21 Step Three - Decision for Relationship (BB p.58-62)

good evening good morning good afternoon good day wherever you are in the world today my name is herb i'm an alcoholic welcome to our big book 12-step workshop i'm going to put up the set aside prayer it has the word unmanageability in it so that's the only difference you're welcome to pray it or not at all or however you want to approach this opening tonight god please set aside everything that i think i know about myself my unmanaged ability the 12 steps in you for an open mind and a new experience with myself my unmanaged ability the 12 steps and especially you please join me in the serenity prayer god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change courage to change the things i can and wisdom to know the difference well we're crossing over tonight into the final stage of the first stage of the rocket launch we took a look at step one that first stage of the rocket launch a discovery an experience an understanding of hopefully something new for you whether that be knowledge or experience with regard to step one that you do not have sufficient power to be effective maybe in the area of unmanageability for the very first time understanding the bedevils the cancer of the soul the spiritual malady those are all synonyms and then a desperate search for god and now we're entering into that final phase of this first stage which is to establish our relationship keep that in mind the entire time we're on step three from my standpoint the purpose of step three in the big book and i'll show you next week not tonight but next week i'll show you the basis of that position that attitude about step three step three is about a relationship step one is an experience of no power in some fashion maybe with regard to our addiction maybe with regard to our lives and reality itself and then we embark on a process of a decision a faith decision an empty leap of faith decision about god just about god the concept we make a decision for ourselves the balance of the step process of course is to clean house four through nine that's what step three is all about it's the launching pad it's the commitment it's the beginning bill calls it the beginning of the journey in fact you'll note when you get to take a look at the step three prayer even though you've prayed it many times some of you know where it is in the big book on page 63 the second paragraph but this the step three prayer has no amen i think it's significant all prayers i know of have an amen so be it the prayer has been expressed the conclusion of the prayer amen why doesn't step three have an amen but then of course we enter into the final orbit around the light the rocket launch has three stages the first stage is one through three our relationship with power the second stage is a relationship with ourselves four through seven the third stage the final phase of the clean house portion of this triangle is steps are steps eight and nine our relationship with others four through seven our relationship with ourself eight and nine our relationship with others cleaning out the obstacles to those two relationships and then entering the world of the spirit bill says as we get into steps 10 11 and 12 the turning that was committed to in step 3 the turning made a decision to turn from what to what from our self-centeredness to other centeredness that's what we learned in unmanageability it couldn't be clear or step 11 other with a capital o step 12 others with a small o bill says keep our head in the clouds and our feet on the ground that's a succinct summary of our program our way of life so is god necessary we looked at that question you have to discern whether or not the god word is relevant to you and what does it mean and what would be a synonym for it as we approach step two step two doesn't have the word god in it it has the word power in it that's not subtle that's very much in our face step two is not about god it's about our concept of god our understanding of god power as we're going to interpret it and we said and we discovered in the big book process that it was a decision step two it doesn't say it in the big book as overtly as i say it here but it says it if we're reading intelligently what bill says on page 53 god is or god isn't what is your choice and all throughout that chapter he's emphatic about it's our concept not the books not his not aa's not your religious tradition this is the act of faith that willingness to make that decision which becomes the cornerstone of our journey through the arch to new freedom he said and so we entered then into step three after we make this decision about our concept trying to understand so what does bill mean made a decision to turn the word surrender is not in the third step the word surrender is not in the big book my editor has done a word search the word surrender is not in the big book and i believe he said it's not even in the 12 and 12. it's an interesting word i used it a long time to represent step three because i heard it in meetings and it sounded relevant i hadn't given it much thought i surrender i give up a white flag i join a a this sounded all good and yet it's it's it's a misperception in fact it leads us into some misunderstanding of step three surrenders a wonderful term for step one defeated by our addiction and defeated by our life i give up i surrender but let's take a look at step three made a decision to turn i'm using my free will to turn our will and our lives what does that mean and it doesn't say over to god please i'll emphasize this more than once and you may get tired of it but it's so important that we absorb it we turn our will and our lives over to the care of god what does that mean of course as we understood god coming out of step 2 bill is faithful to that concept so let's take a look at the big book page chapter five how bold how it works there's a story that an al-anon brought the big book in 1940 or 41 into a small group of alcoholic men she was married to one of them and she had discovered the book and she brought it in and gave it to them and said hey some guys back east have found this helpful and they said well okay we don't know what to do with it and somebody looked at the table of contents and flipped to chapter five and said well it says here how it works maybe we should read that here today as a group and and it started in california in los angeles the tradition of reading chapter 5 in aaa meetings i've heard it more than once i've heard it all recorded and interviewed with very credible historical people in in the southern california area i hope it's true makes for a great story rarely have we seen a person fail bill wanted to write never that was in one of the manuscripts one of the drafts but the group said you know what alcoholics are so contrary ordinary that if you put never they're going to try to prove you wrong so why don't you not make it so black and white he put rarely rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path now we hear this and at least in aaa this material from pages 58 to 60 which is what we're going to focus on tonight we hear it in meetings regularly read and because we hear it regularly red we become brain dead to it so i'm going to spend some time unpacking it it might seem a little tedious but i think it's going to be very worthwhile especially for the people in aaa who have heard it so many times that it has no meaning to them the key word the operative word here is thoroughly thoroughly followed our path those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves there's lots of confusion and misinformation about that let's take a look at what bill's saying because he spends three sentences three complete sentences clarifying this very point before he goes on obviously he's making the point that rigorous