23 Step Three - Decision for Relationship with God / Discussion and public witness (p.63)

good afternoon good evening good morning good day wherever you are in the world today my name is herb and i'm an alcoholic welcome to our big book 12-step workshop this is the evening that we close out the first stage of the rocket launch and enter into the second stage of the rocket launch going from step three to step four really invite you to join me in a very conscious and deliberate set aside prayer god please set aside everything i think i know about myself my unmanaged ability the 12 steps in you for an open mind and a new experience with myself my unmanaged ability the 12 steps and especially you please join me in the serenity prayer god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change courage to change the things i can and wisdom to know the difference so we started taking a look at step three about three weeks ago we took a very deep dive into each of the pages trying to unpack what bill meant by his prelude build up to the third step being convinced we were convinced of a and b and c on page 60 and that means really steps one and two that i am powerless and that there is a power and that now we're prepared to take step three which has made a decision a very active commitment on each of our parts a decision there's no action yet but this is a commitment to action a decision to do steps four through nine to turn our will and our lives what we want and what we need what we decide and the actions that go with it the consequences of those actions as manifest in our lives it's the whole megillah our will our decisions our lives the results of those decisions not over to god please over to the care of god this is not surrender i've said the word before a ferocious act of my will because i don't know how to do this i don't think i can do it in fact i'm fairly convinced i can't based on my record and yet i'm going to proceed i'm going to put my crash helmet on i'm going to put my track shoes on i'm going to do a little stretching and i'm going to go for it as long as i i'm in partnership with the power other than myself which will support me as i make this effort in this second stage launch of the rocket ship bill asks us well what do we mean by that you see he's appealing to our thoughts our head our mind the thing that makes us particularly human our ability to reflect what do we mean by that and once we get a clear idea of that looking at pages 60-62 which we've done twice now in step one with regard to unmanageability and now in step two to see its implications because bill is going to invite us to quit playing god answering that second question what do we do get a grip get a perspective get some humility yes you are the center of your world yes absolutely you are the center of your world each of us we're just not the center of the world now that might sound even funny it might sound logical it might go like well yeah and yet most human beings don't really appreciate the implications of that and they take reality personally as if they were the center of reality and that reality should comply with my needs my wants and my expectations and when they don't we get disturbed that's why we're gonna look at step four all the variations on the theme of being disturbed step three is decision step two was the decision for power step three is a decision for the relationship with that power it's academic to make that decision in step two god is or god isn't what is your choice that god exists it's kind of academic unless you apply it what's the implications oh yeah i don't have sufficient power inside of me to deal effectively with my addiction i saw that in the first half of step one oh yes this particular journey i'm praying that this is true for each one of you this particular journey through the steps i had an experience with unmanageability it might be an old experience a new experience on an old experience or it might be a brand new experience but i had an experience of unmanageability seeing those bedevilments as part of my current life even though i'm a week abstinent or a month or a year or a decade the unmanageability is still a nuisance and creating mischief in my life and when we made that decision about power the invitation and suggestion in the big book is on page 55 that it's deep down inside of ourselves oh you mean the solution's already here i'm the problem i have a problem i haven't yet quite embraced the idea that i'm the problem but i have a problem it's not me but i do have a problem i it's the way i was trained by my parents don't you know or treated by my bosses don't you know are treated by my significant other don't you know those were all of my perceptions for sure but it's interesting he said to himself looking at step two that i've made a decision this powers deep down inside of me i guess i'd better have an access to that i better have a connection to that i better have a relationship to that now bill doesn't say that in the big book and yet he does when you read it carefully like we did answering the question just what do we mean he gives us five examples of a relationship and he says it's the keystone that we experience no power in step one we experience a decision about power which is really thin it's based on faith only that the simple decision and then we kind of walk a bridge of hope to trust and we're now we're going to begin to commit to act like it we're going to commit to act like it and that's the trust he says that's the keystone that's the lock in the construction of the spiritual arch through which we walk to a new freedom he said the keystone i introduced a model for understanding step three and quite frankly understanding the balance of and the purpose of the steps my will goes against reality i have higher power there because that's a synonym for reality as reality with a capital r is a synonym for higher power god as i don't understand it there is a life force in the universe that creates the universe i'm clear that's my decision it may or may not be your decision but keep in keep with the the metaphor here no matter what the words are that you use the trouble that comes in my life is because i go against reality i make decisions that are contrary to principles gravity is a principle of physics honesty and simplicity and integrity infidelity those are principles of human nature thousands of years of laws and civilization have codified those those laws reflect human nature and the principles that are universal oh we could call them spiritual principles but we don't need to they're human principles i don't care what your theology is or your philosophy and the