جلسات #مع_نفسي 25 ... التعبير - الحيل النفسية والمُخادَعات – الضحك وخطورته - قسوة القلب

Dr Abdul Rahman: Welcome. The Host: Welcome doctor. In the previous session we started talking about

deceptions and defence mechanisms and their relation to expression

but we decided to discuss it later during purging. Dr Abdul Rahman: Yes, purging. The Host: But I can’t wait, and really

hope to talk about it this session Dr Abdul Rahman: As the saying goes

“You are precious and the request is cheap”, we were talking about expression

and said that expression is tied to something important, which is honesty, if you don’t express honestly

you’d be expressing yourself in an incorrect manner, that way you will be “deceiving yourself”

or “deceiving the other person”. Remember when we talked about thought, feeling

and behaviour and asked for the definition of honesty? It was about internal and external harmony,

so when your external does not reflect what’s inside what are you doing here?

You’re lying. The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: Since we spoke about honesty,

it is possible for the expression to be either honest or dishonest,

and if it was honest, what’s the word for it in Arabic?

[Ibana] “Clarification” to be clear about myself,

to be articulate and explicit. Since we are talking about defence mechanisms

-which is a very important topic- how can I express myself in a dishonest manner

that would lead me to deception and defence mechanisms to the point of developing psychological disorders? How? Yes!

That’s possible! I see you surprised, yes it could reach to

psychological illness. But let’s start by defining defence mechanisms.

People understand this in an incorrect manner, by linking deception to slyness and wickedness!

No, deception is a certain way people practice to overcome something,

it could be positive or negative, it could be conscious or subconscious,

and it could be mature or not- Some would wrongly attribute

defence mechanisms to Freud, although in our islamic history there are

more than one person who spoke about defence mechanisms;

Al-Kindi spoke about defence mechanisms, Al-Farabi spoke about it,

and Ibn Sina did, So there are more than one individual

who spoke about defence mechanisms. But in our [Islamic] tradition

there is something called “deception”: The act of Deceiving yourself! And the Quran is filled with stories about people deceiving themselves and who’s at their forefront?

Al-Munafiqun (Hypocrites)! What’s meant by defence mechanisms?

I will give you an example to understand them, A common example that I give and that is,

if you come up to me: What is this shirt you are wearing, doctor?

When you said that to me, what happened to me immediately?

Unrest. Because you threatened my ego,

because my shirt is part of my decision, part of my personality,

and part of (Me). So far, is my reaction normal or abnormal?

Normal.. Am I psychologically ill?

No, it’s normal for me to feel this way. How I react after that is where the problem lies,

and so defence mechanisms begin. What's the first defence mechanism?

You tell me: What is this shirt you are wearing? I’d reply: What did you say? What’s your question?

Ignore and disregard. But in reality I tried to run away from confrontation,

so I occupied myself with other things. Or for example: what is this shirt you are wearing?

[look away] What did you say?

Ignore.. Second, another popular defence mechanism, and unfortunately it’s very common these days

which is (laughing)! “What is this shirt you are wearing?”

(The doctor laughs) “Ok next.” What did I do in this instance?

I tried to make it a humorous situation, because sometimes laughter gives us some tranquillity,

to evade the source of embarrassment. I will give you examples: Did it occur to you before

why we laugh when we receive a message containing a dirty joke?

although normally we would be annoyed or even block this person,

or advise him, why? Because it exposed embarrassing matters,

so we laugh Did it ever occur to you why we laugh

when sitting in a family gathering for example and then a little child says an inappropriate word?

You find us (laughing and covering our mouth) Why? Why are you laughing? It is possible to overlook it or give him a look

that will make him understand what he said was wrong Yet we laugh out of embarrassment,

all of this is a defence mechanism towards a certain feeling that made us feel anxious. That small child (this example could carry

some sense of modesty and privacy) could release gases for example

or make a sound and you find us (laughing),

why? What he did was only natural that any person does but normally a person

would release it in a secluded area, the bathroom for example,

but he is a small child and had to release it. You could simply take him aside and tell him: "Dear, if you felt something like that next time,

move somewhere else-” Moreover, for example,

you are walking on the pavement and you fell, you slipped, why would you laugh? You stand up

(turn around and laugh), Why? You should be in pain,

but in reality you are trying to give yourself a feeling of tranquillity that “it has passed”. A situation that I always reflect upon:

a mother letting her daughter go on her wedding day, She should be crying. The Host: Exactly. Dr Abdul Rahman: But you find her saying for example

“Come on go and don’t show me your face all of next year, take her.”

Why? Why say that? The Host: Then the mother goes back and cries at home. Dr Abdul Rahman:Exactly. Because she wants to overcome

this situation that makes her feel anxious until she’s alone to cry. The Host: Should she cry in front of her daughter?! Dr Abdul Rahman: Yes, that’s how it should be,

and for the daughter to realise this is the nature of life, for her mother to cry. And by the way this sadness carries with it some happiness and smiles.

I’m crying but I’m happy for you at the same time. The Host: Alright, we come across this a lot

when someone dear to us passes away, and you find men trying to hold

themselves in front of other people. Dr Abdul Rahman: That’s wrong, A friend of mine spoke to me over the phone

when I was in America, he said: “Doctor, I don’t know what to say,

but we are embarrassed, our father-” I asked him what happened?

