Идеальные Отношения: 3 Принципа. Признаки здоровых и больных отношений

Hi, there. My name is Eugenia Streletskaya. I'm a psychotherapist. And today, if you want to have healthy, and a happy relationship, you're should listen very carefully. Because I'm going to give you three absolutely unquestionably, but unfortunately, little known principles on which is built the the foundation of absolutely any successful relationship. And the first principle says you have to work on your relations. A lot of people ask me, "Well, how come... well, you know... why is that? Why do we have to work on relations? I mean, isn't it so that we can spontaneously have healthy psychological contact. So! We've met someone whom we like, someone who is cool, and they express themselves how they are in our relationship, they are themselves and I am being myself, too, Well, why can't it be that our relationship forms itself like an idyll, a harmony, and be prosperous? And some people say Okay, well, what if relations turn into to work, and labour. Wouldn't that be artificial? Wouldn't it be insincere? Isn't that gonna kill all of the pure love? Someone else says, "Come on! How is it so I must work on my relationship. I spent all this energy, effort, to find my partner. So I thought that everything after I found him, it's like all the work is over. And I'll be resting, enjoying, and having pleasure. But it seems the most important stuff is only just starting? Nooo. I don't want that. It'll be too hard then there's no point having a relationship if we need to constantly work on them. I want to work at my job, and in relationships, I want to relax. Retorts are many on this topic, but today I'm going to tell you exactly what it means to correctly work on a relationship and all your doubts on them will disappear. And here's the thing. let's get this straight first and deal with the question of whether it's possible that two people meet and spontaneously between them appears healthy contact. Yes. Of course it's quite possible, but... just not 100%. What is it like? How is it possible? So you, with this person, should be relatively similar to each other, that is, on the level of intellect, the level of of emotional development, on certain views. on certain tastes, on certain ideals, values, that you should both have, naturally, matching so that you both look in the same direction. side. But you must also be different, partially. How should you differ? You should differ in your psychological problems and healthy parts parts. That is, where you have some kind of psychological problem, with your person, your partner, this part is healthy. And where you're healthy and psychologically, they have a problem. And like this, our own personalities are multifaceted. our identity consists of a lot of features, and so on and so forth. it works out like this it all adds up, and it creates harmony. You heal each other. In normal relationships, healthy, fun, they always contribute to development, precisely because healthy parts and psychological problems are different and your partner may be spontaneously performing a psychotherapeutic role and function. For example, you have a deep feeling of guilt, and your partner doesn't have it. And they're showing you through their example, that, to experience it, is impractical. He's helping you to get rid of it. Or, for example, you have a sexual problem, and your partner has no sexual problem, and they help you to overcome it. Or your partner is lazy, uh, they don't have such will-power, while you, on the contrary, are a very disciplined, hard-working person. And so you can show your partner how to do that. Or maybe he is very... closed, unemotional, and you're very emotional. You two balance each other. You're very sociable, let's say. Yeah, that happens. Oh, this principle, for me, is illustrated by the metaphor from Kipling's fairy tale: The beginning of the Armadillo. There were two protagonists Stickly-Prickly Hedgehog, and the Slow-and-Solid Tortoise. And there was Painted Jaguar out there that was hunting them and he wanted to eat them, Stickly-Prickly Hedgehog. who was curled up into a ball to counteract the Painted Jaguar. Jaguar throws him in the water, then the hedgehog would open and became defenseless, and the jaguar could eat him. And the jaguar could dig the turtle out of her shell when she was on land. And so the hedgehog and the turtle decided to unite. And the turtle was supposed to teach hedgehog to swim, so he can even in the water remain invulnerable to the jaguar. And the hedgehog teaches turtle to roll up into a ball so that the jaguar couldn't pull it out of the shell. And so they were studying, showing, training studying, with them happened miraculous changes. Unbelievable. The hedgehog's spines were all smoothed out, became smoother, harder, and firmer, like into a single shell due to constant contact with water. While the turtle - the opposite - the shell opened up and sections became more individual, and bristly. Because she made her shell very flexible. Okay, so the next time Jaguar met Hedgehog and turtle they weren't hedgehog and turtle anymore. They were