whole point of this turning is to be in parallel notice there's two arms here we don't turn our will and our life over to god from my standpoint that's heresy why would god create us only for us to give ourselves back no i don't think so god created us if in fact that's a true story it's a story i believe in god's image and likeness it's a poetic image that was created by some shepherd on a hill writing genesis but it's a great poem god made humans in god's image and likeness god made them male and female image and likeness what is that oh maybe my mind and my will the ability to know and self-reflect and to transcend myself just like god does oh maybe making free and voluntary decisions that take actions that are creative maybe like god does fabulous what a model i don't care whether it's true or not it explains so much to me and it helps me navigate life and it helps me loud navigate the world of the spirit that invisible immaterial world that we enter in step 10. but not before we do steps four through nine in an effective way according to the process and the methodology outlined in the big book alignment's not in the big book but it's the word i use to capture what is in the big book page 14. bill says simple but not easy a price has to be paid it meant the destruction of self-centeredness well that's that unmanageability on page 62 he said we we can't even reduce it much by wishing or trying on our own power and so on page 14 that phrase that paragraph continues we must turn in all things toward the light i skipped a couple words they're not necessary away from the darkness of the self-centeredness that produces of the devilman's to the light that produces the promises a decision for my relationship a decision for my alignment it's just a decision we're not aligned because we made the decision we are committing to it and in a little while today we're going to pray a prayer together as a community in public witness to our decision but be very clear each one of you has already taken the third step you know how i know that you showed up the decision to show up was your commitment now you're in the formality sense you're going to pray the prayer at some point today as a community witness to your decision for showing up what i'd like to do is hear from you now concerning any questions that you might have about steps two or three i'd rather not talk about step one although i'm very open if it's really important to you and um talk about step three primarily if you have a prayer that you wrote out and you would like to read it to us for whatever reason it's very um heartwarming to each of us to hear other people's take on it and some people even find words from other people's words because some people don't have words available to them to capture what their want and what they feel and what they need and what their everything in their soul yearns for so we're gonna go for around 20 minutes maybe 30 minutes with a q a here you ask the question to make the comments and i'll try to provide some of my knowledge and my experience i i wrote my third step prayer and i really thought about it i'm trying to and trying to get a visual or trying to get some connection and i'll read what i wrote but i do have a problem because i don't know if i'm praying to something because my first line is dear holy spirit i give myself to the light within me and i'm playing with the idea of light because it's really important to me please release me from the darkness of self-inflicted bondage when i retreat into past shadows remove the limiting blind spots so i may continue our journey i don't know if i should say my journey or so it's your what it's your prayer i gotta get rid of it grace me with you you know what it it can change as your awareness changes in the very moment that you're praying the prayer because it's not about words it's about your intention go ahead i'm sorry to enter them grace me with humility willingness courage and focus to stay connected and centered nurture me in the warmth of your loving care shine on me that through my actions i may reflect your light and love to others today i turn to the light yeah that's a nice image reflect you to others i like that image a lot yeah so that my question i mean my um question of that is i'm giving myself i i see i give i used to say i give myself to your light within me and i'm trying to initially i didn't have any goddess you know i had the plaster statues of the rosaries but i sort of like deleted that so to speak and got this image of a faraway light and i'm trying to get that light closer and closer to me and i had this image of it just anyways the moon in the darkness a full moon in the darkness and that is my sort of image but that full moon is within me yeah that light so i'm still pronouncing all that sort of get but but the idea is really moving to me yeah i can tell and and you're very thoughtful about it even in reading it and expressing it it's still working you yeah yes yes and you might want to introduce the phrase spark of the divine which i hear you i have that down here i have that down here yeah the spark of the divine a part of the totality yeah and then i thought is it too poetic to get into the dappled light but anyways because i do know if it opens your heart see as soon as i said it your heart boom connected to it because you'd already been there yeah and the idea of dapple light is the light and darkness sort of of life that just happens and keeps moving yeah and that's that's where we i want to be centered and balanced within so okay thank you no thanks for sharing that um i'd like to read my third step prayer and it is source i offer myself over to your care show me the way to build and to nourish thy will please take away from me my unmanageability and my bondage of self may i be shown through your loving and eternal grace ways to provide love and respect to all may thy will be done on this day nice yeah wonderful and the other thing i wanted to mention was about the relationship uh my relationship is with a power that is a source call about law about the law of the universe and my peace that um god cares for i imagined a thread that a thread within me was connected with a thread in my source and then i changed it to a chip it's almost like a you know identification but with that chip inside me is a direct connection to his care and love for me and that it never goes away it's always there and you know i well know that i don't always get what i need and i suffer some you know pain because i'm living life but yet his care is the hand that i've needed and wanted all my life yeah thank you it reminded me of play on words literally uh when