Relationship counselling: Sex and how to talk about it

[Music] we'd only had a year before Flow came along so what that year what was that year like great why what made it great well we just well we had all that we could have all that you know we could stay in bed all day so his sex life was great yeah yeah I think it always well yeah we slept as well what made it what made what made it great what made your sex life great well like you like play playing playing and being silly and laughing and time and and putting the other person first you know so it sounds as if sexually you're really satisfying each other yeah yeah yeah and that felt what felt brilliant Tom yeah yeah yeah and now now it's a bit hard well you know two kids down the line just again time really I mean is it or you know can you do something different here I think we can what time the kids go to sleep well I mean they're they're getting older now so we put them up you know about 8 and they they read and stuff and then yeah so they go to sleep at what time well they're supposed to go to sleep by 9: sometimes they do MH sometimes they're awake you know I don't mind as long as they're reading quietly then that's fine but they don't disturb us you know they're very good they don't come down they don't so at night you've got a maybe a window of opportunity there about half n onwards yeah 10:00 onwards yeah yeah yeah it's about maybe not doing any work and going to bed early well also have you ever thought about um having a weekend away together with without the kids we've talked about that hav yeah I mean it's cuz we keep a hotel together yeah yeah we keep getting used by other parents don't we we keep getting their kids our house for sleepovers where you going Italy oh nice okay don't worry you know you can do it back to us if you like so when was the last time you did that cuz it sounds went away yeah it sounds if a lot of people have put kind of uh baby sitting into your investment bank here do why did you uh there was that birthday when we went to Bristol we went for about 9 hours didn't we yeah but that was when well this is how long ago it was that was when Sai was really little so we couldn't really little so we couldn't go for that long so that was probably about 10 years ago we've had holidays but always with the children in a caravan with cardboard walls so sounds if there's always like something getting in between you both there's always something that pops up here as like something to be kind of third in the relationship to kind of stop it from meeting together yeah yeah I think it would be a brilliant idea to go away actually you might not even need to go away you know you could just go to a hotel in the same town yes yeah then you be back again you know Sunday morning or something like that Sunday lunchtime yeah yeah that' be a bit silly wouldn't it but it'd be nice silly who used to initiate sex both of us I think yeah both really would depend on the whole I think yeah and now who initiated well it's not really initiated very much but um don't know me do you think you're going to have a field day on this one cuz I'd have thought it would be me all right okay go let go on what have you got on that one then so you think it's you I well if you'd have you know if this was Mr and M then I'd have said me sounds if when we T about sex that's something that you're really missing Yeah well yeah yeah so when we talk about the different needs that you both have and pursuing and distancing and all of that sort of stuff uh there are different needs different feelings of needs here different perspectives on it again it's like come on guys come on hiding here talk about this again like I said few sessions ago if you look at yourselves you both want the same thing here you're both aching for the same thing to happen here but it's like whoa let's keep this Gap cuz it feels safe I think there's an element of that an element of safe but not satisfying yeah safe here is not satisfying so maybe you know what maybe you got to take a little bit of a risk here yeah Tom when you two had sex did chenade enjoy it I'd like to think s okay chenade when you had sex did Tom enjoy it yes how do you know oh what you made the right noises anybody can do that well yeah I suppose so there's that film isn't there yeah um see there is something here about because he always tells me he loves me you know MH and I believe him mhm um what sorry do you ever talk about what would make you uh more satisfied and bed together no things that you want to do that maybe you've never done well well no no are things if you think about them you don't have to disclose them but are things don't get any ideas uh well I suppose if you really thought about them there might be it sounds as if there are things here that you have thought about sh yeah I suppose everybody thinks about things like that sometimes and things like that yeah yeah come not really you're shaking your head here Chine as if well I just think it's quite funny cuz he is so straight aren't you quite straight so I can't imagine him thinking about things like that in a way wow she's called you on something there what do you want to say about that it's true I'm straight she knows I'm straight no secret fantasies um not not not for difference not for chandeliers and and pigs but you know um well I don't know film stars celebrities no actually okay actually no she well you know there are a few people that I thought about it's awkward to kind of talk about this yeah it is cuz it sounds what it's what private private private embarrassing between you both it's private yeah so it's really and I appreciate it's really awkward and embarrassing to talk about these sorts of things for you both but you've had sex and shared bodily fluids and you know you both obviously present at the birth of Sai you know you've seen each other in some pretty far out places you need to talk about this you need to really get into the the juice of this do that make sense yeah yeah it does I suppose yeah I mean and you need to do something here as well reach out to each other cuz like I keep saying you both want the same thing here so we've got a couple of minutes left but just to kind of summarize here it sounds as if you you both been doing this kind of relationship dance for quite a few years here and maybe you need to start dancing differently cuz you'd be dancing away from each other rather together a little sort of pursuer distance or dynamic that's been set up here well it's worked it's been great it's kept together that's Fab but this relationship was crying out for something different here and M are as well okay for