(His mother had passed away) and his father was at the funeral

sobbing nonstop. He told me:

“We tell him, this is not right Baba” I told him: You are wrong, and your father is right. Let him cry for her and let people see

a 60 year old man loyal to his deceased wife. It could be that he feels guilty

for not expressing his feelings when she was alive. I told him do you know what could happen

if your father held back his tears? He could wake up

3 days later with a stroke, or a sudden spike in blood sugar level,

because it’s all muffled and then it explodes. So: first ignoring,

second laughter. Some may ask:

Aren't you exaggerating a bit? Aren't there things that make us laugh

because they are funny? I tell him: Yes, but think deeply,

why do we find it funny? For instance, why do we laugh at some jokes

or plays or stand up comedy shows? Because they surprise us,

they place you in front of an unknown which scares you thus you laugh,

I dissected it. Let me give you an example: I told you that laughter is so widespread

these days that it’s not good. Political satire,

political satire shows make us laugh a lot, why? Because we’re too failed to face reality

and deal with it. The Host: So these shows are a way to escape. Dr Abdul Rahman: Exactly, a way of escaping reality. We laugh at tyrants and joke about them

because we are unable to do anything else, so we satisfy ourselves by mocking them

“Did you see how he looks, etc”. When in fact we have to face reality

and try to fix it. It's alright if its a passing joke,

however when nearly an hour episode with a dedicated staff sitting from early morning to late

at night to organise scenes in order to mock people? What hardness of heart! How can these people sleep? I sometimes wonder how can these people

be fine with spending an entire week making fun of Allah’s creation! Imagine someone whose entire job

is to edit scenes in a certain way to make fun of someone he hates!

What is this? How deep is his heart diseased?

Under the pretence that we have political differences? Anyways, what I wanted to say is

some may say: ”Isn't this an exaggeration Doctor?”

Yes it is an exaggeration, however I want to reach a point where we

understand why we are laughing after that laugh as you wish,

but at least diagnose the cause of your laughter so you that don’t laugh at yourself

thinking you are laughing at others. The Host: So expression is based on confrontation? Dr Abdul Rahman: Exactly, confrontation. The Host: To not be deceived. Dr Abdul Rahman: When we talk about purging

we will talk about the priority of confrontation. but this will be when we talk about purging.

With this we talked about ignoring and laughing. Thirdly: ”What is this shirt you are wearing?”

I reply: What can I do, my wife -may Allah forgive her- made me wear it,

I put the blame on someone else. or I would say: “Is there even anything good in

the shop these days? I blame the market,

because I want to avoid talking about myself. Fourth: “What is this shirt you’re wearing?”

I reply: “Look at your own shirt first” I make it about you,

or I would say: “Do you know how much this shirt

that you don’t like costs?” I make you feel lower than

this precious item All of these are defence mechanisms

until it turns into attacking. The Host: “You are the one with bad taste.” Dr Abdul Rahman: “How did you allow yourself to speak to me this way!” "Who asked for your opinion?”

“Who are you to talk?” Leading to cursing, insulting and violence. The Host: All of this because he attacked my ego. Dr Abdul Rahman: All of this because I felt nervous

when you asked about my shirt, or you criticised it so it clashed with my ego.

So what is the solution? Simply: When you tell me:

“What is this shirt you are wearing?” <i>The doctor looks at his shirt and asks</i>

Is there anything wrong with it? - No, but it looks strange?

- So? It is alright, I like it. It's that simple, this is self-worth.

I don’t have a problem. You simply expressed your despise

or your dislike, and I simply told you “OK”. If you told told me:

“Isn’t this considered a Garment of Fame?” If I had self-worth I will thank you

for your advice and will tell you: "Honestly I never thought of this issue,

and I thank you for reminding me.” Is the topic of defence mechanisms clear?

I can express myself but use defence mechanisms. Let's implement this in a real-life situation.

Often I want to tell you something but I tell you something totally different

that is unrelated to what I want to say. Didn't you notice that we are late today?

But what did I want to tell you? I wanted to tell you that you made me tired

and I want to go sit with my wife and daughters, but I can’t say that so I say:

“Didn't you notice .. etc” Why can't you say it clearly? Why did we reach a point where we don’t know

how to be clear with each other? Why is it that the standard is that

I tell something in your face and as soon as you turn your back

I say something different? I will tell you something that

you may find surprising When I worked in the states, I used to think

that the American community is a straightforward community but what I was most shocked about was the backbiting, backstabbing or slander. It’s so normal to find someone laughing and conversing

with you and as soon as you turn your back "Ugh he is disgusting”

I was shocked! I realised it is a psychological illness that is widely spread, it is present worldwide

and with anyone who doesn't understand Surah Al Hujurat :) and doesn't know the meaning of not mocking

not backbiting, and not spying etc. In summary, I think today’s session covered

enough about expression and how it is related to defence mechanisms.

What is the solution? To be honest and learn ways to deliver

your thoughts with the least amount of bluntness we will discuss during purification in sha’ Allah. Did you want to say something? The Host: Yes, but I will postpone it to the next session in sha’ Allah. Dr Abdul Rahman: Alright, insha’Allah we will discuss it

during the next session. The Host: Thank you Doctor.

Dr Abdul Rahman: You are welcome.