i'm [Music] sometimes massaging the eleventh step that talks about improving our conscious contact i go deeper into it and i say well improving our conscious that must mean i have conscious contact and if it's conscious contact that might mean that in fact there's contact before consciousness that's kind of like just the way i think and and applying that i go back to step two step two was a decision of constant contact that god is and god is everything constant contact there is no place that there is not god outside inside so step two was the place that i affirmed my constant contact but step three was the first time that i became conscious of the constant contact and then steps four through nine allowed the removal of the obstacles to that conscious contact and step 10 continues that process of removal of the impediments and in the 11th step i'm committed to a practice of improving that conscious contact so that's pretty cool play on which from my standpoint that integrates all of the steps in terms of how they're working for us i just wanted to share since this classes started it's just been one thing after another the concussion and other medical things going on and today i had a tooth pulled and um and i brought that relationship in the dental chair yeah you set aside your tooth i set aside my tooth yes i did and and i mean this this girl she was tiny man she could pull and i just said god let her hands be your hands and then their guardian angels let their guardian angels work with my angels and that whole room i mean it wasn't a psychedelic trip freak uh trip but it was like there was a presence in that dental chair and then when she asked the assistant to hold my chin and i go under the care of god she is holding that tooth was out in less than 20 minutes that was god right and how have you prepared for the third step i have um i have a prayer and it's private and i'm using it for my own so this was my application of my prayer got it wonderful all right thanks very much you know i was writing out what i needed god what i wanted god to be and what i needed god to be and um you know i always felt that i've been a conduit not that god resided in me that he never it the energy never stuck inside of me but i was always just moving through me and i was struck about i don't know why it never occurred to me before because i wasn't thinking about it i just you know god exists and you know we made a decision we did our fourth step we did our first step i'm not i'm not contemplative in that sense i just want to keep it simple and keep moving that was just a big deal to me today so i just wanted to share it it's a big deal because you're ruminating on it you're chewing it to get the juice out of it and it's giving you some new experience with it and just continue with that absolutely and this set-aside prayer i think has really re-awakened all kinds of possibility wonderful oh i like that awakened new possibilities that that is a wonderful phrase yeah not conceivable possibilities so that's really like that's the whole point right it's really fresh for somebody that's been around a while i love that thank you yeah thank you very much i'm going to read my uh rewriting of of this the first step prayer in my own words and i'd like to start with divine companion because i too wish to not be alone anymore so it starts out dear divine companion i offer my thoughts and actions to you for you to build a better self take away my obsession with my own problems and worries so i can focus on what you would have me be and do for others help me solve my problems with unmanageability so i can carry the lantern and show others the way to a more serene life gifted by your power and love guide me to do your work daily wonderful thank you thank you yeah i made it personal for me to write it in a letter form yeah thank you thanks for the suggestion as i was preparing to write my version of my prayer um god gave me uh two versions first came the electronic version and then the spiritual version and i thought i wanted to share the electronic version with you just because it made me smile and gave let me know that even in the you know the depth of this work i can have a light heart yes that's all right to go ahead yes please thank you god my fuses are blown please repro reprogram the data banks in my mind and rewire the connections in my spirit my existing power grid continues to fail please upgrade my system to align with you and your source in my reconfiguration please orient my my modules and to be providing positive energy output to the co units i am operating in conjunction with in this matrix called life i ask that you allow the best in me to match you and be charged with and lit up by your power thank you god nice nice it was fun no that was fun and it's a wonderful image for yourself in terms of a connection to power which you can relate to because you've got all the words and what did you mean by the spiritual version oh that was that's just the more regular version that i wrote out after i wrote was given that a first one i see well it's great that you played with it that's i'm really encouraging people to you know wear this garment loosely i mean it's serious work and we take it seriously obviously but to also have a kind of a light heart to it so that we can have a little bit of fun maybe yeah thank you my higher power has such takes such care is so intentional and if i can align what i'm doing my actions my thoughts with that like purity of of the care that god takes that's like bingo yeah yeah what you're saying is the love and care is always there but we need to turn into it to remove the impediments it doesn't change the source to us it changes our relationship to the source yeah yes and and and the relationship to like my decisions yeah yeah you know my will because you know i mean i don't know how many times you know especially early on and write recovery when i was thinking of doing something that was kind of a little slippery you know like in that middle zone and you know and i can see it in other people too they get this strange guilty grin like they've just eaten the canary and the feathers like no you don't see it so that's not being aligned right right that's being sneaky like okay let me like kind of shimmy around got like the care that god is like that god is yeah in some way believing the delusion of my perception of value for me is in fact the truth and the reality can you say that yeah yeah it'll be more clear after you finish the fourth step but the the we all operate in our best interest for me there's no question about that all of the mischief that we do and i'm being kind with that word all of