جلسات #مع_نفسي 17 ... قراءة النفس ... بر الوالدين ... ثانوية عامة ... تخصص جامعي

Dr AbdulRahman: Hello sir. The Host: Hello. Dr AbdulRahman: Did you sit with yourself? The Host: No, it turned out harder than I thought. Last session’s prescription was to sit with ourselves for a while However, I felt that it’s not as easy as it sounds. Dr AbdulRahman: This -frankly speaking- is one

of the reasons why some people hesitate

about revisiting the clinic They thought it’s cute and cool

to ‘sit with oneself’, they then realize opening the cellar

is like opening pandora's box, and when I advise some of them

to take my introspection booklet; a booklet I prepared which addresses all stages of a person’s life, from the day he was born until this moment if they’re able to answer the questions,

they will learn what's good and ugly about themselves. The Host: Is this booklet available to anyone? Dr AbdulRahman: It’s available and accessible online . I can provide it to you in sha Allah. The Host Great. Dr AbdulRahman: I updated it recently. Its purpose is to help people learn about themselves. However, people return to me asking: “What is this Doctor? we discovered horrible things!” I say: It's alright, at least now you know what is inside of you, better than living thinking everything is alright that there’s no issues,

and be completely oblivious to the issues inside you, not knowing what resides inside of you!

Therefore, it’s normal to find it somewhat difficult. It’s natural to feel like:

"How can I be so unaware of myself?” That’s why the challenge was:

"Turn off your phone and practice solitude” This takes us to an important point

we will discuss towards the end of our sessions: the importance of practicing solitude. Why do people feel relatively calmer during Ramadan? Because they are forced to perform acts of worship (ibadaat) away from people We sometimes even fall short

with these ibadaat by doing them in groups, like in taraweeh and qiyam all with the same people! Brother, practice solitude Be somewhere where no one knows you! Sit alone with our Lord. “No we do this and that with that person,

and after taraweeh we go out together, to get a drink. Habibi! The anticipated time of the year has come to practice solitude [and you’re wasting it]! Alright, basically it’s natural to feel difficulty in the beginning Then gradually you will feel: What is this?

There is a sweetness I didn't know existed. I want to practice solitude everyday! The Host: Alright, is there a specific way to read ourselves?

To get the most out of it? Dr AbdulRahman: Remember when we talked about

the self and the cellar towards the end of the last session, and we’re sitting in the hall with guests,

while leaving [ourselves in the cellar] The first thing you need to do now is

open the door, and tell them to Kindly leave. Please, I need to sit with myself! This requires an important component,

which is to drop others from your concern If you can’t do that, I’m sorry

not sorry to tell you that you won’t be able to introspect, nor be able to practice solitude.. The Host: What does it mean to drop others from your concern? Dr Abdulrahman: It means to tell them

“No, I can’t make it today!” Or “I apologize, I can’t receive anyone today!” Or “I can’t take on this task today!” We aren’t not used to saying “No” We are scared of disappointing others

even if at our own cost. So, you need to first open the door

and tell people "Please leave.” “What? Are you kicking us out?”

“Yes, I am” The Quran clearly says:

{And if you are asked to go back,

go back, for it is purer for you} (24:28) Sufyan Al-Thawri says: “I spent years implementing verses of the Quran with only one verse remaining, until I did implement it, how?

He went to visit a friend and knocked on his door He told him: Go back. He [Sufyan] said:

“I wasn’t offended at all, so I knew I was fine!” Try it yourself, evaluate yourself in the next few days. How many people in your close circle would go back without feeling sad,

if you tell them to go back? The Host: It would be considered humiliation! Dr Abdulrahman: Exactly, but train yourself

to tell people I’m honest, I’m clear. When I want to sit with you,

I will sit with you. but I don’t like welcoming you

and telling you to feel at home, while I can't even stand your existence!

Why do all that? The first thing you need to do is open the door

And tell people: Please, leave. For my sake. My self is more important

and am responsible for {Truly he succeeds that purifies it,-} Not that purifies them

And {he fails that corrupts it!} (91: 9-10) Not them! Second: I recommend

using the introspection booklet that I told you about Some may say: “Can I do without it?”

