جلسات #مع_نفسي 28 ... بين قبول الضعف والتخلية والتفريغ – بين بر الوالدين ورضا الوالدين

Dr Abdul Rahman: Hello. The Host: Hello Doctor Last session we mentioned that we will

talk about an example of “accepting weakness” Dr Abdul Rahman: Aha.

The Host: From the life of the Companions. Dr Abdul Rahman: This example is dear to my heart, One of the companions,

whose name was Qatada, was in the battle of Uhud

fighting alongside the Prophet ﷺ and he was one of the few people who remained

fighting alongside the prophet ﷺ when everyone else fled. So we are talking about a person who is

supposedly an excellent man and a great companion, especially when we know that when an arrow

was about to hit the prophet ﷺ he blocked it and it hit his eye socket

making his eyeball come out and he held it with his hands,

while other companions told him to throw it [eyeball] away

as now is not the time for it. The Host: It's no longer useful. Dr Abdul Rahman: Why? Because right now

we want to protect the prophet ﷺ What did he reply? He said:

“No Wallah, I won’t until I go to the prophet ﷺ” This requires a pause, if it was one of us

we would be surprised! How will I look in front of others?

Of course I would throw it just so people don’t judge me,

and say that I am brave. He [Qatada] did not care about this,

he wanted his eye! He went to the prophet ﷺ and said:

“Oh Messenger of Allah” -of course after the battle ended- He said: “Oh messenger of Allah,

give it [my eyeball] back to me” I want my eye back, so the prophet ﷺ said:

"If you have patience you will be granted paradise” I always ask the audience:

If you were to continue the passage, what would you say?

“Of course oh messenger of Allah I will stay patient” Why? Because we have the illusion of perfection,

we don’t have a proper understanding of the human self.

What did Qutada reply? Here is the surprise,

he said: “Oh messenger of Allah I am a person who has been afflicted

with the love of women, I would hate it if they see me one-eyed in this state”

So what do you want Qatada? "Therefore kindly restore my eye

and pray I am from the people of paradise” The Host: Both.

Dr Abdul Rahman: He wants both. Look at the degree of clarity, transparency, and acceptance of his weakness. I am a human being, who ever likes that likes it

whoever dislikes it dislikes it, alright? The Host: And he is honest with the prophet ﷺ about that! Dr Abdul Rahman: Simply, and in the presence of the companions he did not take the prophet ﷺ aside

to tell him how he feels. If we wanted to continue

if one of the sheikhs - except a few- were in this situation What would they say?

“You are so despicable, a few moments ago you were a fighter taking an arrow for Allah's sake,

now you tell me you love women? The prophet ﷺ laughed and restored it for him and said:

"Oh Allah make it the best of his eyes” and he prayed that Qatada is from the people of paradise. The Host: May Allah’s blessings and salutations be upon him Dr Abdul Rahman: Whenever I narrate this incident of Qatada I follow it

with another story found in the Sahih On a night filled with thunder and lightning,

he went out to the prophet’s prayer area! The Host: Qatada?

Dr Abdul Rahman: Qatada When he came to the prophet ﷺ

it appears that the prophet ﷺ -you know with the darkness

he could see his shadow- he got scared He ﷺ said, who is it?

He said: “Calm down messenger of Allah, it’s me Qatada” The prophet ﷺ said: “What brings you out at this hour?”

What makes you come here in this weather? He said: “I saw what you see -the weather- and I worried no one will accompany you in your prayer room” -that you would be alone-

I wanted to keep you company” The Host: Oh Allah! Dr Abdul Rahman: Alright, we need to pause here,

Qatada is a human, a brave companion, kind, easygoing

frank, loves women, loves to be seen handsome, soft-hearted, prays in the night

and loves the prophet ﷺ The Host: May Allah’s blessings & salutations be upon him. Dr Abdul Rahman: This is the package that I wish for people to understand. I hope people understand that we are

individuals who hit & miss, the companions are individuals who hit & miss

the predecessors [Tabe’en] are individuals who hit & miss Leave behind the cliche examples

given in religious sermons that unfortunately have nothing to do

with the authentic Seerah, “We want angels walking on this earth!”

