Did we choose the life we hate?

Hi. Today, I want to talk to you about whether or not we choose the life that we hate so much. And this comes from someone who went through abuse. So, they say everyone's been dealt the same cards, right? I'm sure we all heard this phrase before. See, I grew up in poverty. I was abused for 16 years in my childhood. Started at a very young age. And I grew up in a very dysfunctional family dynamic. So, at 19 years old, I basically discovered that everything that I went through wasn't normal. I know that's very late, but I didn't I didn't actually see other families from the inside. So, I never actually saw how another family was functioning. And at 19 years old, well, I knew that many things were wrong. And that was the moment where I actually said and realized how screwed up it all was. So, that was the moment that I realized that I had to grow up differently and that I had to rewire and re-parent myself entirely. At some point, I really had to choose cuz you know, you can you can imagine that my life was literally hell before. I felt it in my body. I felt it I had anxiety. I had so many things that were normal for a young woman my age. I mean, I also I didn't choose to go through all of that. And according to my odds and ACEs and whatnot, I was literally destined to fail. Whether whether I would pick pick my life back up at 19 or not, according to the ACEs, the odds, the cards that I was dealt, I was destined to fail. I was destined to fail in life. Was destined to fail in interpersonal relationships. I was destined to become an addict. And you know, the numbers and the statistics are really hard to watch. You just have to like if you have some time left, look up ACEs. I check off all the boxes apart from two or something. So, my odds were close to zero. And that was just painful to watch. It was a few months ago that I went on the website and I was like, "Okay, if I had to if I saw this at 19, if I knew this existed at 19, I would like feel so lost. I would literally think that my entire life that I was doomed, that I was broken beyond repair. And not to mention that I already felt like that apart from like seeing statistics and knowing what what happened to me and what I was looking at in terms of healing and re-parenting for that matter. At a point, I had to choose whether I would stay like this, if I would stay in this dynamic, if it and anything basically that I knew. But I also didn't realize how bad it was because I haven't talked to anyone about it. And I I had like there were moments where I asked to go to police as a young child. I don't know where I picked that up, but there was a moment later on where I just settled like this is life. This is my normal, I guess. And maybe this is also the normal of so many other kids. I don't know. So, those were thoughts that were playing in my head. And I really thought that that that would would be my life. And at 19, I remember that I really had to choose to break out of that, but that wouldn't be the easiest task. Because where I was at at the time, you know, I didn't have I didn't have anything. I didn't have a degree. I didn't have um a stable home. I didn't I I was so poor. I I literally had nothing. I had no one to fall back on because if I were to tell my story, if I were to grow and heal, then I mean, I would literally disappoint everyone. So, growth and healing was uncomfortable, unpredictable. And you have to know like if you grow up with abuse, the the level of unpredictability is already so high. Like even a change of expression, if I meet up with a loved one and I see expressions change, I know that that would have been a trigger of mine. So, I know I still see it. I'm I'm still aware of all that. And you also have to realize that you know, if we say like do we choose the life that we hate so much, at that point, at the lowest point, at rock bottom, you know that if you heal, there is such a long way from where you're at to having it amazing, having an amazing life. You know that you already have to climb up a very big ladder to get to just good, to just comfortable. So, I was looking at a road that I was dreading to walk. But you know, I was always surviving. I was surviving in my own home. I was surviving with money when it came to money. I was surviving when it came to relationships. I was surviving on every aspect of my life. And all I wanted was to just live. And I don't have to tell you how hard the first years of healing were. And I'm saying the first years, but I can definitely tell you it was the first decade. It was so lonely. I saw friends come in and leave. I didn't know how to set proper boundaries yet. I had no one because I I started asking asking questions, right? And so if you ask questions and people have like if you carry the secret and people don't want you to get the secret out or talk about this, then they will find ways to punish you. And some ways is just making sure that you are the one who is estranged and alienated. So, you are the weird one and you're the one who is breaking everyone up. So, it was a very lonely healing journey, I have to say. And I had a feeling that no one could understand that what I was going through. I had a feeling that I was so incredibly lonely. And at that point, I already spent 30 years in pain. Maybe a little less cuz the first 5 years of my life were as far as I can remember from the very few memories that I had were okay. We're good. So, I went through hell for another 10 years. Therapy that didn't match with me. It wasn't what I needed. And I had the feeling that I wasn't helped properly or that the therapist just wanted to see me come back for another consultation. I lost a lot if not all of the people that I thought I could trust. I was estranged from family. And I also was diagnosed with incurable chronic illnesses. But you know what? I took matters into my own hands. I intervened. I did not want to settle for that life that I hated so much. Like I would not settle. I would not stop there. I fixed my chronic illnesses. Believe it or not, I had IBS, CFS. Those were the two that I was diagnosed with. I was medicated. And I don't have any freaking symptom to this day. I haven't had a symptom in years. I started my own business. I landed an article in freaking Forbes. I did so many cool projects. I'm working on a book. I have an amazing support