Jimmy Kimmel Roasts Trump & His MAGA Minions at Our Alternative White House Correspondents’ Dinner

I'm Jimmy. I am a host of the show. Thank you for watching. Thank you for joining us here in Los Angeles on a big night for football of all things in April. A special welcome to those of you who tuned in earlier for the NFL draft on ABC. That it's a special night of the year when football fans find out which young men they'll be yelling the F-word at all next season. Tonight, 16 of our nation's most talented prospects gathered in Pittsburgh, each hoping and praying that their name would not be called by the Jets. And speaking of Jets, President Trump is said to be hashing out a deal that would give the US government up to a 90% ownership stake in Spirit Airlines. And who better to own Spirit than the man who ran his own airline into the ground? They're planning to invest $500 million. What is Spirit going to do with 500 med? They have one economy plus seat and it's in the pilot's lap. But Donald Trump needs a miracle. His poll numbers are way down. And I for one cannot think of a better way to get Americans to rally around him than spending 500 million of our dollars to save the least popular airline in the history of the planet Earth. Are we really going to throw a life raft to an airline that doesn't even have a life raft? You know, I flew Spirit recently and they wouldn't let us off the plane until everyone Venmoed the pilot for gas money. We have a major development in the Trump Epstein files. You know how Melania gave that impromptu press conference a couple weeks ago saying she had nothing to do with Epstein or Gelain Maxwell? Well, it turns out, at least according to the Daily Beast, that a week after that, Maxwell, who is currently seeking a pardon from Trump, sent a mysterious USB drive to the Department of Justice. The drive was received by Trump appointee Jay Clayton, seen here during hour three of watching the president eat McRibs. And since it was received, we've heard nothing about it. You remember how interested Republicans were? They wanted how much they wanted to get their hands on Hunter Biden's laptop. That is exactly how uninterested they are in seeing this USB drive. Politico is reporting that Republicans on the House Oversight Committee are split on whether Trump should grant Gelain Maxwell a pardon in return for her testimony. Democrats are not split on that. They do not want that to happen. But I think we can see how this is going to go. The Republicans will request the pardon. Trump will reluctantly grant the pardon. Well, they wanted it. You know me. I don't get involved. Maxwell tells them exactly what she and Trump's head of the DOJ, Todd Blanch, agreed she'd tell them when he moved her from a real prison to a senior living facility. She exonerates Trump, goes free, and we just sit there and watch it happen. And all the horrible people live happily ever after. If only there were some other way to find out what happened besides pardoning Epstein's primary accomplice. some set of files for instance that could be released or something or unreacted. You know, Melania made an appearance at the first lady's lunchon today. This is an annual event held at the Washington Hilton where the first lady gives a speech and sometimes gets a gift. >> Mrs. Trump, it is a true honor to have you with us today. We are delighted to present a special gift and it's on the other side and if you can see it. It's a painting. We're going to unveil it. There we go. >> Beautiful. It's It's so realistic. It's It's almost like you're on the plane with them. Melania will also be joining her husband back at the Hilton on Saturday for the White House correspondents dinner. Now, this is usually a fun, light-hearted event, but there's a report that said Trump is planning to use his time on stage to launch an attack on the media outlets he doesn't like. So, it will be a rare opportunity to see the president express his displeasure with the press. But Trump promised that this is going to be the greatest, hottest, and most spectacular dinner of any kind ever. The only thing hotter than this dinner are his diapers on the golf course. So, and the president isn't the only guest of honor. This is a charity event, but it also is an awards dinner for journalists. And this is funny. The Wall Street Journal is getting an award for publishing that erotic birthday card. They say Trump sent Jeffrey Epstein for his 50th, which is a real conundrum for the president because according to the journal, technically he wrote that card, which means that award should partly go to him. You know, it's the one time he actually deserves to win something and he's going home empty-handed. But the Daily Beast and they said his plan is to lambast the media and leave. A mic drop moment, which I think would be disappointing. This is the first time Trump is even going to the correspondents dinner as president. But he doesn't have to worry about being made fun of because the event isn't being hosted by a comedian this year. They hired a mentalist named Oze, who by the way will be on our show Monday to provide the entertainment instead, which breaks with a many years of tradition at the correspondence dinner. Typically, someone funny shows up and roasts the luminaries and the president and everyone. But our president is a delicate snowflake with the thinnest fat skin of any human being ever. And that means there's going to be no comedian this year. So, I thought, why not take a page from the Kid Rock alternative halftime show and do some of the jokes a comedian might do if our president wasn't a trembling drama queen who's scared of comedy. So, give me an intro, Lou, and make it a big one, will you? Live from the Trump Kimmel Center in Washington, DC, it's the All-American White House Correspondents Dinner, here's your host for the night, Jimmy Kimmel. Harry Potter. Welcome to the 2026 White House Correspondents Dinner. Look at you all dressed up in formal wear, dresses, tuxedos. I haven't seen this much black since every page of the Trump Epstein files. We're going to have fun tonight. I'm And I'm happy you decided to stay, Mr. President. And don't worry, if we bruise your ego, it'll only make your hands look less disgusting. that the president didn't want me to tell any jokes about him tonight, but he also didn't want to pay me $130,000 to shut up. So, here we are. Sorry, mushroom. Ice, baby. Ice. By the way, in