جلسات #مع_نفسي 29 ... من التخلية إلى التحلية – ماذا أحتاج لصحة نفسية أساسية؟

Dr Abdul Rahman: Hello.

The Host: Hello. Dr Abdul Rahman: We are nearing the end,

I think we have a day or two left and then call it a wrap.

The Host: Yes, insha’Allah. Dr Abdul Rahman: Tell me sir. The Host: Last time, we spoke about purging,

I have a question. Dr Abdul Rahman: I also need to make sure that I referred

you to some additional material, because I know that purging needs more time

than we allocated, but since our sessions are short,

I had to summarise it in that way, whereas the material I referred you to

insha’Allah- The Host: We can summarise it all in the

last day, in celebration for Eid, we give away all the material.

Dr Abdul Rahman: Insha’Allah. The Host: Is purging possible without having

to confront people? I mean confronting people is very difficult,

Is it possible to conduct it on my own?! Dr Abdul Rahman: There are people that ask that question,

Is it possible to purge without confronting people? Yes, on a condition: To have no grudge

against them when I confront them! Meaning that I cannot claim that

I have nothing pent up inside, but when I see you after 2 days and friction happens,

I bring up all past incidents. In that case, what have you purged?! Many people will bring up this famous story;

Do you know it? “Coming upon you now is a man

from the people of Paradise.” The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: Then a companion went to that man

and stayed at his house for three days but he did not see him performing

extra prayers or fasting then the man told him:

“Whenever I would go to bed I pray that Allah purifies my heart”

He said: “That is, wAllah, what we cannot bear.” I say: Perfect, if you’ve reached this stage,

you won’t need this material, so it’s important to know that it’s possible,

if you could achieve this, but coming from experience with people,

confrontation is better. Why? Because confrontation means that

myself has the right of self-expression, as an atonement for how I concealed it previously. After allowing myself to be ignored

and humiliated, I must take it upon myself to confront and express and say

“I was frustrated that day. I was trodden over.” “I was a hypocrite on that day”

This is a right upon myself. For example, I tell wives that

if you have something against your husband, look at him, -don’t write it down and then burn it

just like what people of personal development do- “Write what’s on your mind, burn it, and that’s it!”

No! Look at his face and tell him: "Look, I have something to say to you,

you are not treating me right, if Allah asked me about you, I will say

that you are not the best to your family” Just like that!

The Host: That's straight forward. Dr Abdul Rahman: Of course! And a righteous man can take that,

he should respect these words Same thing with a mother to her children,

she confronts them eye to eye! and tells them: “You are tiring me,

I want to be content with you, but, by Allah I find it very difficult!

Because you don’t do what is needed from you” I have seen many cases of children

ages 13-14 years old, when the mother expresses what is within her

in my clinic, they look at her and hug her, It’s their first time seeing this weakness,

before that, they would only see screaming and whatnot. Confrontation trains you in skills like:

expression, clarification and facing others. Whereas the concept of writing poetry and stories

and tossing my worries on the beach and what else. I don’t think that these things help very much. The Host: Alright doctor, this way we have talked about purging

Can we talk a little about cultivation?! Dr Abdul Rahman: We said that after purging

“the self” will empty out. What should I do?

If I left it empty what would happen? Tell me what you think would happen?

The Host: Anything is capable of filling that void. Dr Abdul Rahman: That void will fill up with other “complications”

The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: Which means that I need to

immediately fill it up, but under one condition,

to fill it with what I “need” and not what I “desire” The Host: Meaning? Dr Abdul Rahman: What does that mean?

After everything we said during these sessions, did it not cross your mind, how much information

we should have learnt but did not? That is what I needed It’s incorrect to replace

the impurities, junk and “complications” with novels, silly material, and nonsense!! The Host: In other words: other “complications”

Dr Abdul Rahman: Other “complications”. So what was the point?

I should learn what I need Someone came up to Imam Malik,

and asked for advice in seeking knowledge, Imam replied: “Seek what benefits you

from morning till night and abide by it” But what do we do?

We read a lot of irrelevant material, and ignore that material we really need! Speaking of which, I remembered something, one of the predecessors [Tabe’en] would go

to Aaisha (R.A.) to learn from her, so in one of his visits she told him:

“Son, have you practised what I taught you?” He replied: “No, Mother. I have not”

Honestly, I only absorb information Aisha replied: “Son, why are you increasing

Allah’s testimonies against yourself and I?” The Host: Oh Allah! Dr Abdul Rahman: Because you received the information,

it means you must immediately practise it, In summary, what is my advice for cultivation?

First: Beneficial knowledge and righteous actions. What does that mean?

Search for knowledge that benefits you, and what’s considered beneficial knowledge?