Of course Sit with yourself and write down any thought

that crosses your mind, it reveals the underlying accumulated feelings A lot will come out, write it all down,

it’s important to see it with your eyes, Thirdly: After sitting alone and revealing your thoughts whether with the booklet or not, I advise you to ask yourself right away:

“What are my strengths, which I need to solidify and what are my weaknesses

that I need to eliminate or discipline” We will talk about this point during the next session which is accepting your weakness, The Host: Alright Doctor, what is the first thing

I’m supposed to read about myself? What is the first aspect to focus on? Dr AbdulRahman: First thing-

Remember the term that people may

ask what’s new about it? The first thing you should understand is: You are a creation. The Host: What is the point of knowing this? Dr Abdulrahman: To know that

you are not a God. How does this benefit you? To learn that you’re deficient, needy, poor, weak. Our issue is that we treat ourselves like angels when we err, we’re ruthless to ourselves, we don’t accept any mistake, nor weakness. Along with that come the cliche examples in sermons “A person was performing Qiyam in one Rak'ah” While you sit there bashing yourself

“What is this? I’m nothing in front of him, I’m going to hell” Habibi, if you pray the five daily prayers

and perform your duties, that’s good and blessed. If you lower your gaze, that’s good & blessed

If you have reading Quran daily, that’s good & blessed. You can’t compare yourself to exceptional historical figures, which some of them are falsely narrated and seek the illusion of perfection.

We’ll discuss this further when we talk about “accepting weakness” Anyway, first: understand that you’re a creation - A creature that's composed of two parts: A soul & a body The Host: The point about “not comparing yourself to others” isn't this calling for complacency? To remain isolated, and do what I can

and abandon what I can’t do, Dr Abdulrahman: That might be right, if we didn't start with:

{Truly he succeeds that purifies it} If not then you’d be right,

When we talk about “accepting weakness” we will give a Quranic prescription of 5 verses

when you put them together you won’t have an excuse! We’ll discuss it later,

we’re not calling for negligence This is a call to be realistic, practical, logical and honest,

to read yourself and be busy with it I taught my girls: there is no such thing as

“I want to take the first place” But rather: “I want to understand this subject

I want to conquer myself Since I could not do that last week,

But now I can!” I am competing with myself. Moreover from a linguistic perspective,

the word Munafasa (competition) is measured by “Mufa’la”(action)

remove any affixes, what do you get? “Nafs” (Self)!

Your real challenge is with yourself. A deadly parenting mistake we do

when we meet a child. is that we first ask for his name and his school.

That way we summarize his life in his name and school. To make things worse, we ask

if he’s the first in class! Immediate knockout! We taught him to realise his value

through studying and grades. Instead, you could ask about his name,

his hobbies, or what he is playing with, the things he’s good at,

“I heard you have a nice voice.” We do nothing of that sort!

We define a person by their name, school, and grades! The Host: Doctor, if we talk about parents,

since now it’s exams’ season. They put a huge pressure on their kids Dr Abdulrahman: Exactly! The Host: How could parents treat their children

through this concept? To accept their child’s weaknesses? Dr Abdulrahman: Parents need to accept the fact

that their children have personalities of their own They’re not carbon-copies of them, They have to accept these differences.

It's the beauty of diversity. If you want a copy of yourself, then look in the mirror! It’s only natural, for differences enrich life. Imagine what would happen if you lived with a carbon-copy of yourself. You would go crazy!

We can’t stand ourselves! The beauty of variation is

having someone different from you! When we started introducing solid foods

to our daughters, I nearly fell into this trap! I wanted to prepare eggs in the same way I eat them,

But I stopped, and prepared the eggs as they are, without even salt!

to let them eat the eggs in the way they wanted! My daughters now eat healthier than me! If I made it the way I wanted -eggs are just an example,

apply it to clothing style, etc.- they would be a copy of me!

Whereas when I gave them options they turned out healthier than me,

whom supposedly should be better and more knowledgeable. Give your son the option to make his own decisions,

So that he won't mourn it 20 or 30 years later, and hold a grudge against you that you won’t know about because he is afraid of even expressing himself. The Host: Alright, as a high school student

how do I accept that I’m weak, while at the same time continue to excel in my studies? Dr Abdulrahman: This question applies to what we said: Drop others from your concern. Most if not all high school issues that I get,

revolve around what others think or around distractions like TV and Instagram There is an American study

about the amount of time students waste checking their notifications. Results showed students waste an average of 3 to 4 hours. The Host: Only for checking their notifications! Dr Abdulrahman: It’s not just a glimpse!