the mischief that we do it's because we think it's going to be good for us in the long run that's what i mean by the delusion well that's definitely delusional thinking for sure yes yes well and that's one of the the classic traditional definitions of insanity doing the same thing over expecting different results and that's the story of every one of our lives until in fact we wake up and start becoming sane meaning reality is what it is and it's not negotiable yeah and again these words will have so much more smack power when we finish the fourth step yeah um the word impeccability is coming through it's sort of whispered in here you know that there's a uh an impecca you know turning my will to align with the care of god is like you know like you know and now it's like well what would god i mean it really is like what would god have me be what would god have me do it's like makes so much sense yes yes you know and that's the thing to do yes yeah you know to do it as purely as i can interpret it to be so you're able to interpret it more purely to use your words when you're more conscious and you're more conscious when you remove the impediments to your consciousness and that's what steps four is primarily but also four through nine is yeah and ten is just a uh rinse and repeat i'm work i've been working on step four for a while with my sponsor in one of my programs so i'm really grateful to like you know feel like i'm like perched you know to have like a whole new like the second half of this step forward to be really um interesting yeah thank you be at least interesting you will be interested in your experience and feedback thank you yeah so i'd like to share it with everybody uh dear god i am and i got this from uh dr bob actually dear god i am deeply sorry about the mass i've made of my life and i ask your forgiveness for it all i know you have the power to change my heart and heart and selfish ways and i am now fully and completely ready to turn my will and my life over to your loving care god i ask that you be the gps in my life my director my principal and most of all the loving father i have always wanted please guide me through each moment of this day and reveal your will for me take away any fears and difficulties that stand in the way of being of maximum service to you my loving god and father and all those that surround me thank you god for wrapping me in your loving arms under your care and protection i have everything i could possibly need i love it when you talk about alignment i just love that i love when you talk about unpacking i love how you say it takes time it's eased my mind i thought jesus i got to get this now and i'm good i can hang out with her for years if i have to i hear these people on here and the last thing i want to say is how much of a difference my sponsor also said when we started working together every day i want you to say the set aside prayer i'd i'd heard bob d say it at conferences but i'd never i never said it and i never really said the serenity prayer like how i got from you so combined and i do believe this every morning i get on my knees every night and i believe that prayer even though i don't know if i'm meaning it or i've kind i don't know any of that i just know i trust it's working and i am just overflowing with gratitude to you herb thank you so much you're welcome and maintain that energy again i'll be interested in your feedback you're having done a fourth step recently as we get into it we will be in the fourth step for probably three or four months so it's not going to be a quick autobiography it's going to be a very deep dive into the analysis of the underlying causes and conditions and i think that's so important you know doing the deep dive i feel ready for that now where i'm at so i've done it but i'm so good i i love that when i joined the beginning of april you were just finishing the last half of step one and uh i love the deep dive right now it's working so again thank you so much thanks so much so many positive people talking i'm hoping to bring anybody down here you know i i really didn't want to share but i'm feeling pretty good today but i was in a very dark place over the um a few days ago and you know going through the workshop here i was able to you know in the process addiction be able to see some evidence about what i really worshiped you know and it was not what i would what i even thought i got to see it pretty clearly and i'm trying to i'm trying to like say this in a general way but i had prostate cancer and i had my prostate removed so i it really to me it wasn't about the cancer it was the death of my sex life and it was it's devastating and it still is i haven't accepted it you know and it puts me in a place where i just don't i don't know where to go like i'm always thinking that i have it worse than anybody else you know i said oh at least you could do that you know what i mean so that's where i'm at and this yesterday was such a great uh class a great meeting when they said their pain could be taken me to the light you know my suffering is taking me to a new place now i have a friend who had the same thing and when when before i had my surgery he says and i go ask him about the sex or whatever and he goes oh you can work on your spiritual life i said hey i can do both i don't need to take anything away from me right that's right there's no incompatibility there exactly i'm good with that and and we'll see what happens you know i i'm even getting some outside i'm talking to somebody on some outside health you know before and um you know and i i was into this last year when you were doing the the fourth step and i listened and i and and this is going to be a fourth step i stay away from the victim mentality it's not like why me or something like this but there is some truth to that now i have this and i'm looking forward to uh the fourth step in moving on you know and like you say reality is reality 100 of the time avoid i i used i'm a complainer but guess what nothing it nothing that i complained about before means anything i would give it give it all back you know but anyway i'm always making a deal here so uh yeah i really appreciate what i'm going through i i'm not happy what i'm going through but i don't what can i do anyway well who can go through it yeah and and and maybe acquire just a little bit of dignity and grace as you navigate it all right yeah yeah yeah thanks very much i haven't really to my memory i don't know what i was like in early sobriety but done this kind of depth of examination of what is a higher power and i'm really fascinated with some of the thoughts i'm having and some of the resistance i'm