already like two acrobat brothers, like twins, completely different from their original selves, but very similar to each other. They've essentially turned into one thing. They became armadillos. That's where armadillos came from. And for me, it's a great example, because when two people meet, they're dating, and at first they're very different. But then, while they're in touch, they take from each other effective behavior. They become very similar to each other. They get very close, they're becoming relatives, two best friends. Like brother and sister. Well, we're talking about a heterosexual couple. It's the best situation. But in life, to be 100% is still impossible, because in our childhood, our parents with the help of upbringing - dysfunctional, emotional schemes and they can't contribute to a 100% match. We can with each other, in real-life circumstances, coincide, but only 70%. The other thirty are will be spike against spike. And emptiness faces emptiness. Already here, you can't resolve each other's problems. And it's these spikes that are the ones that collide with each other, they will serve as a source of all sorts of conflicts, miscommunication, i.e. misunderstanding, and of all sorts of troubles and disagreements. Which is why, after all on relationships you need to work in order to keep the 70% purity, clarity, and coincidence, and healthy contact. And this 30% will reduce in level and turn into healthy contact, too. And what do I mean by to work on a relationship? No, I'm not saying they're supposed to be constantly, very dreary labour, work, fowl, boredom, and just ugh. When you guys are out there digging into each other you're remodeling each other, and you're turning the relationship into psychotherapy. No, not in any case. It's all about the fact that you relate to your partner attentively responsibly, out of concern. Just like for example, if you get yourself a flower, then you of course realize that you have to and will be watering regularly to take care of it. Wipe its leaves. Or if you're getting yourself a cat right, you do realize that you have to feed it every day. And if he becomes ill, he's gonna have to be taken to the vet. You can't just disappear for a month to go somewhere and leave him at home alone because he's gonna die of hunger and thirst. And everything in our lives is arranged like this. When we want something to have something, we have to do this. If you want to have a good profession, you'll develop in it professionally. All the time you read books on the subject, you're contsantly asking some of your older colleagues for some advice you grow in this field. In any field. In our lives, it's exactly like that Sorry, guys, it's labour. It's not simply some vacation where we sit there and hey, do nothing. Yeah, for everything in our lives, we have to fight. And what do I mean when I say to work on a relationship. You have to do just one thing. But it's very difficult. To express all your emotions. Absolutely all to your partner. In a non-violent form. I mean, to work on a relationship, it means building communication with your partner. Let's look at what shouldn't be in healthy happy relationships. There shouldn't be violence. That is, if there is violence in them then we already cannot consider this healthy contact. What do I mean by violence. First of all, there should be no control in a relationship. Control, what is it? It's a wish, an attempt to re-mould someone. Here's an example. You're dating someone, and you like him. like 70% there. You're thinking... О! What a cool guy, so fun, interesting, so easy! He and I have a great time! He keeps surprising me! There's something new about him. But! He smokes pot every day. He's a junkie. Oh, OK. I'll take that, take out the good thing about him, and then and I will re-make him! No! You're not gonna make it. A person, 95% doesn't change. They stay the way they are. So immediately check who you're taking. You don't have to take someone who, yeah, is sort of, well... that's what we get caught up in. hoping you'll do something about it. No, don't do it. You won't change them. You just violate them, and he doesn't end up changed And you get tired of it, and it's just Sisyphean labour. The only thing you can change: their behavior. It's only in some aspects, that directly affect you. you can do that, with the help of non-violent form to tell him your own emotional needs. If they love you and they wants, they'll try to satisfy them. Change their behavior a little bit. Here Make some adjustments in some aspects, in order to to make it more comfortable for you. But on the whole, essentially the person's nature will never change. You have to realize that the genuine interest of a person, are the consequence of lots and they're totally inextricably monolithically linked to the fact that they they are a drug addict. Next. What else isn't supposed to be in a relationship. There shouldn't be any neglect. So neglect is basically the absence of attention, support, out of interest of someone. It's when your relationship with him is not close enough. They're formal. So that's when you get involved with