we all think we're going to do, right? We all secretly think, "I'm going to totally whip this [ __ ] into shape in the middle of this conflict. I'm going to fix them." Teaching, coaching, analyzing while they're trying to gain control triggers humiliation and shame. So remember, if you're stepping in to do that, that's not the way to do it. There's no phrase for this one. It's it's a dominance play, and you don't want to do that. So when it comes to framing, most of the problems that people deal with in communications do not start in the conflict. They start before it in the first 30 seconds. They start in that little gray area where nobody has defined who we are to each other, what the conversation's about, what the rules are, and what we are not going to do. If you don't set that, the other person's going to do that. So tactical prefring is how we get there first. We're going to hack their identity. You're the kind of person who blank blank blank. Then we're going to define the frame. This is about. So we give them a self-image. So step one would be like you you've always struck me as somebody who can handle straight talk. So I want to be very direct about this. So pre-framing identity. Now we set the frame. So we make them the kind of person who will accept the frame and then give them the frame and then we align with them. The third step here is to preframe the sides. you know, we're on the same side and you just say that like we're on the same team here. Even if we see this from different angles, I think we're on the same team and we have a lot more in common than I think we we we know about. Like here's what it would say at the very beginning of a conversation. I'll start back at step one. You know, thanks for coming in, John. You've always struck me as somebody who can handle straight talk. So, I want to be direct about this. My goal isn't to blame you or anything. I don't want to win or be right. I want to get both of us. I want to get this thing into a better place. And I want us on the same side of the table looking at the problem, not across from each other. Then we get into step four. This is where we use boundaries. So here's where you throw in the line of I really want to talk about this with you, but I'm not going to do shouting or insults. We can get into this as long as we keep to what happened and not what kind of people we are. And I'm sure you can agree with that, but I at least wanted to say it. And this next we seed the reputation. Basically, you're saying, "You're better than all the games people play." You're going to give them a status. They're going to feel shame associated with dropping. And you're going to say, "And you've always been fair with me, and that's why I feel safe being honest here." You know, one thing I respect about you is that you don't play around with half-truths. So, I want to put everything on the table right now. So, this is identity hacking. We're installing fair, honest, direct as part of their self-concept here. Then six, we're going to pre-frame the tone. This might be uncomfortable, but it won't be unsafe. And then we're going to pre-frame ownership to avoid that side of the triangle. So, we prevent a control battle by granting them agency at the beginning of this thing. You might say, you know, I'm going to lay out what I see and you'll decide what you want to do with it. I'm definitely not going to tell you what to do. And another one you might want to throw in there is time and scope. You might say, I don't want to turn this into a 3-hour marathon. Let's keep this tight and really focused. I just want to talk about this one situation and not the entire story. A lot of what people have at the beginning of stressful situations is this is never going to end. How long is this going to last? So, you kind of diffuse that. Then you can load in a vulnerability preframe if it's useful to you. Uh, I might get this wrong, but I'm trying to be real is basically what you're saying there. You might say, you know, and and granted, I want you to just hear me out. I'm not going to say all these things perfectly what we're going to be talking about, but I'd rather say it imperfectly than pretend that everything's just fine. so that later when they accuse you of not being precise with language, you can smoke them cuz you got them to make this agreement. And one thing that I say at the beginning of any of these is if I misread something here, I want you to tell me immediately. I'm open to being wrong. I'm very open to being wrong. Or if you're wanting to eliminate drama, you might say, "It's probably obvious, but let's just say it out loud. Can we agree to handle this like two adults who respect each other, even if we disagree?" Another one is you can preframe the outcome of a situation. This is where you're going to say what a good result looks like to this this person. You might want to say, you know, John, I think it's probably obvious, but I just want to say it out loud. If we both walk out of this with a clearer plan and less resentment, that's a win for me. I don't know about you. And of course, they're going to agree. And one good one for a argument, disagreement, or negotiation is, you know, I think a good outcome for me if you agree is that we both understand each other's position even if we don't change it. Let me give you these phrases that will instantly give you control over the frame in the middle of the situation. So, first is the neutral ground. You just say, "Let me zoom out for a second just to make sure that we're aligned. Now, think about if you pre-framed two or three things of all those preframes we just went through. At any time in that conversation, you can say, you know, John, let's zoom out for just for one second. I'm sorry. I just want to make sure that we're aligned." You're not saying that person is off. You say we might be misaligned. Then there's some curiosity. And this is just the framing curiosity is that's really interesting. Can you walk me through how you got to that? So you're leaning into something silly that they might have said just to drain the power out of it because if they have to reexplain something that was manipulative, it's always brilliant to do that. Get them to reexlain anything manipulative. And then the shared outcome reframe. This is at the end of the day, I think we're both trying to get the same outcome. We're I think we're just might be taking different angles. Then you have the concession. You might be right, but it doesn't change what needs to happen next. Or the option framing. You know, we can keep pulling this apart or we can focus on what we can actually affect right now. It's totally your call, though. And anytime somebody is bringing something up that's not relevant, you just say, "Let's circle back to that in just a bit. There's one part I want to lock in first that we're talking about right now and you bring back that it's something