having and how much like i was talking to my boyfriend today about it he was just like listening but it's not a topic he really was interested in at all but i um i'm just i'm struggling with things like his plan and his will and all this his stuff and all i like i don't i'm not saying i don't believe in everything and that i just all that i just realized this verbiage is not working for me and so i'm having to really really like overhaul everything because um you know i a lot of times i do that serenity prayer because i'm supposed to and i feel almost like you know what we're all pretending we have these great higher powers and our will and we're turning them over that feels like a bunch of and i really feel a lot of people aren't just parroting this stuff and pretending and i'm sorry for people that aren't but i just that's just my feeling that i've been going through and i really um and i know that i have a higher power but i really like recreating it i mean i'm kind of not ready for this third step i'm still in two i guess i don't know but anyway i just want to say thank you for this opportunity because the way that i'm approaching and examining my higher power is just so much deeper and and more beneficial i think i think i i really do think i am going to have a deeper spiritual awakening because of this but i am not looking forward to that fourth step or the third i mean i did write a third step you know i'm not going to read it but you know it it felt good to rewrite it yeah anyway i just needed to admit this because i feel like i'm hiding all these little things in a dark corner and i wanted to bring it to the light and i just you know i just that turn my will over i i have a lot of thoughts about that i'm not saying i need to be in my will i definitely need to be tuned into some kind of force and higher power but i think the thing i'm looking for that's not gonna maybe it'll happen i don't know is for me to say oh i turn my will over and then all of a sudden i'm just gonna be doing all these good things that i wanna do instead of doing not doing the good things that i want to do and procrastinating it happened with the smoking it happened with the drinking but i really wanted to quit smoking and i really wanted to quit drinking and i do want to stop eating and overeating and i do want to exercise but there must be a part of me that is just not ready to surrender to that but i don't feel like turning my will and god's gonna magically help me with that i don't know i i don't know if i'm making any sense but thank you you're making total sense and probably speaking for 85 of the group quite frankly you know i mean at various levels many people don't actually really know what this is going to involve and i haven't talked much about the fourth step but i've i've allowed some vocabulary to come out that says this is going to be a different experience unless you've been with me before than you've ever had before so what does that mean and you've already had a spiritual awakening the energy that you have the questions that you're asking yourself the challenges and the experiences that you're now aware of the very evaluation that perhaps some of it might be superficial and road that's huge okay yeah yeah and and the nice part about it the third step is you don't have to mean it absolutely not you have to show up you're welcome to pray it with us but then the evidence of your commitment will be that you will do the assignment that i'll give you tonight on the first piece of the step four inventory you see you don't have to like it and you don't have to want to do it and you don't have to feel good about it you just have to do it and as you do it it'll be very interesting to see how your insights change not by sunday but by someday yeah and i i just want to say i mean the real higher path that i'm 100 sure of is when i am going to meetings and i'm talking to people in the program that's when i get a power greater than myself you know yeah well i mean that's nice but i have that 24 7 i don't have to be in a meeting i don't have to be talking to anybody else so there's more well good i'm ready for more i'm an addict i want more i'm a hermit i like my solitude thank you so much someone that shared just a couple shares someone that talked just a few shares ago uh said something that brought something up in my memory about a guy that uh i can't repeat it exactly but it was like he talked about having defected a defective hard drive oh and then on a daily basis i need to update my software and that's such relevant um it's such relevant um verbage for today's world you know with phones and computers and whatever and the guy just said it and i don't even think he you know what i mean like he didn't rehearse it no no just comes out he was putting into words his current vocabulary to have a metaphor that would work that's wonderful absolutely yeah when when i heard the lady talking it just kind of brought it back to my memory about uh the way he shared that and what that was i i can relate a lot to that obviously you know because um i mean and in one way or another maybe everyone can but yeah being broken being able to understand that your um your thinking your hard drive is potentially not that it's not potentially working correctly and that if we can update our software on a daily basis hence um a conscious contact with a higher power yeah or or maybe get a new hard drive absolutely i mean yeah yeah i don't know much about the technology but that's what happened to me i i got a a whole new mechanism that i didn't even know existed yeah i just want to share that thank you i'm glad you did thank you very much i just wanted to share my third step prayer but um you know the biggest thing is what i've been going through with this part of this third step going into it and then the second step is the the will and the how it's changed so i just want to read it and then um i want to tell you what i think okay dear god please take me today body and soul guide me and protect me from my own will allow me to empower the light not the dark keep me from evil and all its trappings free me from myself then i may walk this journey alongside of you thy will be done not mine amen you know and the reason i i you know it's so easy to forget to pray you know i'm in a meeting every day we do the third step prayer every day as part of our awakenings meeting and uh that you know but i've been doing some exercising and uh skipping that meeting a bit and therefore i forget to pray and unless i stop and pray and ask for help the power of the prayer where i can say to myself don't yell at that poor little caregiver you know say a prayer