جلسات #مع_نفسي 22 ... المخلوقية - الألم واللذة - التعلق - الغناء - المعقولات والتوقعات

Dr Abdul Rahman: Hello. The Host: Hello Doctor. Dr Abdul Rahman: Are you ready to continue the journey of “Pain & Pleasure”? The Host: Yes, excited! Dr Abdul Rahman: Alright, I remember the last thing we talked about was about how a proper understanding of pain and pleasure will

solve several issues including the delimma of evil. I remember giving you an example:

“What sin did the child commit to deserve getting killed?” We said this question in itself is faulty. Someone may argue and say:

Isn't this a verse in the Quran? {And when the female infant buried alive is questioned:

For what sin was she killed} (81:8-9) It is: {And when the female infant buried alive is questioned:

For what sin -according to humans- was she killed} Not a sin in the eyes of Allah.

What sin did she commit towards humanity for her to be killed? However, there is no such thing as a sin committed towards Allah.

I belong to Allah, He takes me in whatever way He wishes. There is a question related to the dilemma of evil

which we often ask during lectures and workshops about atheism, which could come across as harsh. Someone might say:

"What is the sin of a child who was raped?” I retort with a shocking question:

"What is the sin of the child being vaccinated?” He tells me: “How is that related?” I reply: “In the child’s perspective, both actions are seen as a painful object penetrating their body

by an adult against their will, isn't that correct? “ The Host: Correct. Dr Abdul Rahman: From their perspective, rape and vaccination look the same. However, in our perspective rape is injustice

and the child will be traumatized for the rest of their life, while vaccination is for the child’s benefit.

Our viewpoint is what makes the impact different. This is from our absurdity unfortunately-

A tragic situation that I witnessed with a refugee in a certain country;

a girl was raped by a solider, this wasn't as painful as her parents entering the camp

and not registering her name with them because they are ashamed of her! The Host: Woah! Dr Abdul Rahman: They killed her more than the rapist. This is absurd! Look at what we have in Islam,

a rape victim or even if she’s a fornicator, but converted to Islam or repented, back then she’d marry

a noble companion who never asks her about her past. Bring me those claiming liberty so they can

learn from the companions! You find a young man claiming to be “modern & civilised”,

wearing a suit and tie, and the first question he asks: “Do you have a past? Did you date-”

Son, didn't you want a righteous girl? and this applies to girls too. So, if the aspect of “pain & pleasure” is well-understood,

it will solve so many problems. A final example to conclude talking about this topic:

During a workshop about the Fiqh of Love & Marriage a lady told me:

“Why did Allah obligate painful matters to us?” I said: “How?”

She said: “For instance, polygyny” I told her: “First of all, it’s not an obligation, Allah made it permissible

and there is a difference between the two, She said: “Even so, it’s painful!”

I told her: “Alright -” She was attending the workshop with her husband

and they told us how they met; how so many girls wanted him

and so many guys were after her - in the end, they got married. I told her: “You found pleasure when you married your husband,

but how many guys suffered as a result? How many girls suffered? Not only that,

didn’t your mother-in-law go through pain? Now that the son that she raised is leaving the nest etc.

Especially if she was overly attached to him.” She remained silent.

I told her: “I will tell you what real pain is, the so-called pain of polygyny is nothing compared to -”

I could not continue and broke down in tears. Absolute silence filled the room,

they wanted to know the story. The Host: What is the secret? Dr Abdul Rahman: I told her: “Do you want to know what real pain is?” "Pain is thinking that one day Maryam & Hajar

-I cry whenever I think of this- will be taken away by a groom and I will lose their light in my home.” I said: "This is pain, should I be naive like you

and say ‘Oh Allah stop the Sunnah of Marriage for a naive person like me who is overly attached to his daughter’

Is this acceptable? The Host: Of course not. Dr Abdul Rahman: She remained silent.

I told her: “Never assume that Islam legislates based on people’s desires ” Islam legislates based on laws the Lord sees

most beneficial to society. Not for you to be slightly hurt.

Add to that, in certain rural villages and civilizations, polgyny isn't considered as painful to the ladies, why?

Because her husband is not number one in her life. However if you see an urban lady today,

even if she is religious or appears so, She is in fact worshipping her husband.

Once she loses him she drowns in pain, completely breaks down,

and starts doubting the existence of The Divine, and religious rulings, etc.