team behind me. I fixed my mindset. I I can honestly say I self-healed entirely cuz I didn't have any feeling that just the conventional therapy was working for me. I literally I wish there was someone like me like or that I met my future self so that I could get advice from someone who actually experienced all of that. I fixed the relationship with my body like in terms of intimacy and sexuality and you know, being able to get into relationships, letting people in. And I have to tell you it took a lot of effort and pain and determination. And I had to let go of everything and everyone that I knew. Like I felt the floor literally shake underneath my feet. There was no stability. There was an insane amount of loneliness. Like I cannot stress the amount of loneliness that I felt. And I have to I have to be honest, in that decade of healing, there were some times that I literally wanted to turn around and just go back to what I knew. I mean, it's not like I want like I didn't want to go back to like base. But I just like there were times that I really wanted to give up where I really wanted to like okay, I'm just going to settle for this. Cuz moving forward is so hard and literally something that no one talks about is the abuse is so painful, but gosh, healing healing is another another amount of pain. Really, like especially with childhood sexual abuse, like you don't know better. You literally don't know better. You don't know that there's a better life out there. You're a child, you grow up like this. This is your your blueprints. You literally if you are an adult and you realize what has all been happening in your life so far, you have to rewire that entire blueprint. You have to just re-parent yourself from scratch. You have to erase yourself, go back to strike one, strike zero, I don't know, and build yourself back up from there. That was the most painful, yet rewarding thing I've ever done. Like it's good on the other side, but I went through hell when I went through the healing journey. The belief alone that it requires for you to realize that you were worthy of a successful, beautiful, amazing, abundant life coming from feeling the most worthless you can imagine yourself to feel, that's a hell of a road. I always ever since I was a little child, I always told myself like this cannot all be for nothing. Like all this pain, all this hardship, this adversity, it cannot all be for nothing. And I feel like cuz I came out on the other end, right? I I'm incredibly happy right now. I have healed myself so much. I literally tried everything under the sun when it came to healing. I tried therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, coaches. I did freaking fire walks. I smashed my fist through wood. I had mentors. I I literally tried and did it all. I did EMDR. I did cognitive behavioral therapy. I did trauma work, anger management. I almost cannot believe that I did all of that in a decade, but gosh. And eventually to eventually land on oh yeah, self-healing is what helped. Like I could have saved myself so much just by knowing what I know today. Isn't that always like that? And I think like if I were to meet my child self, I would say like today I'm inspiring. Like hopefully I'm pretty positive that I am inspiring other women who are looking at me and are hopefully saying to themselves like I can do that, too. I can do that, too. Like that's my goal. You know what? I had a life that I hated so much. I hated so much. Like there was so much evil rooted in my life. I took on every aspect one by one. I tried directions and failed, redirected myself, failed again, until I freaking won. That was my goal. I'm just going in certain directions and I I will find myself winning at the end. And then when I won, I would just go level up and win again. And then win again and win again. Cuz as I mentioned, you have this feeling that you start so low and you cannot look at I don't know, like millionaires or or billionaires and people who are leading a fabulous life cuz that is just so far away. You have to make like these side quests for yourself. Like okay, when I get there, then I will I will see what's next. Okay, so we're going to get there. Okay, I'll see what's next. And then you know, you you grow constantly. I know I hated the this life so much and I I cannot even stress how much I dreaded my own life for the longest period, still for the majority of the life that I'm on this earth at this point. So, I didn't choose for this all to happen. I didn't choose for the cards that I was dealt, but I also didn't settle for it. I didn't settle. I didn't say like okay, so this is what we're working with, I guess. I guess they're right. I guess statistics are right. We're just going to, you know, do whatever they say I will end up as. I didn't give up and turned my life around. I know here and there I hear people complain and they're complaining about little things about oh yeah, traffic was this or uh oh, I'm not like my sister something and I'm like or I don't have a boyfriend. I don't know. Um I'm like okay, I'm I'm not I'm not going to be like some people have it worse, but I'm I am going to be thinking you can you can do something about that. Like you can do something about that mindset and life will be so much brighter in the end. Like you will attract people who love being around you. You will meet your partner eventually if you're a fun person to be around. Such things will resolve itself. It won't require you to turn your entire life around. But if you went through things that does require you to turn your life around, I also want to tell you that you can. There are possibilities. We have all these opportunities. You can do this. I want to tell you that you may not have chosen the life and the cards that you've been dealt when you were young, when you came to this earth, but right now I want you to believe in a beautiful, successful, abundant, glorious life for you because that is possible. Even after the life that you had to survive in and escape from, it is possible. So, let this be your sign that you, too, are ready to step into your dream life. If you want to see these videos early, please join my Patreon. I'll leave the link in the description below. Thank you so much for watching. Let me know how you like this video and if you want to see more and I will see you in the next one. Bye.