It’s a glimpse that leads to a reply and a smiley. Therefore, drop people from your concern,

close off the distractions, and go in with the mindset of aiming to master this subject,

because it helps you make sense of the world Subjects like Physics, Chemistry and Biology,

look at it from that perspective, not only for the grades! The Host: What if I’m not convinced?

What if I got into this major not out of interest But for my parents? Dr Abdulrahman: You need to ask yourself?

If my parents weren’t there, what would I want to do in this life?

Do I want to become a singer? A football player? So I need to ask myself, what do I really want? Ignore what your parents want

and focus on what you want. I personally know a young man

who used to hate school. But once he dropped others from his concern,

starting with his parents, he pursued two majors! Why?

Because he realised that he knew very little and wanted to learn so much!

So he finished engineering and jumped to Sharia, not to mention his extracurricular knowledge.

That happened when he knew what he wanted! But first drop others from concern,

and adopt the mindset of understanding the subject. I taught my daughters to not say

“I want to score this final grade,” But to say “I want to master this subject!”

You have a dedicated amount of time for school that must not go to waste!

You have to understand the subject you are studying. Some parents would say, “My son asks me:

How will I benefit from all this learning?” I would tell him, “Alright, stop eating.” How is this related?

You don’t grow immediately when you eat. So what’s the point?

You will reap the fruits of your labor now, in the future. Don’t rush it. It’s not necessary for your hard work

on calculus to show now, or for geography either.

Knowledge will accumulate. For example, in our sessions here,

you’ll notice that not everything we discuss is medical. The Host: Correct. Dr Abdulrahman: We discussed Sharia, Arabic and life examples.Where did all this information come from? It’s a result of accumulation.

I didn’t stop at every subject and question its usefulness, and whether it will be useful in the clinic.

Of course not, it all adds up. The Host: One last thing about this point

because it’s important If presumably my father forced me to study a certain major,like medicine, pharmacy or engineering Because it’s seen as a strong major,

but my ambitions were to study Arabic or Sharia’. Dr Abdulrahman:If you were 1000% sure that this is your passion,

I would say, "Dad, let me kiss your hand and forehead.

Peace be upon you” then pursue the degree I want.

and if he says, “I will be angry with you” let him be furious till next year,

Allah will not accept his dua against you He does what he wants. Remain dutiful to your parents

and pursue your major! The Host: What if I spent two or three years on a major? Dr Abdulrahman: Then you should continue because

you should not waste the time & effort spent. Think of it as a certificate in your pocket and

do what you want later. But you can’t come to me in your final year and say,

“I want to pursue my passion” Let’s be realistic and complete the degree.

Many people disliked their major, but later thanked their parents

for forcing them to finish it! Otherwise take the moderate approach.

Be dutiful to your parents and pursue your passion. If you raised your child to not look after his benefit,

then that is your problem! Don’t complain to me now that, “He doesn’t know

what’s good for him!” But since we got to this point, Calm down and understand that heaven and hell

are not reliant on a degree, Step back and make sure your child is psychologically healthy and aware of his interests! That he knows his actions before Allah are only his,

they’re not related to yours. This is a difficult test for many parents,

because, sadly, many parents are possessive of their children!

Their children are an additional part to their assets. So I say to these parents, “Fear Allah in yourselves first, and then in your children” Don’t force them to backbite you in my clinic,

getting their problems out, because they can’t discuss them in front of you. The Host: Alright Doctor, let’s go back to the point we mentioned earlier, which is the Nafs (self) is composed of

a body and a soul. How will this distinction help me? Dr Abdulrahman: This question needs another session,

We could discuss this tomorrow in sha Allah. Detailing the relation of the soul & body

to creationism, and the benefits from realising that I am “body and soul”. Whether it’s a worthless philosophy

or it has practical applications, we’ll discuss this tomorrow in sha Allah. The Host:In sha Allah. Dr Abdulrahman: You’re welcome. The Host: Looking forward to it, Doctor. Dr Abdulrahman: See you soon in sha Allah.