Learn about our Lord first (Allah - Myself - Others)

Learn about our Lord first Second: Understand yourself

Third: Learn the skill of dealing with others Alright we need to dissect this a little further, For example: Doctor, I found out that

there is much I do not know about the pillars of prayer.

Which means from this day forth: your duty is to read the description

of the prophet’s prayer, to read the Fiqh of purity and prayer Remember what I said about

the lady nearly losing her religion because of wiping over the socks?

The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: Do you remember that example?

The Host: Yes. Dr Abdul Rahman: Which means that I need to learn certain principles.

We have a phrase amongst the youth these days: "These Sheikhs of menstrual and postnatal rulings.”

[Looking down on them] Okay, I ask you by Allah

Are you even aware of the menstrual and postnatal rulings? While you are mocking the Sheikhs?

It’s become a trend: We only prefer the Sheikhs that speak to us

about Quantum physics and Darwin's theory. Man, focus on the basics

learn the basics of your religion and then show us what you’ve got in other areas Therefore, you should first learn what you need

in your daily life. You are working in a certain career, do you know

the Islamic rulings related to your career? You work in the field of media, are you aware

what is Halal and Haram in the field of media? Learn this first! That is why, to make it easier for everyone

and not to overwhelm them with the details We produced something called “Makany Diary”,

which consists of the Fiqh of Day & Night from the perspective of Fiqh Al Nafs,

from the perspective of our material. It contains five things

that we should perform everyday: First: Prayer on time Second: The Sunnah of Fajr prayer Third: Two Raka’ts at Duha (forenoon)

The Host: Nice. Dr Abdul Rahman: Fourth: Daily reading

Fifth: One Rak’ah of Witr (at night) The Host: What about the Quran?

Dr Abdul Rahman: The daily reading. The Host: Yes, alright. Dr Abdul Rahman: I repeat:

Prayer on time- The Host: Does “Daily reading” mean

Zikr (Remembrance) and Quran? Dr Abdul Rahman: What I mean by the daily reading is what

the companions would call: The Hizb. So much so that if some of them fell asleep

before completing his hizb he makes up for it the next day. Imagine!

They used to treat reciting the Quran as an obligation. 1- Prayer on time

2- The Sunnah of Fajr prayer 3- Two Rakats at Duha

4- The daily reading 5- One Rak’ah of Witr

This is with regards to spiritual supply. Let’s come to other things,

what I call Islamic knowledge. Everyday you should spend no more than 30 mins

reading about a religious matter that you need in your daily life:

Cleanliness, prayer, rulings related to your career or studies

or anything related to your clothes or anything. Second: something I call the knowledge for succession,

The Host: The knowledge for succession. Dr Abdul Rahman: What is the knowledge for succession ?

What is your current role [as a successor on Earth]? “I teach college students,”

this is the knowledge that you should spend at least an hour everyday reading about

or else you will be sinning -in my opinion- So you don’t tell me “halal or haram”

You sinned against yourself, -in my opinion-! The Host: For example if I am a college student-

Dr Abdul Rahman: this means you should study at least 1-2 hours every day, because this is the gap you fill

as a successor. The Host: Even when I am on holiday.

Dr Abdul Rahman: Even when you’re on holiday , because you will have something else to

fill the gap of succession with. I remember I had a phase during university

when I would sit in the lecture and imagine an angel waiting for me outside the hall

and would ask me when I leave: “Abdul Rahman, you who’s a successor in this earth,

you spent 40 mins in the lecture hall, what did you do?” Our Lord will ask you about it. The days will surely pass, at least let it pass while you are focused From that day I would take notes and

pay attention during class, I had a different feeling. This the knowledge for succession You would find someone saying:

“Doctor, I am a housewife” I tell her: “What a great blessing, you spend

one hour daily reading about child rearing. We’re supposed to consider you

a reference for us, I am not the one to tell you what to do,

You should tell me how to raise kids. We took the example of media,

meaning every day you read about media methods & subjects,

and photography techniques etc. Someone for instance is a physics teacher

every day, he should read something new on better education methods, and so on. I believe the knowledge for succession is now clear.

The Host: Alright. Dr Abdul Rahman: Thirdly, -you might find this strange- “Workout”.

Everyday ,you should fulfil your body’s rights Therefore, you should spend at least 10 mins

rope skipping or running in your place, or walking to the bus station,

you do it with the intention of working out, and remembering your body’s [right].

The Host: Even if she doesn't leave her house! Dr Abdul Rahman: Even if she was-

By the way I have an allergy so I exercise at home

When I was in America, the apartment we lived in had a low ceiling,

so the rope would hit the ceiling so I would jump without it, but by Allah,

spiritually I felt that something changed as if I am telling my body “I remember you” Fourthly: “Entertainment”, it’s an obligation.