honesty is in fact one of the primary ingredients of how it works but here he's saying constitutionally incapable pay attention to the words bill was a word smith i try to understand the words that he uses from the dictionary and from the times that he used the words there's very little ambiguity about that word constitution means their biological structure now he's going to reinforce that interpretation there are such unfortunates they are not at fault they seem to have been born that way see it's a biological predisposition to a lack of capacity now i don't know whether that means they're or they're mentally incapable because of some type of biological deformity or that their psychopath or sociopath bill doesn't tell us that but all of those people are constitutionally by their very constitution by their very biology by their very physiology incapable of processing reality now he's going to reinforce it with another sentence they are naturally naturally by their very nature incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty so he's really serving up the baseline here this is the key ingredient rigorously honest now i do believe that that's a process my sponsor when i finally admitted in an alcoholics anonymous meeting that i was a alcoholic and they said get a sponsor i did and he said call me every day and tell me what you're thinking feeling and doing i want you to be transparent i said what does that mean you know i want your insides and your outsides to match and i began talking to him on a daily basis and i did that for 10 years daily i called him and i was accountable he was training me in accountability he was training me in consciousness paying attention to my thoughts and my feelings and my behavior and and he knew that i would progressively get honest and i wasn't honest for four years oh i did an inventory in my first year but it was an autobiographical inventory he didn't know much about the steps he knew a lot about aaa and and and the appropriate behavior and the protocols and how to be a good a a person by his definition and i went to a meeting every day and i called him every day and i progressively got honest but it was only after i worked the steps in my fourth year between my fourth and my fifth year i worked the steps out of the book like we're going to do with a man who had experience with the book and who had experienced the spiritual awakening as a result of the steps and i got very rigorously honest at that point i mean life-changing honest for the very first time so back to the book their chances are less than average now he's switching to the balance of the human race there are those two who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders pay attention two categories emotional mental so there will be challenges on both areas not not necessarily in the same person but he says many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest there's the key word do they have the capacity our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like in other words our life of addiction what happened what was the defining moment where there was the change in our thinking and our feeling and our behavior for some of us it was a profound awareness maybe because of the steps maybe because of going to aaa maybe because of going to church or a therapist's that moment of clarity that many people talk about and then others struggle for years before they actually get some traction with sobriety with abstinence i want to broaden the vocabulary because we're not here as alcoholics only we're here as people who have a problem with addiction mostly some of us are here because we want a spiritual awakening and we're not in any 12-step program at some point i'll i'll ask for that maybe by the time we start step four and what we are like now to see in fact a witness to the power of the fellowship and the book and the step process but here's a very very important sentence if you have decided you want what we have well what do we have well at the very least if you're aware of somebody with recovery or you're going to a fellow a 12-step fellowship meeting you know they have something that you don't have which is abstinence from whatever your addiction is and even if you don't see that you see them smiling and having a fairly decent time with their lives making progress if you have decided you want what we have and you may not know what we have but you are very convinced you don't want what you have and are willing to go to any length to get it now there's a line that's used a lot by sponsors and in meetings and again misquoted no it's not standing on the street no it's not doing headstands in the corner no it's not filled in the blank of all the silliness that's talked about in terms of willingness to go to any length the book completes the sentence after a dash because it allows us to pause willing to go to any length then you are ready to take certain steps this was one of the questions i asked you to ask yourself at the very beginning of the workshop back in january one of those four questions are you willing to go to any length and what does it mean here it is right here at step three see this is the preface to step three this is the introduction to step three it's the warm-up it's the prelude bill's leading us gently up to the altar at some of these we bought these certain steps quite frankly i would say at all of these i balked i don't believe there was ever a step that i didn't hesitate or delay on or procrastinate about we thought we could find an easier softer way that's the human nature let alone the addict's nature but we could not that's why we get back to it bill says there are only two disciplines in alcoholics anonymous one is alcohol and one is god you're either going for one or you're going for the other that's very profound you're either going toward the light or you're going toward the darkness remember i used the dimmer switch and the light switch analogy for the spiritual awakening and the spiritual experience the dimmer switch goes up a notch at a time toward the light the dimmer switch goes down a notch at a time toward the darkness it's either going up or it's going down you're either walking toward the light or you're walking toward the darkness there's no resting spot because that's not that's human nature with all the earnestness at our command we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start well for you perfectionists out there we do the best we can fully realizing it's not the best we can and doing it anyway you can't do this wrong the only thing that you can do wrong here is not do it it doesn't matter how thorough you are in the sense that by your judgment and your criteria i did the steps three different times with three different mechanics of the big book very wise very experienced people each one of them giving me probably 80 85 percent of the same instruction but that 10 to 15 percent was a critical difference and each time i grew broader and i grew deeper in terms of my awakening some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely well that's the foundation of the work that we do right from the beginning in the set-aside attitude and the set-aside prayer isn't it it's reinforced throughout the book with different phrases that bill uses but this is the primary phrase that launched that prayer that said aside prayer to let go of my knowledge and let go of my experience so that i can be taken to a place of new knowledge and new experience areas that i didn't even know existed remember that we deal with addiction he says alcohol here but i'll broaden it remember that we deal with addiction cunning baffling powerful it's inert alcohol drugs process addiction food it's inert it doesn't have its own mind its own will it's not waiting to get us that's silliness it's a way of talking