No, no we all hit & miss We don’t want to wear outfits that are

too tight and restrict ourselves so much so that we start living in another world. I had several cases in the clinic:

So and so works in the Islamic field and gets married to someone

also from the Islamic field and they failed in the 1st exam:

The wedding and the wedding hall. What happened to your principles?

Yes, we were living in an imaginary world When we lived in the real world,

Dunya started eating us up and tiring us Accept yourself, accept your weakness

and know that Allah is The Most Forgiving and that repentance removes your past sins,

and that Islam abolishes what came before it and follow the authentic Seerah

[Prophetic biography] that is why I recommend reading the Seerah

from its original sources before reading books by contemporary analysts,

read the Seerah from its source you will find excellent examples

that help you understand the human self. The Host: Beautiful, O.K. Doctor,

now that I accepted my weakness and am coexisting with it like you recommended,

what is the next step after this? Dr Abdul Rahman: Alright, after accepting my weakness,

what do I do with all the “complications” inside me? I accepted my weakness, and the issues inside me,

what do I do with them? By the way, I wanted to prescribe something

for you last session but I forgot, which is a prescription related to accepting your weakness

and I will make it easy for you I posted a content online called

“Speaking about Allah’s Blessings” The Host: Is it a video or?

Dr Abdul Rahman: No, it's written The Host: Okay. Dr Abdul Rahman: What do I mean by

“Speaking about Allah’s Blessings”? During the workshops we conduct,

we ask everyone to write about the best things they have, then come out in front of the audience

to speak about themselves in a good way. Of course some may say:

“Are you serious, Doctor? What about arrogance, egotism etc?” The Host: Isn't this personal development? Dr Abdul Rahman: Exactly, I tell them no!

Let’s see some examples from stories in the Quran, authentic Seerah and stories of the righteous

predecessor and scholars, they did not have any issue with expressing

their good qualities, as long as they have hidden deeds with Allah (S.W.T) We are overreacting, for instance you tell me:

“Doctor, everyone is complimenting your content” I say, “no Astagfirullah!

[May Allah pardon me] Of course not, it's insignificant!” No! Why are you like this, son?

No, my content is great and I am proud of it! and I want to meet Allah with it

on the Day of Judgement but that doesn’t mean I am arrogant

and I will even accept your criticism Why aren’t we able to take this middle path? Do you know what Aisha (R.A.) would say when the companions would come asking her a question? “You’ve come to the expert”

You knew who to ask. Yusuf (A.S.) when he was asked by the two prisoners,

What did he say to them? {He said, "You will not receive food that is

provided to you except that I will inform you of its interpretation before it comes to you}

but {That is from what my Lord has taught me} (12:37) that is why I tell you that people need

to learn how to share knowledge when I’m in sitting in a family gathering

Why don't I share it? No, I am afraid of Riya’ [Showing off]

Learn the correct way! Anyways, the content is available

and I can provide it to you in sha Allah The Host: Nice. Dr Abdul Rahman: Alright, the “issues” inside me,

what do I do with them? Here I need something called

Purging & Cultivation I clean myself and wash away its faults. The Host: This is purging. Dr Abdul Rahman: This is purging. After that I cultivate myself

with what I need, not what I desire. The Host: Okay, let’s take it one by one.

First: purging. Dr Abdul Rahman: First: purging! When I looked inside myself

I saw there are so many things, [for example] I have impurities related

to questions about our Lord I have impurities related to myself

I have impurities related to others The Host: I have sins.

Dr Abdul Rahman: I have sins, I have bad thoughts about others,

I have “issues” hating someone who walked past me 3 months ago

and didn't greet me properly, or my wife who told me this & that

or when I was at my father-in-Law’s, he didn't provide me with the hospitality I expected. The Host: [A girl] not accepting her looks, for example

Dr Abdul Rahman: For example. Here, we split purging into 3 sections:

a section for Allah, a section for the self,

and a section for others. The section related to Allah involves

everything related to misconceptions, “Why did You create me?