the unfortunate event that our president has a medical emergency tonight, do we have a doctor in the h? I mean, I'm sorry. I mean, do we have a Jesus in the house? I always confuse them, too. I get why you think you're Jesus. This guy, every time he walks into a room, people say, "Christ, he's back. You're looking good though, Mr. President." Who did your makeup? Craft singles. As the president will tell you repeatedly until you beg him to stop, President Trump has accomplished so much during his second term. He passed new incentives for oil and gas. He put the brakes on solar and wind. That will be your legacy, sir. breaking wind and passing gas. I do have to ask though, why do you hate windmills so much? Is it because they can still get turned on by being blown? Marco knows what I'm talking about. He's been there. But I do want to praise the pus. Uh, look how far you've come. 30 years ago, you're just some rich guy on Jeffrey Epstein's private jet out of Teterboro. But you worked hard. You stayed friends. You shared some wonderful secrets. And because of that, you're able to fly on that plane seven more times. Dreams really do come true. Am I right, dog? The bounty hunter. That's right. We miss you so much. And of course, our first lady, Melania, is here. Look at So beautiful. Mrs. Trump, you have a glow like an expectant widow. You know, Melania's birthday is on Sunday. That's right. She's uh planning to celebrate at home the same way she always does, looking out a window and whispering, "What have I done?" As you're all aware, Melania is a movie star now. Her documentary had a score of 10% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is a website named after her husband's testicles. And I want to congratulate you, Madam First Lady, on your huge accomplishment. The world's first motionless picture. And that Oh, by the way, before we go any further, Melania, this is Donald. Donald, this is Melania. That was my impression of Jeffrey Epstein. Pretty good, right? I do have an important announcement, and I'm sorry to say it's bad news. JD Vance is here. It's hard to get JD to come to an event like this. He's a real homebody. His wife had to peel him off the couch. And that reminds me, please do not get up from your seats during the performance because the vice president will them. What a group of patriots. Oh, look at who we have here. Steven Miller. Which one of you said his name three times? Steven Miller is so racist. The reason he went bald is because his hair was black. Steven Miller puts the cyst in white supremacist. It he's like if baby Hitler traveled in time to kill us. Oh, hey Mel. What's happening? Congrats on getting all your guns back. Sugar tits. So many stars are here tonight. Mel Gibson, Rob Schneider is here. Kanye is with us. Roseanne is here. The whole cast of Who Used to be a Millionaire is here. And if anyone starts any trouble, fear not because FBI director Cash Patel is standing by. Waitress, can we get Cash of Vodka soda and a booster seat, please? You know, Trump announced that he wants to reopen Alcatraz, and Cash was like, "You had me at Alca." I'M NOT saying Cash Patel has a problem, but his designated driver is Pete Haggath. Pete, the accelerator is the one on the right and the brake is on. No, you know it. Okay. Pete's hair has more oil in it right now than the straight of Hormuz. And don't worry about the straight. Pete has a plan. I know that for a fact. His wife accidentally buttexed the plans to me. And there you go. Later on, Pete's going to read us a Bible passage from Pulp Fiction. So stick around. But Pete's working hard to keep our country safe and RFK Jr. is working out to make us healthy again. Bobby Kennedy, this is a crazy story. So years ago, he wrote in his diary that he pulled his car over to the side of the road to carve the penis out of a raccoon. His whole family was in the car. And his son asked him, "Dad, why did you do that? Why did you chop the penis off a dead animal?" And he looked at his son, he said, "BECAUSE I'M A PSYCHOPATH. NOW GET OUT OF THIS CAR AND GO GET MEASLES. >> HEY, speaking of psychopath sons, how about a round of applause for Eric and Don Jr. who are here tonight. Hey guys, what's up? If there's time, maybe I can introduce you to your father later on, huh? So Don Jr. and his fiance just had their bridal shower at Mara Lago. And the rumor is that their wedding might happen at the White House, which wouldn't that be amazing? We could see a Donald Trump get married and a Donald Trump get divorced in the same building. The wedding will be just like Don Junior's veneers, big and white. Hey, I don't know what you're laughing about. When Eric was born, he was so ugly. His father asked Pam Bondi to redact his name from the birth certificate. Eric, I'm so sorry you were able to make it tonight, but you look great. You look like um an elbow with a face on it. Tickets to this event were very difficult to get. Not everyone was invited. Christy Nol isn't here, but actually her husband is. And where is her husband? Where is he? Oh, there he Oh, no, wait. I'm sorry. That's Marjorie Taylor Green. Um, but I get why Christy stayed home. If my husband had tits like that, I wouldn't leave the house either. All right, I'm almost out of time. Brendan Carr is giving me the light. Brendan Carr is the head of the FCC. Back in September, he tried to get my affiliates to throw me off the air. He said we could do this the easy way or the hard way. Same thing he said to Lindsey Graham 10 minutes ago in the all gender restroom. By the way, where is Lindsey Graham? I I know he's here. I saw his little mermaid bubble wand in the coch. Can someone please ping Lindsay on Grinder? Oh, there you are. You sexy little war monger. What a night. You guys have been so great. And in all seriousness, I do want to thank the president. We are the hottest country in the world right now. And that's all because of you, sir. You truly are the goat and a monkey and a pig. You made America great again. and you've made comedy great again. And that is why I am I'm very proud to announce the winner of the inaugural Burger King of Comedy Gold Award goes to none other than our president, Donald J. Leno Trump. Congratulations, sir. And thank you. Thank you all. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you, Ken. Thank you, Holster. >> We got a great show tonight with two great Americans. Tracy Morgan is with us and we'll be right back with