なぜ日本人は恋人がいても言わないの？ Why Japanese People Hide Their Relationships (N2/N3)

Good job today, everyone. I'm Yuriko from Otsukare Japanese. On this channel, together with all of you studying Japanese, we slowly and enjoyably learn Japanese language and culture before going to sleep at night. Thanks to all of you, this channel has reached 10,000 subscribers. Actually, it's one of my small dreams... well, not small. One of my big dreams is to have 100,000 subscribers on YouTube. So since I'm aiming for 100,000 subscribers, if there's anyone watching regularly who hasn't subscribed yet, I'd be really happy if you subscribed right now. Okay. So, I'd like to get into today's topic. Today, I want to talk about a question I often get from people overseas. And that question is:

"Why do Japanese people hide the fact that they have a partner?" <font color=#000000FF>#35 Why Do Japanese People Hide Their Relationships?</font> Recently, I've gotten comments saying that "Japanese people" is too broad of a generalization. And of course, there are people who aren't like this at all, and there are also people who are the complete opposite. So I hope you'll listen with the understanding that I'm talking about a general image that applies to maybe about half of people. Anyway, getting back to the point, apparently this feels very strange to people overseas. For example, even if they become close with a Japanese person, they often can't tell whether that person has a partner or is married. Even when they check social media, there are no photos of a partner at all. And even after talking every day, six months later they suddenly find out,

"Wait... you were actually married?!" In many cultures, people are much more open about their relationships, so this Japanese way of thinking might seem very mysterious. But actually, rather than Japanese people being cold or secretive, I think it's more that the Japanese sense of personal boundaries in relationships is quite unique. So today, I'd like to slowly talk about why Japanese people don't openly talk much about having a partner. First of all, in Japan, romance is considered something very private. Of course, it depends on the person. Some people are very open and post tons of photos of their partner on social media. But overall, there's a strong feeling that romance is something personal. For example, in Japan, people usually don't ask about personal things like income, religion, or politics when meeting someone for the first time. I've also heard people say that even talking about which baseball team you support can be considered something you shouldn't casually mention.

It's kind of interesting, isn't it? And romance is often treated in a similar way. So even asking, "Do you have a boyfriend?" or "Do you have a girlfriend?" can feel a little too intrusive depending on how close you are to that person. Of course, friends ask each other that all the time. But if someone you're not very close to asks you that, some people might feel surprised and think,

"Why do they want to know something like that?" Also, in Japan, there's this atmosphere of not showing off your happiness too much. To explain it with a somewhat difficult expression, there's a saying:

"The nail that sticks out gets hammered down." And this isn't limited to happiness. Basically, it means that people who stand out too much are likely to be pushed down by others. People who stand out are more likely to be criticized, or if you act differently from those around you, you may be pressured to conform. If you disrupt group harmony, you may face social pressure.

It's a very famous saying in Japan. So not showing off your happiness to others is considered very important. Very important, actually. And honestly, I don't know exactly why, but I feel that in Japan there are these three negative emotions deeply rooted in society:

jealousy, envy, and resentment. Wait, sorry — jealousy, resentment, and envy. Right. Jealousy is when you want something another person has and feel dissatisfied. And envy is a little darker than jealousy — it's when you don't feel happy about someone else's success. Resentment is the lingering anger that remains after being hurt by someone. So there are these words in Japanese:

resentment, jealousy, and envy. And because of that, there's definitely a strong culture of not openly displaying your happiness too much. It's interesting, isn't it? For example, in some countries, it's completely natural to post photos with your partner, share anniversary posts, or introduce someone by saying,

"This person is my partner." But in Japan, some people may see that as showing off. Of course, not everyone feels that way.

But if you show off your happiness too much, it can make the atmosphere feel a little uncomfortable. So I think many Japanese people tend to express even happy things in a modest way. For example, even if they're actually very happy, they might say,