Why did You create me as a female? Why did You say

men are the caretakers of women?!” “Why is inheritance this way?

Why does evil exist?” Unfortunately, you will find most of

our issues with Allah– Of course, you would ask me: "Is it possible to find a religious

person with these problems?” Of course, many people do!

The clinic overflows with such people, who present themselves as religious

but when you open his wound, you will find pus related to his

relationship with our Lord, which is why we ask him to do two things:

First, to read material related to refuting misconceptions,

and seek Allah Second: maintain consistent prayer and Dua.

These two would clean the wound completely. We now move on to myself. How can I accept the things related to

myself and purge it?! We go back to accepting your weakness

that we spoke about yesterday and talking about Allah’s blessings

that we spoke about earlier. We will now talk about the stories and “complications”

related to how to purge what is within me towards others? Here, I always mention that

first, you should live by the phrase “Allah first”, For example, I’m mad with you for some reason,

it is essential to realise that Allah comes first not you, because if you were first, I will be fearful of you

or I won’t speak properly and might be a hypocrite, whereas when Allah comes first and I want to purge what’s within me, you won’t mean much to me, but because “Allah first”

I won’t mistreat you, because I want to purge what is in myself

without having to start another issue. So what to do? It’s a five-steps solution:,

#1 Allah first, #2 Ridding yourself from ignorant traditions,

What does that mean? Pride, honour and indignity,

How? I want to purge what is in me towards you, What is stopping me?

“If I express myself to him, he would say: “What is this? It appears that you are small-minded!

You’re holding so much grudge!” That’s unimportant.

What’s important is that I purge what’s within myself. #3 Purging is not revenge,

What does that mean? It means that I come to you not with the intention

of revenge, because some would say: "Look there is something I wanted to

tell you: You are rude!” In reality, you are you not purging

but having revenge! Alright. #4 Purging doesn’t necessitate an apology,

what does that mean? I want to purge what’s within myself,

but my inner voice is telling me: "After I’m done will he apologise or not?” Meaning that I still have my keys in your hands,

meaning that I still wait for my self-worth from you! The Host: Correct. Dr Abdul Rahman: Originally I came to purge what’s within myself

so I can be on my way, and mind myself. #5 Purging doesn’t necessitate change,

what do we mean? I let you know honestly:

“I feel resentful towards you. A while back during a meeting we had,

you placed your feet towards my face, and I did not like that move and whatnot.

And I feel that the way you sit is disrespectful.” That way I released what’s within me… Suppose the following day you sat in the same way,

will I get annoyed again? That’s it! I know you!

Purging is not constrained to that. Alright, you will tell me: “Oh doctor,

it’s neither revenge nor an apology, then why am I doing this?” It’s to purge what’s within myself! The Host: Just to empty what’s within myself! Dr Abdul Rahman: So I can cleanse what’s within me,

Because it’s my duty towards you, for when I see you tomorrow, I wouldn’t

put on a fake smile and be a hypocrite and you should appreciate that,

not get mad. You should know that because I value you, that I purged what is within myself, Because if you had no worth to me,

I wouldn’t care about you, alright? These words will bring up many questions,

"Doctor, can I talk in this manner with people like my parents?”

Of course… of course. And not to take long I will refer you

to a few episodes that I will provide you with, where I discuss how a person can practise

purging and venting even with relatives, with parents. I will give you a quick example,

a woman came to me with a problem that she cut ties with her father for 5 years! The Host: Wow. Dr Abdul Rahman: 5 years, why?

Because when she was 15 years old, she -secretly- saw her father

watching pornographic material, He lost all value to her,

From that moment she boycotted her father, So I told her: 5 years and he has no problem with that?!!

She told me: “Yes!”, And you come and go without greeting him?

She said: “Yes,” and that’s not all. He bought her a car and paid for her university education,

How is that? She said: “I can’t imagine him doing that”,

So I told her: Look, you need to confront him! “Alright! I confront?