The Host: Entertainment is an obligation! Dr Abdul Rahman: “Entertain your heart”

The Host: How would you entertain it? In what sense? Dr Abdul Rahman: You would do something to relieve yourself,

it could be an outing, or it could be playing a sport,

it could be going to get a drink, The Host: Listening to music for example?

Dr Abdul Rahman: I always add something: Any act of entertainment should happen

under one condition: “Don’t ruin what you’ve built”

“I would entertain myself with what?” "A standup comedy show”

Half an hour filled with vulgar speech! What did you do? This means that you filled from one side

and spilled it from the other! Some say to me:

“Can entertainment be my daily reading?” Please spare us from this fantasy

and let us talk about actual entertainment. Leave the daily reading as a separate task,

and I seriously want you to entertain yourself with something else

for that purpose until masha’ Allah you become

from Allah’s good allies. Then we will tell you:

The daily reading is your entertainment. Other than that you have to entertain yourself.

Last thing that remains, which is the social aspect you have to socialise every day,

in real life not virtually. We talk to others to improve our social skills!

The Host: To my relatives or maybe friends. Dr Abdul Rahman: Relatives, righteous friends, what matters is that

you have to engage in a social activity and of course relatives are more deserving

if they are present if they are not,

then those around you, your wife, kids. Therefore, if you are married,

it’s from the rights of your wife, if you live in the same country,

is to leave a lot of things aside and sit with her for at least half an hour to an hour,

dedicating it just for her alone. Your kids, dedicate at least 30 mins

to an hour, for them, every day. "But Doctor, I am busy with work etc.”

Believe me you will regret it later. A day will come when you will regret these times.

And your kids would tell you we didn't want a moneybox, we didn't want a bank account,

We wanted a father to be there for us, to spend with us “quality time” If we master this,

then we mastered the Fiqh of Day & Night. One last piece of advice remains.

I know it’s a bit late to say this with Ramadan ending, and I wanted to mention it in the beginning

but the content is organised that way: It is to perfect an important pillar in prayer,

unfortunately many people don’t even know it’s a pillar. The Host: Which is?

Dr Abdul Rahman: Tranquillity Which is what? Whenever we hear about tranquillity

we think it’s khusho’ (humility) No! Tranquillity is a pillar! Do you remember the hadith of the prophet

(P.B.U.H.) about the one who prayed badly?

“Go pray because you haven't prayed” He goes then returns..

“Go pray because you haven't prayed” What was missing in his prayer?

Tranquillity! Scholars define tranquillity as:

A tranquil transition from one pillar to another. Which is? The span of a breath.

How? -I can’t act it standing-

<i>the Doctor prays fast</i> “Doctor, I can’t focus in my prayers”

Did you even pray? The Host: You are running!

Dr Abdul Rahman: Did you even pray? Tranquillity is as follows: “Allahu Akbar”

then you wait the span of a breath This is tranquillity. After that “I seek refuge from with Allah from Shaytan”

“In the name of Allah the Most Gracious the Most Merciful” After reciting Al-Fatiha,

take a breath, Bow down,

take a breath, Say the tasbeeha,

Take a breath, Go up (sami allahu liman hamidah)

“Allah hears whoever praises Him” The Host: Alright, why all this? Dr Abdul Rahman: Because tranquillity will get you into

the habit of pausing and reflecting you will give time its right, you reflect,

on takbeer, and reflect on the next act Those who attend my workshops tell me:

“Doctor, thank you for the tranquillity advice” I tell them, folks there is no need to thank me. This concept is present in religious texts

but we don’t practice it! But they tell me: “Doctor it impacted us in our prayers

and even after our prayers” This is why my advice is not only about tranquillity

After you say salam and finish prayer for the sake of Allah, please don’t get up quickly,

don’t start talking to the person beside you right away, be quite, give yourself some time

to internalise everything that just happened. With this we said that cultivation: “is to cultivate

yourself with what you need not what you desire” The Host: Alright. Dr Abdul Rahman: No need for all these movies, novels etc.

Leave it for another time. We said: Prayer on time, Sunnah of Fajr prayer,

two rak’ats at Duha, daily reading, and one Rak’ah of Witr. The Host: Yes.

Dr Abdul Rahman: This is the bare minimum. By the way, this will shatter the illusion of perfection

If you do these acts you will be at the top. Just do these.

No need for the illusion of perfection. Second: Islamic knowledge, knowledge for succession,

sports, entertainment, social life, and of course tranquillity during prayers. With this, I think we are done with Ramadan,

may Allah accept from us. I believe there is one last session left.

I believe it will be the last session- The Host: Yes, in sha’ Allah. Dr Abdul Rahman: During which we can summarise

everything we covered, and wrap it like a gift,

an eid gift. The Host: Alright, Tawakalna a’la Allah.

Dr Abdul Rahman: In sha’ Allah. Both: See you tomorrow, in sha’ Allah.

Dr Abdul Rahman: You are welcome.