All because of the pain of possession. The Host: Do you mean that in fact that their spouse

should not be number one in their life? Dr Abdul Rahman: Of course! In sha Allah we will talk about this

during: “Me & The Other”, about possession and the hierarchy of

“Allah, me & the other” Of course, an issue a lot of women face

is making the man number one in her life. This is what causes- The Host: You are making a lot of men sad by saying this! Dr Abdul Rahman: What? The Host: We will make men sad! Dr Abdul Rahman: A man who’s upset by this, agrees to be a rival to Allah. The Host: You mean Allah SWT should be first in our lives. Dr Abdul Rahman: Since you mentioned this, my friend once told me:

"Do you know? My wife loves me so much that when I travel she cannot stand living without me,

she can’t eat without me.” I tell him: Man, are you a sadist?

Are you psychologically ill? You shouldn't be happy with this.

She should be completely independent from you and able to live her life without you!

This doesn't mean she doesn't love you! No, yearning is one thing,

and being possessive of someone is another thing. So it’s sadistic to say: "My wife cannot live a day

without me, a day doesn’t pass without her calling me 500 times” What? This is an illness!

Both you and her need to have psychological independence I always say this:

Saying: “I am happy with myself, she is happy with herself

when we both meet we become happier” is different from saying: “I am miserable, she is miserable

and we wait for each other to make each other happy” So how would you find happiness? Alright, what do I want? I want to be happier! The Host: Correct. Another difficult example is mothers’ attachment to their children. Dr Abdul Rahman: Exactly. The Host: Some of them feel like a part of their soul is missing

when their child goes outside for a couple of hours. Dr Abdul Rahman: That’s why during my lectures and workshops,

I particularly tell mothers, even though they find it upsetting I tell them:

“Your son isn’t yours!” Your son is a long-term visitor,

he is a guest who will stay for a while he might leave at any moment.

You can’t think of him as an Eid lamb, you feed him to slaughter him

during your Eid, that is not correct! Your son has been entrusted to you,

and is a branch department in your company and one day he will leave

and you have to be comfortable with yourself to stay calm when he departs.

It is not right to break down once he is gone. "Why didn't you call me?”

“Why didn’t you bring the kids?” You turn into a whining grumpy lady

making everyone around you miserable. The Host: This means she needs to expect her son

to be taken away from her at any moment! This would eventually negatively

impact her psychological well-being! Dr Abdul Rahman: What did we say?

If you treat every day as your last, you will seize each moment, you will be happy,

especially that we submit to Allah. I am not saying that separation isn't painful! I just cried- People think I don’t love my daughters.

No, you misunderstand! You think love is a weakness,

or that strength is not shedding tears. This is wrong! Moderation is to have emotions

and at the same time you are able to keep your balance! I will give you another example-

Do you know that from the moment my girls were born until now, I never called them:

“My world, my soul, my life.” Because they are simply none of those,

and they know this. Their soul and life belongs to them

and my soul and life belong to me. The Host: What do you call them? Dr Abdul Rahman: “My dear, the apple of my eyes, etc.” The Arabic language is filled with endearing terms

Why use “My life and soul”? This is unfortunately one of the traps

set by the music industry. Most song lyrics make the other-

-I don’t want to get into “Me and the others”- but glorifying others in our life:

“My soul, he took my soul and left, my life’s hope all my love, my life without you is torture,

I was lost before I saw you” All this nonsense created a generation of

weak individuals, overly-attached, enslaved to others and can’t live alone! The Host: This is one of the inputs that negatively impacted us! Dr Abdul Rahman: Definitely, 100%.

On top of that, what is it called? Promiscuous art- I mean traditional art,

we can’t criticise that! "This revered artist and that”

No dear, so what if it’s traditional art? We need to repent from that. When you reach a point where you

can’t live without it- We will continue talking about this

in “Me & others” The Host: Doctor, is there a relation between- Dr Abdul Rahman: Excuse me, we said creationism is connected to needs,

needs are connected to pain, and pain will help us understand several matters

including the problem of evil, how to be happy, etc. The Host: Alright, Is pain & pleasure related to

expectations and possibilities? Dr Abdul Rahman: Expectations, nice. Based on what we said,

If we understand this aspect well, we will be at peace. If we raise the bar of possibilities

and lower our expectations,how? I present a slide during workshops that states:

“Is it possible for my friend to betray me?” "Is it possible for my friend to stab me in the back?”