What about being dutiful to parents?!” I told her: What?! You cut ties with him for 5 years and you bring up ‘being dutiful to parents’, just so you don’t say what’s within yourself?! After that, everytime she wanted

an appointment with me at the clinic, I would refuse and tell her

you need to talk to him, until one day,

-of course I told her more- I told her to force herself and overcome

her pride and accept his weakness, Your father is a victim of his upbringing,

Allah knows how his upbringing was. And Allah knows what happened to him,

So I followed-up with her until one day during Eid Fitr,

we had a gathering and once she came in

I knew there was something different, the smile and calmness, so I looked at her

and asked her if she sat with her father. She told me: “Yes, and this Eid we prayed together”

She told me: “Doctor, I suddenly remembered all the beautiful memories,

how he used to carry me, and buy me ice cream” I told her: Subhan Allah!

Where was all this? She had shades on, through which she

viewed her father as an improper individual, but she removed these shades,

and purged what’s within herself. Seems like the session is about to end,

a final example to conclude the topic of purging and will refer you to the link on another day.

The Host: Alright. Dr Abdul Rahman: One of the sisters sent a message

before visiting the clinic: "Tell Dr. Abdul Rahman that I am bringing my mother

and would like to speak to him in her presence” That is weird, people usually say:

“I want to speak to you privately, but I am embarrassed to tell my mother to leave

so I would like the doctor to say it” But this one asked for the contrary.

They came, and sat down “As-salamu Alaykum

Wa alaykum el salam, what are your names?” Immediately after the introductions,

to whom did I direct the talk? To her mother!

“As salamu Alaykum, tell me what are your concerns?” She told me: “We came for my daughter’s sake”

I told her: I want to hear from you. -Of course, I have an objective in saying that,

which is to perform a type of indirect purification- She told me: “But I’m only accompanying my daughter”

I told her: That’s alright. Of course, her daughter was signalling “Me! Me!”

But I ignored her, I told the mother: I am insistent on hearing from you,

She told me: “Alright, what should I say?” I told her: Start from the beginning of your marriage

20 mins of talking and crying! The Host: Wow. Dr Abdul Rahman: The daughter is 36 years old,

and she is hearing things from her mother for the first time,

she had never heard before, how her mother was beaten

by the eldest brother in law, how she had her hair pulled in front

of her husband while he did nothing, because that is his eldest brother

and he could do what he pleases, and that the house they are currently living in

is paid fully by the mother and the daughter had no idea! And that the 2 cars parked in front the house

is from her mother’s money and she had no idea! Of course the mother is talking and crying

and the daughter started to cry. Half way through, the daughter stood up

and kissed her mothers hands and head and sat back down.

I asked the mother: Are you done? And to be honest I got emotional,

she told me: “May Allah forgive you” I asked her: Why?

She replied: “I did not want my daughter to hear these things” I looked at the daughter and asked her:

Do you have something to say? She told me: “No.”

I asked her: Are you sure?! She replied: “I am sure.”

What did I do? I “peeled” her mother for her,

and the daughter saw what’s within, as if I practised purging for her instead.

They left and the daughter messaged me saying: "Thank Dr. Abdul Rahman for the most beautiful trip

I went out on with my mother” I hope this would shed light to the importance

of purging, and purging what’s within ourselves, because believe me, I swear by Allah

that it is not worth it to live even a single day where we hold

a grudge against each other Some of the families when they argue

at the clinic I tell them to stop and imagine that one of you will die today,

suddenly they start crying and hugging each other Do we have to do this?! Why don’t you live happily

and purge what is within yourselves? However, as I told you,

I will refer you to some material, because this sessions went on

for longer than expected, and then we can move on to the next topic

in the next session in sha Allah The Host: Alright, thank you Doctor

Dr Abdul Rahman: You’re welcome The Host: Thank you

Dr Abdul Rahman: You’re welcome, Dr Abdul Rahman: Peace and blessings be upon you

The Host: Upon you too