and and and you know and manage my life like that and the last two weeks it's been really really working maybe that's why i turned my camera on right here there you go there you go you can give us your happy face thank you oh thanks good to see you again um i wrote the third step prayer but the truth is i thought i didn't really write it like i almost feel it was written through me or it just wrote whatever it was so i i will share it um and this is what came out when i was just sitting in meditation and writing so what it is essence of my essence breath of my breath realign me with your reality reunite me with your being quiet the disturbances within me so i may hear your gentle whispers integrate me with your reality so i may become one with a moment show me the way back heal my brokenness so i may become a part of your oneness take from me that which disturbs the flow of your oneness to flow through me make me a part of your flow [Music] and the gentleness and the kindness and the positivity that's what i need more i need more it was such a good feeling to rewrite that third step prayer in a way then i see what what i really need what i need to become um to become one again and so it's uh it's good to make it so personal this is what i need yeah well and and for me that's the two major shifts in your approach your attitude your approach your perception one is the gentleness and the other is making it so personal yeah because you had a very how do you say uh biblical or literal or harsh or uh distant kind of uh perception of this reality and and i heard from the beginning it began to shift in you know and it's being noticed that's what's so interesting i was with my husband the other day and he and we were walking and he said you know something has changed in you so i'm just praying to keep keep coming back yeah yeah that's just show up and do the next indicated thing my wonderful tells me to say the third step before i go to bed at night because it gives god an opportunity to build with me my my i love the prayer as it's written in the big book right offering myself to god to build with me and then i go to sleep and then i'm out of the way and he can you know do his thing and like three-way construction do it at night so it doesn't interfere with my day time right but i gotta tell you um sir i you know the deep gratitude i feel today for you i've been i've been i have books on my shelf from you from 25 years ago and and you know i'm sitting here with a year sober because i wasn't willing to in my sobriety prior to this one to do the work yeah you stay and you stay and you stay and and it's just it just proof it's proof to me that that miracles god performs miracles in spite of me it's like watching a garden grow yeah and and i you know and i know he it's just like i didn't do anything he just makes it crowd hey use you let me say this i wrote it down when i logged into the meeting and that you were talking about accountability and someone mentioned consistency and i'm working with the sponsor my for the second time on my sixth step and it's asking about giving up things and i know we're not there yet but you you said something you said something about being accountable yeah um that was for me the key to the effectiveness of six and seven was prayer the seven step prayer because i'm powerless but the six step willingness because i'm human and that willingness as a demonstration is demonstrated through my accountability thanks for watching okay here's my here's my prayer i just wrote it out here's my prayer higher power i believe in a loving undeniable force in the universe that is unexplainable i believe in your power that cares about my life and the choices i've been making about it i behold your great love i choose the faithful acts the faithful belief my god please move through my life then i may be a channel for your power to guide and walk the path of recovery that you have for me for others to share in god although the big book bible has been the springboard the liberation of my life since 1986 it's been dated and not the only answer in developing and embracing this evolution with you with self with others so i'm confessing i thank you for not abandoning me thank you for proclaiming that the god of my forefathers of religion is not the power that saves me so thank you for introducing the solution of aca to me in helping me develop a relationship with the loving parent inside of me and little by slow developing a trusting relationship with my inner children as i gain a trust and care and forgiveness and love that i've not ever had i'm for you thank you for caring for loving me may i be a channel of your life nice nice nice yeah i really like the way everybody picked up on the whole point of the conversion is to bear witness to help other people that's a that's not a subtle message but many people don't see it as clearly as everybody's prayer and conversation did so thanks so much thank you so i would like to talk a little bit now about the third step prayer and process i'm inviting you to pray it with me out loud and you're welcome to unmute while we do that or not because i will be managing the prayer it won't be spontaneous on your part you don't need to know it you don't need to memorize it you don't need to read it you don't need to see it although i will have it up on the powerpoint i'm going to lead you in what's called antiphonal prayer and what that means is it's the image that i experienced in the monastery where in the chapel a bank of monks on the right hand side would begin a song or a prayer and pause and the bank of monks on the left-hand side would pick it up and sing or pray and back and forth it would go in the morning for a half an hour as we did our morning chant it's called antiphonal prayer anti meaning back and forth phonal coming from the latin phonus meaning sound so it's a sound like a tennis match going back and forth i will pray a word and pause you pray the word i will pray a phrase and pause you will pray pray the phrase together and in this way in a very measured way we will go through the third step that's in the big book um i do have in the prayer that i have on the powerpoint substituted the words for thou and thy i've updated it to the current english language which i will in fact pray you're welcome to use the words from the book if that's a preference on your part you're also obviously welcome not to pray it out loud but to pray it silently or you're also of course welcome not to pray it at all to pray your own prayer so i'm going to uh in a minute not write it right away but i and i will remind you of the protocol the liturgy that we'll be doing liturgy