“Is it possible that my sheikh becomes an atheist?” "Is it possible that a sheikha takes off her hijab?”

What is the answer to all these possibilities? “Yes!” The problem is that we can’t imagine these possibilities.Is it clear? The Host: Clear. Dr Abdul Rahman: The problem is we say:

“That is impossible!” “Can my son possibly become an atheist?”

Yes, it’s possible. During a workshop about atheism,

I tell the attendees on the first day: Is it possible that you read on the news

tomorrow morning that "Dr. Abdul Rahman Thakir Al-Hashemi

Psychological Counsellor, Islamic Preacher became an atheist” The attendees were shocked, saying

“No way! Authubillah” I tell them: “Your reaction is what scares me!

You think I won’t ever fall into the traps of Shaytan. Anyone can fall in the traps of shaytan,

we are all secured with Allah’s rope. Other than that, we could be taken away any day. That is why a lot of youth went astray when

a preacher, shiekh or Quran reciter went astray. This is wrong, you misunderstood this world!

Therefore you need to raise the bar of possibilities, to be psychologically immune.

What about lowering your expectations? Don’t expect much. Some may say:

“Dr., isn't this pessimism?” Advocates of “The Law of Attraction” say:

"Always expect the best, the road will definitely be empty,

rain will definitely pour today” No! The studies -I can provide you the references-

say that people who always think like this and deceive themselves that what’s coming will always be better are more likely to suffer from disappointment, depression, anxiety, and low psychological immunity compared to others. Alternatively the more you raise the bar of possibilities

and lower your expectations the better your life becomes. For instance, let's say I went out to meet you,

I go out raising the bar of possibilities. What does that mean?: “Is it possible there will be

a traffic jam which will delay me?” Yes. I lower my expectations. What does this require me to do?

Leave early and expect the worst, therefore my psychological immunity

will be ready if something unexpected happens. However thinking that: “No, everything will be perfect

the roads will be empty” Once I see a gridlock, I get angry and start

using vulgar and hurtful language. Why all this? If I expected that,

I would have dealt with it! The hadith: “Love whomever you wish -” The Host: - For you will surely be separated” Dr Abdul Rahman: - For you will surely be separated”

Why would you say that oh Prophet of Allah? Why this pessimism?

No, this will actually increase your psychological immunity You come to the best status after the prophets,

Whose status? The man who kissed the prophet (P.B.U.H.) on his forehead,

cried and said:“You are good in life and in death oh messenger of Allah” Then he went up the podium to address the people saying:

“Whoever worshipped Muhammad, then Muhammad is dead” May Allah be pleased with Abu Bakr, this status! Then he reminded them of the verse:

{Muḥammad is no more than a messenger;

other messengers have gone before him. If he were to die or to be killed,

would you regress into disbelief?} (3:144) It’s mentioned in the Qur’an,

but other companions forgot it, they don’t want to be reminded of it,

because it’s against their desires, the one who remembered it is Abu Bakr,

and he deserved his status to come first right after the prophets. The Host: May Allah be pleased with them. Dr Abdul Rahman: Therefore, being ready with low expectations and

more possibilities. Anything in between is possible. This is what we say:

“Hoping for the best and fearing the worst” This combination is balance and psychological well-being. However, only hoping for the best makes me naive,

and only fearing the worst makes me pessimistic. Between “fear & hope” lies our psychological well-being. The Host: As for pleasure and pain, are they connected to

happiness and tranquillity as you mentioned? -It’s clear from what you say- Dr Abdul Rahman: It is connected, but unfortunately we have

to postpone this discussion to the next session. The Host: Let’s get a glimpse. Dr Abdul Rahman: Alright, pain and pleasure will lead us

to misery and sorrow, and the question of: are human beings innately miserable?

The Quran says: {Indeed, We have created humankind in ˹constant˺ struggle} (90:4) What does that mean? Were we created filled with misery? The problem is, unfortunately, the media marketed

this idea that a religious person is always miserable always stooping and talking in a certain manner,

while the disbelievers are happy and boastful. Next session we might talk about how pain & pleasure

are connected to happiness, tranquillity, satisfaction, misery and sorrow etc. The Host: Beautiful, in sha Allah. Dr Abdul Rahman: See you tomorrow in sha Allah. The Host: In sha Allah, thank you. Dr Abdul Rahman: May the peace & blessings of Allah be upon you