for us to talk about the baffling feature of our addiction but let's be very clear it's in us it's in our capacity it's in our knowledge it's in our willpower that fails us there's nothing that has a magnetic ability in terms of addiction it's an inner material without help it is too much for us and that's the decision that we made at the end of step one there is one who has all power that's the decision we made in step two that one is god you may have made that decision of course in the language of 1939 that was the only option they really had there other than calling it higher power or spirit may you find him now see there's the direction bill is pointing the way pointing the way to the light unfortunately some people get to a place where they have a teacher and they begin worshiping the teacher or they begin worshiping the finger and the teacher stands on the path pointing the way with their finger to the light half-measured availed us nothing this man who took me through the work that said the first time said herb read that 50 will not get you 50 50 will get you nothing 90 will get you nothing 99 will get you nothing well i'm here to modify that just a little bit because i know about 30 or 40 percent of you are perfectionists and you go oh what the hell i can't do it perfectly half measures no my experience is we do the best we can knowing that it's not the best we can and we do it anyway and with that attitude doing the best i could thinking that i was actually doing the best i could i had an experience and each time i did this work i had a new experience because i was more conscious we stood at the turning point oh step three made a decision to turn you remember when we looked at the balance of bill's story on page 14 at the very top he had a summary of the program and the process simple but not easy a price had to be paid it meant the destruction of self-centeredness i must turn in all things to the father of light who presides over us all that's it we are turning from darkness we're turning to light the father of light who presides over us all that concept of transcendence we stood at the turning point bill again he's leading us up on step three we asked for his protection and care with complete abandon it's interesting when you really pay attention to the words the thoughts the phrases in the material in step three it's the most ideal of all of the steps he talks in terms of absolutes he doesn't use the term absolutes like the oxford group did they had four absolutes dr bob even used those in the early aaa days those four absolutes honesty purity unselfishness and love something like that this material on step three comes as close to those absolutes which bill issued the big book he didn't want to incorporate anything that had anything to do with absolutes for two reasons one alcoholics wouldn't stand for it but two he didn't want to associate with the oxford group in the book he had a great reverence and respect and gratitude toward the oxford group for his own sobriety and his own spiritual awakening the foundation for aaa was found in the oxford group but he knew that it had religious ties which would create a barrier for some people to come to aaa if in fact it had any religious connotation at all connotation let alone words that connected them so he avoided the terms absolute but he talks pretty much here we ask his protection and care with complete abandon can i do that no of course not can i be willing to be taken to a place yes of course here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery well i'm not going to read the 12 steps we will dive deeply into the meaning and the suggested application of them as we navigate the balance of this year in our workshop so on page 60 many of us exclaimed what an order i can't go through with it well especially if you take an intelligent look at step four complete inventory and five confession most people would be horrified at that thought i had an exposure to confession because of my religious tradition and training i studied to be a catholic priest as most of you know for seven years in a monastery that didn't frighten me but when i looked at step nine that was intimidating going to make amends to all the people and institutions that i had damaged and and and uh misused fortunately i didn't have enough consciousness to be reading ahead or to even be thinking about the implications of these steps i just loved the meetings and it felt like group therapy to me those first four years that was the the attraction for me was the fellowship the camaraderie the sharing the confrontation sometimes many of us explain what an order i can't go through with it don't be discouraged no one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles there's two things here bill recognized that there's a percentage of people that are perfectionists and so he's saying right here relax but he's also giving us an indication of his literary style he doesn't use the same word in consecutive sentences so here he's just given given us a list of steps but here at the in this sentence he calls them principles practice these principles in all our affairs that has some implications later on when we get to taking a look at unpacking step 12. each of those steps has a principle many people have made bill never made a list of principles and that i'm aware of many people have attempted to make lists of principles practice these principles and all affairs we need to know what they are and i've taken those lists over time and paid attention to them and made a list of my own based on my knowledge and experience the way of life document has a list of principles as i've seen them as i understand them as i interpret them built on the the shoulders of other people's work and you might find them useful toward the step 12 material in the way of life document we are not saints the point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines that dimmer switch mechanism it is one of the best metaphors it goes up a notch at a time it doesn't go up on its own and my additional words for that metaphor i lean gently into it i put my shoulder against the dimmer switch i i press gently against the dimmer switch and move it forward and and notch at a time an inch at a time a click at a time we've got the phrase the day at a time of course that dimmer switch goes up a notch at a time but harry tebow the psychiatrist that helped bill personally as well as with the construction of the original a.a program he said bill got it right the first nine steps will be for the deflation of the ego at depth but the ego has an uncanny way of regenerating itself so that dimmer switch is on a greased axle and it's wired to go backwards that's why i suggest we lean gently into the dimmer switch into the steps into our way of living not with aggression not with a lot of energy to wrestle it to the ground no that would be self-will but our willpower is there to make a decision to move toward the light so i lean gently against the dimmer switch moving it forward that's my image of it otherwise it has a tendency to slip back if i even relax a little bit and i don't mean relax in the sense of easy does that i mean relax in the sense of abandoning steps 10 11 and 12. this bill says is the daily work he calls it a daily reprieve that we're not cured of our spiritual malady we're not cured of our unmanaged ability we're not cured of our cancer of the soul that our self will is a condition that needs to be treated on a daily basis with 10 11 and 12. the principles we have set down notice the steps are guides to progress i love that i use the term now handrails principles are handrails sometimes guardrails for walking the path so that we can find the middle road and not slip off the edge we have a tendency to go to one side or the other quite frankly the book says