comes from the greek word liturgos which means the work of the people this is the work of the community this is an acknowledgement of a commitment as a community that we're going into this second stage of the rocket launch the real work it's a commitment to turn realizing that we can't turn on our own power and that we need the power of the step two decision and the step three relationship that we chose in faith and hope and trust when i finished the ninth step it was very clear to me in 1988 for the very first time i was five years older i did those steps for the first time out of the big book and when i finished it took a year when i finished the ninth step and i paused and i looked back over my shoulder i had done a lot of work but it was very clear to me i had made a decision to turn in the third step i had done all of the steps four through nine as a method of turning and my bottom line evaluation was that i was turned i made a decision to turn and i did a lot of work but i was turned there's the willingness and the grace and you may not experience that during the process but by the end of the process as you pause on the path and you look over your shoulder and you breathe and you pay attention to what's happened i think you'll all probably have the same experience so short i mean small or large that in fact you've done a lot of work and you've had a major transformative experience i have no doubt about that everyone everyone major not minor major transformative experience and you will all each feel absolutely that you fulfilled your commitment of turning but you've also experienced the grace of being turned listen to that promise now on page 63. i'm going to meditate it through that first paragraph we've read it before i've commented on it before i'm not going to comment much on it we'll see what happens with that that's my intention but it's a meditation in preparation for the prayer this promise of the third step this promise of the commitment this promise of the turning turning from our self-centeredness to the power and the light deep down inside of us this promise this commitment to use the best in us to manage and diminish the worst in us when we sincerely took this position think about the relationship that you've made a decision to have is it parent mother father sophia wisdom guide teacher healer lover what is it that your heart yearns for as a relationship the word or phrase you chose in step two may have con given you a connotation of what that relationship is but in step three you get to make a very clear and conscious decision of the relationship that you're going to hold as your vision statement your ideal until it needs to change based on whatever stage of evolution your consciousness goes through when we sincerely made a decision to have this relationship all sorts of remarkable things followed we had a new refurbished fresh relationship being all-powerful god provides what i need if i keep close to god and perform god's work well established on this footing we became less and less interested in ourselves here the process less and less more and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life that's the turning to other centeredness as we felt new power flow in as we enjoyed peace of mind as we discovered we could face life successfully as we became conscious of god's presence we began to lose our fear of today tomorrow or the hereafter hear the process hear the promise hear the turning we began to lose we began to lose our fear of today of tomorrow even death itself we are reborn this is a decision for a relationship a commitment to turn to be in alignment with reality a caring power please join me in praying the third step prayer antiphonally i will pray a word pause and you can pray it out loud pray it together and we'll go very slow thoughtful in a very contemplative filled with consciousness [Music] to as you wish relieve me of the bondage of self i may better do your will your will take away my difficulties take may bear witness maybe [Music] may i do your will always always i would like also now ask you as a community to pray it together in unison if you can attempt to stay in a rhythm with each other so that it's not total cacophony now i would like to pray it as you've we've contemplatively prayed at each word each phrase as a group in unison as it's written either in the big book you're welcome to do that or as it's written in the powerpoint please join me in praying it all together in a flow god is um so thank you so much for cooperating with the instructions i hope that it meant something to you to do these steps together this prayer together and some people unavoidably said amen because that's the normal way we end prayer but you might want to pay attention to the fact that there is no amen in the third step prayer in the big book and i had to ask myself the question well why is there no amen there i don't know the answer i've not read anything about it i've not heard anything about it but in my own evaluation it's because my sense is bill calls it a beginning so it's not the end of a prayer it's the beginning of a process of removing the impediments in us to that light that is in us by removing that darkness that is in us and we do that in steps four and five of course analytically getting underneath it all and then confessing it and in step six acknowledging we have character defects that are getting in our way of the light and that we're powerless to do anything about it but willing to have them removed and we say the seven step prayer might create or wonderfully begun my creator i need to be recreated please come and change those parts in me that are in your way amen there is an amen at the end of the seven step prayer because i believe that's the end of the process of the rehabilitation of me in terms of the removal of the darkness and the replacement of it with the light bill calls step three a beginning of a stage of development basically a rite of passage is what he calls it in step 6 in the 12 and 12 a passage from childhood to adulthood where we take full responsibility for our life as it is so back to the powerpoint we looked at this bondage of self as unmanageability and we're holding the hope of freedom but step four is going to be removing those bars and realizing that there is no ceiling there is no floor there are no walls they'll talk about the spiritual arch through which we walk to a new freedom this is my um artistic rendition of this the foundation i see of this arch is step one bill doesn't call it such but he does refer to it in the architectural analogy and it makes total sense we need a very strong foundation we spent three months