we're working on in the present moment. But then the one I want you to memorize permanently is this process language is this exact phrase right here. Here's where I got off track in the conversation. I started thinking that we were solving X, but we we might be on Y right now. So you use yourself as a reason for the confusion. Non-laming. It's self-reflective. You own the own the [ __ ] And one big one is smuggling in a frame and sneaking a frame and by asking a question, John, uh before we keep going, do you want to get to the truth here or just win this thing? And if they are honest and they say they're just trying to win, do you automatically nail them into not being truth focused? It's really great for people that are trying to make you look a certain way or they're more concerned with winning than doing the right thing. So here is how to disarm all frames. Number one, disarm the premise. The basic here is don't answer the question. You dismantle the assumption that the question is built on. So somebody says, why are you being so defensive? My question back is, what is it that makes you think being direct and defensive are the same thing? Or they might say, do you even care how that made me feel? Of course I care. I just don't accept the story that I don't. So, you're calling out the premise. The story that I don't care is what's unacceptable to me. Number two is calling out the real game. You ignore the surface and you name the move that somebody is doing. So, somebody says, "Are you really going to pretend that this isn't your fault?" And your response is talking about exactly what's happening. You say, "That's not a question. That's a setup. You're just calling it out loud." If somebody says you're just going to walk away like like nothing happened. You just say what's happening. So your response might be you're not asking that to understand. You're trying to control how I respond. Number three, redirect to intent. Don't answer. Ask why they're asking. So somebody says, "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" And your response is, "Are you asking because you want clarity or because you want to be upset?" How could you make that decision without me? Uh before I answer that, what are you hoping to get from this? So you're redirecting to their intent behind what's going on. Number four is keep the frame on process, not blame. Process, never blame. The main tactic here is to refocus on forward motion instead of guilt. So somebody says, uh, why didn't you just follow the plan or why didn't you just do the thing? We're already here. What matters now is what we do next. Or maybe a boss at work says, you know, why didn't you tell me this was a problem earlier? I think it's important to you that we not keep unpacking the past. I think what you want to really do right now is fix it. And then we have tactical curiosity. This one's pretty easy. You're just turning the question back into their logic. So somebody says, "Do you absolutely think that that was the right call?" Imagine this as a response. You say, "Walk me through what you would have done differently." Or somebody says something like, "What made you think that was a good idea?" Good question. What outcome uh do you think I was trying to get? And then I would say controlled agreement is very very good to be able to use when you need it. Controlled agreement, but you're giving them a win and then guiding direction after that. So somebody says, "Don't you think you owe me an apology?" Your response could be, "Uh, it's possible. I also think that we need to look at what really broke down here." Or somebody says, "So you admit that you screwed this up. I can see parts that I would do differently, and I still stand by the core decision." My favorite of all, and this is my number one top favorite, is answering the real question. So, they ask you one question, but you answer the one that's way buried underneath it. So, you're bypassing the surface. Respond to the emotional message under there. So, somebody says, "Why don't you ever listen to me?" And you say, "It feels like you're not being heard. I'd love to change that." Or if they say, "How could you miss something that obvious?" You're frustrated and I hear that and I I totally get why you're responding to what's underneath. Anytime you hear binary, refuse it. Nothing's binary. So somebody says like, "Were you being selfish or just careless?" The way that you framed that misses the point entirely. Then we we can redirect to a shared outcome here. So this is a great one to practice on very regular basis. We're killing the challenge by reentering on what we both want. Why won't you just take the blame for this? Because this isn't about blame. It's about fixing it so it doesn't happen again. Permissionless reframe is never argue, defend, just drop your own frame and keep moving. So somebody says, "Do you really think that you handled all that really well?" You say, "It surfaced what needed to be seen, which is progress." How do you not see what you just did as something wrong? What I see is a chance to address the real breakdown underneath it. The number one way to reassert a frame is to ask someone, "What makes you say that?" Just those words, if you want to kind of wrap this entire thing up, is what is it that makes you say that? And making them start to justify themselves. And the big question is, have you won more arguments than you've solved problems? And that causes somebody to kind of go back in their head cuz it's kind of a little confusing question. And if the answer is yes, then they can see their own fault and you don't need to point it out. If the answer is no, they automatically get redirected back to the thing of solving a problem. And if you want to try it a different way, you use that question as a compliment. And you might say, "We may be getting off track here." And I got to say, you look, you sound like the kind of person who's won a lot more arguments and you've solved problems, but I don't want to do that here. I don't want to argue, and I'm willing to lose if that's what's going to make you feel good. But I think we're both aligned on solving this thing. >> Authorities are reporting a citywide manhunt underway. >> Officials. The world is breathing. A fragile sound. No echoes here on sacred ground. A quiet pose, a steady beat. The truth we feel in simple heat. Bare footsteps on hollowed ground. A sacred rhythm we have found out. The world just breathes and I can feel it. A perfect promise. Can't conceal it. Just shadows leaning on the light. Another beautiful quiet night. The past is gone, but we remain washing over all the pain. A simple truth, a feeling pure, a soft connection to endure. Oh, the world just breathes and I can feel it. A perfect promise. Can't conceal it. Just shadows leaning on the light. Another beautiful quiet night. Oh, it's quiet night. What makes forever and our world just breathes.