lack of power is our dilemma on page 45. my own personal experience experiences lack of balance is my pop is my dilemma i'm constantly getting bruises on my right shoulder and on my left shoulder from bumping against the walls it's hard for me to continue navigating that middle path easier now than it ever was we claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection again bill hammer's home relax breathe in breathe out that's what i tell newcomers and i i consider certainly a newcomer the first year of their abstinence the first year of their abstinence not their effort to abstinence the first year of their abstinence i considered them newcomers because they're falling out i did took longer than that our description of the alcoholic well that would be the doctor's opinion chapters one two and three wouldn't it the chapter two the agnostic oh that's chapter 4. let's be literal here our personal adventures before and after may clear three pertinent ideas the personal adventures maybe from the stories in the back of the book maybe our own story from steps four through nine so now bill is giving us a retrospect he's warmed us up to step three now he's going to look back over the shoulder at where we've been in steps one and two a that we were addicts he says alcoholics first half of the first step and could not manage our own lives second half of the first step b that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism step two we made that transition to a decision that i needed help and that help was available and that help is deep down inside of me all part of step four excuse uh chapter four all part of step two see that god could that's part of step two and would that's the beginning of step three that's huge god has the power but step three says it's a caring power we're turning our will and our life over to the care of so would if god were sought that's how step two actually ended remember on page 57 when we when we drew near to god god discloses god's self to us god has come to all who have honestly sought god being convinced we're at step three well you have to ask yourself are you convinced of those three propositions one i can't do it by myself two there is a power it's available to me i get to name it and act as if it's real and three i get to establish a relationship with it now that's not the quote or the phrase from the big book but it's my interpretation of step three that we're at we're attempting to have a relationship very much like the step two diagram we made a decision about power in step two but in step three we're making a decision for power for a relationship with power more of that we'll plumb the depths of pages 62 and 63 next week that's the assignment i'm going to articulate that a little more broadly in a minute but staying with page 60 being convinced we were at step 3 which is that we decided to turn our will and our life what does that mean our will okay that's my human function of making a decision my life bill doesn't tell us what it means but if my will is my function of making a decision my life is clearly from my standpoint a function of the actions and the consequences of those decisions now we will take a look at those actions and those consequences when we do step four so we'll have a much deeper technicolor actually understanding an experience of those when we get there bill asks us these two questions right here remember i told you part of his literary style in steps one and in step two is to ask questions at the beginning of a process and then to unpack what his response is what his suggestions are what the recommendations are here it is being convinced we're at step three which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to god as we understood god i don't know why he left out the word care there fortunately it's in the step itself so i'm going to stay with that but then listen to these questions well what do we mean by that and just what do we do again appealing to the two things that make us specifically human i told you i would use that model throughout the the two things that make us specifically human are the two things that in fact are the primary components of our addiction aren't they of our step one powerlessness our mind vulnerable to the obsession and our will vulnerable to self-will unmanageability the two things that make us human are implored implied rather in in step two we make a decision god is and my mind accepts it and my feet behave as if it's true belief and trust and here we are now at step three and bill is asking us again well what do we mean by that turning our will and our life over to the care of god he's appealing to our mind so that we have some knowledge i'm not going to spend any time on it today or even next week because we've already done that you've done the work of answering the question well what do we mean remember the assignment on pages 60 61 and 62 on unmanageability that's what we mean we have free will but it's not free when it comes to our self because we're self will run riot but we still are human beings with free will oh we can choose god or know god because on our own we're going to choose our self so we're going to use that willpower in step 2 to choose god and we're going to use our willpower in step 3 to choose our relationship with god now part of the assignment going forward for next week is to read as diligently as i've just read this material pages 62 and 63. and you'll see at the bottom of page 63 excuse me page 62 that bill has an answer to the question just what do we do the answer to the question what do we mean are pages 60 to 62 where self will run riot on our own and yet we have free will we have a responsibility to choose god and to choose our relationship with god as i'm framing it at the bottom of 62 he answers the question well what do we do it begins with this is the how and the why of it he's going to tell us what to do and that paragraph has three relationships in it on page 63 it has another relationship in it in the first paragraph in the second paragraph it has another relationship in it bill doesn't say it this way but he provides it i'm merely surfacing it and making it very visible and you'll see the standard of the absolute prevalent in those paragraphs don't be uh intimidated by that but challenge it what does it mean abandon ourselves utterly to god voicing it without reservation pay attention to the first paragraph on page 63 a description of the promises we hear a lot about promises in the big book after the ninth step pages 83 and 84 wonderful promises wonderful contrasted to the bedevilments you can see that contrast on pa in the way of life document after the ninth step if you're interested to see the contrast of the bedevilments that you studied and applied to yourself in your own experience on page 52 and then on page 83 and 84 those promises after you finish the ninth step a friend of mine illustrated the comparison to show the dynamic of the turnaround when i turn from my self-centeredness which is the bedevils to my other centeredness which is god and the people around me the bedevilments become the promises almost word for word it's pretty uncanny i hope bill was conscious of it when he wrote it that way page 63 that first paragraph are the promises of of step three rich and full promises but they're approximate they're not as complete as steps excuse me the step nine promises there's a prayer that bill gives us a step three prayer in the second paragraph you'll note in the instructions that i'm suggesting that you write your own third step prayer based on the words in the prayer here not to improve it but to understand it when you have to put these words in the book in your own words you obviously have to understand the words in the book it's a wonderful exercise pray about it meditate about it we've