digging that foundation very deep and having an experience with our addiction and having an experience with our unmanageability hopefully having some inclination that we've been defeated either by our addiction or more significantly by our unmanageability on a daily basis no matter how abstinent we are we're not cured bill says we have a daily reprieve he calls step two the cornerstone the willingness to believe that there is a power the faith decision that there is a power and step three the keystone that decision again that was made and committed to and witness to now tonight in public a decision to turn by doing step four and coming then to step five as you can see at the end of the arch on the right hand side that's where bill talks about the arch again in the big book at the end of step five he doesn't talk about it in between step three and five i assume then that step four is one of the building blocks resentment we'll unpack it deeply a building block fear and we'll take a deep look at this human condition this emotional response it's in every human being in addicts and alcoholics addicts of any kind it's on steroids as is our unhealthy sex acts thoughts feelings behavior i add to it to complete the review of the fourth step looking at dishonesty and secrets because i want to be free we walk through this arch to a new freedom it's it's a lot of work to build it it's a lot of work to walk through it but freedom's on the other side i want you to take a look at pages 63 and 64. assignment number 11 10 and 11. i guess you're taking a look at 10 already i didn't go over it yet i won't tonight i'll go over it next week the introduction to step four but the first work that we do is the resentment inventory i'm starting very simple make a list of resentments well what's a resentment it's a fancy word for anger the word comes from latin centire to feel and you put an re in front of it it means to feel it again anger resentment anger turns into resentment anger is a reaction to some perceived hurt or betrayal and if we hold it for a period of time it becomes a resentment i don't know what that period of time is but it's longer than a normal anger that would dissipate we hold it it might be a day it might be a week it might be a lifetime i've dealt with people who have had a 40 to 50 year resentment toward their mother or their father or both and they get free the point is here they get free resentment make a list of now if while you're making that list it comes to you why you're angry that would be the column too don't worry about organization don't worry about forms or anything along that line just use 8 by 11 paper if that's what you are used to using or type it if that's what you're used to mechanically doing and that's easy for you make a list of the people institutions and principles those are the three categories people pretty straightforward institutions maybe the military maybe the catholic church maybe the religious tradition that you have institution maybe the irs maybe the school system maybe the state legislature maybe the one of the political parties whatever resentment it is you're holding this is this hot red lava that's in us we're not talking about mosquitoes we're talking about white shark five thousand pound white shark look for the big stuff not for the little stuff make a list doesn't have to be neat it doesn't have to be in order down the road when we get to column three i'll be giving you some worksheets to work with so you don't this is just all preparatory work if while you make the list of the people institutions and principles that you have anger about resentment about rage about you might think about why you're angry and you could take a look at page 65 in the big book to see those first two columns and how succinct they are we're not doing therapy here we're not doing psychology here we're not doing catharsis here we're looking at facts just the facts not the story not the build up just the facts i'm angry at my dad because he didn't come to any of my sporting events that's a true one for me in the past i don't have that anger anymore but i had a volcanic rage and he was already dead 12 years when i was doing this work in 1988 and it was taken away the rage the anger the resentment were taken away no negative valence at all freedom this is the promise so this is where we're going to begin i'll do an introduction to the whole concept of step 4 next tuesday in terms of the panoramic view and then we'll narrow down into the resentment and go word by word on page 63 and 64 so that we unpack steps excuse me column 1 and column 2 and answer any questions that you might have on that before we get any further this is the simple part it gets a little more complex as at least i've done it once we uh go beyond that the first time i did this work i made a list i had 85 people it was the first time i'd ever done a thorough inventory three years later and i got i got free a lot but three years later i did an inventory again with another man and i had the same 85 people on the list all right three years later i did the inventory not one of the 85 people was on the list i'm saying it's a process now i know more about it i can help you facilitate it so it doesn't take six years okay well thank you i appreciate that and i'm really excited to do it i want to be free of this i do we all do we're here we're here because we're in bondage and we suffer from it and we don't want to suffer and freedom's on the other side yes exactly thank you so much thank you yeah you bet wonderful good start to the second stage and let's pray oh let's see if i can get this back up here yeah we go let's pray the transformation prayer of saint francis this is where we're going we're going to the promises that are indicated in this all of the positive words will be the grist for our mill in several months lord make me a channel of your peace that where there is hatred i may bring love that where there is wrong i may bring the spirit of forgiveness that where there is discord i may bring harmony that where there is error i may bring truth that where there is doubt i may bring faith that where there is despair i may bring hope that where there are shadows i may bring light that where there is sadness i may bring joy lord grant that i may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted to understand than to be understood to love than to be loved for it is by self-forgetting that one finds it is by forgiving that one is forgiven it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life amen thanks everybody you are now entering the stage of dying this is the death of the false self yep painful but therapeutic