someone, just so you can have your emotional needs met at his expense. When you need to you go and have sex. When you're interested in them you go out together. But in the bigger picture you don't think about them, their life, destiny. You don't want to make them better. It's not close enough. Also, there should be no criticism in the relationship. Remember that you can criticise someone only on two occasions. First: when they asked you for criticism. And two, when they have behaviour that you don't like, and it personally affects you directly. Then you can ask them that they change their behavior. And all other criticism, it is already also the appearance of control and attempts of violence to change them. That's when you say to them, "Oh, I don't like your hairstyle. Cut your hair!" or "I don't like how you look! You're too fat! Lose weight!" Or "I don't like your short skirt! Wear longer skirts!" or "I don't like the fact that you're communicating with friends all the time!" So you, for example, chose a girl for being very sociable, yeah? But then you suddenly want to start at some point that she communicates only with you, and with everyone else, she's doesn't. But that's not how it works. She's an extrovert, she's very sociable. She always will be. OK. So naturally, any criticism, you have to express in a non-violent manner. And criticism in a a violent form, like shouting, insults, nagging in the form of names like "cow", "stupid", "retard", "lazy", "slob", "hopeless", "hose", "undies", such is absolutely unacceptable. Further. Naturally, of course, of course, in these relations, categorically should not be any physical violence. So any influence, any slapping, or to take someone and hit their head a little bit on the wall, or suffocate them under a pillow, with a pillow. Or slam a door, smash their phone, their personal property. All of these are categorically unacceptable. It's called physical violence. For this you're will quickly end up in jail. Of course there should not be sexual violence, and of course there shouldn't be economic violence. For example you've earned some money, and then your partner . faults you for it. For example "Here! I'm the president! I'm providing for our family! and you just waste money so unreasonably!" or "I'm not gonna give you any money! You don't deserve it!" And so on. I mean, there's all sorts of like, when you made money, you think you have the right to exert power over this partner, and control them. Let's see what's are the indicators that, in a relationship, there's violence going on. The indicators are is that one partner in the relationship, on a systematic, regular chronic basis, they experience the feeling of shame. In other words they feel like a reject. That's when you're constantly criticizing them in in a violent manner. The feeling of guilt. Also, a sense of fear in front of their partner. When they are being beaten, or controlled, or violated economically. In this way, if one of the partners always on a chronic basis feels misunderstood, lonely, or very sorrowful. Of course, you may be sad or feel shame, guilt and fear, because of your psychological problems. But, if your connection is healthy, then as your relationship evolves, then these feelings should what? Weaken. Yeah? And if they only get worse or strengthen or over the years are preserved and they impact you, your partner, they don't cause these feelings to go away, it means your partner reinforces them and supports the fact that they use them. Let's see what's supposed to be in a relationship so that we can consider what is healthy contact. And in this relationship. must be what? Caring, attention, support, empathy, and interest. By these, what am I implying? Of course, everyone manifests themselves in completely different forms depending on their individual mannerisms and preferences. For one person, it's to cook a meal, for somebody else, it's to lie underneath the blanket, and share a massage, for someone else it's many, many, many hours of practically endless conversations, when you talk about everything. For someone else it means to run to the pharmacy when their partner is ill. It's expressed in completely different forms, but the most important thing is to understand the principle. When your partner's in trouble, when they are sad, or hurt, when they've a low self-esteem, when they dont like something, when they're unhappy. You don't put up with it, you don't remain indifferent but instead you're ready to invest, to put in to the max, your effort, your time, and you experience sincere desire. In order to fix this state of affairs, to make it so that they experience only joy, love for themselves, interest in life, so that they are happy, to make things easy for them. And so in a relationship, what else needs to be there? in a healthy relationship, hmm? a happy one. It's a constant feeling of amazement. Because, the other one who doesn't have any of those psychological problems that you have, they'll behave from your point of view unexpectedly. You'll be like all the time surprised, thinking, "Oh! Wow, that's possible? really?" and as a result you'll