got a couple weeks i plan on unpacking it next week and then having lots of discussion like we did with steps one and two in terms of the third meeting to unpack all of your thoughts and your questions and your experiences with this material at the same time look up the word alignment it's in the assignment assignment 9 i believe it is to look up several words but the one word i'm very interested you get really acquainted with is alignment it's not in the big book but it's the term i use to understand and experience step three more about that next week be thinking about what relationship does your step 2 decision connote it has implications the decision you made in step two in terms of the practicality of a relationship the term i love to use it's not in the book but i love to use it in terms of this relationship is what relationship does your heart yearn for yearn for i love that richness of that word yearn for from the soul level from the cellular level what do you want and need in a relationship also read the step three chapter from the 12 and 12. wonderful commentary each time we come to closure on each step i'll be suggesting that you read the corresponding chapter from the 12 and 12. next week we'll as i mentioned unpack all of this and give you the final assignments and then the following week we will have dialogue at depth to the extent that you want to have it on step three and then as a group in two weeks on tuesday night we will pray the step three prayer from the big book and we'll pray it as a community if we were all in the same room we would stand in a large circle filling the room maybe a couple times actually with this number of people and we would hold hands and we would pray the prayer in a unique way that i will introduce you to so you'll note in the reading for next week when you read it please please note that bill continues the architectural analogy he started in step two in step two he said on page 47 willingness was the cornerstone willingness is the cornerstone of a spiritual art through which you're going to walk to a new freedom these are key concepts which he reinforces here in step three and he calls step three the keystone you could look that word up it's an architectural word that connotes that at the top of the spiritual arch at the top of the arch in a architectural construction vocabulary that the stone that holds the entire arch together is the keystone my own sponsor used he's more mechanically oriented than construction oriented and he talked about the linchpin the linchpin that holds all the moving parts together step three is that important it's a commitment to turn it's not the turning please hear that it's not the turning it's the awareness that we need to turn away from my self-centeredness to other centeredness and is built very aptly pointed out and you might want to re-read all of that material i didn't mean for you to skip it pages 60 to 62. but i just want to remind you that you've already looked at it at depth and we've unpacked it at depth so i don't plan on being redundant about that but you might want to take another look at it just to refresh your uh understanding of it your exposure to it and remember on page 62 at the end of it he says neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power we had to have god's help the same way he ended the description of addiction on page 43. regard to the first half of the first step on page 62 he ends the description of the unmanageability the second half of the first step in this absolutely same way we're powerless we do not have the power of choice about reality and about our self or self will that that's the inherent nature the flaw in us okay so um if you want to ask a question share a comment talk about your reading your experience with that any insights that you would have raise your hand and i'll acknowledge you in the order of your raised hands i was very intrigued when you talked about will how it will like the definition of a will and you said it's it's the human function of making a decision and it's uh i find that extremely helpful because you know i mean i understand that my life has become unmanageable because of this well gone riot but i didn't realize it's because of the decisions i make for my life and the actions i take based on those decisions yeah so i don't know you've impacted for me today that in a way in a new way that i haven't kind of received before um it's it's it's a life-changing insight so you don't need to completely get it it's wonderful that it the curtains have parted and you you've been touched by it now just let let it gently have its way with you okay yeah it's very it's it's extremely powerful yeah so when we turn our will is it's like instead of making a decision of what am i going to do next right it's like like well listen like get you know right rather than do oh wow okay right yes yeah that's why it's not passive step three is not passive without an acid i use this term it's a ferocious act of my free will yeah it's about the most intense action that we can take yeah and that's where our humility has to be there because you're really getting it that's exactly right yeah yeah humility is really seeing truth yeah having a perspective yes well i i have goosebumps by the way just so you okay yeah no that's great and so again i mean to to unpack this so that we turn our will and our life so talk about the life a bit so the will okay it's the decisions i've made we'll be talking lots more about that when we talk more about the relationship it it it almost has to wait until we have a fuller context okay great yep okay but but the essence of it is my will is my decision making my life are the actions i take and the consequences that form my life right exactly okay and this is where i mean this helps me in terms of what that relationship has to be because the relation is like god i want to receive what decisions i need to make to be aligned with you that's why that term alignment is so critical here because it for me it puts in step three in the entire context of the entire step process it answers the question why bill makes it the keystone i am so glad you you brought up a word that totally changed things for me i wrote previously about power i said i am so hung up with the word power it seems forceful negative a takeover aggressive and today you said something about how the principles the steps are are the guard rails and what i lack is not power it's balance and that i can relate to i lack balance i'm always they always say find the middle you know whatever end and i so that image just totally changes things for me and so i thank you i really do um yeah that's it thanks thank you so much for acknowledging and emphasizing it because it's kind of like the highlighter it brings to people your words translating my words but they can hear it differently so thanks so much for emphasizing it go ahead and excuse me and and for years i've been reading the big book and i so resist power i don't equate god in power because i think of those negative terms so it's it's been very challenging for me to get you know and you keep saying what we need is power power power and i don't want it so yeah thank you and in contrast to step one which is about powerlessness or ineffectiveness i want to be effective yeah yeah yeah okay thank you thank you thank you so much i had a spiritual experience a couple of days ago and it's step three it's always so timely what you're doing here for me probably for everybody that's god working huh so this last week i had just tremendous turmoil and and you know all my unmanageability well not all of it but a lot of it and stuff to do with my ex-husband and stuff about you know some of the continuing financial ties and one of our kids i mean oh the basic be devilman stuff you can't get any more you