"It's nothing special," or "It's just normal." I think this is also connected to Japan's culture of modesty. Also, Japanese people tend to care a lot about maintaining harmony with those around them. For example, if only one person at work talks a lot about their love life, they might worry that it could make others uncomfortable — maybe some coworkers are single, or maybe some are struggling with relationship problems themselves. So a lot of people think, “Maybe there’s no need to bring it up in the first place.” Also, I feel like in Japan, people are actually more interested in hearing about relationships that are going badly rather than relationships that are going well. For example, someone might say, “I met a nice girl on a dating app, but then she suddenly ghosted me,” or “I got married, but my wife turned out to be emotionally unstable, and we might already get divorced.” Things like that — it’s more like… rather than happy relationship stories, people find it easier to talk about shocking or negative stories like those. And it also feels like that’s the kind of thing people around them want to hear. After all, in Japan there’s the phrase “kuuki wo yomu.” Have you all heard of it before? “Kuuki” means “air,” and “yomu” means “to read.” Basically, “reading the air” means sensing the atmosphere of the situation, other people’s feelings, and things that aren’t directly spoken aloud. A lot of people naturally think things like, “Maybe now isn’t the right time to talk about this.” Another interesting thing is that in Japan, it’s not necessarily that people are hiding the fact that they have a partner — a lot of people just don’t really talk about romance much at all. Especially men. Of course it depends on personality, but there are genuinely many men who rarely talk about their love lives. So even if someone from overseas asks, “Do you have a girlfriend?” they might answer vaguely like, “Well… kind of.” Actually, I had an experience like this myself back when I worked in an office. There was this really handsome senior coworker I thought was super nice, and when I invited him out to lunch on a day off, he said, “Sure, let’s go.” So naturally I assumed that if he was willing to go out to eat alone with a junior coworker on his day off, maybe he didn’t have a girlfriend… but he actually did. And on top of that, there were even rumors that he was cheating with another woman from a different company. I remember thinking, “Wow… that’s pretty bad,” and being really shocked. So yeah, a lot of people — especially men — don’t really give off that obvious “I have a girlfriend” vibe. Women, on the other hand, do sometimes gush about their relationships. At my workplace, there were far more men than women overall, so there honestly wasn’t much jealousy between the women. Maybe because of that kind of atmosphere, women could talk about relationships relatively openly, and it felt fine even if they bragged a little about their partners. But I feel like there were very few men who openly talked proudly about their relationships. Japanese also tends to have a lot of indirect expressions, especially among men. For example, instead of directly saying, “We’re dating,” some people say things like, “Something like that,” or “Well, kind of.” I think people overseas might find that a little strange. Also, in Japan, some people worry that if others find out about their relationship, it could change their social dynamics. For example, even if two people are dating within the same workplace, there are people who tell almost nobody about it. That’s because they worry about rumors, people acting awkwardly around them, or things becoming uncomfortable if they break up. That’s what people always say: “It’ll be awkward if we break up.” So a lot of people think it’s more peaceful not to say anything. This might also be connected to the Japanese tendency to avoid creating conflict or tension. Also, the way people use social media in Japan may be pretty unique too. To begin with, I get the impression that not many people in Japan have public accounts. Especially among people younger than me, I rarely see public accounts at all. Of course, because I use Instagram and things like that for work, my account is public rather than private. But I think around 90% of my younger sister’s friends and my old school friends all have private accounts. A lot of people in Japan care deeply about privacy, so many choose to keep their accounts private. I think overseas it’s more common to post pictures with your partner, but in Japan there are also many couples who don’t show each other’s faces online. Like posting only a photo of their backs or just their hands. In Japanese, we call these kinds of subtle hints “niowase.” For example, posting a picture of matching keychains or something similar — that kind of hinting-style post is pretty common. But at the same time, some people think, “You’re basically just showing off anyway,” so these days more people don’t post their partners on social media at all. Yeah, exactly. I think a lot of people simply don’t want to expose too much of their private lives online. And some people may also dislike turning their relationships into content. Also, in Japan, romance is often considered something very private and personal. Rather than something to show publicly, it’s viewed as something just between two people. So there are still many people who feel uncomfortable showing affection in public, although things are gradually changing. One thing I’ll never forget happened when I was probably in either third or fourth grade in elementary school. For the first time in my life… that day, I was riding my bicycle. Since I lived in Kamakura, I was waiting at an Enoden railroad crossing. Then the crossing gates came down with the “clang clang clang” sound, and while I was waiting there on my bike, the foreign couple standing right in front of me suddenly started kissing. In my whole life, I’d never even seen my mom and dad kiss. Actually, not just my parents — I’d never really seen anyone kissing before. So I was completely shocked, like, “What is this?” Honestly, it might still be one of the most surprising things that’s stayed vividly in my memory even now. When I think about it, Kamakura has always been popular with foreign visitors, but I definitely feel like there have already been lots of foreigners visiting there for at least the past 20 years. Anyway, I got a little off topic there. So, yeah. Public displays of affection are still pretty uncommon in Japan. Of course, things have been changing recently, and younger people are becoming a bit more open. I think you see more couples holding hands or hugging in public now. But when it comes to kissing in public, I think a lot of Japanese couples still find it pretty embarrassing. Yeah, definitely. And this gets into a slightly deeper topic, but… Hmm. I think people often live while hiding part of their true selves. And I feel like that tendency is especially strong in Japan. Mm. There’s this strong tendency to play the role that’s expected of you, maybe more than in some other countries. For example, when someone works at a restaurant or a hotel, they kind of become “the restaurant staff” or “the hotel staff,” right? They behave the way someone in that role is expected to behave. I think that’s actually something many foreigners find surprising about Japan. In other countries, there are lots of people who just interact with customers as themselves. But in Japan, people often provide the kind of service the place expects from them. Even if it doesn’t completely match who they really are, they hide part of themselves and become the person they’re expected to be. I think people probably act a little differently depending on the situation — like your work self, your friend self, your family self, or your romantic self. So maybe romance is considered something very personal and close to your private self. That’s why showing that side of yourself publicly can feel embarrassing, and even if someone has a partner, they may not openly talk about it. There are a lot of people like that in Japan. But on the other hand, I think Japanese people can have really deep conversations with people they truly trust. Even someone who never talks about romance at first might suddenly open up once you become close to them. So in Japan, instead of revealing everything right away, there’s maybe a stronger sense of slowly building the relationship over time. Of course, this doesn’t apply to every Japanese person. Some people are very open and talk a lot about relationships. But as a general cultural tendency, I think romance is still considered something very private in Japan. So if you have a Japanese friend or someone you like, and you’re not sure whether they have a partner, it might not mean they dislike you. It’s just that in Japan, people tend to treat those kinds of personal matters very carefully. So, with that said, today I talked about why Japanese people sometimes hide the fact that they have a partner. What about in your country? Are people open about relationships? Or is there also a culture like Japan where people don’t talk about it very much? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Alright everyone, thank you for your hard work today. Good night.