develop, discover something new, arrive in a new position for yourself in life. You're going to see from an unusual point of view or angle at some situations that are happening in life. And exactly because of this, what'll happen is the mutual development of you and your partner. A mutual evolution will take place and basically, this relationship will mean further development in general in your psyche. Also in the relationship, there ought to be delight/admiration, and gratitude. I mean, joy, love and interest, they're are expressed in two forms, yeah? Admiration that takes away one's lowered self-esteem and shame if they're there. And gratitude takes away your feeling of guilt, if they're there. And these two are, like, fundamentally different forms of expression, of joy and love and of interest. Admiration is when you say: You're so beautiful! You're so smart! You're so unusual! You're so cool! So basically: I really admire you, yeah? And gratitude is like "Oh! Thank you so much! That you spent time with me! That you made me dinner! That you came up with an unexpected solution! For the fact that you gave me good advice!" I mean, when you thank them for their actions, specifically, you approve of them. While admiration is when you are what you are and these are positive traits. So accordingly, these indicators that your relationship is developing normally and healthily happily developing correctly are that, in your relationship, prevail positive emotions: Of admiration, of gratitude, of joy, of love, of interest. And another very important factor is the feeling of tenderness. It's a very... specific feeling that arises just as a response to the fact that you yourself like the person. And in your very soul it softens up when you're next to them, and due to this very tenderness, you want to give them something, to give, everything, the best you have. And tenderness, is an unmistakable indicator that as a result of your impact on this person, their process of development of the psyche has continued. And the evolutionary processes of their soul and psyche is unveiled. And they haven't retained their psychological problems. And all of this is not from what's not supposed to be there, but what should be there. One may do this with one single principle. Think about this: express all your emotions in a non-violent form. (I need a break.) The following principles, the 2nd and 3rd are very little known, but to know them is critically important. They weild an absolute mathematical precision. The second principle: in a relationship should be balance between "I want" and "I have to". What does this present? Here we are all in pairs, we do not only what we want to, but what we must. For example, today I want to get drunk and puke. In return, I'll wash the dishes. Or I want to spend all my money on designer clothes. In return, we agreed that we are saving up for the car for example, and I will contribute part of my money Or I want to have sex with all the people in the world and be polygamous, but because I think unfaithfulness is a bad thing, I don't want to hurt my partner by unfaithfulness. So we need to, of course to limit ourselves in some things, and do a lot of routine, not altogether pleasant things. Or maybe I'm tired! I want to yell at my partner when there's something I don't like about him. In return, I'm sitting and I'm listening to him carefully and I'm trying to show empathy to him, even when I have little energy myself. You know what I mean? Yeah, mhmm, that's labour, of course. You have to give up your strength and energy to spend it on this stuff. But we need to. For example, you, in a relationship, you're doing what you want to 70%, and what you must should be 30%. And your partner should have a similar number. They have to do 70% of what they want - 30% of what they must. These numbers can be different. If both of you are very good, very well-behaved. disciplined people. I know such kinds of couples; They can do 30% of what they *want*. And 70% of what they should. They're so exemplary, ideal families. Very disciplined. Or, if you're tearaways or punks, you can do 90% of what you want and 10% of what you have to do. The most important for both is to make sure that both partners are even. But if one of the partners has an imbalance towards what they must, and the other partner in the direction of what they want, it'll lead to to problems in the couple. In which case is there imbalance? In the direction of *must*. First: you have a deep sense of guilt, and you become a very unsightly, giving, supplementing, you are trying your best just to give, something good, and you have a huge problem with the fact you must ask for something, to get something in return and you think that you deserve to be loved. The second variant: If you're having trouble to express anger, which means, e.g., that you took some responsibility, but then it became too much, it's too difficult to say "I don't want this! I don't like it!" I mean to express anger, not rage anger but any anger. Resentment, indignation, irritation, some sense of injustice. And you put up with it for a long time. Third: In case you