know basic than that and i was really struggling regulating myself and talking to my sponsor over and over and you know praying and meditating and you know doing some of my you know step work looking at my inventory and and and and and really struggling oh trying to turn it over to god and seeking god please please just and i could just tell i just couldn't give up how can i give up control because if i don't go and fight how am i going to get what i'm entitled to with this kid and anyway and then i just had this spiritual experience on sunday where in my prayer i mean even where like i could wake up in the middle of the night like just like i'm gonna i'm you know what am i gonna do to retaliate and that's just not who i am but you know brings up survival instincts but anyway so when i was meditating on sunday and god you know said to me you know when you see him in this mediation you're gonna melt because you're just you know you feel bad for him too and i got that's my confusion part of me wants to fight for what i i feel like you know whatever and the other part of me says but what about him and that's just me and whatever it is my good stuff my bad stuff as it says in here when i'm the producer the director i do have some good purposes and i do have some bad purposes but the bottom line is i produce confusion not harmony and and then i start with some of the stuff you've been saying about you don't have to have the answer and it was just enough for me to know that this is probably why i feel like i wanted control because i feel so out of control part of me wants to lash out and take him for every penny i can and other parts of me say you know what keep your money it's so important to you and me and the kid will stand on the street but it's not that dire but of course but anyway and then when i got clear that that's my part that's my part that i'm afraid that i want you know whatever so i'm just now sitting with the fear and the confusion and now i can feel like i'm letting god in and i don't know what's going to happen and i'm going to go to a mediation on thursday and i'm okay because i'm going to stay as calm as i can and knowing that i'm in a state of confusion and that's okay because i have god to guide me and and hopefully a good attorney right and a good tough barracuda attorney that will protect you yes they're worth the money in those moments and um what i tell the men that i work with identify the operating principle what's the operating principle here and it sounded to me like fairness is part of your value system yes big time yeah yeah i mean you said it i heard it and so identify the various principles that will be active in this particular meeting and always operate on principle never your ego never your emotions never your wants and needs and your fears or your anger always operate on principle the second part of that is always take the high road and what that means is be generous be generous with life be generous with the principles i've never yet been betrayed with the formula find the principle take the high road and be generous well what does that mean so you know what and you're right that's up to you what it means okay yeah oh no no i i i don't mean being a cream puff i don't mean being codependent oh no no no no no but if you want to be fair be fair what is fair yeah if you want to be balanced what is balance yeah if you want to consider his feelings his concerns and his needs what does that mean for you which is all the things you said i'm just i'm i'm bouncing it back like an echo to you but wow but you said it the fairness when i skyped the chance to see some of the stuff he's doing that's not your business you protect yourself but you don't you don't become a bad person because he's a bad person you maintain your integrity that's i know you from your sharing i mean that's part of who you are in your soul as a person of integrity well i'm happy you see that yes integrity it matters it does yeah intense thank you you don't have to be right and you don't have to look like you win to other people you don't even have to look like you win to yourself winning from my standpoint would be operating on principle and taking the high road a person of principle a person of integrity yeah so i was doing the assignment and uh about what i want what i need in a relationship with my higher power and what kind of attributes and i was writing you know the stuff that i written before you know i need compassion and god a loving god um uh supporting all that um but then something you said a week or two ago which was uh that god you know could be thought of i think maybe he didn't say it exactly this way but as a reality with a capital r well i probably did say it that way yes yeah um so i've been thinking a lot about that you know and realizing what reality is what the truth is is not easy you know nope so so i've kind of interpreted the step three turn my will and my life over the care of god as i understand him as asking god not to show me his will but just to allow me to see the truth and what reality really is and then be accepting of that because it was a product of the from my of my creator you know and i've turned my will and my life over to him so if he's can show me what the truth is and my you know half the time i might not like it but at least i have um made a decision to turn my will and my life over to him and anything that i recognize as reality and truth um i i can accept yeah yeah see that's the heart of the serenity prayer and that's really what i mean by the alignment which we'll explore much more deeply next week but go ahead i'm sorry the um but then all that but then the stuff about the warm feel good you know i need compassion i need love and all that it kind of goes out the window you know um does it to some extent i mean well uh not entirely but i don't think about it as much because i'm i'm getting my support this in a different way it's less relevant that's right and so i was just wondering if i'm getting away from what we're trying to do here or no i think you're getting right into the bowels of it absolutely yeah okay well that's good that's encouraging yeah so i think it's funny well it's not funny um that this morning during my meditation i was coming up with balanced middle ground that i felt like such a key component i mean this morning i was thinking this seems like the one key item although i feel like there's like hundreds of key most important things but you know i think i i feel like so many of us think that uh what what we that our selfishness is self-care and that we're having to find a healthier version of self-care like this balance of not being so selfish and you know what because i've heard people ask the question and i know i've asked it to others even if not in here it's like well what does self-care look like you know how do i know i'm not being selfish versus something that is self-care or that i'm not being taken advantage of and so anyway i just feel like it's it's all the talk of balance middle ground uh it just feels like the first time i've heard it i don't know how many times you've shared it but um first time i feel like i've heard it so yeah yeah and and um [Music] so where does it take you oh i still don't know i mean it's it's the other things that were talked about it's like i feel like you know you just said and you've said this before but a ferocious act and it made me think of the times when i'm at work i'm i don't want to say losing my mind but i'm stressed i'm figuring out what i need to do and it's like i now will pause you know i'll try to do i'll say step 10 step 11 you know i'll try to pray figure out what's really going on and then try to ask what would my higher power want me to do in this situation and that has changed my behavior oh yeah and and that um i mean i didn't realize how i was being selfish before and now i can see it um i'm not going to say in technicolor like you sometimes say but um and the results are always well like so far you know the results are better than if i had behaved selfishly even though i feel like it was a subtle version of selfishness so but it but you know the ferocious that is it was like having to pause and be like okay wait don't you know don't write the email you want yet right and and so that's where like tonight when you said ferocious that might also be the first time that tapped into because i feel like only in the last couple months have i been doing this knowing a little bit more how to do it so but as to what the middle ground is i still don't feel like i know it's it's one of those in process i don't know well but see uh in what you're i think talking about is becoming more conscious yeah and and that's why the mind thing is so important at the beginning that we know something that we become conscious so that eventually we can in fact pause and make a conscious decision about the action rather than the reaction decision because the reaction decision is write the email press send and then go oh [Laughter] right yep yeah yeah all right so again this is a process you're having more consciousness you're having some experience you're having some reinforcement because you're conscious of your lack of consciousness right yeah well it's so this is oh isn't it it's very slow um and when i came into the program you know i had been physically sober for 21 years but i'd only found the program like four four and a half years ago and so when you were talking about the dethawing process i to me i just heard that as like it was a physical thing and i'm like well i got that yeah right you know and so but it's i feel like it's this last year that i finally i'm like oh okay i'm defined [Laughter] yeah well even as you just described it that's the thawing out yeah yeah and it's a process yeah and i'm getting that more and slowly thank you so as always thank you you're welcome it's very organic this process is very now bill had the cataclysmic mountaintop white light huge mystical experience all right it was organic in that it changed the direction of his life permanently but most of us don't have that we have what's happening as you all are describing it's kind of like oh oh two years later oh three years later well and i've gotten by enlightened i don't say well i mean clearly i've had my issues but most of my life has been lived up here yeah and that i thought was my strength and so coming into this even though you talked about up here yeah i'm like all i got to do is study stuff you know force it yep and i'm and and thank you for saying that word too because when i say ferocious i don't mean force right i mean this awesome energy that we need to generate to in fact begin to change and even be willing to change and you'll see more of that as we begin because right now it's theoretical at even at the conclusion of step three it's totally theoretical but then we put the uh we we release the clutch in step four if anybody is a ship a shifter driver and we've we begin going on the road with step four yeah that's that's the witness to the legitimacy of our commitment of step three that we begin step four and agreed about the the forcing versus ferocious like me pausing that feels ferocious that doesn't feel forced getting i'll say a response from god or you know what i think god wants that's not forced yeah when i yeah if i try to force it that doesn't yeah yeah you you got it yeah you got it it's not subtle but it sounds subtle until you begin to think about its implications right right thank you so much thank you as always yeah i just wanted to make a comment and say thank you for addressing uh some of the words uh in regards to the and the consideration for the perfectionism or the perfectionistic people out there um it really helped me tonight um because like probably so many other people i've read through this so many times and yeah those words like thoroughly and um rigorous that it just triggers perfectionism and uh yeah i was just curious i mean like i heard you and it you know it kind of it kind of gave me i don't know a space it allowed me to see that there is a space for me not to be perfectionistic in this bit um but i'm still like what does that mean uh how do i do it um and that last share was was pretty good too about the uh force and uh ferocious i appreciate that and i just wondered if you had any other suggestions on questions i can be asking myself or other resources that may have better insight on on this this uh the devilman of perfectionism yeah you know i i don't at the present time other than to say so obviously i do have something to say uh that when you get into the fourth step you'll be you see how it manifests and the unhealthiness of it so you're just i mean it's wonderful that you're stimulated to consciousness and asking questions right now and i guess i have to say hold the questions and allow that energy of lack of resolution to be an energy that takes you into the fourth step where you can have some experience where you will not need much more explanation from anybody you will have an experience with this uh to give you some sense of an answer to those questions right thank you yeah yeah the questions are so much more important than the answers um because if i give you answers and you don't have the questions really existentially visually if you don't have the questions the answers are just all up here but if in fact you hold the question and then you take some actions like we're talking about reading and praying and meditating and talking and writing all of that brings it down into it and it explodes in us as an experience and explode might be too dramatic and yet sometimes you'll hear and you'll experience that it's quite dramatic i've been struggling with something and i haven't been able to see what it is and that is the intensity of making a decision it's this recognition that if i don't make a decision i get to actually stay in a certain victim consciousness i get to blame other people i get to blame god and yet that what this i mean i actually now finally want to make an honest decision and i'm still struggling with it i still feel this uh that the habit of being a victim is deep it's old it's a lifetime's worth yeah and the embarrassment that comes up in experiencing this is very difficult part of what prompted this is coming across this quote from carl young he says no tree it is said can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell and as you speak about the the struggle to do this work and how there are times when it's very difficult and dark and then times when it's slight and insight comes and the light shows this speaks to that and i'm having that experience and i'm not hating it or uh hating myself this time around and i'm grateful for that yeah yeah well and uh you're raising a really really good point uh implied in your commentary and that is taking the third step and praying the prayer is pretty mechanical it's pretty straightforward it's pretty easy but it's a commitment to begin doing the fourth step and when we begin the fourth step that's the evidence that you meant it well here's what's interesting it's not going to be the certitude or the feeling that surrounds the third step it's going to be the fact that you have pen and paper and you've begun your fourth step and then you can realize oh i i really was serious with that third step well here's what's interesting i just finished steps four and five with my sponsor and i'm digging into step six oh yeah and yet as we come back around through two and three i missed something i missed i missed a lot oh yeah sure and it doesn't feel good that that's no question oh i see yeah well