don't know what you want. We've been taught how to be grown up, and you strictly adhere to this. But you don't realize yourself, what you want to do. Theo before... ??? So you don't do what you want to, because you only know well how to do what you must. And in this case it's your own fault. Your partner is not guilty doing what they want to. It's your fault you created an imbalance. But what are the consequences? At some moment, it's going to get to you and you're going to feel used, that you've been investing in the relationship. Only you are doing something. Your partner from your view appears lazy. And you'll feel like you are underappreciated, used. And as a result of this, you can even destroy the relationship, or you won't want to continue. And then you're gonna have a hard time to change them. There's the thing. Imbalance towards *I want*, it could be, for example, like a passive-aggressive personality disorder. That's a person, as a rule, a man, who thinks everyone around him owes him something. It can also be a woman, who absolutely all people perceive as presenting him with unreasonable demands. Even in case they're justified. A man like that, he can work at some usual job, absolutely, some ordinary employee, but considers themselves god on earth that they even came to work. Let's say he makes, like, $400, and his wife, for example, earns $2,000. but he still thinks he's amazing that he works, everyone should kiss his butt and tell him "Thank you!" and he comes to the couch, lies down, flips through the paper, and because he's tired, he wants to rest. and when people say, "Well, listen, damnit, Vasya, do this, do that. Have you lost your conscience?" He thinks they're just picking on him. Because such individuals against everybody, are entrenched in chronic rebellion, and to them even their own loved one is perceived as someone who just wants to get to them, and to get something out of them. And people will be so hostile to them like an infiltrator in a paratrooper's trench Of course, with people like that it's very hard to build healthy relationships and healthy contact. I can do a separate video about that. That's why, if you have an imbalance towards *must* then you should do more of what you want to do. As though it not hard for you. And the third fundamental principle to a healthy and happy relationship: there should be balance between giving and taking. It's not the same as what I want and I should. I want & I should are when you think "I should" For example, going to the store, washing dishes, earning money, raising kids, plus keeping an eye on your good looks self development, and you're doing it all and not only give your partner something, but also when you have something in common like duties you're taking a bigger share of it on yourself. like 70, 80%. And your partner resting, picking their nose and doing Poo! Anyway, they spend time at their pleasure. But by the way, there's one more very important cunning nuance I had to to say about the second principle.There were statistical studies among spouses who were interviewed. They were asked the husband and wife, for example, separately: What do you think? Who in your couple does something more? And all said "I am! Of course I am!" And everyone in a couple thinks they do more. That's because when we do something, we are the ones who strain ourselves, we put our effort in. and the moment when we exert ourselves we remember it well. But what the other person does, it's not like we exerted ourselves, we don't remember that. So, who is taking out the trash? I am! Who makes the bed more? I do! Who cooks more often? I do, of course! Who's better at listening? I am! And so, if you have problems with this, in order to determine who in fact does more, then you need to do as follows. Just roughly take and write down. If you and your partner are in conflict over who does how much, you simply need to take all the duties, write them up to the point where they're very clear in in writing, and assign them. For example, I always wash the dishes, while you always mop the floors. I make so much money and I spend so much, and you make so much money and you spend so much money. I mean, all of this must be at the level of clear, absolute rules, like some sort of agreement written out. Literally like a contract. And there's nothing wrong with that, or scary. Back to the third principle. Balance between giving and taking. What do I mean by "I give" and "I take"? That's all, roughly speaking, interventions that you carry out to a relationship with another person. And all they do for you. That is to say that the amount of energy and information that you spend on another person, should be the same as what you get. The whole story is about not being intrusive. For example, you just start to communicate with a guy or a girl. And for example I get asked a lot of times: how do I know when I should write to them like, for example, right now should I ask her out, or not? Or how to make sure I don't get bored? Quite simply: You have to count. So, for example, if they wrote you 5 messages in Viber, say, after a date, you can also write them