get over your feelings yeah yeah exactly exactly because that's 100 of my experience now i wasn't even aware as you're aware that i was missing something i was just seeing some new stuff it never dawned on me that i missed it the first time i always almost blamed my step guides well here's what i get lost in is how much else am i can i you know just this whole circle of i can't see i can't see until i can and that's that's not a productive question thank you yeah no it's not yeah it's a cycle right yes yes that's that's the question of a perfectionist yep right yeah yeah all right thanks so much thank you very much i love the balance term i just love that it's so much more palatable to me than a power you know it just makes life so much more int or i don't know better like peaceful very more doable oh yeah and i'm not sure if i'm a perfectionist doesn't matter and you'll know soon enough the great so um i'm my life at least until now when i'm thinking about it is there's never any gray areas never any it's either black or white and that has caused me so much trouble and grief because it's not all black and white most of it is down the middle so it's that balance and having a a guard rail as to it's not all it will it's not all black and white there is balance and going down the middle is often better and more peaceful and less grief than the other left or right if if that makes sense well so where are you with regard to your approach to step three um balance i i like definitely balance so what was your decision in step two in terms of your concept definitely there is a god there is actually there always has been a god it's just my concept of god has now changed true and what what does it look like now for you um uh serene and peaceful in that he isn't out to get me so so to speak and that i can trust the process and trust that you know you could you focus on that one word trustworthy that might take care of it because it's a very positive word and it will have lots of growth opportunities for you just focus on that whatever this power is it's trustworthy yes yes indeed yeah yeah that's a decision and a choice yeah yeah and then and then and then think about how does that translate then into practical behavior for you yes yeah good excellent yes which i need to meditate on because i'm not sure exactly what that is yet well that's you know quite frankly these workshops are almost like guided meditations as we're doing certainly steps two and three uh reflecting on the concept reflecting on the relationship reflecting on the turning reflecting on the decisions and so there's questions and there's now reading and now there's some writing for you to do and each person will have their own interpretation and their own experience with it and and and one other thing is even though i've been just doing this for a short period of time i'm i'm feeling much more at peace and serene in my life so it's i'm starting to transform and i'm starting to feel things differently than a a month ago all right all right yeah yeah and it'll go in cycle so um it's uh it's wonderful that you're experiencing that but don't get used to it okay i know the hell's coming i think i just wanted to ask um further of your your comment about humility is this is seeing the truth um and i felt that that needed for me in my mind needed further um information yeah and so in my mind i said in accepting and living with it do you agree with that yes actually that's exactly what i mean by it we were having a conversation about reality there with one of the folks and um see reality just is and when i am humble enough to see it as it is rather than having to make it conform to my story or my thinking or my feelings that's for me that's humility that's a perspective that's the perspective of truth living in reality as it is that's humility for me yeah okay thank you and if i may offer um my concept of power um higher power what has come to me this on during this journey is um source the term source and um because then it's a entity from which something comes um and can be obtained and in that sense um provides me with the resources that i need um the assets that um you know i can draw from yeah and it wonderful words and sentences and comments and um hold it and attempt to make it a little more personal well the reason i i went this way this time around was because i was trying to find a place that felt comfortable but wasn't um overly humanizing it for me because that tends to be where i had gone before yeah no wonderful challenge nice yep excellent thank you so much yeah you bet i want to share an experience that i had based on what i'm being in these um you know being in this workshop and what's happening to me and based on what i'm learning i had a really dark day yesterday it just was i fall into some type of a darkness but i know today that in that darkness that's where i find the light and i had this like aha moment and all of a sudden i realized that how crucial this decision that the god that i'm looking for the god that i need is that gentleness is that from now on i have been indicated based on my actions if i'm living in that consciousness or i went back to the unconsciousness it's these actions and then all of a sudden this word came to my mind about a gyroscope so i just looked it up for a minute and what it what i saw was that the axis of that gyroscope is turns based on the orientation of the the that's um on this gyroscope the axis is free and that's what i realized that it's based on my distance or my closeness to the god of my understanding to this gentle vast compassionate broad not constricted that that uh will manifest itself it's based on where i am positioned either i'm close to this you know i'm close to this axis or i'm far away from these axis and i have that freedom that's what i finally realized that i have that freedom i have the freedom to move myself closer or to move myself further away and based on where i am that's what's going to be revealed to me not that i am going to reveal anything it will be revealed to me based on where i position myself and it was so freeing it wasn't scream feeling in this calm feeling and i just i went to bed so free yeah and you in and play with the words of rather than far away or closer more conscious of its proximity or less conscious of its proximity because i don't think that there's any movement on the spirit's part i think the movement is on our part we don't move away we just become unconscious i hear that i can hear that yeah so just just while you're allowing this to have its way with you consider these other dimensions you feel it feels it feels so it just feels good i'm finally learning what really good feels yeah i didn't know it could felt till now at all oh wow i also want to just say one of the spiritual guides that really helped me is eckhart tolle yeah and i listen a lot to his uh things and i stay there with it yeah lots of writers will become much more rich and alive as a result of the work we do here please join me in the prayer of saint francis this is the best articulation of the process of turning and the promise of turning lord make me a channel of your peace that where there is hatred i may bring love that where there is wrong i may bring the spirit of forgiveness that where there is discord i may bring harmony and where there is error i may bring truth but where there is doubt i may bring faith but where there is despair i may bring hope that where there are shadows i may bring light that where there is sadness i may bring joy lord grant that i may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted to understand than to be understood to love than to be loved for it is by self-forgetting that one finds it is by forgiving that one is forgiven it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life amen