five messages. And if they wrote you one you should write one. And if they wrote one, and you write them five, or ten, what will happen? Your worth will fall. There will be too much in their space, you cease to arouse interest. Or, for example, in which case you may have imbalance towards "I give"? This could be when you have diminished self-esteem, you're very fond of this person. You have a wish that they will like you. Or you could just have this co-dependent style of structure of a relationship. What's a dependent relationship style? When you aren't well aware, or you feel your boundaries, and you want maximal intimacy with this person. You want to just dream with him. You can't think by yourself without them and in these cases, look. Again, where it leads to the other person wanting to close off and to distance themselves. Let's say the wife calls to the husband at work, says, "Well, today, what shall I cook? Hash browns and cutlets? And he says, "Well, yeah, okay." And then he is coming home. She's been calling a few times to him during the day. Let's say, yes? Then he's coming home, and he just wants to sit down, I don't know, flip through some news, get acquainted with the latest news, what happened in the world. And she's already talking: I've already warmed up the cutlets! He says, "Okay. I'll be right there." She says: "But I've warmed it up! Come on, let's go! Vasya! Let's go eat! Please! I've warmed it up!" And she doesn't understand why he is indifferent to her, why he pays her little attention. And then she starts to think OK. I have to take care of myself" and she buys herself a new dress, she gets a new haircut, she comes up to him and says, "Well. Look! Do you like it? She starts to lavish even more on him She demands attention Sitting next to him, hugging him, asking how things are with him. And he wants to, say, be alone. So. But then she starts yelling at him, starts fretting, to criticize him, sulking, to make even more pretenses. All this, that is, she's giving a *lot* more than she gets in return. So, again, if you have any doubts on this point, just count. Count. If you give more, you need to restrain yourself, you need to give less. And if you don't give enough, then for example, your partner said a few times "Well, listen, you're pretty, maybe somehow we can keep talking, yeah? Or he writes to you, for example. Well, in a normal amount, shows some kind of interest, attention to you. And you e.g. are ashamed. Or that you don't express emotions, like you're an introvert. Or you have a low self-esteem that stops you giving the same amount, then, quite the opposite try to increase it and give more. And don't be afraid to be rejected because until you exceed the amount they already sent you you'll be safe. So if you wrote them five messages, don't be afraid not to write another word. You have a reserve in the form of five messages. Most important is don't outdo obsessive people when they give more. But when you don't give enough, you keep your partner on dry rations. Because of this, this relationship might not work out either. So the conclusions in the this video are simple. You have to ask yourself three questions. First: Am I not exposing my partner to violence? Is it so that I am controlling them? Do I criticise them too much? Do I expose them to sexual or economic violence? Do I hit my partner? Do I show them an insufficient amount of interest. Do I support them? Do I care? Do I experience in their address to me, tenderness? Do I show them empathy? Second: If there's a balance in our relationship between "I want" and "I should", is there imbalance toward "should"? Or toward "I want"? If there is, you should either start to do more of what you want to do, If you have imbalance toward what you should do, or on the contrary, do as much as your your partner does to ensure you invest in your relationship equally. Third: is the balance damaged in our relationship between giving and taking? If you give more, again, you need to moderate your passion and just a little acquiesce. And if you give too little, don't be afraid to show yourself more bit by bit so that your relationship after all evolves into a close and trustworthy one. My column about relationships is continuous, with new stuff, I'm gonna fill it up regularly to tell you a lot of useful, important things, interesting principles on how to build a happy, prosperous relationship, because I know that on the one hand that's what people want most of all. And they all secretly dream about it, because everybody understands that a healthy and happy relationship appears not only as a source of long lasting and healthy happiness, well, also the most priceless source of continued self-development. Ah, I forgot what I wanted to say. Yes! But the hardest thing to do is to build them. Nobody knows how to do that. It's practically some kind of secret knowledge. But I'm a really good specialist in this field. I know tons in this area. That's why I'll teach you how to build a good, happy, close and long-term relationship. So subscribe to my channel. Add likes! Leave comments, and await my new videos! Bye, everybody!